Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
ADDIE
Somehow I hold it together through the plane ride to Chicago, through the bus ride to the hotel, and through practice.
Only when we’re finally released for the night, do I sneak away while JJ is talking to Brayden and Bobby and rush to my hotel room. The moment I shut the door, I collapse against it and slide to the floor.
It’s been four years since it happened and I still feel dirty when I think of Dirk.
Dirty because somehow he ended up in my room.
Dirty because I wasn’t dressed when I woke up and found him sitting in a chair, staring at me, like he’d been waiting for that moment.
Waiting to humiliate me just a bit more.
I’d barely opened my eyes when JJ had knocked on the door. I saw Dirk. Told him to leave. He went pretty quickly, but when the door swung open, there was JJ, looking like I had betrayed him in the worst way.
I close my eyes and will my breathing to steady. It’s a routine I’ve fallen into far too many times since that morning after the Olympics. Everything was perfect and then it wasn’t.
I couldn’t face the team after Dirk plastered photos of me all over the locker room.
Pictures that came from my phone.
Stills from the video JJ and I had taken together.
Dirk took my most intimate moment, with a man I thought I could trust, and plastered images of it all over the locker room.
A friend on the team alerted me to it while I was getting dressed in the bathroom. Yeah, the bathroom. Not a locker room. The Vices only had one. He took a picture and sent it to me.
I couldn’t face it.
I’d put up with a lot through the years playing with men, but if that kind of harassment was what it took to stand in an NHL locker room, if that’s what it took to set foot on that ice, they could keep it.
At the time, that felt like my only option. I’m older and wiser and I have thicker skin now. And I’m angry. I should have faced it. I didn’t do anything wrong.
But between JJ’s betrayal and the way he lashed out, I’d been drained of all my drive. I was still reeling, shocked by how easily he walked away when I was so fragile. Time and again, I’d stood by his side when he needed me, and yet he didn’t even give me the opportunity to explain.
I didn’t know why Dirk was there. And I absolutely didn’t want him in that room.
The time between when I sat down in the bar the night before and when I woke up was missing from my mind. Nine hours completely unaccounted for.
I never have more than two drinks now.
I never allow a man to buy one for me.
He did that to me.
Shaking, teeth chattering, I stare at the hotel bed.
I can’t coach him. I can’t travel to countless hotels wondering if I’ll wake up not knowing again.
I was tested. Pregnancy tests. STD tests. A rape kit.
We found nothing.
It was bullying. I’m almost positive. Mind games. He wanted the position and he couldn’t stand on his own damn skates and prove himself. I would have had that position. It was mine.
But I didn’t report it. Not to the NHL, not to the cops, and definitely not to my family.
I don’t even know what JJ knows and what he assumes.
Maybe he thinks Dirk took advantage of a sad girl.
He doesn’t know the whole truth. That, I’m sure of.
If he did, he’d have killed him on day one of practice.
He wouldn’t have waited until Dirk pulled that stupid stunt with the puck to go after him.
But JJ isn’t who I’m worried about right now. No, today I’m choosing me. I deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to have to coach Dirk. To face him every day for an entire season.
I can’t. I won’t.
Before I can chicken out, I pull out my phone and text my uncles.
Me: Can we talk?
Gavin, Brooks and Aiden are seated at a round table in the back when I walk into the restaurant. I made a reservation at a place a few blocks from our hotel and asked them to meet me here.
Not one of them questioned it.
And here they are. God, I should have gone to them years ago. I should have spoken up.
Seeing them here now, I can’t believe I ever thought I couldn’t.
But my best friend, the person I trusted most in the world, didn’t believe me when I tried to tell him back then, so why would they?
Brooks is sitting against the wall, so he spots me first. Eyes lighting up, he waves me over.
Both Aiden and Gavin smile when they see me as well.
And there goes the fluttering of nerves again. Because now I have to talk. I have to do what I should have done before.
“Thank you for meeting me here,” I say past the lump in my throat.
Aiden gives me a funny look. “Why are you being so formal? It’s just dinner.” He stands and pulls me in for a hug. Wrapping my arms around him, I close my eyes and settle my head against his chest. And for a moment, I just breathe.
He shifts, looking down at me. “You okay?”
His voice is soft. Too soft. If things continue like this, I might cry.
Pulling back, I nod. Then I slide into the empty seat, sitting before my other uncles can soften me with more hugs. “It’s actually not just dinner,” I say, placing my hands flat on top of each other on the table.
Gavin frowns. “What’s up?”
I take a deep breath and dig deep for the words. “I don’t want to call Dirk up.”
Brooks eyes Gavin, brow creased. “You think the rookie would be a better fit?”
Gavin shakes his head. “Nah, he’s too green. Dirk isn’t the best, but with Addie coaching—”
“That’s just it,” I say. “I don’t want to coach.”
All three sets of eyes snap to me.
“What?” Brooks asks.
“I want to play.”
The moment the words come out, a giggle breaks free. “I would make the better second goalie. I want to play.”
When they’re all silent, expressions stunned, I launch into my stats. I list off every record I broke in the PWHL. Every record I broke the second time I played for the Olympic team. A complete shutout. The entire series. Unheard of.
“Camden had been begging me to consider playing. Even if it wasn’t for the Bolts.”
Gavin’s smile is blinding. “You don’t have to convince us of your abilities. We’ve seen you play more than any of the guys on the team. It’s all we’ve wanted for a long time. You were meant to wear this uniform. But you didn’t want it.”
Head lowered, I swallow. Then I meet his eye and then tell the truth. “I was scared.” I shrug. “I didn’t think I would be accepted.”
Brooks frowns. “You might not be. But you can’t run from that.”
“Who gives a shit what other people think?” Aiden says. “Every single one of us dealt with shit talk. We were handed our positions because of the last name. Brought in to work for the team because of connections. We were losing our touch on the ice. Brooks was getting slow—”
“Fuck you very much,” Brooks says with a soft laugh.
Aiden grins. “My point is, that guy is the best damn goalie we ever had. Arguably the best to ever play.”
Brooks huffs, “Now you’re just sucking up.”
“He’s not wrong,” I tell my biggest, gentlest uncle.
“And this one,” Gavin says, squeezing Aiden’s shoulder, “is a hall-of-famer. But the pundits said I should have moved him down so Keegan could play more.”
I roll my eyes. The damn media put so much stress on my Uncle Aiden. It got so bad that one season he had a panic attack on the ice.
“And everyone said he was just a rich boy who took a job meant for a real coach,” Brooks says, thumbing toward Gavin.
Our head coach nods and leans forward. “Our point is, people are always going to talk shit. You just have to learn to tune them out.”
“And if you can’t, use it. Work harder, practice longer, prove them fucking wrong,” Aiden says, lighting up.
“So you want to be goalie?” Gavin leans back in his chair like he’s really considering it.
Could he be? Could this actually happen?
I dip my head once. “Yes.”
“We’d still need to call Dirk up until Sidney hits IR.”
I figured he’d say that. We’re at cap, so we can’t add another player to our roster until Sidney is out for seven days.
But after that, he’s considered injured reserve and that opens up a spot to either bring a player up on waiver or sign a free agent.
Me, hopefully. In the meantime, we’ll have to bring someone up from our AHL team, since they’re under our cap.
Could I handle coaching Dirk for a week? Yes. Obviously. I handled him during preseason just fine. Mostly.
But since JJ and I have grown closer over the last few weeks, memories from that time have resurfaced more and more, and now I can’t look at Dirk without thinking of that night. Of the way I felt when I woke up and couldn’t remember what had happened.
I felt helpless. Used.
I never want to feel that way again.
“About that,” I start.
All eyes turn to me again.
“What if we bring up the rookie? It’s only seven days. And I think it might be worth bringing him up and keeping him on the bench after the week is up. He should be practicing with us in case anything happens to JJ or me.”
“Why not Dirk?” Gavin asks, his tone one of genuine curiosity.
“Honestly,” I say, going with part of the truth, “because I don’t like him.”
Brooks nods. “Me neither. He’s an ass with a bone to pick when it comes to Addie.
And while I wouldn’t normally put too much stock in shit like that, it’s not good for the team.
And right now, at the beginning of the season, after losing our other goaltender, it’s best if we stick with team players. ”
I breathe a huge sigh of relief and meet my uncle’s eye. “Thank you.”
Gavin frowns thoughtfully. “We’d need you to take over for her.”
Brooks nods. “I’m aware.”
Tongue pressed to his cheek, Gavin sits back. “I actually have someone who might be able to help you,” he says to Brooks.
“And you’re sure about this?” Aiden asks.
“Are you guys sure?” I ask, my heart hammering.
It can’t be this easy. God, I asked them not to bring up Dirk, and they just…agreed. They just believed me. It’s…freeing.
“I know you tried to convince me to become a free agent last year, but—”
“Addie, you’re the best goalie I’ve seen in a long fucking time,” Brooks says. “It would be my honor to coach you. And the only reason I’m agreeing to step into that role is because I’d get to work with you. Understand?”
My eyes heat. Dammit. I sniff, holding myself together, and eye Gavin. “And you?”
“We’re going to have so much fun. And I gotta be honest, I’m hoping this is my last year, so I’d really like to enjoy it.”
Elated, I throw myself across the table and finally hug them both, knocking over the salt and pepper and maybe a glass of water or two. “Okay, let’s have some fun.”