Chapter 37 #2
“Finally,” she says, the word an echo of my own thoughts. The sheer relief in those three syllables sums up what I’ll never truly be able to voice.
With her legs wrapped around my waist, I settle on the bed and hug her to my chest.
“What are you doing?” she murmurs, amusement tinging her tone.
“Savoring every freaking second of this.”
Hands on my cheeks, she pulls back and holds my gaze. “I’m not going anywhere, JJ. Rush, go slow, do whatever feels right, because we aren’t running anymore.”
Eyes falling closed, I press my forehead to hers.
“I just—” I inhale, straightening and drinking her in.
“I’ve been so fucking scared that I’ll screw it all up again.
For years all we’ve had are moments. Snippets of time I clung to during the days I wasn’t near you.
First when we were teenagers. You saved me when my mom was going through chemo.
Do you know that? I lived for the few moments we had together before we’d fall asleep.
Your head on the pillow beside mine. Your eyes the last thing I’d see. ”
I blow out a shaky breath, brushing my thumb over her cheek.
“I’d wake up extra early to watch you sleep. To listen to you breathe. When I got into the NHL, I’d wait for your calls, Adeline. If I’d known—”
I shake my head still so goddamn angry at myself.
“If I’d had a fucking clue that you felt for me what I felt for you, there would never have been anyone else. I just—”
My body shudders as I inhale deeply.
This woman is perfect. Even now, she’s silent, listening, allowing me to find my words.
“I’m so glad I have Avery, but I hate that I lost you because of it. That we only had one moment in time. And I’m scared that I’ll screw this up again. That I’ll get tonight and that by the time dawn comes around, it’ll all be taken away again.”
She licks her lips, her eyes glassy. “I lived for the moment you’d look up from the net and catch me behind the glass. You’d light up. There could be hundreds of people watching, but it mattered to you that I was there.”
I huff out a laugh. “You were the person I wanted there most.” I shrug. “I missed you. I looked for you. Even after everything.”
“The thing about moments is, they’re what we remember,” she murmurs. “And in every moment that truly mattered, you were there. And I really tried to be there for your big ones too.”
“You were.”
We may not have been speaking, but she attended every birthday party we threw for Avery.
My little girl loves Adeline because even though she wasn’t with me, Adeline never disappeared completely.
She could be counted on. Our families spend holidays together, so I saw her plenty, even during the bad times.
It was torture. I don’t know whether I was the one not talking to her or she wasn’t talking to me.
Either way, we didn’t speak. But she was there.
And I was there the night she played her last game in the PWHL just like I’ll be there for her first game in the NHL.
But if we’re going to do this right, I need to tell her everything.
I don’t just want moments anymore. I want everything.
So I take a deep breath and garner the strength to open up.
“You were there for all the big ones, but if I hadn’t fucked up so badly, you would have been there for more.
I’m sorry. I’ll never stop regretting marrying Tabitha. ”
She winces.
“I don’t want to talk about her, truly.” I sigh. “But I’m not sure that we can move forward until I say this.”
She nods without argument.
“It was never a real marriage. Not like…” I consider moving on. She doesn’t need to know this, but I want to clean the slate. Fuck it, “Not like we would have.”
Her eyes flare, but before she can freak out about it, I go on.
“I never touched her. We were roommates, raising a child together. That was all.”
Adeline’s entire body goes still and she squeezes her lips tight.
“It’s only been you since that night after the Olympics, baby,” I whisper.
I made a promise to her then, and I want her to know I kept it.
Even if I broke so many others. “Still,” I continue, knowing that my celibacy doesn’t atone for everything else I did wrong, “even a piece of paper connecting me to her is too much. I’m doing my best to make it right.
I’ve been trying to serve her with divorce papers for weeks.
So not only are you not my coach anymore, but soon I won’t be married anymore either.
We can be together, Adeline. As soon as the divorce is final. We don’t have to be a secret anymore.”
Ducking, she shakes her head. “We can’t tell anyone about us.”
My stomach somersaults. “What? Why?”
“I just signed my first NHL contract. I’m the league’s first female goalie.
Ever.” She stares at me, emphasizing the point.
“I don’t want the world focusing on my personal life.
I want my career to stand on its own, and if I’m just another female hockey player who’s fucking one of her teammates, that will be the story. ”
Pain radiates through me. Fuck.
She splays a hand over my cheek. “We know that’s not our story,” she says softly. “We know who we are to one another. That’s all that matters. Right?”
“And what am I to you?”
“You’re my best friend.”
I try not to let those words hit me like they do, but they’re like a knife to the heart. Yes, she’s my best friend too, but I want so much more.
“Adeline, I don’t want to just be your best friend.”
Her smile lights up her face. “I never said just.”
“Then what else am I to you?” I’m begging, but I’m not the least bit ashamed. I’m bursting at the seams with anticipation. Desperate to know whether this is as real for her as it is for me.
Her eyes glitter as her smile grows. “Our relationship can’t be defined by any one thing, because you are everything to me.
You’re the person I want to spend my time with.
Compete with. You make me better. You make me laugh.
You make me happier than anything else ever has. You also annoy the hell out of me.”
A surprised bark of laughter bursts out of me.
“And you’re the man I love. The one I always have and always will love.”
My heart thuds against my sternum. “What?”
“I love you. You have to know that.” She says it so simply, like it’s always been obvious. And maybe if I’d been paying better attention, I would have known. I wish I had.
“You already know I love you,” I tell her. “That I’ll always love you.”
“As much as I’m loving all this communication,” she says with a pretty smile, “I’d really like to do something else for a little while.”
I chuckle, the sound dark, as desire courses through me. “You feeling needy?”
She tips up her chin for a kiss. “So needy.”
I press my mouth to hers. Where words might fail us, this doesn’t. I tell her with each kiss that she’s it for me. That things will be different this time. And she responds, telling me she knows. There’s a newfound trust, a choice in every brush of our lips.
Splaying her hands on my chest, she pushes me back against the bed. Long chestnut waves create a curtain as she leans against me, her jersey bunching at her waist. “Fuck, Adeline.” I run my hands up and down her warm thighs, reveling in the sight of her bare cunt.
“You’ve got quite a few tattoos,” she whispers, perusing the expanse of my chest.
A few are obvious. Standard, I guess. The symbol for the Boston Bolts.
All the guys have that one. It’s a Bray special.
Five yellow stars, just like my dad has inked on his skin.
He started with three: one for him, one for my mom, and one for Chloe.
Later he added one for each of us boys. There’s a shooting star among them, a symbol that represents Avery, because she’s my magic.
Adeline traces each one, and I relish every touch, my heart beating for her, need and comfort mingling in my chest.
“What’s this one?” she whispers, moving closer to the small triangle on my ribs. “JJ.” She lurches back, her focus darting to my face.
Silently, I smile. She’s smart enough to figure it out.
“Say something,” she begs, her voice strained.
“Kiss me anyway.” The words are in script and form a triangle.
For Addie Angles.
“Why?” she whispers.
I blink up at the ceiling, swallowing back emotion. “It’s a reminder that no matter what, it was worth it. That trying is always worth it.” Tilting my head, I study her, wiping at the tear that rolls down her cheek. “You will always be worth it, Angles.”
She rolls her lips together. “What if I want it to work out? What if I don’t want to just try? What if I want it all? What if I know it’ll be hard and that we’re going to be put through it, but I can’t fight it anymore?”
A smile creeps across my face. “Kiss me anyway.”
She angles in, and with her lips against mine, she murmurs, “I was hoping you’d say that.”
The skin beneath her jersey is warm and so damn inviting. I smooth my palms over her hips and abdomen, and when I brush the underside of her breasts, she sucks in a breath.
“God, I want to fuck you in this jersey, but I’m so damn desperate to see all of you.”
She makes up my mind for me, grasping the hem and pulling it over her head.
Fuck.
She’s more beautiful than I remember. Her breasts are heavy, nipples pebbled in anticipation.
Arching up, I suck one into my mouth, eliciting a moan from deep within her.
When she grinds against me, I flip her onto her back, needing to be as naked as she is.
She watches me with hungry eyes as I slide down my joggers and boxers in one go, then kick them across the room. I press one knee into the mattress, then the other, but before I get too far, she reaches out and strums her fingers across the barbells lining my dick.
“I could feel them the last time we were together, but I didn’t get to look.” She shifts, popping up on her knees too. “Lay down for me.”
Fuck, this woman. She’ll be the death of me.
I obey quickly. I’d do just about anything she asked except walk away from her.