33. CHAPTER 33
I miss him.
It’s only been a few hours but it already feels like I’m missing a limb.
I've never really felt like this before. Not truly. Shawn and I moved in together almost immediately, drove to and from work together, and had the same group of friends. But, we also slept together within hours of meeting, so I’ll never know if love would have developed first without the sex.
And I did love her. We wouldn’t have lasted five years, otherwise.
And that’s why it hurt so much that she cheated on me.
Though without that pain, I wouldn't be here right now. And I’m thankful for that, because what I feel for Jin is insane.
It’s almost psychotic how deeply I’m in love with him.
It’s not a subtle obsession, it’s this is me for the rest of my life.
That’s why I can’t be with him right now, and I know that sounds stupid.
Goddamn it was hard to drag myself away from bed. With him lying there, pretty eyes begging me to stay after offering up his throat to me.
It's not even about the sex. I know he won't break.
I could see in his face how rejected he felt, but I need him to know I care about him beyond what our bodies do, and I already used up all the words I know yesterday explaining to him how much he means to me—and I’ve been putting those together for weeks.
So I’m showing him; because that’s what I know how to do.
He needs food, so I bring it home for him.
He likes his coffee sweet, so I drink mine straight so we don’t run out of sugar.
And I’ve reached the point where I’m willing to give up my best friend and business if it means I don’t lose him.
Resting back against the large tree trunk that Jin and I built a hunting blind around a few days ago, I stand my rifle beside me and take the flask from my rucksack.
I pour myself some black coffee, and just sit.
I forget about the grouse and pheasants, what noises to listen out for and changes in the wind, because even when I am concentrating on those things, he just comes in and pushes them all aside anyway.
As the coffee hits my empty stomach, it rumbles. My hand reflexively reaches for my rucksack again, but I withdraw it because I really can’t be bothered. Peanut butter on saltine crackers isn’t exactly a culinary delight.
I will eat them, though. Just not right now. Not while visions of Jin’s hand in mine as we walk through downtown Broadrock are flooding my head.
I could become a very poor man with him as a boyfriend. Not because he’ll expect things, but because I know I’ll buy him everything he ever looks at.
And I want him to keep studying. Not law, or medicine, or any of the other things on his parents demanding list, but what he wants.
Creative writing, culinary school, whatever.
And all without mounds of student debt he’ll have to spend the rest of his life paying off, because I’ll foot the bill.
I can earn thousands in a day, and if I have to sell my half of the shop to Wootek, then I’ll go into business on my own.
I will do anything for Jeon Jintae.
Except cook.
That’s his job.
I’ll bake us bread, and he can do everything else.
Laughing to myself about how I’d have something more palatable to eat if I’d just let Jin out of bed, I snatch up my rucksack.
Apparently ‘later’ is now.
I need to get these crackers down and shoot some birds.
Preferably less of the grouse, and more of the pheasant kind.
A turkey would be amazing.
Roasting vegetables inside for stuffing.
I’m sure Jin would be able to figure out how to make gravy.
There’d be enough meat leftover for sandwiches instead of sharing one bird between us.
If the snow is firm enough to drive on, then I could probably make a trip into the nearest town. But do I want to? It kinda feels like cheating.
I said I’d spend three months out here, and there’s still February to go.
Maybe if we get another few feet of snow we can tell Tek together.
That way he’d be forced to calm down before seeing us.
It could also make things worse, though.
People don’t tend to like having secrets as big as this kept from them.
But surely this is better than actually doing it behind his back, because I don’t know how much longer I’d have been able to let my infatuation fester before I exploded out in the real world.
Christmas would have been interesting.
I’ve spent every year with the Jeon’s since Mom and Brian left.
Tek and I move ourselves into the basement from Christmas Eve to New Years to drink and eat ourselves stupid.
Drunk me and Jintae under the same roof for a week; me still in bisexual denial yet tormented by an infatuation for the one person I’d convinced myself I hated. It would have been a shit show.
Still, the closer Christmas got, the more I thought about it.
Catching him after having a shower.
Finding him passed out from all the beers his brother gave him.
Pushing him into arguments just for the guaranteed intense interaction.
Fuck, I hated myself for that. For wanting a guy.
For making excuses as to why my girlfriend couldn’t come to visit this time.
And the more I pushed it down, the more I loathed him.
And the more I loathed him, the more I jerked off to thoughts of us hate fucking.
And the more often I came to the memory of how his pretty eyes stared at me with so much malice on his eighteenth birthday, the more I wanted to hurt him…
I brush the dry crumbs off the front of my jacket and let my head fall back against the tree.
There’s just enough sun shining through to warm my face.
It’s beautiful out here.
I love the wilderness. Give me mountains, and a big lake any day over the coast. That’s my brother's thing. He’s as SoCal as you can get. They never get a real winter there, so I’ve no idea why he wanted to spend it up here—
Fuck !
Carey.
I’ve not spoken to him since before Christmas, and Tek hasn’t mentioned him either.
I know he had him working at the shop a few days a week so…
I guess he’s still there? But he’s at my apartment, too.
What if he won’t leave? I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to go back and live with Mom and Brian, and it’s not like I can kick him out, either.
He’s my brother. But how will he feel about Jin?
I need to call him.
I need to tell him, and Tek.
Not about Jin, but that I’m not here alone.
That I’m with someone else.
That I’m in love and I’m not willing to let them go.
My phone vibrates, and I smile. I guess my little man misses me, too.
Unzipping the top of my jacket, I reach inside, and without looking, swipe to answer the call.
“You need me to carry you downstairs, Little One?”
“Excuse me?”
You fucking idiot!
“Eden? Are you there?”
It takes all of my strength not to throw my phone at the nearest tree. “What do you want, Shawn?”
“Oh. I, um… Sorry. I’m surprised you answered. But I guess you were expecting someone else?”
“Yeah, well. How long has it been now that I’ve been telling you to leave me alone?”
“I know.” She’s dejected, that much is clear by her tone. “It’s just… I miss you.”
“Didn’t take you long to move on from Reeze.”
“We were never seeing each other.”
“Oh, good. What a relief. You were just sucking his dick in our bed when you were meant to be sick, on a whim, then?”
“Eden, please. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?”
“As many times as you want cause it’s not gonna change the fact that I don’t miss you, Shawn. And I don’t miss our relationship.”
“How can you say that?”
“I’m honestly more hurt that Reeze betrayed me.”
“Fuck you.”
“You cheated on me.”
“You’d been pulling away for months.”
“But I didn’t cheat on you.”
“I don’t think I believe you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know you have someone there.”
I laugh into the phone. “What gave it away?”
“How can you expect me to believe you weren’t seeing someone else when you’ve been snowed in up there since the beginning of December?”
“Maybe I met someone on Tinder when I first arrived, and a random hookup turned into something more? It happened with us.”
“You sure it wasn’t Grindr?”
“If you’ve got something to say, then say it.”
“Are you fucking a guy?”
“Well,” I chuckle. “No beating around the bush.”
“Answer the question.”
“Why? Are you jealous?”
“I’m…”
“Don’t get all homophobic on me now.”
“I’m not homophobic!”
“So why ask the question?”
“I mean… We…”
“I can like pussy and dick.”
Her inflections turn snide. “I should have known.”
“Why? Cause I didn’t object when you asked if you could stick a vibrator in my ass?”
“Well, if it quacks like a duck.”
“Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?”
“You’re the one fucking a guy.”
“And what about it, Shawn? You were fucking one of my best friends.”
“I didn’t love him.”
“And I don’t love you!”
“If you were so happy to be rid of me, then why run away? Why not just stay there for a week to let me get my stuff out of the apartment?”
“Because I wasn’t running away from you!”
Fuck!
Escaping here never had anything to do with Shawn.
Jin was the one I was running away from: Christmas at his house without the barrier of my relationship.
Being forced to face my sexuality head on.
And, yes—fuck it—back then, I didn’t want to be called gay.
But now I don't give two shits. Let people call me what they want.
“Look, Shawn. I’m in love with someone else, and that someone else is a guy. I’m bisexual. I didn’t realize it before, but I am. Do with that information what you will—tell all of Broadrock for all I care.”
“How can you be in love with someone else so soon?” I almost feel bad for how much her voice is shaking.
“I guess, when it’s right, it’s right. When you find your person, you just know.”
“You were my person.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“And I thought I was yours.”
“I wouldn’t have been pulling away, and you wouldn’t have been getting dicked down by someone else if that were true.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying these things.”
“What are you not understanding? I’m in love with someone else, and I’m sorry if your ego can’t handle that—”
“But a guy?”
“Yes, a guy.”
“Who is he?”
“None of your damn business.”
“Is he from Broadrock?”
“I’m done talking.”
“I deserve to know!”
“You don’t deserve shit!”
“You’re the one who sent me a video of the pair of you—”
“Cause you wouldn’t take the hint. And you still can’t. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Period.”
“Tell me who he is!”
I hang up without another word. I’d indulged her for too long as it is.
I’ve never been one to call women crazy just because their emotions manifest differently to most mens, but enough is enough. This is bordering on psychotic ex-girlfriend.
The whole town will know by the end of the week. She’ll spin her own story about how I was the one cheating on her, and not the other way around. Because Shawn Knox can be a spiteful bitch when she wants to be. Too bad for her she’ll be doing me a favor.
Flicking through to my phone’s call log, I click on Jin’s number.
It only takes two rings before he picks up.
“Hey, Hyung,” he greets me, and I can hear the smile on his face. “Are you coming back already?”
“Unfortunately you’re gonna have to do without me for a little while longer.”
He makes the cutest little humph sound, and I know exactly what he looks like. “I’m sick of watching DVDs alone.”
“Read some more trashy romance then.”
“Can’t. I’d have to leave the loft.”
“You are allowed to leave it, Jin. I’m not a tyrant. I just want you to rest.”
“I know… Have you eaten?”
“Just finished. I, um. I need to tell you something?”
“Yeah?” His voice is hesitant. “A–are you hurt?”
“No. But you’ll probably be mad at me.”
I hear him shifting on the bed. “What did you do?”
“I accidentally answered someone's call thinking it was you.”
“Eden.” There it is, my name. No more hyung. “What the hell did you do? You better not have—”
“It was Shawn.”
“The fuck? I thought you said she’d stopped.”
“That’s because I knew it would make you feel better.”
“So now you’re lying to me?”
“No. I blocked her number but she’s obviously been using other peoples phones to leave voicemails. The only calls I answer are from you and Tek.”
“I’ve called you once.”
“So? I’m the one who always calls you cause I miss your smart ass when I’m out here providing for you.”
“Oh, shut up,” he giggles. “But seriously. Is answering her call what I’m meant to be mad about?”
“Well, ah…no.”
“You told her about me, didn’t you!?”
“Please don’t yell at me, Jin.”
“So you did?”
“No, I didn’t. But I told her I’m in a relationship. I’m bisexual. And I’m in love.”
“You idiot. You— shit . Goddamnit, how am I meant to be mad at you?”
“You don’t have to be.”
“Why couldn’t you have told me after you got back so I could give you a big kiss? You annoying asshole.”
“I love you, too.”
“Do you think she’ll tell Tek?”
“It’s been five minutes, so I’d say he already knows.”
“How long do you think we have?”