34. CHAPTER 34
I t feels weird to be walking so far from the cabin without snow shoes on, but the hard crunch of compacted snow instead of the unstable pillows—only made worse by those impossible snowshoes—feels like freedom.
About one hundred yards down the track towards the lake, Eden is waiting in the truck. He wanted to test it before putting the chains on the wheels, but he didn’t get far.
“Just give me a second, I wanna get something else,” I yell out to him and jog back inside the cabin. The bottom row of books on the bookshelf Eden made me is filled with the ones I haven’t read yet, and I grab one at random.
“I saw you almost fall flat on your face twice,” Eden says when I reach the truck. “That’s why I told you not to run.”
I roll my eyes at him and open the door.
After throwing my backpack on the floor of the cab, I put one foot on the step, then look at the worn brown leather of the bench seat and the distance between myself and Eden.
“Do you promise not to put my life in danger this time?” I ask, reaching into the glove compartment.
“What are you looking for?”
“Cigarettes.”
Eden grabs my wrist; “Shut the fuck up,” and pulls me towards him.
From where I land, I smile up at him. “A guy can never be too careful. The last time I was in here you almost killed me. Twice.”
“A cigarette burn has never been near fatal.”
“But hypothermia has.”
Eden wraps his hand into the front of my jacket and drags me towards him. “I thought I told you to shut up?”
I put my hand on his chest so he can't pull me any closer. "I bet you got hard while stripping me."
"I get hard all the time."
"I could feel you grinding on me."
"The hell?" Eden pulls his head back, and I climb properly onto the seat beside him.
"I wasn't faking it, I really was passed out. But I came back a few times, and… I knew I only had my underwear on, and I knew you were holding me, and… I could feel you."
"I…" Eden pauses. He looks at me, then across the back of the bench, to the air conditioning vent, and to where I know his leg was stretched out behind me on the seat. "I don't remember doing that."
"You had one arm wrapped around me so tight."
He grabs the top of the backrest behind me. "I was holding here the whole time."
I shake my head—it's only slight, but I know what I remember. "You had a hold of me right here," I tell him, and grip my left pec.
He looks at my hand, then lets his own slip down to rest against my lower back. "You probably just imagined it."
"That's what I thought, too. I convinced myself I'd dreamt it, but after the first time we hooked up, I knew it was real."
"Jin—"
"Seriously. See here." I put Eden's hand back up then crawl to my knees.
Tugging at his thigh, I pull his foot onto the bench and make him twist in his seat until his leg is stretched out behind me.
Finally, I sit myself between his legs and rest my head back on his shoulder. "So this is what you remember, right?"
"Sure."
"But this…" I unzip my brother's jacket and guide Eden's hand to my chest. "Is what I remember."
His fingers slowly tighten around my muscle, and I close my eyes. "Is this your way of asking me to drive to the lake like this?"
"No. But I wouldn't mind if you did."
"I'd rather you just sit right on my lap."
I turn my head towards him. "I don't think we're gonna get to the lake at this rate."
"Are you saying you don't want me to kiss you right now?"
"I don't want you to ever not kiss me."
Eden's hand leaves my chest to force my chin up further.
He makes a point of gently bumping my nose with his, then kisses me.
It's deep. All mouth and tongue. His fingers don't make their way around my throat, and he doesn't grind against me like I know he did all those weeks ago. "Fuck, you're such a distraction."
"Is that really such a bad thing?"
He grins, "Not all the time," and pulls back.
"Do you still want me on your lap?"
"No. You're right. We really do need to get going."
"My god." I slap him on the chest. "When did you become such a tease?"
"When you made me wait an extra three minutes because you forgot something."
"I didn't forget anything."
"Don't start with your judgy semantics again."
I snicker to myself and move Eden's leg so I can sit properly beside him. "Saying shit like that doesn't bother me anymore. So if you wanna get a rise out of me, then you'll have to try harder."
"Don't challenge me, Little Man… What did you have to get, anyway?"
"A book."
"A book!?" Eden pushes me so hard I fall over sideways on the bench. "What the fuck do you need a book for?"
"To read—to do—fishing is boring," I say, struggling to get my words in around my laughter.
Eden helps me sit back up again. "We're going there to spend time together. You should want to talk to me."
I kick off my shoes and turn ninety degrees so I can lean back against the door. With both legs out in front of me, I poke at Eden's leg and side with my toes while he starts the truck. "I do wanna talk to you. But sometimes silence is nice, too."
Taking each foot by the ankle, he brings them to rest on his lap then reaches over to move the gear stick out of park. "I'm sorry if I'm boring."
"Oh my god. Stop it."
With a tight lipped smile, he gives me the side eye. "Why?"
"Because I will talk to you. But I won't listen to you fake whine."
"I'll put Metallica on if you don't watch it."
"Ooo, such a threat."
Eden releases the clutch and the truck starts off down the track.
I look through the tray and out the dirty back window of the canopy until I can't see the opening of the little clearing where the cabin is.
In spite of the snow, I'm surprised by how bumpy the road is. I really don't remember it being this bad the last time we came out here, but when I really think about it, I don't recall much other than being terrified. Terrified, and numb.
"Why did you pack so much?" I ask, wiggling my toes.
"Didn't want to get caught out."
"But last time you carried everything and we were fine."
"Would you stop asking questions?"
"Never." I shake my head.
"Good," Eden mumbles, and pats his lap. "Get over here."
I take my feet off and spin around. He lifts his arm up and I lay on my back with my head on his thigh.
Looking up at him as his eyes remain focused on the track ahead, makes me feel so happy in the silliest of ways because I can see how much effort he's putting in to drive safely.
I should have a seatbelt on, and he should have roused on me for it, but I know he's going slower than he needs to.
And I know he'll never let anything hurt me. Not now. Not ever again.
"You're so handsome."
"I guess I've gotta have one thing going for me."
I reach up and slap his cheek, but only lightly. "You've got so many things going for you." I let my fingers slide down his face and over his stubble. "It should be illegal to have a jaw like this." I can feel him clench, but it's not on purpose.
"You scare me so much." My hand drops from his face, and his left hand leaves the wheel to stroke my hair. "I'd do anything for you if you asked me to."
"I don't need you to do anything. Nothing more than you already do."
"I wanna give you everything."
"I only want you… And for people to let us be happy."
"And that's why you scare me."
"You're being silly."
"I'm not, though. I know what you look like when you're happy, and when you're not. And if I ever see the happiness you have within you now, fade, then I'll never forgive myself."
"But what if it's got nothing to do with you?"
"Then I've still failed… It's my job to keep you safe and happy. And if I see you fading, then I'll know I let someone hurt you."
"You can't control everything."
"How else am I supposed to make it up to you?" Eden's hand in my hair grows firmer until he's massaging my scalp. "Do you know what you wanna do when we get back?"
"Move in with you."
"Well, yeah. But after that. You didn't want to be a lawyer, so do you know what you do want to be?"
"No. Not really."
Eden scoops under my head to dig his nails into the nape of my neck. "Quit playing games."
"I'm not," I giggle.
" No , and not really , are two very different things."
I grab his wrist, pull him away, and put his hand back on the wheel. "I don't know what I want to do. The rest of my life is a really long time, and what I think now will probably be different to what I'll think in ten years."
"Fuck ten years from now. That's a whole decade away. The entire world could have imploded by then. So if you only have to think about what you wanna do now, does your answer change?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
"Did you seriously never imagine what you would be if you weren't—"
"Why is it always what do I want to be? That was the problem. I don't wanna be anything. I just wanna be Jeon Jintae, and I'm sick of that not being enough."
"That's not what I meant."
"But you still asked it, and that's my answer. I might never know what I want to do. I might want to change careers, jobs, whatever, every twelve months, and I know that can't happen—"
"Why not?"
"Because that's not life. So I know I need to find something that interests me enough to keep showing up every day."
"Why can't that be your life?"
"Because that's selfish."
"But you're not selfish."
"I must be—"
"Shhh." Eden's hand drops from the wheel again, and his thumb traces over my lips. "I was lucky to fall into something I love. I love being a tattoo artist. I obsess over it. I need the outlet. That's why your bookshelf is covered with designs."
"You're so lucky."
"I know. And I'm good at it. And I make a lot of money. An insane amount for someone who barely scraped together enough credits to graduate high school."
"Brag much?" I feel my lips stretch against the pad of his thumb as I smile.
"Yes. You heard what I just said."
"So stupid."
Eden presses harder against my lips. "I know it's rare to be in my position, so let me give you everything I can."