Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
FERN
T his is going to be hard.
Too hard.
I’m in a better place, I can do it, I coach myself.
But am I really in a better place?
It doesn’t matter. I have to try to fix things with Mom because, knowing her, she’s never going to take the first step. This is the last time I do, though. I think my brothers have enabled her so much because they’re afraid to lose her and she’s taking advantage of us.
We’re her children, not her parents or some relative that should be bowing to her.
When I enter the house, she’s in the foyer fixing her shoes.
“Hey, Mom.”
She glances at me, startled. “Oh, it’s you. I thought you weren’t talking to me until the end of time.”
“I never said that.”
“But Cory did. She always does what you tell her to do.”
I chuckle. “As if. She’s her own person, Mom. No one tells her what to do or how to behave. I’m here because if I don’t reach out, you’ll just let this relationship go. Do you think that’s healthy?”
She waves at me. “Life is too short. I can’t be chasing people around.”
I gawk at her. “I’m not people. I’m your daughter.”
“Then you should respect me.”
“I do but then you behave like the child in this relationship. Have you gone back to your therapist?”
“I tried, but she thinks I’m unreasonable. I expect too much from you and give too little. She’s wrong.”
I shake my head. “If everyone is telling you that something is broken, maybe you should be listening to them. I’m glad you’re living your life, but sometimes I miss my mother. The one I lost fifteen years ago.”
“A lot of things happened fifteen years ago. I can’t be the same person.”
“That’s valid, but I can’t be your mother either. We can’t keep walking around your feelings while you hurt ours. You forced Aslan to lie to you. The rest adore you, but when you’re on their case because you want them to be perfect, they avoid you—and the rest of us. It’s exhausting.”
She fidgets with her ring. I can’t believe she still wears her wedding ring. If we hadn’t cleaned Dad’s closet and put his things away, I bet they’d be here, haunting us.
“Mom, I want us to fix what’s broken. I can’t bring my kids to a toxic home. I need you to be healthy and stop pushing everyone’s buttons because you think we owe you something.”
“Kids?” she mumbles.
“Yeah. They’re twins.”
She smiles. “You look good.”
I set my hands on my belly. “Seventeen weeks.”
“I’m sorry for what happened when you told me.”
Is she? I want to believe her but… “Why did you do it?”
She blinks. Of course, she was expecting me to say it was fine. We’ll hug it out, let things go, and then she’ll repeat this behavior. It’s time to stop this vicious cycle.
“Mom, I need you to answer. You blame me for everything my brothers do or don’t do. I have to justify their absences, and then when it’s something related to me, you’re mean. Why?”
She stares at her shoes and dusts her pants. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Mom, I love you, and I want to fix our relationship, but that won’t happen until you’re willing to work with me. I want my children to meet you and love you as much as I do. However, I refuse to bring them around if you’re going to continue being that way.”
“You’re too cruel, Fern. You don’t know what it is to lose the love of your life.”
I laugh at her audacity. “No, Mom, I don’t. I know what it is to lose your father and watch your mother want to die. We weren’t enough to keep you alive, and yet, we fought because none of us wanted to lose you. Maybe we should’ve let you go.”
I leave the house, but instead of getting into my car, I head toward the vineyard, searching for Lysander. He’s in the tasting room, moving some barrels.
“You okay, or do you want me to call Elliot?”
“How do you know it’s me?”
Finally, he turns around, cleaning his sweaty forehead with his arm. “I saw your car, and Elliot texted me that you were coming.”
“He shouldn’t have.”
“He’s worried about you and afraid that Mom’s not going to be very receptive.” He tilts his head. “What happened in there?”
“Sometimes, I think she wishes she had died with Dad.” I’m almost ashamed of my confession but I feel better once the words come out.
“Those were difficult times,” he mumbles. “I think it’s best that she survived.”
It sounds like he’s satisfied with the result and not because he wants her alive but because… why does he sound that way? As if he’s happy Mom’s paying for some penance.
“Isn’t she on top of you all the time while you work here? How can you live with that?”
He looks at me. “Can you keep a secret?”
I nod.
“Mom and I don’t speak. We had a fight before Dad died?—”
“Was it?—”
“Stop,” he interrupts me. “Some things are not worth bringing back. My point is that I try my best to be a good son without having to interact. The act is for you guys, not her. She’s harsh, and while I pretend that we have a relationship, no one, not even Gatz and Aslan, knows what really happened between us.
If you choose to stay away, I don’t blame you. ”
“It feels like she gave up on us after Dad died. She just told me that she lost the love of her life.”
He scoffs.
“What are you not telling me, Lysander?”
“Let the past rest, okay. Why don’t you get in my truck? I’ll drive you to your man.”
“No, I can?—”
“It’s just next door.”
“Elliot is here?”
He nods. “I like him. He’s good for you.”
“I—”
“Stop before you say something you’ll regret in a few months. I like that he makes you happy. You know when the last time I saw you relax was?”
I shake my head.
“Me neither, but I’m glad you’re finally doing it.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
He nods. “Always. And what I said earlier… it stays between us. If not for me, do it for everyone, okay.”
“I don’t like it, but I can do it.”