Journal Entries - Present Day （March - April）
Dear Journal,
My tumor is gone—my last blood test came back clear. Which is a great thing, but I still feel so… confused, and so lost.
For the past ten years of my life, my number one goal was to become the best ballerina I could (and possibly the best in the world.) It’s all I talked about with Mom, it’s all I talked about with anyone.
Getting into Paris was the next step in my big dream, because once I got into the dance academy there, I was all set for my future.
Dance for several years, tour with some big companies if I wanted to, then retire young.
But now I’m not so sure if that’s what I want. Or maybe I’m just feeling guilty that I have these big dreams that are actually falling into place, when my friends aren’t having that experience.
Obviously, I’m not talking about Tucker. He’ll be famous before anyone; people already know his name.
Yesterday, Grace was over at my house and we were painting our nails.
She didn’t get into the college she wanted, which means she’s going to start at the community college instead because she didn’t apply to any backups.
She really wants to work at Disneyland, but she isn’t sure she’ll be able to do that now that her new school will be almost an hour away from the park.
I was/am devastated for her, but almost as soon as she told me about everything that was going on, she said, “But I’ll figure it out,” and then started telling me (finally) how things with her and Nathan developed.
The way she explains it was that it just kind of happened. That one day they were friends and the next one of them was flirty, and it all kind of snowballed from there.
I didn’t ask about Nathan’s sexuality; he and I have talked about that a little.
Basically, he said that being bisexual fits him the most, since he’s attracted to guys and girls.
When I asked him how long he’s known this, he said basically forever.
Even if Grace is the first girl he’s ever dated.
I’m just glad we were finally able to talk about it.
I’ve been on quite a few dates with Tucker, and yet… I don’t think I’ve ever told Grace about them. Maybe because most of the time he’s with us, so it would feel weird.
But I feel like it’s something different.
I keep thinking about all the conversations I’ve had with Grace and Lucy over the past year, and now I’m second-guessing myself.
Is dance really not the most important thing in my life?
I mean, I still love my family and I really care about Tucker, but dance is what gives me life, so why is everyone (okay, well, not everyone, but it sure feels like it) saying that there are more important things than dance?
I just don’t know anymore. How can something I love be the ‘wrong thing’ to focus on?
Love, Rosie
March 7
Dear Journal,
Today I had to go to the hospital because my scar from where they cut me open was really hurting, and Doctor Barker just wanted to make sure everything looked okay.
Apparently, this is normal and I’m just a wimp when it comes to pain, which, when she implied that, made me want to laugh, because I dance until my toes are bleeding and I would keep going if it weren’t for the people who make me stop. I’d dance forever if I could, even if it made my feet fall off.
Okay. That was kind of a gross image, but really. I’m a wimp when it comes to pain. Doctor Barker didn’t actually say that, but that’s what it felt like she was saying.
I haven’t talked to Dad or Lucy about God anymore, but I am thinking about all the things they said. I still don’t have any answers, but I don’t feel as mad about it as I did before.
Love, Rosie
March 18
Dear Journal,
I feel like not much is happening. I still haven’t been given permission to dance, which is KILLING ME.
But I go to the studio every day. I help Mom out with the little girl classes and sometimes I just sit in one of the empty practice rooms and listen to my audition piece, even though my audition is over.
Nathan is upset with me for not telling Grace about my tumor, but he pretends to be fine when we’re all together, which I’m grateful for.
If we’re alone, he rarely talks to me. I miss him, I miss talking to him.
We talked about him and her a little and he said the same thing she did, but I feel like he avoids me most of the time.
Which I really hate. I just don’t know how to tell her.
Tucker was so understanding, but I don’t think Grace will be.
She doesn’t think we have any secrets between us (even if she didn’t tell me about her and my brother) and she’ll hate me forever if she finds out I didn’t tell her about the tumor.
I spent so much time before my audition (and right after it) talking about how I couldn’t wait to just be ‘normal’ and not have anything going on. Turns out, I really don’t like it…
Love, Rosie
April 30th
Grace found out.