40. CHAPTER 40 #2
Forcing my arms to unwrap from around me, I hold them straight by my sides, and turn my back to her. I don't move for several seconds, but when I do, I don't get a yard away before she's clinging to my shoulder.
I want to scream. I want the same courage I had all those times I yelled back at Eden. But instead, it's a mirror image of the other times when I couldn't look at him. When I was a shell; emotionless from the outside but frantic on the inside.
I want to tear her hand away from me.
I want to tell her that all the times she was kind and caring feel like they mean nothing when she gets like this.
I want to run.
"How could you?"
How could I?
How could you , Mom? You're the one who drove me to this.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but… "I'm sorry."
She tugs on my shoulder, and I turn back to her. "I'm sorry isn't going to cut it, Jintae."
My answer is an apathetic shrug. She hasn't surprised me so far.
"Your father and I have been worried sick."
"I'm sorry." Again I apologize, and this time it's the truth. I never wanted to hurt them. I never wanted them to worry.
"Is that all you have to say?"
I shrug again; thousands of words filing over in my brain. It's astounding how many different ways I can tell her how I feel, but I can't grasp any of them.
Her nails dig into my biceps as she shakes me.
"The police were at our house."
My head rocks back and forth.
"The neighbors saw. And their questions, Jintae.
They still ask about it. Every day I have to keep up the lie that you're still away at college…
Are you sorry about that?" She shakes me more violently when I don't answer.
"Are you sorry for the rumors? Are you sorry for the hours I spent negotiating with the dean to keep your place open? "
"I'm not going back." I'm certain I spoke, but with how worked up Mom is I really can't be sure.
"You're going to finish your degree, then you'll apply for law school."
"I won't." I know she heard me that time, but she doesn't stop shaking me.
"Don't do this to me, Jintae. Quit being selfish and get your ass back to school."
"I don't want to be a lawyer."
"Well you've got two options." She pulls me close, so close I can feel the anger radiating off her. "You're back there next week, or we're sending you to a boarding university in Seoul. Good luck finding time for any ridiculous frivolity over there."
My eyes are stinging and my nose is tingling with how hard I'm fighting to hold the tears back.
My mothers nails curl in, like she thinks the pain will have me telling her what she wants to hear.
"I…" I sniffle; my eyes unfocused because I still can't look at her face. "I'm not going back to college. I'm not going to Korea. And I'm not going anywhere with you."
"Who do you think you are?"
My mouth opens, but the tears start falling.
I want to pull away, but her grip is too tight.
Then, as I twitch on the spot, bigger, stronger hands envelope hers.
"He's your son. He's a man. And you need to start listening to him."
A different kind of tension takes over my mother's body and she pulls her hands back; wringing them together like something dirty just touched her.
I shuffle away from her until my back is against Eden's chest, and I can instantly feel all the love I'd lost touch of.
My eyes rise to my mother's face in time to see disgusted disappointment wash over her when she looks at Eden. "After everything we did for you."
"This isn't the place, Minjee."
"You don't get to call me that anymore."
"And you don't get to dictate Jintae's life anymore."
"And you think you do?"
"No, I don't. But I think you need to take a step back, calm down, and we'll see you at the cafe."
"You disgust me."
"Mom, please." In a flash her eyes meet mine, and it's like a knife stabbing me straight in the heart. "I…I…" Again, I have the words—all of them, but they're moving so fast I can't put them together. I want Eden. I want his touch. I want his arms around me.
"I—" I try again but I choke, like my body is trying to inhale and exhale at the same time with a tennis ball caught in my throat.
My heart beats out of control.
I claw at my chest but my hands are so shaky the fabric of my hoodie slips from between my fingers.
My stomach is churning and my muscles are tensing and I can hear everything,
The dogs, the baby, cars, birds, the wind, my mothers words; all growing louder with every new beat of my heart.
Heavy hands are on my shoulders.
They spin me, then they're on my cheeks.
They're warm. Big. Calloused.
There's pressure on my forehead, then heat against my lips when he speaks.
"It's okay, Jin. I'm here. Breathe for me."
I suck as much cold air into my lungs as I can.
"I've got you. You're safe. I won't let you go."
I exhale and open my eyes. I'm still crying. I'm still scared.
"You're the strongest person I know."
"I—I love you," I stutter out as I cry.
"I love you, too," Eden says, but instead of feeling his lips against mine like I expect, he straightens out and lets his hands leave my face.
The sense of rejection is instant, and it hits well before the realization that the reason he took his hands off me wasn't because he wanted to, but because my mother tore them away.
"You need to stay away from him," my mother spits at Eden as she tugs me across the sidewalk.
I plant my feet; sick and tired of my family treating me like a damn rag doll.
I roll my shoulder harshly until she lets go.
Standing in between my mom and Eden, I stare them each down in turn. The level of fury raging inside my mother matches the anxiety within me, but Eden looks so calm. His hands aren't even balled up like they were in the truck.
"How could you, after everything we did? We took you in and treated you like a son for the past seventeen years. He's like your damn brother."
"He's never been my brother."
It's like she can't even see me anymore, but that's no different to how it always was.
My future never had anything to do with me, it was what they wanted.
It was about how they looked as parents.
It meant that moving across the Pacific Ocean was a success.
"Why isn't what you've achieved enough?" I ask.
"What are you talking about?"
I look my mother dead in the eye. "You barely spoke English when you moved here, now you're practically running a company. Are you not allowed to be proud of yourself?"
"This isn't about me."
"Why not?"
"Because it's about how you dropped out of college, disappeared for months on end, then, when you show up, it's in the arms of your brother's thirty-four year old best friend."
"Which one of those things is worse?"
"I'm done playing your games. You're coming with me now." She grabs my arm again but I tear it away.
"Which is it, Mom? What do you hate more? That I dropped out of college, or that I'm gay?"
"You're not gay."
"I've always been gay."
"You've had girlfriends."
"And so has he." I throw my hand in Eden's direction and my mother steps closer, like she just remembered we're in public.
"He's not gay either, Jintae. He's a man that's far too old for you who doesn't know what the hell he wants. Just like you don't."
"I can't believe that after all this, you still won't listen to me."
"There's nothing to listen to. He's never welcome back in my house, and you're never leaving it."
I square up to my mother and inch closer. "If he's not welcome, consider me a stranger."
"Are you really willing to disown yourself?"
"I think the real question is; are you willing to forgo any relationship with your son because he doesn't want to follow your path?"
"But we gave you a choice."
"I didn't want any of them. I don't want to be a doctor or an engineer, either."
"But you're so smart."
"Bakers are allowed to be smart, too."
Her face contorts. "Bakers?"
"Yeah." I stand up the straightest I have all day and look back at Eden. "I wanna go to culinary school."
"You know nothing about baking, or cooking, or even turning on a damn stove."
"I've watched you and Halmae for years, and… you'd be surprised what I can do for myself now."
I watch my mother's eyes flicker from mine and over to Eden. "I suppose you had something to do with this?"
"I'm hearing about it for the first time, too, Minjee."
"I told you not to call me that."
"I'm not gonna stop."
"This level of betrayal shows you have no respect for me."
"You lost your own respect by the way you're treating Jin. But betrayals mean ill intention, and I love your son more than anything in the world."
"You were with Shawn for five years."
"And this is bigger than that. I already know it is."
"You're manipulating him."
"We both know he's smarter than I am, so if anyone's being manipulated, it's me."
"You're too old for him, that's the real problem here."
"I know." My head whips towards Eden. "And he can leave whenever he wants."
"I don't wanna leave." I walk away from my mother and stand beside Eden. "I won't leave."
"Jin, please."
Without looking, I seek out Eden's hand then ask my mother; "Do you love me?"
"Of course I do."
"Then you need to be happy for me."
She grips the strap of her handbag again with both hands, but this time it's out of insecurity. "I don't know if I believe that you're happy. I don't know if you've actually thought this through, or… or if he can even take care of you."
"He takes care of me."
My mom gestures towards Eden. "See. He just admitted that he can't—"
"You're not listening, Mom. I'm not your little boy anymore."
"You'll always be my little boy."
"And you'll always be my mom… If you want to be."
"Of course I want to be. But this is a lot. This is bigger than you bringing home an older boyfriend. He's the closest thing to being a son that you can get without actually being someone's son."
Eden squeezes my hand. "I didn't plan it, Minjee. You can choose to believe it, or not, but I tried my hardest to keep away. I didn't invite him over. I didn't convince him to drop out. That was all him. He's so much bigger, and braver than either of us ever gave him credit for."
My mother looks down to the bare patch of concrete between us. "Did you ever touch—"
"Don't."
Her eyes shoot back up to Eden.
"Please think about whether or not you really wanna ask me that, Minjee…
You said I was like your son, so I'd hope that means you know who I am…
Now me and Jin didn't start this winter as friends, and I hurt him in ways I'm not proud of.
But I've never cheated a day in my life.
And I would never lay a finger on someone who wasn't an adult. "
My mother's back straightens. "You hurt him?"
I step in front of Eden. "Mom, we're past that.
If anything it proves how much we couldn't stand each other.
I ran away to his cabin because I was scared to face you and Dad, it had nothing to do with Eden.
He wasn't supposed to be there. But people change, and grow, and…
I'm almost twenty. You can't stop this relationship. "
My mom's chin starts to quiver as she wrings the leather strap in her hands. "You'll forget about me like your brother did."
"He's home every holiday. And beyond that, you need to take responsibility for the part you and Dad played in pushing him away."
"We never pushed him."
"Your unrealistic expectations did. And what for? I can't see anything worth being disappointed about. He owns a business. He's really successful, Mom. He makes more than any engineer, and most lawyers."
"I know." She hangs her head. "It's just…"
"It's just what? What's so bad about being covered in tattoos, or wanting to cook?"
I watch a tear run down both of her cheeks. "It means I don't know you."
"That's only because you never listened."
"I did. I know who your friends are—they were the first ones I called. We bought you skateboards and paid for soccer, but—"
"Our futures had to be yours."
"I only wanted what was best."
"Mom, I love you, but I'm in love with Eden. You're not number one anymore."
I feel Eden's hand press against my back.
Warmth radiates through me and I feel so strong.
So seen, and heard. "I won't back down, Mom.
I got my stubbornness from you. So please hear me when I tell you, if you want me in your life, then you need to accept that we're together.
And that goes for Dad, too. I don't want to see you cry, and I never wanted to hurt you, but right now, we're going to walk away and you're not going to follow us.
You'll find Dad, talk about this, and if you're willing to accept my terms, then you'll meet us at the cafe at ten o'clock. "
I reach behind my back and lace my fingers between Eden's. "I hope to see you there, Minjee," he says, and leads me away.
I never thought it would be possible to feel light and heavy at the same time.
I'm so proud of myself for finally saying what I've wanted to for so long, but in doing so I've opened a door that my parents might slam shut in my face—locking me on the other side of it.
"I'm proud of you, Jin."
I nod because I know that if I speak I'll cry again.
"I'm never going to leave you."
I sniffle and hug his arm.
"The Pasty Arts course at the Seattle Culinary Academy is meant to be the best in the state."
Stopping in my tracks, I take in a deep breath, but as soon as I lock eyes with Eden the tears start anyway. "How did you know?"
He smiles down at me. "I had a hunch."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
"Don't be stupid." He wipes away my tears. "Why are you crying about this?"
"I don't know," I laugh through the tears. "It's not because I feel sad."
"Then you can cry as many happy tears as you want."