Chapter 29
I’ve officially been home for three days, and when I wake up, Grace shakes her head the moment I open my eyes.
“Still no word,” she says, shoulders slumped.
We’re all camped out in the family room.
Mom and Dad are watching You’ve Got Mail , Nathan is painting my toenails, and Grace sits next to me with my phone in one hand and hers in the other.
It’s officially summer break and I missed graduation. Even though I’m not dying right this second, everyone doesn’t want to be too far away from me at any given moment—not that I mind the company. This is the most time I’ve ever seen Mom take away from the studio.
But it’s obvious that someone is missing.
He’ll come back, I think to myself. I know he’ll come back . I know Tucker, and I know that he’ll be back.
I shift, moving myself into a sitting position. I’m not great, but I’m okay.
The shadows stretching across the wall tell me that the sun is about to set.
I offer Grace and Nathan a smile as I look around the room.
I guess if I’m dying, this is a good place to be, surrounded by people who I love and who love me.
Doctor Barker said it might not be like this always, that my body is still recovering from the chemo and that I will probably be able to do pretty normal things for a little while, especially if I do another round of chemo.
I’m still waiting to hear if the tumor is still the same size.
But even if it hasn’t grown, it feels close to the end.
“Hey, Dad,” I say, startling nearly everyone in the room. They go back to their activities and he makes his way over to me.
“Yes, Rosebud?” he asks, sitting down beside me.
“I think I get it now,” I tell him.
He takes my hand. “Get what, sweetheart?”
“Why things like this happen.”
“If you have that answer, I’d love to know,” he says with a smile, but I can see the pain and heartache in his eyes.
I smile at him. “Okay, so maybe I don’t know, but I think I get it. Or at least, I understand what you said. That sometimes we have to go through stuff even if it’s hard, so that we can become better.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m still not sure there’s a God or a heaven, but I hope so. I hope I’ll get to see Lucy, and then I can ask God why He gave us both cancer and why we both had to die so young.”
Dad wipes away a tear with the back of his hand, but I’m strangely not emotional.
“So maybe I don’t get it exactly, but I’d like to believe that maybe He is up there.
That maybe all of this had a reason. Like I had to learn that I wasn’t only supposed to be focused on dance.
Or maybe that dance could still matter, but that the people around me matter more.
I think Lucy said something like that the first time I met her, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t believe her… but I do now.”
“I’m glad, sweetheart,” he says, his eyes watery. “I’m sorry that Tucker hasn’t come back.”
Every time I think about Tucker, it feels like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. It’s almost always impossible to breathe when I think of him.
“He’ll come back,” I say, even though with each passing day, I don’t know if I believe it anymore. “He’ll come back.”
“I hope so,” Dad says, and we both watch the movie playing on the TV, even though I don’t think either of us are actually paying attention.
It’s a few hours later when the front door opens quietly, and everyone perks up as Tucker enters the room, followed by his mom, who I’ve only seen in pictures. If I could, I’d get up and run to him right now. Instead, he’s by my side in seconds.
He is back.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, over and over, as he takes me in his arms and pulls me onto his lap. “I’m so sorry.”
“Where were you?” I whisper. Nathan tugs on Grace’s sleeve to give us some room, and even my parents head into the kitchen, talking with Tucker’s mom.
“I was headed for Nashville.” He pulls away from me slightly, so he can look in my eyes. “I turned off my phone and just started driving.”
“You’re not your dad,” I tell him.
He nods, but he looks guilty.
“I just, I’m so sorry, Rosie.” He presses his head against mine. “I was just so overwhelmed, I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want you to die, and I freaked out, and thought that leaving might be the best option, so I ran, and then I really felt like I was my dad.”
“You can’t run,” I tell him, “when things get hard. Running is not the answer.”
He nods. “I know, and I’m so sorry.”
“What day is it?” I ask him. I’ve lost all track of time since I got home.
“First Saturday in June,” he tells me. He’s been gone for five weeks. “I made it to Utah and I decided to charge my phone. There were so many missed calls, and that’s when I noticed Mom had called about a hundred times.”
Bless his mom’s heart. “And?”
“And I ignored her. Even when she told me she was coming out to California, and I started my way back. I still wasn’t ready.” He looks down, ashamed. “I went to my grandparents’ cabin, which wasn’t the best idea, because all I could think about was you and our almost perfect night.”
“You took your guitar,” I murmur. For some reason, this is the part that stings the most. It hurts that he left, that he walked away from me, from us.
But knowing he took his guitar made it more real.
I’d hoped he would come back, but there was no guarantee, because he took the only thing he loves as much as me.
“I know,” he says, knowing exactly what that made me think and feel.
That he was going to be gone for good. “I wasn’t planning on coming back.
” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Rosie.
I’ve been working with Murphy in LA, trying to get my set ready for opening with Peyton, but that’s not going well.
And yesterday, I headed up to the cabin, and I got a text from Mom telling me she was coming.
” He cradles my face in his hands. “I didn’t want to leave.
I got scared. I wanted a new life, even if it was just for a day.
But then as the days passed, well, I realized that life isn’t life without you in it.
And even though, well,” he says all of this in a rush and then lets out a small sob, “even though I don’t get forever with you, at least we got some time. ”
I nod, because that’s exactly how I feel. If I could do life over again, I’d choose to be with him sooner, but even if I couldn’t do that, I won’t ever regret a second that I spent with him.
“I wrote you a song,” he says, then he gently sets me back on my makeshift bed and grabs his guitar from the hallway .
“I thought you said you’ve been struggling with music?” I ask, confused.
“Yeah, but the words just came the other day while I was sitting in my hotel room, and the chords came yesterday at the cabin.” He settles on the bed in front of me, his guitar in his lap.
It reminds me of the first time he played for me, all those months ago, when we were still just flirting and everything was new and happy.
He closes his eyes and starts to play. I watch his face and he looks more relaxed than when he left. Whatever happened to him on his runaway trip changed him.
Then he starts singing, and I remember all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. I close my eyes and listen to the music and the words as he sings.
They say eighteen’s too young to know
‘Bout how to feel and how to show it
But that never was a problem for me,
Like that ol’ song says, I got my eyes on you
And there ain’t nothing I’d rather do
Than be yours forever
Sometimes life don’t go as planned
Sometimes life makes you so damn mad
But I got you
Yeah I got you, I got you
For part of forever
Yeah I got you, I got you, I got you
For part of forever.
I see that old picture of us
Wondering if you’d ever know
We were meant to be, just like that
Spent the last six months lovin’ yo u
And there ain’t nothing I’d rather do
Than be yours forever
Sometimes life don’t go as planned
Sometimes life makes you so damn sad
But I got you
Yeah I got you, I got you
For part of forever
Yeah I got you, I got you, I got you
For part of forever.
We’re both quiet for a minute after he stops singing. He leans over and gently presses his lips to mine. “I know it’s not quite finished yet, but I love you, Rosie,” he says before kissing me again. “I’ll always love you.”
“I love you too,” I whisper, because talking is hard. He holds me and everyone returns from the kitchen. He adjusts so I’m leaning against him, his arms around me.
“I would have killed you if you didn’t come back.” Grace smacks one of Tucker’s arms.
“I know.” Tucker kisses my temple and pulls me closer to him. “I would have killed me, too.”
“I still might,” she threatens, and my eyes droop.
Nathan lies down with his head in my lap, and Grace holds one of my hands while Mom settles in next to Nathan. Everyone’s quiet as the last few minutes of You’ve Got Mail plays on the TV.
Tucker whispers in my ear, telling me all about the life he dreamed of for us. The life I’ll fall asleep dreaming about. I’m in and out of sleep all night.
The morning sun fills the room and I’m surrounded by all of my favorite people.
I don’t know what the day will bring, but I do know that every day after this, the sun will continue to rise.
Even when life doesn’t go as planned, it keeps on going, and most of us keep on living.
And if we’re going to live, we may as well do the things we want now, because we never know how much time we have.
We should say I love you, and chase our dreams. We should take risks, and do it now, because tomorrow might be too late.
“I love you, darlin’,” Tucker says as he presses his lips into my hair.
“Love you always,” I whisper back.