Chapter Twenty-One
It’s a story I’ve told many times before, so many times that it’s almost callused over. Sam died in a car accident.
It’s almost the truth.
The only two people who know the entire truth are me and Sam…though I suppose that leaves only me. And Henry in a few minutes.
I take a deep breath. “You really want to know?”
“Only if you want to tell me.”
“It’s melodramatic.” I squint, following the path of a cloud in the sky.
“I can take it.”
“Like soap-opera-level melodramatic.”
“I love soap operas.” He raises an eyebrow.
“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“Bennet,” he says, resting his arm on the top of the bench behind me, “if you don’t want to tell me, I’ll drop it right now and never bring it up again.”
My instinct is to guard and protect the frayed nerve of the truth deep inside my chest, and that instinct has kept me from talking about it at all, but I can’t hide it from Henry. Not sincere, straightforward, openhearted Henry.
I keep my eyes on the horizon. I can tell the truth if I don’t have to look at him.
Breathe.
“Sam was my college boyfriend. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned my best friend Andy to you, but she and I met freshman year during orientation. We ended up living in the same hall, and…I don’t know. She and I just loved each other instantly. Not like we had much in common, but we just had this soul connection right from the start. We spent all this time together, Andy and me, and one day she introduced me to her brother Sam. It was like she knew I’d love him too. In a different way…but…”
I clear my throat, rubbing at my chest.
“He played baseball, but he wasn’t like the other athletes. He was quiet, but his mind went like a mile a minute. Constant thoughts, constant theories about the world.” I smile. Sam still makes me smile after all this time. “We could keep ourselves entertained for hours, just the two of us in his apartment playing board games or watching Jeopardy! If it were up to us, we’d never leave.” I flip my gaze to Henry, who’s listening intently. I look away quickly. “I loved him so much. Too much.”
Henry lets out a puff of air.
“Like, really. Too much.”
“I believe you,” he says, his voice soft and gentle.
“When he graduated, he moved back with his parents in Jersey, not too far from here. I was still in school, so we were doing long-distance. It wasn’t ideal, but we wanted to stay together. He wanted to teach English in the city, live on the Upper West Side, and raise our kids as Yankee fans…but I didn’t know what I wanted. I was just a kid myself. I didn’t even know what my dreams were.” My throat starts to sting. I close my eyes for a moment to center myself, willing myself to be strong. “When I say that I loved him too much, I mean that I stopped thinking about me when I was with him. It wasn’t his fault or anything, but I stopped planning my future outside of him. The plan was always to graduate and move to New York together. I didn’t consider anything else. So when he graduated and I was alone for the first time since we got together, I started to freak out a bit. Graduation was coming fast, and I hadn’t made any decisions beyond what Sam wanted. I started to panic.” I curl my toes in my shoes, knowing what I have to say next. “This is the really sad part. Buckle up.”
He mimes buckling a seat belt like I did when he told me about his dad. Perfect.
“I started to apply for internships in other cities. Mostly as a test, you know? It wasn’t serious. I wasn’t going to get anything. But the more I did it, the more I wanted it. I couldn’t tell Andy because she’s Sam’s sister, so I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing. I just sort of did it. I figured it would be a sign from the universe. If I got an internship, I’d take it. If not, New York was where I would end up.”
“You got one, didn’t you?”
My eyes start to burn, but I nod and push through. “I was going to intern at a marketing agency in Chicago. It’s not like I was passionate about marketing or anything, but…but it was mine, and I wanted it. I wanted to explore, to try new things. It feels so stupid to say.”
“It’s not stupid.” His voice is even and low.
“I told him on the phone when I’d already accepted it. I wanted to keep trying long-distance, but he got so upset that I had sprung this on him. It got out of hand so fast, and suddenly we were fighting and saying awful things.” My voice cracks. “All of a sudden this person that I wanted to spend my entire life with and I were breaking up because of a choice I made. A decision I made.”
I turn to look at Henry to take in his reaction. He looks at me with an expression of sadness, but not pity.
“He, um…” My breath shakes. I pause, finding the words. Henry pauses too, following my lead through every word. “He got in his car. He didn’t tell me he was coming. I guess he wanted to talk it through in person.” I shake my head, hoping it’ll help this story get easier to tell. It won’t. “It was Saturday night in a college town, people were out drinking, and I guess Sam wasn’t paying attention and a million things went wrong and he…” The words stick there, like they’re caught in honey. I can’t. I thought I could. My hands start to shake. They do this every time I talk about him.
“It’s okay.” Henry pulls me into his chest. “It’s okay. You can stop.”
“I want to tell you,” I cry into his shirt.
“Shh.” He strokes the back of my hair, rocking me gently. “You told me. It’s okay.”
“I couldn’t look at his family. I couldn’t talk to Andy about it. The guilt was eating me alive. I don’t know why I did what I did. Why I pushed him away like that. I wish I didn’t. Every day, I wish I didn’t.”
“It wasn’t your fault. How could you have known? Bennet, please tell me you know it wasn’t your fault.”
“I’ve spent every day since then trying to convince myself of that, but the truth is if he never met me…if I didn’t try to put myself first…he’d still be…” I clear my throat. Henry tightens his grip around me. “I dropped out of school after that. Andy and I canceled the trip to Europe we were planning. I bailed on my internship. And then I moved here to honor him, to live out the life he wanted. But I’m so stuck. I never explored. I never found myself. I watched everyone around me grow up and flourish, but I stayed where I was, as close to Sam as possible. Every day I’m failing him. Every day I’m letting him down.”
Henry pulls me away from his chest and cups my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “You are not failing. You’re doing a hard thing.”
I shake my head. “I’m so scared all of the time. Of everything. Of you .”
“You moved to a new city with no backup plan. Do you have any idea how brave that is?”
“It feels terrible.”
He folds me back into his chest, tucking my head underneath his chin. “Being human is terrible.” He laughs, a shallow chuckle. The vibrations of his chest under my ear calm me down. “Listen.” He strokes my arm. “You’ve become one of my favorite people very quickly, and I know that’s scary to you, I’m not trying to scare you, but I need you to know that. You’re not letting him down. You’re not letting anyone down. It hurts me knowing how much you’re carrying. I can’t explain it, but I wish…” He taps against his sternum. “I wish I could take it from you and put it here. I wish I could make it better.”
“You are.” I pull myself closer to him, my cheek pressed to his shirt. “It’ll never be better. But with you, with the project…I feel for the first time like I’m honoring that version of me. I feel…almost normal again.”
He laughs again. “Almost?”
“Almost,” I snort. “Getting there.” I wipe a tear with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry I keep breaking down like this. I keep staining your shirts.” I poke a splotch of mascara on the front of his chest.
I’ve built up this thick wall that keeps me from feeling the pain, but it’s also kept me from feeling anything . Something inside that wall rattled loose when I met Henry, at first a slow trickle, then a stream, now a tsunami.
I don’t know if I can do it, get lost in the tidal wave of life. I could drown again. I could lose myself again. But it’s hard to be guarded with Henry. It’s hard to be closed off when he’s holding me as if he cares. Part of me wants to dive in, and part of me wants to stay safe on land.
“Looks better that way, anyway.” He smiles, rubbing at the stain with his thumb.
I feel soft, safe, seen. I lift my gaze to meet his, letting go of my tight grip on him briefly.
“Hey.” I smile.
“Hey.” His eyes are so sincere I might kiss him or vomit.
The part of me that wants to dive wins out, and, tentatively, I dip my toe in the water.
I squeeze his shirt in my fist, clearing my throat. “Andy is getting married in L.A. in September and they gave me a plus one.” He smiles down at me like he knows what’s coming. “Will you go with me?”
“Absolutely. I love weddings.”