Paralyzed

Chapter 8

T he moon had risen high in the sky and the night had moved into the late hours when Nathan returned to bed to sleep. Aunt Becky had come to the door once to ask if he’d like something to eat and when he’d refused, she’d hesitated for a moment before leaving. He knew his aunts were worried about him, and he felt terrible about it, but this burden didn’t belong to them. No one else could help him carry it.

He fell into a fitful sleep, one where he dreamed of his parents and the devil chasing them. When he saw the devil’s face, he cried out because it was like looking in the mirror. His own face peered back at him, a maniacal grin on the devil’s lips. His mother turned to look at him, tears streaking down her face. She mouthed something he couldn’t understand and before she could try again, the devil grew and grew, swallowing both of his parents in a shroud of darkness.

Nathan screamed and jerked upright in bed, gasping and sweating. Was the dream showing him his parents were in hell? Were they suffering because of him? “Oh God,” he sobbed and covered his face with his hands.

A hand touching his shoulder startled him and he dropped his hands to his lap to find Jessica sitting on the edge of his bed, a sympathetic yet concerned look on her face. He felt his lip quiver like a little kid’s about to cry and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. “Shh, my little Nate, it was just a dream,” she soothed, rubbing one hand up and down his back.

“I saw them, Aunt Jess.” He wept against the side of her neck.

“Saw who, baby?”

“My parents. They were suffering… because of me.” Nathan couldn’t help but feel selfish for accepting her comfort when he didn’t deserve it.

“Hush now,” Jess murmured. “You know it was an accident, sweetie. We’ve gone over this before. It’s not your fault.”

“It is my fault. I never should have made them leave the party!” Nathan pushed away from her and tried to suck in air. His lungs felt constricted.

Jessica brushed his hair back from his face. “Breathe, Nate. Relax. It’s okay. Just breathe.”

Nathan couldn’t stop the panic attack when it hit him. He struggled to breathe, to stop the bed from being yanked out from under him. His throat tightened and his screams echoed in his head, yet he couldn’t make a sound. Jessica rubbed his hands between hers, but he couldn’t feel her skin against his. His insides clenched hard, a giant fist wrapped around them, squeezing and squeezing. On more than one occasion, he’d missed a step on the stairs from his apartment and almost fallen, but the way his stomach lurched then never compared to the way it did when the panic attacks hit. His heart beat like furious bird wings at his rib cage, threatening to break free. It felt as though he were dying.

Minutes or hours could have passed by the time he could breathe normally, and his aunts’ voices filtered past the roaring sound in his ears. Nathan shivered and tried to calm himself.

“Nate?” Becky prodded.

“I-I’m okay.”

“Maybe we need to call Dr. Schwartzer,” Jessica said.

“No!” Nathan exclaimed. “No, I’m fine.”

“I think maybe we should see if he could prescribe something for you, Nate,” Becky argued, wiping his cheeks and forehead with a wet cloth.

Nathan shook his head furiously while grabbing her hand with the cloth to stop her ministrations. The pills always dulled his senses and made him feel as though he were underwater. “I’m okay, Aunt Becky. I just had a bad dream.”

“It’s been a while since you had a panic attack,” Jessica pointed out. “Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”

Nathan almost snorted but didn’t want to alert them to any changes in his life. “Just school and work.”

“I really wish you’d move back home,” Becky said.

“You know I can’t, Aunt Becky. You’ve already done so much for me.”

Becky sighed. “You don’t owe us anything, Nate.”

“Of course, I do!”

Becky huffed and stood. She glared at him angrily. “You don’t and never will owe us a damn thing, you stubborn brat.”

She stomped out of the room in a mood, and Nathan sighed. He knew he hurt her by insisting he owed them, but if it wasn’t for him, they never would have had to take care of a teenage boy and put their own life on hold to do so. Jessica patted him on his shoulder. “She loves you, you know.”

“I know,” Nathan whispered.

“Then stop hurting her by saying such foolish things. You’re a part of our family and we wouldn’t have it any other way, Nate.”

Nathan looked at his aunt and then down at the bedspread on his lap. “I just feel responsible for you guys not being able to travel like you wanted.”

Jessica made a pfft sound. “Big talk, Nate. We’re two homebodies who prefer to be in our own place than romping the mean roads of different countries or states. The farthest we’ve ever gone, even before you came to live with us, was the next county over.”

A smile danced at the edges of Nathan’s lips. “Really?”

“Really,” Jessica said. “I don’t think your Aunt Becky could handle a sixteen-hour flight overseas. She’d be pacing the plane, making everyone nervous. You know she can’t sit still for longer than five minutes. The air marshal would think she was a terrorist or something.”

Nathan chuckled slightly. “You’re probably right.”

Jessica covered his hand with hers. “Stop apologizing and stop thinking you’re a burden, Nate. You are far from anything except welcome here with open arms.”

Nathan bit back the instinctual argument and gave her a weak smile. “I’ll try.”

“Good. Do that. Now, you think you can get back to sleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“There’s still a couple of hours before daylight, so why don’t you try? I’ll make pancakes for breakfast, okay?”

“Okay.”

Jessica kissed his forehead and stood. She gave him a comforting look on the way out of the room. Nathan lay back down and tried to sleep, but the memory of the nightmare kept him awake. He’d communicated with a lot of spirits in the last six years, some newly dead and some gone for years, but he’d never once seen his parents. He’d always assumed they’d just moved on to the other side, but the dream made him worry they were stuck in limbo, held by whatever demons haunted them. Maybe even the demons haunting him were responsible. How could he help them if they were? Could he help them?

Nathan spent the rest of the early morning hours staring at the ceiling, his thoughts chasing one another in an endless loop. He heard his aunts beginning to move around and getting ready to face the new day. Eventually the smell of frying bacon and the sweet scent of pancakes drifted up the stairs, causing him to give up the fight and drag himself from the bed. He didn’t bother putting his socks from yesterday on and stuffed his feet into his sneakers, pushing the laces inside the shoe instead of tying them.

Arriving downstairs, he found Jessica at the stove and Becky setting the table. He walked up to her and gave her a hug, silently apologizing for upsetting her. She sniffled and returned his embrace. Nathan felt terrible.

“Enough blubbering, you two,” Jessica interrupted, setting a large plate of pancakes in the center of the table and another with crispy bacon beside it.

Nathan released Becky and stepped back. Becky kissed his cheek, pulled out her chair, and sat down. “What are your plans for today, sweetie?” she asked, the events of the night before forgiven.

“Studying, and I have a session at Java Bean tonight.” Jessica dished several pancakes onto his plate. “I’m not going to eat all this,” Nathan protested.

“Try,” Jessica said and placed two pancakes on her plate and another two on Becky’s.

Grumbling, Nathan shook his head and poured syrup on them. He ate two before his stomach pained him. He sat back with a sigh. “I’m done.”

“You barely ate anything,” Becky said.

“I can’t eat anymore, Aunt Becky.”

Becky sighed and shook her head. “Troy was right. You aren’t eating enough. I may end up having to come check up on you every morning.”

“Please don’t do that. I’m fine. I just don’t have a large appetite.”

Jessica chuckled and started clearing the table, and Nathan instantly jumped up to help her. He put away the syrup and butter and then started drying as Jessica washed. Becky wandered off to start the second coat of paint on the downstairs walls.

“She means well, Nate.”

“I know, Aunt Jess. I am old enough to take care of myself now, though.”

“If you don’t start taking care of yourself better, they won’t be empty promises, Nate. You know how she is when she gets something in her head.”

Nathan knew only too well. There’d been many failed experiments on his aunt’s part, and she’d often roped him into helping. The basement had several boxes of those attempts that hadn’t panned out.

“I eat when I get hungry. Sometimes I just forget because I’m so busy. With the store and school, I don’t have a lot of time to think of other stuff.”

“You should make time, Nate. For our sake and your own.”

“I’ll try.”

Jessica said nothing more on the subject and they finished the dishes without further chatter, listening to Becky singing in the other room as she painted. After they were done, Nathan glanced at the clock. “I should get going. I need to run home and grab my books before heading to the library.”

“I’ll drive you,” Jessica offered.

“That’s okay, Aunt Jess. I can take the bus.”

“It’s all right, Nate. I don’t mind.”

Nathan hesitated, but he knew he was still too fresh from last night’s panic attack and the migraine to risk running into another spirit like the woman on the bus from the other day. “If you’re sure it’s not too much trouble.”

“Of course not. Let me go grab my purse and tell Becky. Give me two minutes, hon.”

Jessica left the room and Nathan made his way to the front door. He heard Becky and Jessica talking softly. Then they both appeared in the living room entryway. Becky had a streak of light blue paint on one cheek. He grinned. She always had been a messy painter.

Becky came to him and hugged him once more. “You take care of yourself, Nate, and please come over more often, sweetie. I miss having you around.”

“Sure, Aunt Becky. I will.”

“I love you,” she murmured and stepped back.

“Love you, too.”

Jessica kissed Becky. “I’ll be back soon, baby.”

“Be careful,” Becky said.

A few minutes later, Nathan and Jessica were on the road heading to Nathan’s apartment. Jessica fiddled with the radio for a bit until she found a station she liked. They spoke little, just riding together in companionable silence. When she pulled up to the curb in front of his place, Nathan opened the door. “Thanks for the ride, Aunt Jess.”

“No problem, hon. Get some more rest when you’re done with your studying,” she commanded.

“I will,” Nathan promised and shut the door. He waved as she left and then turned toward the front of his building, only to stop short. His eyes widened as he saw Erik sitting on the bottom steps, a coffee cup dangling in his hands between his knees. “What are you doing here?” he asked in surprise.

Erik stood and tossed the cup into a nearby garbage can. “I called the store yesterday, and they said you weren’t available. When I called a second time and they said you’d gone home, I went to the store because I thought maybe you were avoiding me. The young man, Quincy or something, told me you were ill. I was concerned.”

“How did you know where I live?” Nathan ignored the thrill that went through him at hearing Erik’s worry about him.

“Quincy gave me the address. You should really have a talk with him, giving out your personal info so easily,” Erik admonished and came closer.

“Quincy? Oh, you mean Quinn.” Remind self to kill Quinn .

“That’s it. Are you feeling better?”

Nathan fought the urge to retreat. Erik stopped in front of him. “Much,” he replied hoarsely.

“Good. I came by last night, but there was no answer. I was beginning to worry when you didn’t answer again this morning. Who was that in the car?”

“My aunt.”

Erik reached out and touched Nathan’s cheek. “You were avoiding me when I called, weren’t you?”

Nathan felt guilty, despite knowing it was best for them both. He tried to ignore the feeling of Erik’s calloused fingers on his skin. “I wasn’t avoiding you,” he lied.

Erik gave him a skeptical look. “Why don’t I believe you?”

“I wasn’t!”

“It was just because you were sick, then?”

“Yes,” Nathan said, grasping at the lifeline.

“What was wrong?” Erik stroked his thumb over Nathan’s cheekbone.

“Huh?” Nathan had to struggle to understand what Erik was asking.

“You were sick. What was wrong?”

“Oh. Migraine.”

Erik frowned. “Do you get those often?”

“Sometimes.”

Erik dropped his hand from Nathan’s face. “Have you seen a doctor about them?”

“There’s nothing they can do.” Nathan ignored the bereft sensation in his stomach at the loss of Erik’s touch. “I just have to suffer through them.”

“Well, that seems ridiculous. They can’t give you any painkillers?”

Nathan shook his head. “No. They can’t because I was—” He stopped himself, realizing in horror what he’d almost admitted.

“You were what?” Erik asked, frowning.

“Nothing. They just can’t prescribe me anything that will help.” Nathan limped past Erik, only to be stopped by Erik’s hand on his arm.

Erik didn’t say anything at first and then let Nathan’s arm go. “Are you busy today?” he asked.

Nathan knew he should study. He should say yes and keep moving, but weakness stopped him. “Not until later,” he mumbled.

“Spend the day with me, then.”

Nathan hesitated, looking down at his shoes. “I need to take a shower first and change my clothes,” he finally said.

“Okay. I can wait.”

Crap, that meant he’d have to do the polite thing and invite Erik into his apartment. “Uh… would you like to come in while you wait?”

Erik smiled. “Sure.”

As they climbed the stairs, Nathan tried to remember if anything was lying around Erik shouldn’t see, but he couldn’t picture his place from when he and Troy had left the morning before. He unlocked the door and entered, closing the door after Erik. He did a quick survey of the place as he dropped his keys and wallet on the kitchen counter. Somehow, the apartment seemed smaller with Erik there, and Nathan cleared his throat. “Why don’t you have a seat? I won’t be long.”

“Don’t rush on my account. I’m pretty easy to entertain.” Erik nudged him lightly toward the hallway. “Go on. Promise I won’t steal anything.”

Nathan flushed. “I wasn’t—”

“I’m teasing you, Nathan. I do that a lot, so you’re going to have to get used to it.”

Erik’s words implied they were going to spend more time together, and Nathan tried to fight off the surge of anticipation the idea caused in his belly. “Sorry,” Nathan said. “I’ll be right back.”

He hurried down the hallway as fast as his bad leg would allow and into his room. Alan was nowhere to be seen, which made Nathan happy. He couldn’t handle another bout of guilt right now. Searching through his dresser, he found a pair of light stonewashed jeans with a couple of rips in the knee area and a plain blue T-shirt. They were some of the few “normal” clothes he owned. Most everything else he had was black and featured bands or skulls. He’d never needed to worry about his wardrobe because of the store he worked at, and Curtis didn’t care what he wore during his sets at the Java Bean. Curtis said it showed his personality as an artist or some such thing. Nathan just preferred to wear what suited his moods regularly.

Nathan rushed through his shower, dried off, and dressed quickly. He brushed his hair and tied it back with a thin black band. Leaving the bathroom, he reentered the bedroom to put on socks and his usual sneakers. He took a deep breath and exited his room. Erik stood near the window, his back to him. Nathan couldn’t help but wonder what Erik thought of his tiny apartment as he studied the man’s broad shoulders and long legs.

Erik turned and smiled when he saw Nathan standing at the end of the hallway. “Ready?”

Nodding, Nathan snatched his wallet and keys from the bar separating the kitchen from the living area. He stuffed his wallet in his back pocket and waited for Erik to precede him out the door. Erik remained at the top of the stairs as Nathan locked up. They had to descend single file, as the stairwell was too narrow to go side by side. Nathan couldn’t stop himself from studying the way Erik’s jeans hugged every curve of his backside in a loving manner. Heat crowded Nathan’s lower belly, and he had to take several deep breaths to calm down.

He was too busy struggling not to let his lust overwhelm him to notice his leg about to give out. When Erik reached the bottom, Nathan went to step down onto the last step and his leg crumpled beneath his weight. He slammed into Erik’s back, almost knocking him over, and grabbed hold of the man’s shirt. The minute his leg had stabilized enough to hold him, he stumbled backward. “I’m so sorry,” he muttered in embarrassment, his cheeks hot.

“No harm done. Does that happen often?” Erik asked.

Nathan couldn’t meet Erik’s gaze as he struggled to form words. “So-sometimes.”

Erik left it at that and didn’t question him further. “Where would you like to go?” Erik asked.

Nathan shrugged. He didn’t usually go anywhere to have fun. School, work, and playing at Java Bean consumed most of his time. “I don’t really know.”

“No favorite hangouts?”

Snorting, Nathan shook his head. “I rarely have a lot of time to hang out. I’m too busy studying or working most of the week.”

Erik didn’t respond, but Nathan could sense his words had upset Erik. “If you changed your mind, that’s okay. I’ll understand.”

“Of course not!” Erik exclaimed. “Come on, let’s go. I have an idea.”

Nathan gave him a skeptical look but followed Erik to his truck. Erik opened his door for him, much to his discomfort. “I can open my door,” he protested.

“I know you can, but I wanted to do it for you,” Erik said. “Get in.”

Climbing onto the seat, Nathan went to reach for the handle to close it, but Erik beat him to it. Nathan used the time it took for Erik to walk around the truck to look at the posh interior. Light tan leather seats with the latest state-of-the-art equipment on the dashboard screamed money. He kept his hands clasped together in his lap in fear of damaging anything. There was no way he could afford to fix any of the expensive gadgets.

Erik slid into the driver’s side and started the truck. He pulled away from the curb and headed downtown. “So, Nathan, what are you studying in school?”

“Business.”

“Any particular type?”

“Administration.”

“That’s a good one. It has a very broad range, so you aren’t stuck with just one type of specialization. Also good if you intend to start your own business. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Plan on starting your own business?”

“Oh. Someday I suppose. I just need to get a better job so I can start paying my aunts back.”

Erik glanced at him as he turned a corner. “Are they paying for you to go to school?”

Nathan tensed. Damn it. He seriously needed to stop letting his guard down around Erik. This was the third time he’d slipped. Something about the man made Nathan feel so comfortable. Almost as though he were with Troy. “Something like that.”

“I see. I’m sure they’ll understand if you need a little time to return the money.”

Shrugging, Nathan stared out the passenger window, watching the buildings go by. “So where are we going?” he asked, changing the subject.

“You’ll see,” Erik replied. “I started my business pretty early after college. It can be a very rewarding experience.”

Yeah, if you have money to start it with , Nathan thought sarcastically. “I guess.”

“What made you decide on business if you’re so into music?”

Somehow, Erik had focused on the things Nathan couldn’t answer without giving away his past. “Music is fun to play, but it doesn’t pay the bills,” he carefully said.

“But if you enjoy playing, that should be what matters. I’ve seen you talk about music. Your entire face lights up. Isn’t that what you’d rather be doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want to do.”

“Of course it does! It matters a lot.”

Nathan fidgeted in his seat, uncomfortable with the topic. Erik’s words were like knives, sharp and unrelenting. He would give anything to be a musician. But what he wanted and what he needed to do were two entirely separate things. “Look, you don’t know me, and you don’t know my life. If you’re going to continue to talk about it, please stop the truck and let me out now.”

“You’re right. I don’t know you. Not yet anyway. I’m sorry. I’m sometimes more vocal about things than I should be. Forgive me, please?”

Nathan gave a stiff nod in acknowledgement of Erik’s apology. His acceptance had Erik smiling again and when they pulled up to the Oceanfront Boardwalk, Nathan raised an eyebrow. This is where he’d thought to come? “Ever been on the Skywheel?” Erik asked.

“No.” They had built the Skywheel while Nathan had been in the hospital, and he’d never even thought about coming to the boardwalk to ride it. Troy had tried to get him to go a few times, but he’d always refused. The ride was a bit like a Ferris wheel with enclosed seats instead of the typical bucket seats. Glass windows allowed you to look out and see for miles in each direction. The thing went over two hundred feet above the beach.

“You’re not afraid of heights, are you?” Erik asked as he climbed out of the truck.

Nathan shook his head. Heights were nothing compared to the horrors he’d witnessed over the years. He exited the truck on his side and slammed the door shut. Nathan immediately picked up on the presence of a spirit and tensed. A woman stood beneath a palm tree, staring out at the ocean. The white glow around her shimmered as her emotions shifted. Swallowing hard, Nathan tried his best to ignore her and followed Erik toward the Skywheel.

“You okay?” Erik asked, concerned.

“I’m fine.” Nathan tried to paste on a smile, but the woman’s emotions were so strong. They hit him like needles despite the distance between them. “Just a little tired.”

Erik stopped and touched Nathan’s shoulder. “Why didn’t you say something? Do you want to go home and rest?”

“No! No. I’m okay,” he said, trying to pull it back a notch. “I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to.”

“If you’re sure,” Erik said, eyeing Nathan for a moment.

“I am. Let’s go.” Nathan didn’t even stop to think before he grabbed Erik’s hand and tugged him toward the Skywheel. Hopefully, being two hundred feet in the air would be enough distance to escape the woman’s overpowering feelings. When they reached the ticket window, Nathan realized he still held Erik’s hand and dropped it as if it was hot. “Sorry,” he muttered.

Erik grinned and leaned in a little closer. “I’m not.”

Nathan flushed and fumbled for his wallet. Erik immediately waved at him to put it back. “My treat,” he said.

“But—”

Erik didn’t give him a chance to finish his protest before he handed over his credit card to the woman behind the glass. “Two VIP please.”

Nathan frowned. VIP?

The woman processed the transaction and handed him two black-colored tickets and his card. “Take the stairs to the right, sir. Our attendant will be right with you.”

Placing his card back into his wallet and then stuffing it into his back pocket, Erik took hold of Nathan’s hand again and held on tight, despite Nathan’s attempts to pull away. Several people stared and whispered amongst themselves, causing Nathan to feel even more uncomfortable. “Erik,” he muttered. “Let go.”

Erik didn’t pay attention to him, just handed the tickets to the attendant at the top of the stairs. Nathan kept his face turned away from the line of people they’d just skipped. He picked up on several people complaining about them getting to the head of the line when they were there waiting, but it wasn’t that which made him stiffen. The venomous word one guy spat made Nathan tense. He jerked his hand from Erik’s, this time successfully. Erik looked at him, forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“People are staring,” Nathan whispered.

“So? Let them stare.”

So easy for someone who’d never had people look at him with fear or hatred before. Nathan folded his arms and kept his head down, his gaze locked on the ground. Erik swore beneath his breath and wrapped an arm around Nathan’s shoulders, leading him into one enclosure on the ride. Nathan sank onto a bench and pushed as far into the corner of the seat as possible. Erik sat next to him as the attendant closed the door and then the Skywheel began moving.