Bear
My nails are dug so deep into my palms, I’m about to draw blood.
These balled-up fists are all that’s saving me from trashing Erin’s room and this whole damn condo as she calmly, casually packs her bag for her girls’ trip.
I’m not mad about the girls’ trip. No, I’m happy for her. I’m happy she’s getting away. I’m happy she can take a break from the trial and school and therapy. I’m happy for Ashlei, too — for her and Brandon and the whole celebration.
What I’m not happy about is the text that came through Erin’s phone on our way home from her parents this morning, having had a very pleasant Thanksgiving dinner last night.
Hey, any word from lawyer?
From Gavin.
My jaw clenches so tight it gives me a headache as I remember those words flittering on her phone screen in the console between us as she drove, his name in bold letters above it.
It’d been all I could do to wait until we got home to discuss it.
“I’m not hanging out with him outside of therapy,” Erin repeats as she folds another swimsuit and tucks it into her bag. “He’s asked, but I’ve said no every time.”
“But he’s back,” I say as calmly as I can. “He’s back and you didn’t tell me. He’s back and you’re friendly with each other. He’s back and he’s texting you.”
Erin sighs, pausing with her hands in her bag as her eyes meet mine. “Are we really doing this?”
“Hell fucking yes, we’re doing this. Why did you keep it from me?”
“I didn’t keep it from you. I planned on telling you by inviting Gavin over for dinner. With both of us. So you could see that while he’s back, he’s nothing to me.”
“If he’s nothing to you, then why are you talking to him at all?”
She frowns. “Okay, maybe not nothing.”
My blood boils, but before I can scream, Erin holds up her hands.
“He’s nothing like that — romantic or anything past a friend.
Okay? I just…” She bites her lip, eyes focusing on something across the room.
“I don’t expect you to understand this, but Gavin is important to me.
He’s important to my recovery.” Her eyes meet mine then.
“He’s part of the closure I’m seeking, as well as a very important part of my entire healing process.
He was there for me, Bear. He was there when no one else was. ”
That makes me growl, and Erin shakes her head.
“You can be upset if you want to, but you weren’t talking to me.
You were pissed off and dating someone else and,” she adds, pointing at me.
“I’m not mad at you for that. I don’t blame you.
You had every right to be upset with me, and to be in love with another woman.
But similarly, I had the right to be with another man, and to lean on him when I had no one else. ”
I’m breathing like a bull now, nostrils flaring as I try to see her side, try to calm myself.
But I simply can’t.
“This is all bullshit,” I spit. “Gavin, therapy, all of it. He wasn’t part of your healing, Erin. He was part of the problem.”
I expect those words to hit her hard, but instead, her shoulders slump, brows folding together. “Therapy is bullshit?” she repeats, shaking her head. “We’re back to this?”
“You know what I mean,” I say flippantly.
“No, I don’t think I do. And I don’t think you understand how therapy didn’t just help me — it saved me. And in a lot of ways, so did Gavin. I’m sorry you hate to hear that, but it’s true.”
I force a long inhale, folding my arms over my chest and shaking my head over and over as I stare out her floor-to-ceiling window at the Miami skyline.
“Look, I’m glad you’re perfect and you’ve got everything figured out in your life,” she says, tossing a pair of sandals into her bag with more force than necessary. “No trauma in your life. No feelings to sort through. Absolutely no family drama at all for you, right?”
I grit my teeth. “Don’t bring my family into this.”
“Oh, of course not. Why would I? We never talk about them, do we?”
Her words slam into me.
“That’s how it always goes,” she continues.
“I’m the crazy one for going to therapy, but you’re completely sane not talking about your mother’s abandonment, her addiction, the way that addiction spread to your older brother, how she’s back now, how Clayton’s relationship with her is different – will forever be different from yours. ”
I swallow the knot in my throat, still too angry to admit she might be right.
“I have to get to the airport,” she says, forcefully zipping up her bag.
Her declaration snaps me back to the present moment, to the whole reason I was angry in the first place.
“I don’t want you seeing him.”
“Well, that’s just too damn bad.”
I hook her elbow when she tries to swing past me. “What would you do if this were me? What if Shawna showed up and wanted to be my friend?”
Erin’s brows pinch together, and she shakes her head.
“Are you kidding?” She rests her hand on my forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“I would be happy for you. After what happened between you two, the way things went down? I would be ecstatic for that closure for you, for that opportunity to mend a relationship that meant so much to you — even if was just platonic now.”
“I don’t need a relationship with her. I don’t ever want to talk to her again.”
“And that’s your choice. I respect it.” She shakes her head, her doe eyes searching mine. “Why can’t you do the same for me?”
My jaw muscles pop, and I look away from her, trying again to see through my fury and understand what she’s saying.
But I just fucking can’t.
Erin sighs, dropping her hold on me and moving for her door again. “You can let yourself out. Just lock up before you go.”
“Erin,” I say, catching her elbow again.
She pauses at the door, turning to look at me with eyes that tell me more than her words that she’s not just sad we’re fighting.
She’s disappointed.
In me.
And I wish I could be level-headed, that I could see it from her point of view, but regardless of how pissed off I am, I don’t want her to leave like this.
I gently tug until she lets me pull her into my arms, and I wrap her in a fierce hug, letting out a slow breath at the way she feels in my arms, her head against my chest, the scent of her hair in my nose.
“I love you,” I remind her.
“I love you, too.”
I swallow as she pulls away, waiting for me to say something else. But I don’t have anything to say that wouldn’t upset her more — or me.
So I say nothing at all.
She leaves.
And I punch a hole through her wall.