16. Rhodes
16
Rhodes
Paige
Do you like to cuddle?
I ’ve been reading and rereading her text since dinosaurs roamed the earth. In reality, it’s only been fifteen seconds.
Do I like to cuddle ?
I toss a blueberry up and catch it in my mouth. I know I’d like to cuddle with Paige. But that wasn’t the question.
Me
I like to cuddle, but I also like my space. I wouldn’t want to spoon all night, but I enjoy curling up next to someone.
Her response is immediate.
Paige
You sound like Cleo.
I lean a shoulder against the fridge and smile.
Me
I take that as the highest compliment.
Paige
You should. She’s very good at fitting around all of the spaces around my body.
Paige
Right now, she’s stretched out along my side and anytime I move my arm, she bites it.
Cleo is most comfortable with Paige, naturally, but there have been times she lays across my legs and refuses to let me stand up when I have to use the bathroom. I think this is as good as liking someone for a cat.
Me
I promise I won’t bite your arm, but does that mean you also like to cuddle?
Paige
Yes. I love cuddling. Top five favorite things of all time.
Paige
I guess I’m just a big fan of touching in general.
There are times I forget we’re best friends and talking about intimate details like this is totally normal for two people to discuss. And then there are times I’m acutely aware of the fire I’m trying to keep under control, but it only seems to burn hotter and eat up more square feet along the way.
This is one of those times.
Me
Noted.
I stalk to the bathroom and peer in the mirror. Yup . I’m beet red.
Paige
My parents have always been incredibly affectionate. I started and ended my day sitting on their lap or lying beside them in my bed as they read The Hobbit to Constance and me until I fell asleep.
This doesn’t surprise me.
The first time I met Paige’s mom, I came over to their house to work on a science fair project in eighth grade with Paige and Amber. We’d been paired up to present on the solar system and needed to use Paige’s kitchen to mix plaster and create the planets. My parents said we could make a mess outside, and Amber’s folks went into a long spiel about Pluto not being a real planet.
So, we ended up at Paige’s house.
Her mom welcomed us each with a hug—the shoulder pads in her thick knitted sweater feeling as if they were made of Tempurpedic material—and a giant plate of pizza rolls and carrot sticks. Every time she’d check on us, her hand found Paige’s back or shoulder, rubbing lightly but assuring her of her presence and care.
It’s not that my parents weren’t affectionate, but compared to Paige’s mom, it seemed far less.
Me
I think that’s really special you grew up with parents like that.
Me
So it sounds like physical touch is your love language?
My couch welcomes me with open arms when I flop back on it.
Paige
Absolutely. Holding hands, hugs, kisses—I love it all.
In other relationships, I wasn’t a touchy person, but it’s hard to know what I’m actually like when I haven’t been with someone who makes me feel the way Paige does.
Me
I’m here for all of it, too.
Paige
Good.
Paige
And when you meet my parents, they’re going to want to hug you. FYI.
I laugh out loud to myself, positive my neighbors can hear me, but I don’t care. She’s talking about introducing me to her family, which is huge, but also unnecessary since we’ve met. I’ve hugged them more than my own parents.
Me
Thanks for the warning.
Me
I’m sure my dad will give you a handshake. He’s a stoic guy. Went through a lot in the last few years that makes him appear closed off.
I send the message before thinking. This is exactly who my dad is. Maybe I should have said something else so she wouldn’t catch on. But then again, I’m tired of all of the covering up I’ve had to do. I just want to be honest for once, tell her about my family without worrying if she’ll figure out who I am too soon. It wouldn’t be the worst thing. We’ve come a long way in the few days we’ve been texting.
Paige
I have a firm grip so nothing to worry about there. And your mom?
Me
She’d probably be too busy making something in the kitchen to do anything other than yell hello. She’s been really into baking lately. Like really .
Paige
Lucky. I’m sure you love that.
Me
It’s likely one of the reasons I can’t look at cake without wanting to hurl.
Paige
Haha. I love her already. And I’ll eat the cake for you, no question.
Me
My mom will likely give you a tour of her cookbook collection. She has two bookshelves full of them now.
I’m hoping this detail doesn’t ring any alarm bells for Paige. She hasn’t been to my parent’s house in the last year, which is when mom’s cookbook obsession really started. But I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it.
Panic shows up in the sweat on my brow.
Paige
I hate to break it to you, but I’m not much of a baker. Or cook.
Paige
I wish I were more of a foodie, but I mostly just eat to stay alive.
I don’t think she’s caught on.
Don’t be suspicious.
Me
I’ll cook for you.
Paige
I’d like that ;)
Paige
I’m excited to meet your parents. And you.
Reading her message, it doesn’t feel like I’m another person—a fake one. I’m absorbing these words as Rhodes and letting them sink through the layers until they’re a part of me. I want this with Paige. Family barbecues, weeknight spaghetti for two, and falling asleep next to her as Cleo sleeps on our heads.
For as long as I can, I’m keeping these words.
Me
Do you ever feel like there’s one person in the world just for you?
Paige
I don’t know.
Paige
I used to think that. But now, I’m not sure. Maybe there are more.
I twist my lips and hover my thumbs over my keypad.
Me
I’m not sure either, but I think I’m pretty damn close to believing there is.
Paige
I know what you mean.
Paige
It would take some pressure off if there were more than one, but then again, it would be harder to find them.
I scrub a hand down my face and reply.
Me
You’re right. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if there wasn’t just one person.
Paige
The romantic in me wants it to be true. But life isn’t always like this.
Paige
I won’t lie. I’ve dated a lot of guys. But none of them have felt like this.
Me
Why do you think that is?
Paige
Because we have a screen in front of us.
Paige
Kidding.
Paige
I think it’s because we have nothing to lose and everything to gain. We’re building an emotional connection, and I think there’s something to be said about that.
I grimace and rub at the tightness in my chest, trying to clear myself of the guilt clawing at me. This isn’t how I envisioned these conversations happening, but I don’t know, this is Paige . My heart just doesn’t care, even if warning lights are going off in my head.
I shove them all aside and focus on the here and now. It’s the only thing I can do.
Me
I think you’re right.
Paige
I’m done kissing frogs.
Me
What if he turns into a prince?
Paige
What if he doesn’t?
I spend the next few seconds overthinking her response. There’s an underlayer of pain she’s allowing me to see. The men she’s dated haven’t been it. But I’m seeing the toll it’s taken. The hurt it’s caused her to want something so badly only to come up short over and over. Someone else might have missed it. But I didn’t. There’s no way I could.
I want to tell her not to lose hope just yet.
To look around her and notice all of the good in her life she’s found without a man. She doesn’t need anyone to tell her how amazing she is. But I’m not sure saying that will convince her to trust me.
To her, I’m a potential frog, a man who has yet to hurt her.
And damn it if I don’t want to show her I wouldn’t do this to her. I’d give her the castle, chisel it out of granite for the next four million years just to show her how worth it she is to me.
My body reacts to the thought, using my spine as a stick of dynamite just ignited by the need to change her mind.
Me
What if this frog wants to prove you wrong?