Journal Entries from Junior Year
Dear Journal,
So. What’s happened since I last wrote?
Grace and Leo broke up (again), and she thought it was the end of her fairy tale romance, that she’d never get a chance at love again.
I binge-watched every Pixar movie with her three times.
There were lots of tears (those movies are sad) and lots of ice cream.
Then, one day Grace shows up at my door with the news that Leo asked her to prom AND to be his girlfriend again.
So they're together again, and stronger than ever?
She keeps asking me if she seems happier than when she was with him before, and I guess she seems happier.
She just seems a little obsessed with love, if you ask me.
Then there’s Tucker, who seems to be just as obsessed with love and romance as Grace is.
Just. Not with me.
Idk why that hurts so much to write. We both decided that we’re really good as friends, that we shouldn’t date.
(Plus, there’s the fact that my mom would probably kill both of us…) but.
It still really hurt when he told us he was going out with Amber Monroe, Missy Esplin’s best friend (aka the girl who’s been mean to me forever—Missy, not Amber).
They make a pretty cute couple, but it still sucks every time I see them together, even though I pretend it doesn’t.
Cause I’m not supposed to like him, remember?
I even got to the point where I told him I don’t.
And I guess I don’t, but kind of do? I’m not really sure what my feelings are at this point.
He’s my very best friend and I’d die without him in my life.
He’s been gone most of the summer, performing at state fairs and carnivals and things, but every time he’s in town he hangs out with Amber (which is fair, she’s his girlfriend) and she’s always posting photos of them together.
He hasn’t ever posted one of them though, so it probably makes me a bad person, but that kind of makes me secretly a little happy, since the last picture he posted on Instagram was of me (well, and Grace and Nathan) but still not of him and his girlfriend.
Grace told me that he told her that Amber said I love you to him a few weeks ago, but that he didn’t say it back.
Idk what that means either. He seems like the type of guy who would say that to a girl he was dating, since he’s all about happily ever afters and stuff (seriously, he’s just like Grace in that way).
But I wonder why he hasn’t said it. I can’t ask him, cause that would make me… come off as, idk what… but I can’t ask him.
I’m not sure how ready I am to see them at school together all the time. They’ve only been together over the summer. Will she eat lunch with us? Or hang out with us? She doesn’t really hang with us now, but could that change???
All these questions and feelings are so dumb.
August 30
Dear Journal,
Tucker and Amber broke up.
I feel guilty for how happy that makes me. I’m truly a terrible person. I won’t be with him, but I don’t want him to be with anyone else…
September 14
Dear Journal,
Everything is back to normal (well, friendship normal) and I’m glad. Tucker was never really gone (I mean, he was when he was singing in different places around the state) but I feel like I got my best friend back.
October 31
Dear Journal,
I came to school dressed up as Catwoman (Grace’s idea for all of us to go as superheroes) and Tucker came as Batman. I am 110% sure that she did this on purpose.
Later, at the beach party Grace hosted, she said we looked like a cute couple with a cute couples costume.
Tucker’s face went so red. I’m sure mine did, too.
Neither of us said anything about her comment. We just kind of ignored it and then went down to the beach when her party was over to listen to the waves at midnight.
January 11
Dear Journal,
I officially have less than a year until my Paris audition. But… that’s not what I want to write about.
I’m not sure my heart will be able to take it. Whenever Tucker smiles at me, or even just glances in my direction, my heart skips a beat.
I will not let him be a distraction.
I will not let him be a distraction.
I will not let him be a distraction.
I do wonder what he kisses like, though.
No.
I will not let him be a distraction.
End of story.
April 3
Dear Journal,
Tucker asked Amber to prom when I told him I wasn’t interested in going.
Why why why why why?
July 4
Dear Journal,
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. Okay, before I freak out, let me back up a little bit.
I haven’t written in this journal in a few months.
Our spring concert was AMAZING and I’ve just been dancing or working at the studio most of the summer.
And going to Disneyland every now and then with Grace when she goes (okay, not every time she goes, because she’s been going almost every day lately).
Today marks the end of summer for me. On Monday, I’ll fly with Mom and Dad to Paris for my six-week intensive. I am SOOOO excited!
I wasn’t thinking about that at all today. Today deserved my full attention. Grace, who loves this day and our traditions almost as much as I do, wore a red jumpsuit with a blue belt, and all white accessories.
Today is the Fourth of July. My all-time favorite holiday.
It’s not even my favorite because it’s Independence Day (because let’s be real here…
sometimes this country isn’t worth celebrating.) It’s my favorite because we’ve been doing the same things with my family every single year since I was born and that’s what makes it special. I LOVE traditions.
The lame parade that we watch every year. The hours of food and picnicking at Grace’s house. How we almost always end up soaking wet in our clothes because we jump in the ocean when we get too hot, and we never bring swimsuits.
And of course, ending the night on the pier or the beach, watching the fireworks.
This year was no different.
I got up early to get ready. Nathan helped me braid red ribbon into my hair and I wore my new blue and white dress that Mom got me a few weeks ago with my red shoes. What? I like being festive even when I don’t really feel festive.
The parade went off as usual. There was a kid next to us that was so sad every time a float went by. I think she didn’t understand that we don’t get to be in the parade, just watch.
My parents prepped their portion of the picnic (watermelon and a pasta salad) before we headed over to Grace’s for the bbq .
Tucker just smiled and shook his head when he saw us, but he did wear a red shirt (I think Grace made him).
As always, Erin threw the best party. There was so much food to eat and all the little kids were playing and running around. Pretty much everyone on the street stopped by at some point. Even Tucker’s mom was in town visiting. She’s really nice.
Yesterday, I told Grace that I have feelings for Tucker. She did her usual squeal when I told her, but I told her that I was just getting it out of my system, that I really need to focus on ballet until January, and after that I can do a little less, but I really need to train for my audition.
She said I was being dumb, because it was ‘obvious how he feels’ but I just told her not to say anything. He dated Amber off and on all last school year, so I don’t know how ‘obvious’ it really is about how he feels about me. He hasn’t told me that he likes me since that first time.
She didn’t tell him, but she kept making these faces at me that I KNOW he could see…
like kissy faces and wiggling (waggling?) her eyebrows whenever I was by Tucker.
Which was a lot since we’re friends… thankfully, he didn’t ask about her weird looks or even mention it; probably because he’s used to all of her weird antics.
The afternoon is all kind of a blur to me, even though it was just a few hours ago.
We ended up in the ocean at some point, just like always.
Nathan was telling dumb dad jokes while we sat on the beach in the sun, but we were all dying of laughter because even though they were dumb, they were still funny.
Then it was time for the firework show. We headed to the beach, just off the pier, with blankets in hand just like we always do.
I ended up sitting right next to Tucker on the small blanket that Grace had grabbed for the four of us. Him, me, Nathan, and Grace. Nathan and Grace were in their own little world, talking about college, Disney, and who knows what else.
Tucker bumped his leg with mine (!!!!) and he said “Cozy, eh?” I know I blushed, but thankfully it was dark, so I don’t think he noticed.
“Very,” I said.
THEN he said,“But, it gives me an excuse to touch you.” And he just left his leg by mine the rest of the night.
When the firework show started, his fingers brushed mine (!!!!) and I started to wonder what it’d really be like to hold his hand.
THEN. THEN. Oh my gosh THEN he whispered, “I’ve got a secret.” So I turned to look at him. His face was blue and red, reflecting the light of the fireworks. He was looking at me like he never had before.
AND THEN HE KISSED ME!!!
It was over so fast.
(Does that make me sound needy?)
But one second his lips were on mine, and the next it was just a memory; the faint smell of his mint gum still lingering in the air. When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me, and I said, “That was a good secret.”
And then he just smiled and looked back at the fireworks!
We didn’t talk about it. He didn’t even hug me goodnight when we left… he just kissed me and then went on as if life was just normal and that kissing each other was a regular part of our days!
I want him to kiss me again.
No. I want to ask him what the kiss meant.
No. I need to tell him that nothing can happen. Not until after my audition.
Gosh I’m going to remember this kiss forever.
Why did he have to kiss me now? Why did it have to be so perfect (even if it was short?) Why couldn’t he have waited?
What if this messes everything up?