Chapter 11
“You ready for this?” Nathan asks as we get out of the car and head up the walk to the front door.
“Ready to watch Bambi for the millionth time? Sure.”
“No. ” Nathan looks at me pointedly. “You can’t keep this a secret, Rosie.”
“Just a little longer,” I promise. I’m not ready to talk about my tumor or the surgery.
Tonight is the first night I’m hanging out with Tucker since our kiss.
And even though Nathan is my twin, I still haven’t told anyone about the kiss.
I guess I’m just in a secret-keeping mood.
I’m trying to process everything, and I’m not ready to share my heart.
Plus, I’m not sure how to act tonight. Do I sit by Tucker?
Will he hold my hand? Do I want him to? I do want him to.
I just want to be us for a little longer, without me being the girl who has cancer again.
It’s easier this way—people can’t treat me differently if they don’t know.
Nathan shakes his head and knocks on the door. It swings open almost immediately, revealing Kenny, one of Grace’s younger brothers.
“Oh, it’s just you two,” he groans, and then runs back down the hallway .
“Hey, I thought you liked us.” Nathan steps into the house as Micah, Grace’s other brother, comes running down the hall.
“It wasn’t the pizza,” Kenny says, and Micah’s face falls, too.
“You made us excited.”
“Sorry,” we say at the same time.
“Everyone is downstairs,” Micah says and heads back down the hall, head hanging low.
“That kid sure loves pizza,” my brother says as he slips off his shoes. I nod and follow him down to the basement, which already smells like popcorn. Grace is sitting on the couch in the dim room, the light of her phone making her face bright.
“Hey,” I say. She grins up at me. Nathan plops onto the couch next to her, pulling her phone from her hands.
“Hey! I was looking at that, but I am happy you’re here.” She tries to reach for her phone, but Nathan tosses it onto the beanbag. Our movie nights are supposed to be phone-free—a decision she made without the rest of us—yet she’s the one who ignores the rule most of the time.
“Tucker will probably be down in a minute,” she says, just as I hear him come down the stairs. I turn to face him for the first time since I ran out of his dressing room last week. I mean, yes, I have seen him at school. But this is different and we both know it.
“Hi.” I pull on the hem of my shirt, unsure of what to do with my hands.
“Hi.” Tucker stares at me, then glances in Nathan’s direction. “Hey.”
“Hello,” Nathan says, looking between the two of us, confusion all over his face.
Grace jumps up and appears by my side. “Is this a Jess and Rory moment?” My cheeks turn pink.
“A what?” Tucker asks, looking more confused than Nathan.
“Tucker kissed me on Saturday,” I blurt and all three pairs of eyes turn toward me. “And Shawn told me he didn’t want to date.”
Grace’s eyes go wide. “Before or after the kiss? ”
“Before.”
“And the two of you kissed?” She gestures between me and Tucker and I still feel his eyes on me, but I can’t bring myself to look at him yet. I’m hot all over. This wasn’t how I thought tonight would go.
“Yes,” I say, sounding much calmer than I actually feel.
“So this is a Jess and Rory moment!” Grace jumps up and down a little as she says it, as if she’s been hoping for this to happen.
“I guess so,” I tell her.
“Um,” Tucker says. “What does that even mean?”
Grace rolls her eyes. “He’ll never know about our other true love.” Then to Tucker, she says, “If you know, you know.” He kind of shrugs, still waiting for her to explain. It’s kind of cute that he doesn’t get her Gilmore Girls reference. But if she’s not going to explain, then neither am I.
“Wait,” I say, because she said our other true love. “What is our first love?”
“Dance for you, Disney for me,” she says. “Now I’m going to sit, because standing here in this circle is kind of weird.”
“And me,” Tucker says suddenly, and we all look at him. Grace raises her eyebrows and even though this moment feels like it shouldn’t be funny, I almost start laughing. What is he talking about?
“And you what?” Nathan asks and I let out a giggle. Grace’s cheek twitches.
“I’m one of your true loves.” Tucker says it confidently, his eyes not leaving mine, and I know my cheeks are red.
“Um, no,” Grace says, grabbing my hand and pulling me to follow her onto the couch. “You probably don’t even make the top five… the ocean has to fit in there somewhere.”
I nod in agreement. “But you, um, do make the list…” Did I just say that out loud?
“I’ll just sing for you again.” He winks. “That seems to do something to ya.” Without another word, he sits next to me, our arms and legs touching, but he doesn’t reach for my hand.
“Oo, he’s good,” Grace says.
“Of course I am. I’m Tucker Bensen and everyone falls in love with me,” he says sarcastically. Nathan smacks him with a pillow and we all laugh.
After Bambi is done, we head upstairs to see if there is any pizza left. Grace tells Nathan she has an outfit that she wants his opinion on and they head off in the direction of her bedroom.
“So,” I say, looking at Tucker, who’s already watching me.
So,” he says back. He’s leaning against the counter and there’s a part of me that wants to move closer and kiss him, but my body seems to be rooted to the spot.
“I have something to show you,” he says suddenly, grabbing my hand and pulling me through the house and to his makeshift bedroom.
I think it was technically an old storage space, since there isn’t a window.
His bed has been shoved into the corner, and on the opposite end of the room is a large dresser.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been in your room before,” I say as I take it all in. Even though it’s cramped, it’s tidy.
“Uh, yeah.” He runs a hand through his hair, then motions to the bed. “Sit, please.”
“Oh-kay,” I say slowly. I sit on his bed and lean against his pillows, which smell like him—pine and spearmint. I close my eyes and inhale again.
My heart speeds up as I open my eyes. He is leaning down to open his guitar case. There’s a crash from somewhere in the house and then somewhat muffled voices of Micah and Kenny yelling at each other.
He closes the door so it’s only opened a crack. “Never a dull moment here,” he says sheepishly and runs a hand through his hair again, like he’s nervous.
“I like it,” I say honestly, because I do love it here. Even with dance, I spent so much of my childhood here. “My house is far too quiet all the time.”
“Yeah, I don’t really remember quiet. Someone is always making noise here.” He sits on the edge of his bed, across from me, and pulls his guitar into his lap.
“How do you even think?” I ask as there’s another thud from somewhere above us, this time followed by laughter. “How do you write songs?”
“No idea.” Tucker smiles. “I think I just got used to it.” He’s been living in this cramped room for over two years. “And I use noise-cancelling headphones,” he adds with a laugh.
“It’s kinda comforting, ya know, knowing you’re not ever alone.”
“Sometimes.” He laughs. “Sometimes being alone is needed.”
“Well, you’re always welcome at my house. Of course, my mom might kill you, but you’re still welcome, from me anyway.”
“Thanks,” he says, strumming his guitar and then tuning it. “Now, I’m going to sing before I chicken out.”
I nod, not trusting my voice. The words are on the tip of my tongue and I know that Nathan is right; I have to tell him that my cancer is back. I should tell him before he sings, but selfishly, I don’t want to ruin this moment.
“I’ve never had a girl on my bed before, or in my room,” he says as his hand hovers over the strings.
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I’ve never been on a guy’s bed before,” I say.
His cheeks go dark. We’re watching each other now; this is part of the dance.
I just want him to come out and say how he actually feels, instead of all this skirting around.
Even with our kiss, we haven’t actually talked about how we feel.
I know he likes me—from what he’s said in the past—but I want him to actually say it again, so I can tell him I feel the same way .
Instead of sharing his feelings he says, “Well, I guess that makes me one lucky guy.” His eyes never leave mine. “I’m really going to sing now, because I’ve always been able to express myself better with music. This is another cover, the song I’ve been writing isn’t quite ready.”
I nod again, still not sure what to say. I want to ask what it means—why he’s writing me a song—and I’ve already heard him sing and I know I love his voice. But this time, it’s a show just for me.
He closes his eyes and starts to play, and it’s a song I know I’ve never heard before. I watch as his face relaxes as he loses himself in the music, just like I do when I’m dancing.
Then he starts singing.
I’m a puddle by the time he’s done.
Mush.
Fallen.
Fell.
Hard.
For him. His voice. His face. Everything.
I might even be in love.
I’m smiling and I’m crying.
He finally opens his eyes, and he takes me in when he sees my tears. I’m in his arms in an instant.
“I loved it,” I say, my tears falling silently onto his shirt.
“I, um”—he clears his throat—“I didn’t expect you to cry.”
“That’s not why I’m crying,” I tell him, leaning back. He brushes away a tear with his thumb.
“Why then?”
“Why did you choose that song?” I ask instead.
“Because it makes me think of you,” he says, his brow furrowed in confusion.
“Why?” I ask. I know the answer; deep down, I really do. But I need him to say it. He needs to actually say it. He needs to say it before I tell him .
Please say it. I’m having a hard time breathing.
“I like you, Rosie, I like you a lot. You have to know that.”
“I think I like you, too,” I say honestly and he laughs a little. My heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces.
“You think? I feel like this is a flashback to the first time I told you I liked you, all those years ago.” He’s smiling, though, as we both remember the moment.
I nod. “Well, okay, maybe more than think. I know. I like you, too.”
He grins and gives me a hug, even though I’m already in his arms.
“So why were you crying?” he asks, and I’m not brave. I can’t say the words. Because saying them out loud makes it too real, and I’m not ready for that yet. I was able to say the words to Lucy, but she was a stranger. This is Tucker.
“Um, right,” I say, my mind is whirling, trying to come up with a good enough excuse. “I’m just sad that here we are talking about how we feel and I’ll be going to Paris in the fall. But, I mean, that’s silly to even assume we’d be together that long…”
He shifts, moving me closer to him and cutting me off. His eyes drop down to my lips, which I lick nervously. His eyes go dark.
I have cancer.
I have cancer.
I have cancer! It’s back and I have to have surgery soon. That’s what I want to scream and shout and tell him, but instead, I lean forward so he can kiss me.
It will be the first time that I’m actually ready for it. And boy, am I ready for it.
The door bangs open and I fly back. “There you two are, ready for another movie?” Grace asks and she’s got a grin on her face.
“We’ll be down in a second.” He sighs, never taking his eyes off me.
“Now, please? You can make out later,” she says. I know my cheeks are red as I stand. Tucker gets up, too, and holds my hand.
“Later?” he asks.
“Later,” I promise, praying harder than I ever have to a God I’m not sure I believe in that we get a lot more laters and trying to ingrain every moment of tonight in my mind so I can write about it in my journal later.
I started writing in my journal actively the first time I had cancer.
Doctor Barker said it would help me feel a bit better if I could get some of my thoughts out on paper, but even when the cancer was gone, I didn’t stop writing.
It’s messy and imperfect, but I guess in a way it helps me make sense of everything.
Even if it’s the only place I’ve really been truthful about my feelings for the past several years.