Paralyzed

Chapter 9

A t first, Nathan didn’t notice the floor beneath them, but when he’d finally calmed down enough to look around, his breath caught. The floor was see-through. Glass allowed him to see straight to the ground. Nathan sucked in a breath. He raised his gaze to look out at the ocean and the beach goers bobbing in the waves.

Erik didn’t ask him about his reaction from before and Nathan was grateful.

“Breathtaking sight, isn’t it?” Erik asked.

Nathan nodded and continued to survey the surrounding area. The spirit’s emotions were no longer weighing on him and he could enjoy the ride. He smiled and pressed closer to the glass, watching the boats sailing in the distance.

“Makes you feel kind of small, doesn’t it?” Erik mused.

“Yeah,” Nathan said. “I forgot how much I used to like the beach. Troy and I used to come here a lot in the summer before…”

Erik ignored his pause. “You and Troy have known each other for a while?”

Nathan smiled. “Since middle school.”

“Somehow I can see the two of you getting into a lot of trouble together,” Erik teased.

Laughing lightly, Nathan glanced at Erik for a moment. “We did. The principal was definitely glad to see us move on to high school.”

“Caused a lot of trouble, did you?”

“Both of us liked to play poker, a lot.”

“You take the other kids’ lunch money?” Erik chuckled.

“We didn’t steal it. We won it. Troy and I learned to play poker at an early age.”

Erik leaned his head back and laughed loudly, a deep baritone sound that sent heat rushing to Nathan’s groin. Nathan shifted in his seat to hide his reaction. “I bet the other kids’ parents loved you,” Erik said, eyes twinkling with mirth.

“We didn’t force them to play. They wanted to win their money back each week. Wasn’t our fault they weren’t any good at it.”

Erik had a knowing look on his face but kept quiet. Nathan returned to watching the waves and people who looked like ants. A glow resonated inside his chest, a feeling he’d never had before, and it made him almost giddy.

“Which college are you attending now?” Erik asked.

“Webster University. In my fourth year.” He changed the subject. “What made you want to go into architecture and construction?”

“My dad was a contractor, and I used to hang out at the sites with him after school. I found I liked the smell of fresh cut wood, and I loved seeing the unique designs my father would help construct. They inspired me to want to create my own works of art.”

Envy bit deep. Nathan would give anything to have had the same time with his own father. “Where was your mom?”

“Not in the picture. Dad told me she took off when I was a baby. Something about discovering herself in Hollywood.”

Nathan couldn’t imagine not being wanted. He looked at Erik with sympathy. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I looked for her later. She remarried and had a new family. I didn’t even try to open communication with her. If she’d wanted to be in my life, she would have tried by then. My dad more than made up for her absence every way he could.”

“Still pretty messed up on her part. I can’t imagine not wanting to be a part of your life.” Nathan realized what he said. “I mean uh… a mom not wanting to be a part of her son’s life.”

Erik smirked but didn’t call him on the slip of the tongue. He shrugged. “Things happen. I may not be where I am today if she’d stuck around or taken me with her.”

“Where’s your dad?” Nathan asked curiously.

“Retired to Miami. He didn’t want to, intended on working his whole life, but he had a heart attack about four years ago and his body couldn’t take the strain anymore. I fly down there once every couple of months to spend time with him.”

“That’s nice,” Nathan murmured.

“How long have you worked at the music store?”

“Almost four years now. I started working there right before college.”

“You’re a manager now?”

Nathan nodded and looked out over the water once more. “About a year and a half. I usually work after classes and on Saturdays, with a Sunday thrown in twice a month.”

The Skywheel came to a halt to let passengers off. It wouldn’t be long before the ride was over for the two of them. “What about Saturday and Sunday nights?” Erik asked.

“I actually play at a local coffee shop,” Nathan replied.

“Play? Guitar?”

“Yep. The owner of the shop has been letting me set up every weekend for about a year.”

“Is it just you, or do you have others with you?”

“Just me. I usually have about an hour or two of songs.”

“Do you sing as well?”

“Sometimes. Depends on how I’m feeling.”

Erik continued to ask him about his music as the Skywheel halted several times more before they reached the end of their own ride. Nathan stood a bit too soon and stumbled when the wheel stopped. Erik caught him and steadied him, a hand on Nathan’s hip and the other on his waist. “Okay?” Erik asked, standing and bringing his body into full contact with Nathan’s.

Nathan felt crowded and nodded, stepping back. “I’m fine. Stupid mistake on my part.”

Erik led the way out of the car and down the steps. “Are you hungry?” he asked when they’d reached the sidewalk.

“Not really,” Nathan said.

“Would you like to take a walk on the beach, then?”

Nathan shrugged. “Okay.”

They headed to Erik’s truck first to deposit their shoes inside the cab. The woman’s spirit had disappeared, and Nathan couldn’t have been more relieved. Nathan stopped at the edge of the sidewalk to roll up both pant legs until about mid-calf. When he straightened up, he noticed Erik watching him, a strange expression on his face.

“What?” Nathan asked.

Erik shook his head and the look vanished. “Nothing.”

The waves crashed along the shoreline as Nathan waited for Erik to roll up his pant legs as well. He tried to ignore the way Erik’s shoulder brushed against his as they walked toward the water. When they reached it, Erik turned to follow the shore. “Can I ask you something?” Erik asked over the sound of the ocean.

Anxiety hit Nathan, but he nodded.

“How did you injure your leg?”

Nathan swallowed hard. He glanced down and realized he’d forgotten the scars. No wonder Erik had been staring moments ago. He couldn’t just brush off or ignore Erik’s question this time. His throat felt like sandpaper when he choked out, “Car accident.”

“How long ago?”

“Six years.” Six agonizing years.

Erik said nothing for several minutes. They had gone another hundred feet when Erik asked Nathan the inevitable question. “Is that when you lost your parents?”

Nathan’s eyes burned, and he blinked furiously, turning his head opposite the water. He cleared his throat. “Yes.”

Erik halted and placed a hand on Nathan’s forearm. “I’m truly sorry, Nathan.”

Trying to act nonchalant, embarrassed at his reaction in front of Erik, Nathan shrugged. “It was a long time ago.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt any less. How’d it happen?”

Nathan looked down at the sand, watching their feet sink into the wetness, wishing it would swallow him whole. “Drunk driver.”

Erik surprised Nathan again by pulling him into an embrace. Nathan didn’t quite know how to react. He kept his arms by his sides until the warmth of Erik’s body seeped into his, and Nathan hesitantly brought his arms around Erik’s waist.

“I’m so sorry about your parents, but I’m glad you survived,” Erik said, his voice rumbling against Nathan’s ear.

Nathan didn’t understand why Erik would care so much. They’d only just met a few days ago. Discomfort set in, and he broke free of Erik’s hug. He held on to the words he wanted to say. How he wished he hadn’t lived. It should have been his parents who had. The water splashed over Nathan’s toes, and he backed up a bit, refusing to meet Erik’s gaze.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Erik said.

“You didn’t,” Nathan lied. “Can we head back now? I’ve got to get ready for my set at Java Bean.”

“Are you sure you don’t have time for lunch?”

“I’m not hungry,” Nathan repeated his answer from earlier.

Erik let out a small sigh but didn’t push. “All right.”

Nathan ignored the sound. In order to clear his mind of the situation with Erik, he needed some time alone. He still hated himself for being attracted to Alan’s fiancé and for not having the strength to stay away. There really was no excuse for his actions. Starting Monday, though, he wouldn’t have any time to spend with Erik, so hopefully he could use that space to stamp out any feelings he had for him.

“What time do you play?” Erik interrupted his self-deprecation as they turned toward the truck and walked back.

“Seven.” Nathan knew telling Erik the time his gig started revealed just how much time there truly was before he needed to leave for his set.

“I see,” Erik murmured, barely discernible over the waves crashing along the shore. “May I come watch?”

Nathan didn’t answer at first. He argued with himself to tell Erik no, but it wasn’t like he could really stop the guy. It was a public coffeehouse, after all.

“You don’t want me to,” Erik said flatly.

“No! I mean… No, it’s not that I don’t want you to.”

Erik’s presence would definitely be distracting. The more time Nathan spent around him, the more he wanted to be normal and to have a normal life. If he were someone else or Alan had never realized he could see spirits, things would be different. Maybe. But things weren’t different, and Alan had figured out Nathan’s horrible gift.

Erik stopped walking and Nathan halted as well, looking at Erik. He could see hurt shimmering in Erik’s eyes and his heart twisted. Before he could stop himself, Nathan blurted out, “You can come.”

Damn it! What the hell was wrong with him? Hadn’t he already learned his lesson? The happiness that overtook Erik’s features, though, stifled any more of his silent arguments and Nathan returned Erik’s smile.

“Great!” Erik resumed walking, a slight bounce in his step.

Nathan gave a small shake of his head and trailed after him. Somehow, the man wiped out all his survival instincts.

Once they reached the vehicle, Erik handed him a towel from the floor of the back seat to wipe his feet. Nathan worked quickly, dusting off the sand and perching on the edge of the doorjamb to put on his socks and shoes. He rolled down his pant legs and handed the towel to Erik, who also used it to remove the beach sand from his feet. Nathan climbed into the passenger side while waiting for Erik to finish. He stared out of the windshield at the ocean, wondering what the hell he planned on telling Alan when he saw him again.

Erik tossed the towel on the floor behind the driver’s side and climbed in, and then he started the engine, backing out of the parking space. “So, where is this coffeehouse at?”

“Java Bean? You’ve never been there?” Nathan asked.

Erik shook his head. “Nope.”

“I’m surprised. It’s close to your office address.”

“You know where my office is?” Erik prodded, interest buried in his tone.

Nathan flushed. “You gave me your business card at the store.”

“Oh. That’s right.” Erik laughed. “I forgot. Here I was, hoping you were more into me than you let on.”

“What?” Nathan stared at Erik, heart beating furiously.

Erik pulled to a stop at a red light and turned in his seat to look at Nathan. “You’re not all that easy to read. Sometimes I can see you’re attracted to me almost as much as I am to you, but at other times you’re like a wall with a huge stop sign on it.”

Nathan’s mouth went dry. He tried to swallow. When he could finally speak, he said, “You don’t have much of a filter, do you?”

“Not really. I don’t see the point of not being honest with each other. Used to drive my fiancé nuts sometimes.”

“I bet,” Nathan muttered.

Erik laughed again. “See? You and Alan would have gotten along great. You both have similar personalities.”

Nathan nearly burst into hysterical giggles. Erik had no idea just how much he and Alan wouldn’t have been able to stand one another. “How long were you two together?” Nathan asked, even though he already knew the answer. He just really wanted to change the subject from being focused on his feelings for Erik.

“Three years.”

“What was he like?”

“Fun and carefree, but caring. He had a big heart and helped anyone who needed it. He loved to dance and be spontaneous. You almost never saw him upset or sad. The only time I can remember ever seeing him cry was when I asked him to marry me. He also had a sarcastic streak to beat all hell.”

“Oh yeah, we sound like two peas in a pod,” Nathan replied drily.

Erik stopped the truck in front of Nathan’s apartment, turning the engine off. “You sell yourself short, Nathan. I’ve seen the way you are with your friend. You care very much about him.”

Nathan shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “That doesn’t make me like your fiancé.”

“You’re also strong like he was,” Erik said, leaning closer to Nathan. “Stubborn and fierce and full of pride.”

Nathan couldn’t do anything except watch as Erik moved toward him. His lips parted in a small catch of breath when Erik cupped the side of his face. Nathan’s stomach twisted sharply the moment Erik’s lips settled on his. Erik encouraged Nathan to kiss him back by breaking the contact long enough to surge forward once more.

Hesitantly, Nathan responded, copying Erik’s actions. A gasp broke free when Erik slid his tongue along Nathan’s lower lip, and Nathan struggled to control his reaction to the other man. Disappointment set in when Erik broke the kiss.

“Nathan…” Erik sighed and slid his hand down to Nathan’s chest, coming to rest over his heart. The furious beating of said muscle tapped a rhythm against Erik’s palm. “You should go in before I do something I’ll regret.”

Nathan didn’t understand what Erik meant, but he felt too embarrassed to ask and kept his face averted, trying to hide the flush heating his cheeks. He fumbled for the handle, only to jump when Erik reached past him and opened the door. He climbed down from the truck.

“Nathan?”

Taking a deep breath, Nathan paused in closing the door and raised his gaze to Erik to find an amused expression.

“I’ll see you tonight, okay?” Erik said.

Nodding, Nathan shut the door and tried to walk normally to the stairs. He took each one carefully until he reached the top, where he collapsed on the step. His entire body felt feverish, and it had nothing to do with the trip up the stairs. He lifted his hand to his mouth and ran a couple of his fingers along his bottom lip, his belly tightening in remembrance of Erik’s mouth on his.

“Nate?” Alan’s voice disturbed his dazed thoughts and Nathan started, horror setting in.

Erik had kissed him, and he’d kissed back. Good God, he was a glutton for punishment. What the hell had he been thinking? He should have pushed Erik away instead of responding. How would he be able to face Alan? Nathan cleared his throat but kept his gaze on the stairwell. “Hey, A-Alan.” Nathan’s voice cracked.

“Are you okay, Nate?” Alan asked, floating closer to stand near him.

Nathan closed his eyes. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“I saw you get out of Erik’s truck. Did you talk to him?” Alan eagerly demanded.

“No, not yet.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because I haven’t.” Nathan grunted and pushed himself up from the step. He spun around and unlocked his front door. He opened it and then slammed it shut behind him after he’d walked inside.

Alan didn’t let up. He materialized through the wood and Nathan slapped his keys down on the counter. “Can you just leave me alone?” Nathan shouted.

“No! You promised, Nate! Why didn’t you tell him I’m here?” Alan returned his shout.

Nathan didn’t know what to tell him. “Because I’m not ready yet!”

Anger sliced through Nathan’s nerve endings, and he stepped back from Alan, but Alan followed. “Back off,” Nathan snapped.

“Why haven’t you told him, Nate? What’s stopping you?”

Nathan opened and closed his mouth several times, but he couldn’t come up with an answer. Something must have shone on his face though, because jealousy bit into his skin, mingling with the rage building inside Alan. “You like him, don’t you?” Alan snarled.

Nathan tried to step farther away, but his back hit the wall between the two windows at the front of his apartment. “Alan!” Nathan exclaimed in fear as Alan moved closer and closer, the spirit’s emotions digging in deep and pressing on his chest.

His knees gave out, and he crumpled to the floor, falling to his side. He could barely breathe under the onslaught. “Alan,” he choked out again. “Stop… please.”

Alan floated over him, glaring at him in fury. “You’re supposed to help me! You don’t want to tell him because you know he’ll think you’re a freak.”

Nathan cried out and curled into a ball, bringing his knees to his chest in agony. The word freak reverberated in his head repeatedly. Tears spilled down his cheeks as he sobbed, and his chest felt as if it would cave in. “Alan,” he begged weakly.

Black spots danced before his eyes, and Nathan knew if Alan didn’t let up soon, he’d pass out. “Please,” Nathan said as the black spots got bigger.

Alan must have finally realized exactly what was happening and backed off. Nathan’s sight cleared up slowly and he could see Alan standing near his kitchen, a horrified expression on his face. “Nathan… I-I’m so sorry,” Alan whispered.

Coughing, Nathan dragged himself into a sitting position. “Get out,” he spat.

“Nate—”

“Get out of my fucking apartment!” Nathan screamed. “Get out!”

Alan didn’t try again and just vanished, leaving Nathan a shuddering mess on the floor. Nathan leaned his head against the wall and covered his face, scrubbing at the tears on his cheeks.

He couldn’t do this anymore. The fire burning his lungs right then tasted acrid and metallic. He’d promised to help Alan because it was the only way to get the spirit to leave him alone, but it was all too much. His attraction to Erik only complicated things, made them worse. With every other spirit, he’d done what he’d needed to, and it was over.

Alan’s words echoed in his ears, and he knew Alan was right. He couldn’t tell Erik out of his own fear Erik would believe him to be a freak.

His emotions felt raw and frayed. Nathan dragged himself up from the floor and stumbled down the hallway to the bathroom. He opened the medicine chest over the sink and took out the prescription bottle of antipsychotics. Twisting the cap, he dumped two pills into his palm, then added a third one to ensure blissful oblivion for a while, and tossed them back, swallowing them without water.

Nathan stared at the contents of the bottle, the twenty or thirty some odd pills left, and seriously considered downing them all. Then it wouldn’t matter—his attraction to Erik or his promise to help Alan. But he’d sworn to Troy and his aunts that he would never try to kill himself again. It was the only way his aunts would allow him to control the use of the meds himself. The psychiatrist originally had his aunts doling them out, but he’d begged them when he’d moved out to let him handle it on his own. Nathan dropped the open bottle in the sink and watched the pills roll around until they stopped. The plug kept them from going down the drain, the pills too big to fit beneath it.

He made it to his bedroom before collapsing on the bed. He returned to the fetal position and didn’t move again, his unblinking gaze locked on the opposite wall. Nothing mattered. Not Java Bean or Alan or Erik. Not even Troy.

The pills set in, and his brain grew fuzzy. Sometimes the pills could last for hours, and Nathan prayed this dose would. His eyelids drooped and before long he was out cold, not knowing or caring about the hours passing by.