Paralyzed

Chapter 16

A lan never appeared at school. Not even in Professor Johns’ class. Nathan prayed he’d see him at work. Troy dropped him off and said he’d be back around nine to bring him dinner and hang out until Nathan closed the store. Disappointment filled him when he walked in and didn’t see Alan. The man wasn’t even in the stockroom where Nathan clocked in. Damn. He’d really hoped Alan had heard him at his apartment. He settled in to work his shift, all while glancing around occasionally for the spirit.

It wasn’t until after Troy brought him dinner and Quinn bailed early that Alan made an appearance. Nathan didn’t notice him at first because he was busy taking inventory. When he’d made the final notation in the tablet he held, Nathan turned and almost walked through Alan. He gasped and stepped back. “Alan! Oh thank fuck!”

Sadness trickled over Nathan and he knew it came from Alan. “Where did you go?” Nathan asked.

Alan gave him a bitter smile. “Just wandered. I can’t go where I want to go, where I need to go.”

“I still want to help you,” Nathan said. “Troy and I found nothing concrete, but I went through the blog you had and found a post. You mentioned knowing something Erik didn’t, and you didn’t know how to tell him without hurting him. But there weren’t any specifics. Does that bring anything to mind? At all?”

Alan shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. I can’t remember anything.”

“Tomorrow, I want to go with you to places you’re familiar with. See if anything jogs your memory.”

“Don’t you have to work?” Alan asked, frowning.

“I’m going to bail. I want to help you, Alan. If that’s the only way to help you find peace and know what you needed to tell Erik, I want to help.”

“You just don’t want to feel guilty,” Alan groused.

“I can’t deny a part of me feels guilty, but I also know I can’t leave you roaming forever. You’re a good person, Alan. What happened to you was a tragedy, and it wasn’t fair. I’ve seen what that does to a person’s spirit. There’s no way I can let that happen to you.”

Alan eyed Nathan. “Okay. I guess we can give your way a shot. Not like I have anywhere else to be.”

“Tomorrow, after classes, meet me at the front of campus. We’ll start there.”

Alan nodded and then disappeared. Nathan finished his shift, closed out the register, and locked up the store. Troy stopped for him to drop off the night deposit and then drove Nathan home.

After sending a text to Erik to let him know he was home safe, Nathan emptied his bookbag and sat down at his little table. He really hadn’t been lying when he’d told Erik he needed to study, and he spent the next few hours reading over his notes, the notes he’d asked a fellow student for, and some of the test preparation materials.

He didn’t stop until well after midnight, which is when he took out his phone to charge. There were three texts from Erik, one of which caused his face to infuse with heat and Nathan almost dropped the phone.

Erik : Thank you for letting me know you’re home.

Erik : I hope you ate something!

Erik : All I can think about is how sexy you looked covered in my cum last night.

Nathan figured Erik was already asleep and didn’t respond to them. He’d answer him in the morning. Of course, that is when the reality of sleeping without Erik set in. He had gone two nights without his usual nightmares about his parents and the accident. Would he be able to make it through tonight without one? He closed his books, put everything in his backpack, and went to get ready for bed. The covers were cold on his skin when he slipped beneath them, and he shivered. He turned off the light and lay there, trying to will himself asleep.

The silence was deafening. There was no breathing next to him, no heat transferring to him from Erik’s broader, larger form. He rolled onto his stomach and buried his head in the pillows. But that only lasted for a few minutes. He moved to his side, then his back again. Sleep evaded him, and Nathan sat up. Insomnia had been his best friend for the last several years. This was nothing new to him, yet it ticked him off. In less than two weeks, Erik had changed everything. He’d given Nathan hope, something he hadn’t had in a long time. Not since his parents’ deaths.

Sleeping alone, Nathan had known what to expect. He’d grown accustomed to it. Now, he’d glimpsed the other side of the curtain. Could he ever be happy on this side again? What if Erik found out about his gift and thought he was insane? Would he survive having the feelings Erik evoked these last couple of weeks yanked away? Nathan got off the bed and started pacing, muttering under his breath. These insecurities and emotions were why he hadn’t wanted to believe he had a happy future. Because it would hurt like hell to lose it a second time.

He eventually wore himself out and collapsed on the bed, only to stare at the ceiling until the light of day crept in around the curtains. The alarm went off not long after and he dragged himself into the shower, dressed, and made a pot of coffee. He drank half before he had to meet Troy outside.

“Man, you look like shit warmed over,” Troy said, raising a brow at Nathan. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Nathan shook his head.

“Was he bugging you again?”

“No. Just couldn’t sleep.”

“Hmm.” Once they were in the car, Troy asked, “You still planning on taking this afternoon off to help Alan?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to tell Stuart?”

Shrugging, Nathan said, “Probably that I’m sick.”

Troy glanced over at him with a raised brow. “You went to work with the flu last year. You really think he’s going to believe that?”

Nathan shrugged. “He has no choice. He won’t fire me because he knows he can’t replace me that easily.”

The conversation changed over to classes and the midterms they were facing. When they reached the school, they separated and headed to their respective classes. Nathan forced himself to concentrate on the lectures by his professors, taking notes of anything pertinent. He would need to study hard for the next few days to pass the exams. Nathan hadn’t joined any of the study groups the others in class had formed. Work kept him way too busy during the hours they usually met. He’d trudged through the first three and a half years by himself instead.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Nathan waited until after class to see who’d texted him. A new message from Erik was waiting for him, reminding him that he’d forgotten to text Erik back before classes.

Erik : Good morning. Did you get a lot of studying done?

Nathan : I did. Sorry for not texting back earlier.

Erik : Did I upset you?

Nathan : What do you mean?

Erik : With the last text, did it bother you?

Cheeks heating with embarrassment at the remembrance of the text, Nathan ducked his head, trying to keep his face hidden.

Nathan : No.

Erik : I’m glad. I miss you.

Nathan’s heart tripped a beat in his chest.

Nathan : I miss you, too.

Erik : When can I see you again?

He hesitated. He really needed to spend more time studying this week. Plus, he had Alan to deal with.

Nathan : A couple of my midterms are Friday. I need as much time as I can to study.

Erik : What about dinner? You need to eat and then I’ll go home… alone.

Nathan grinned and shook his head. The idea of Erik wanting to see him so badly sent warm tendrils trickling through his chest and down to his belly. Maybe he could do dinner.

Nathan : Dinner is good.

Erik : Can’t wait. I’ll pick you up from work.

Panic set in. Erik would know he’d bailed on work and would want to know why.

Nathan : I’m calling out tonight so I can study after classes. I can meet you somewhere.

Erik : Nonsense. I’ll pick you up at your apartment then. Does 7 p.m. work?

Nathan : Yea.

Erik : 7 it is. I’ll see you then. Can’t wait to see you.

Instead of responding, Nathan stuffed his phone back into his pocket and walked as quickly as his bad leg would allow him to his next class. A minor headache pounded at the back of his skull by the time he exited his last class and made it to the front of campus. He called Stuart and gave him a story about having a migraine and not being able to make it in that afternoon. Then he spotted Alan standing near a tree close by. When he reached Alan, he stopped and bent down to pretend he was tying his shoe. “Any ideas where we should start?”

Alan seemed paler than usual, and Nathan frowned when he straightened. His cheeks looked a little hollower, and the bright energy he’d given off at first had dimmed. Forgetting his attempt to hide talking to thin air, he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Define okay,” Alan said. “I’m dead, in case you forgot.”

Nathan winced. “That’s not what I meant. You seem… different.”

Alan gave a listless shrug and replied, “Doesn’t matter.”

To Nathan, it mattered. He wondered if Alan choosing to give up had caused his energy to fade slightly. Maybe a spirit losing hope of ever finishing whatever kept them earthbound was why some of them seemed so malevolent. He couldn’t let Alan become one of those. “We’ll figure it out, Alan. I promise. Once we do, I’ll tell Erik. No matter what. I swear it.”

Alan eyed him, obvious skepticism on his face. “You promised you’d tell Erik I’m here but still haven’t. How will this be any different?”

“Because I’ll know what I need to tell him. I will tell him, Alan. You have my word.”

Some of the energy around Alan brightened and Nathan knew he’d keep his promise. Somehow. “Now, where do we go?”

Nathan realized he’d been talking to Alan in front of people again. When he glanced around, several students were giving him a concerned or frightened look. “Shit,” he swore under his breath.

Alan waved his hand at Nathan. “Forget them. You’ll never see them again after college.”

“Easy for you to say,” Nathan muttered. He pulled out his cell phone and put it to his ear. “I should have thought of this sooner.”

“Great idea!”

“Thanks. Ideas about where to start?”

Alan frowned. “Well, I obviously have no reminders here on campus. I’ve been all over and haven’t had a single memory. I still think I need to go home.”

Nathan shook his head. “We can’t go to Erik’s. Not yet. Let’s try something else. What other places did you go to often?”

“There’s a coffee shop around the corner from here. I used to go there and write my blog posts. Erik’s office, of course.”

Nathan grimaced at the mention of Erik’s office. He’d have to come up with an excuse to go there. “Anywhere else?”

“There’s a park by our home I used to go to all the time, too. And my old apartment is about three blocks from here. Maybe we could try there.”

He nodded. “Sounds good. Let’s start with the coffee shop first.”

Alan smiled. “Thanks, Nathan. I really appreciate this.”

“Don’t mention it.” Nathan didn’t put the phone away, just in case. He walked with Alan to the coffee shop. He hadn’t even known this place was here. Practically every student from campus was waiting in line. The smell of freshly brewed coffee hit Nathan, and his stomach growled. He hadn’t eaten anything since the night before. Bringing his phone to his ear again, he said to Alan, “Look around. See if anything jogs your memory. I’m going to grab some coffee and a pastry.”

Even though the line seemed longer than a Black Friday sale line, the servers were fast and efficient. Maybe fifteen minutes had passed before Nathan found himself close to the front of the line. Alan came back to his side and shook his head. “Nothing. Everything looks familiar, but I don’t get any sense of dread like when I think of Erik.”

It was his turn to order, so Nathan waited to respond until after he’d ordered, gotten his coffee and the pastry, and they were back on the sidewalk. He held the phone to his ear again. “Your old apartment next?”

“Okay.” Alan led the way this time since he knew the area better than Nathan. Meanwhile, Nathan sipped at his coffee and ate his pastry. The closer to the apartment they got, the more Alan’s energy seemed to grow brighter. Maybe they were onto something. But when they reached the building, Alan floated there, eyeing the front. “Let’s go inside,” he said.

“There’s no way to go into your apartment!” Nathan protested.

Alan shook his head. “No, I mean into the lobby. Maybe that’ll help.”

Sighing, Nathan opened the front door and followed Alan inside. The lobby had muted red clay tile flooring, some plants scattered around the small area, and there was a line of mailboxes to the left. An elevator was toward the back of the lobby. Nathan wondered how much the rent was for a place like this. His own was a little over a grand a month with utilities. This one had to be at least double what he paid for his shabby apartment. He almost felt out of place.

Alan wandered around the area and stopped near the elevator. He looked at Nathan. “We need to go up.”

Nathan hurried forward, shaking his head. “No. We can’t. You’re going to get me arrested for loitering or something.”

“Come on. No one’s here. Please, Nathan?” Alan put on a puppy dog face. One Nathan found hard to ignore.

“Damn it, Alan,” Nathan growled while punching the button. “If I get arrested, you’re so dead.”

“Would you relax?” Alan said. “You’re not going to get arrested. It’s not like this place has security roaming the halls or anything.”

“What floor?” Nathan asked when they boarded the elevator.

“Fourth.”

He stabbed the number four and watched with trepidation while the doors closed. Within thirty seconds, the doors opened to the fourth floor. The usual ugly carpeting lined the hallway outside of the apartments, softening Nathan’s footsteps. “Which apartment?”

“412.”

Nathan begrudgingly followed Alan down the hall and around the corner. He could hear televisions and a radio from two units. A door opening caused Nathan’s heart to jump into his throat. “Can we hurry?” he whispered to Alan.

They stopped in front of the apartment. “Aren’t you able to go through the walls?” Nathan asked. “See if you can go in.”

Alan gave Nathan an irritated glance. “Jesus, Nathan. You’re strung tighter than a well-tuned guitar. Just give me a minute here.”

He wanted to snap back at Alan, but he bit his tongue and leaned against the wall. “Just hurry.”

Alan ignored him and then disappeared into the apartment. Nathan kept nervously glancing around, watching for anyone coming. Alan wasn’t gone for long. When he returned to Nathan’s side, he said, “Nothing. The person who has it now redecorated in tacky colors and furniture.” He visibly shuddered. “Who would mix olive green with neon orange?”

“Let’s get out of here.” Nathan beat feet down the hallway back to the elevator. He breathed a sigh of relief as soon as they were out on the sidewalk. The minor headache he’d had when he’d left his last class increased in tempo. “You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

Alan snorted and rolled his eyes. “Has anyone ever told you how dramatic you are? You really need to remove that stick from your ass sometimes and relax.”

“Hey! I’m trying to help you, but I don’t need to get arrested and have to try and explain this shit to the cops!”

“You won’t get arrested just for walking around the building. Now calm the hell down.”

Nathan glared at Alan while keeping his mouth shut this time.

“Good boy,” Alan said, smiling.

Growling, Nathan swiped at Alan, which of course was ineffective, since his hand went right through the other man. “I swear to God, I’m done with this shit once you’ve moved on.”

Alan pouted at him, eyes twinkling with mirth. “I thought we were friends.”

“Friends?” Nathan asked, flabbergasted. “You’ve literally turned my life upside down these last two weeks. Almost caused me to kill myself. Threatened me. Got me kicked out of class. Even got people looking at me like I’m insane. You think we’re friends?”

“You know, you’re cute when you’re angry,” Alan teased. “I can see why Erik likes you.”

He let out a frustrated cry and turned to walk away from Alan. “Every time I talk myself into this shit and every damn time, I regret it. Come on, let’s go to this stupid park.”

Alan chuckled the entire way to the bus stop. Nathan grumbled under his breath the entire time. They had to hop a couple of buses and walk quite a bit to get to Erik’s neighborhood. Nathan prayed Erik didn’t drive by and see him. The man would think he was stalking him or something. He had no clue what he would say if Erik saw him.

Thankfully, they made it to the park without incident and he sat on a bench under a tree while Alan wandered around. Nathan watched Alan become more and more frustrated and disappointed until he came back to Nathan’s side. “Damn it! I don’t understand! Why can’t I think of whatever it is I need to tell Erik?” Alan kicked at the nearby garbage can. Only, his foot went right through it. “And I can’t even hit something! Gah!”

Nathan saw Alan’s energy changing from a golden tone to a darker reddish color. “We’ll figure it out, Alan.”

“How? I can’t remember. Nothing seems to help!”

An idea came to Nathan. “What if… well… What if we went to where you had the accident? Maybe that would loosen something?”

“Maybe. But how are we going to get there? You don’t drive, and it’s not like we can walk there. It isn’t exactly around the corner.”

Nathan took out his phone, dialed Troy’s number, and hit the Call button.

“Nate, what’s up?” Troy answered. “You okay? Did he remember anything?”

“I’m fine. No. Not yet. I was wondering if you could come get us.” Nathan explained what they needed, and Troy agreed. He gave Troy the name of the park where they were.

“I should be there in twenty,” Troy said, then disconnected the call.

Nathan remained where he was, watching the few others in the park. Alan kept hoping for something to spark a memory and continued to wander around while they waited. Nathan couldn’t stop the thoughts that flooded him. Were his parents out there somewhere? Waiting for him to help them move on? Or were they already at peace and wherever it was spirits went to? He’d gone back to the accident site more than once, hoping and praying his parents’ spirits were there, but they never appeared. Every night for months on end, he’d reached out to whatever god or overlord there was watching over them to beg him for a chance to see them. Just one more time. The overlord never answered.

Before he could get too bogged down in the depressing memories and thoughts of his parents for the billionth time, he saw Troy’s car enter the parking lot. “Alan,” Nathan called and stood from the bench.

Alan followed him toward the car. Troy had already exited and leaned against the side of the car. “He’s here?”

Nathan grunted. “Wouldn’t make much sense for us to go there without him.”

“Can he even ride in a car?” Troy asked, skepticism shining clearly in his voice.

“We rode the bus here,” Nathan pointed out while opening the passenger-side front door.

Alan floated into the back seat behind him. Nathan nodded to Troy, who got into the driver’s seat. A few minutes later, they were on the road and headed toward the curve where Alan’s car had crashed.

“Do you really think this will help?” Alan asked.

Nathan could feel his own emotions darkening as depression set in. They were stuck in proximity, so he tried to fight it. It weighed on his chest like an elephant stood there. “It’s worth a shot. I’m out of ideas otherwise.”

Alan didn’t say anything else during the drive. Nathan’s emotions ranged from depression to hope to despair, and he couldn’t discern whether any of it was his own or all Alan’s. He couldn’t contain a sigh of relief when Troy pulled the car to the side of the road. The city had repaired the guardrail and there was no trace of an accident. Two years was a long time for any evidence to remain undisturbed.

Nathan got out of the car and walked over toward the barrier. Alan trailed behind him, an icy presence at his back every step of the way. He just let Alan look over the area, but when he saw the frustration on Alan’s face, Nathan wanted to groan. “Nothing?”

A cry of defeat left Alan, and he kicked at the barrier, even knowing his foot would only go through it. “Damn it!”

To avoid absorbing any more of Alan’s emotions, Nathan stepped back several paces without thinking. The loud blaring of someone leaning on their horn caused him to jump back to the side of the road. A black SUV went roaring by and Nathan froze. Horror and fear crashed over him. He snapped his gaze to Alan to see the man staring after the SUV in abject terror. “It wasn’t an accident,” Alan whispered, his form shimmering for a split second. “Someone deliberately ran me off the road.”