Chapter Twenty-Two
W hat the hell did I do?
I invited my new friend whom I sometimes want to kiss to my dead ex-boyfriend’s sister’s wedding. Oh, and by the way, the dead ex-boyfriend’s sister is also my ex–best friend whom I’ve basically ghosted since his death. That’s what I did.
It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. An impulse that felt right. I didn’t think, I just spoke. Henry is incredible with people, and I thought having him there would help me through it. Because I can’t face that wedding alone. But now my mind is racing with thoughts of what this all means.
I panic as Sonya, Jamie, and I lie out on the roof.
Sonya’s neon bikini blinds me as she rubs sunscreen on Jamie’s shoulders. “So…do you like him?”
I pull my baseball cap down over my eyes. “I don’t know.”
She closes the lid on the sunscreen bottle. “Do you want him to be your boyfriend?”
I wince. “I don’t know.” I glance down at my chest, which is either breaking out in hives from the stress or burning. “Pass me the sunscreen.”
“She’s avoiding the question,” Sonya chirps as she passes the bottle to me. “You do want him to be your boyfriend.”
“Don’t pressure her, Sonya,” Jamie pipes in from behind her round black sunglasses. She rubs in a patch of sunscreen on her legs. “This drugstore sunscreen is so greasy. I feel like I jerked off a dolphin.”
“Horrendous joke, Jamie.” I do laugh, though. A little laugh.
Sonya slaps her on the shoulder. “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.” Her disapproval makes it even funnier.
I decide to take Jamie’s side. “It’s true, I feel like I fell into a vat of lube.”
Jamie chortles, lying back in her chair.
“Classy.” Sonya scowls, but I think, from the corner of my eye, I see her crack a smile. “I hate you both.”
“No, you don’t,” Jamie says.
Our laughter settles as Sonya squints at both of us. “I know I said I wanted you to be friends, but I take it back. You two are getting a bit too chummy,” she says.
“Don’t be jealous, baby,” Jamie says, grabbing Sonya’s hand. “You know I’m yours.”
“And Bennet is Henry’s,” Sonya teases. I cringe with embarrassment.
“Baby steps,” Jamie says, shushing Sonya. She turns to me. “We don’t have to talk boyfriend or anything. Let’s start small. Do you enjoy spending time with him?”
I look forward to every second with him. I scrunch my face, willing this conversation to end. “Yes. Okay? Yes. I enjoy it very much. Please don’t make a big deal out of it.”
Jamie pushes on. “Okay, that’s step one. Step two: What do you like about him?”
“He’s kind.” I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. “He’s outgoing. He’s sort of a nerd, but you wouldn’t expect it. He’s smart, he’s artistic, he’s funny, he doesn’t make me feel like I’m a mess.” I take a deep breath. I adjust my bikini bottom over my stomach. “I like his smile.”
“Awwwwwwwww!” Sonya squeals.
“Sonya, we’re not making a big deal out of this, remember?” Jamie scolds.
“Sorry. You’re right.” She slurps her iced coffee. “Carry on.”
“My favorite part about being with him…there’s this sincerity to him. It’s like it would be impossible for him to be jaded. He’s just…he’s just Henry.”
“Are you attracted to him?” Jamie asks.
I sink down farther in my chair. “I mean, I tried to make out with him at your party, Sonya.”
“Oh!” Sonya sits up. “I was right! Something was going on in that bathroom!”
“Yeah, well, not really.” I frown. “He rejected me. So this might be a pointless conversation anyway.”
Jamie shakes her head. “He was probably just worried you were drunk or something. You did spill your entire cocktail on him.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “He’s the first person since Sam that I’ve even…that I’ve…felt anything for. Even if it is confusing. I just can’t be rejected again. I think I’d evaporate.”
“You won’t evaporate,” Jamie says, reaching to my chair to squeeze my arm. “Tell him you like him. He likes you back. I promise.”
“How do you know that?”
She clears her throat and retreats to her chair. “I just…I have a feeling. Based on everything you’ve told me.”
“Okay. But say we do cross that line. What then?”
“Um…you live happily ever after?” Sonya says.
I shake my head. Happy-ever-afters and I don’t work out. “What if we’re just too different? He’s so…positive. And I’m…not.”
“Ever heard of opposites attract?” Sonya says, gesturing between herself and Jamie. “I mean, hello.”
I tilt my gaze to the sky, watching a cloud roll over the sun. “I’m afraid that…” I close my eyes. “I worry that because he has such a positive outlook, he might not be seeing me right.”
Jamie crosses her arms. “What do you mean?”
“What if he is seeing what he wants to see and not what’s right in front of him? What if I mess things up, say the wrong thing? What if I’m not ready for all of…it?” I gesture aimlessly to the air, trying to communicate to them the strange pit I feel developing in my core.
Jamie whips her sunglasses off and sits forward. “Bennet, I mean this in the absolute kindest way possible, but you need to get over yourself.”
“What?”
“It’s not some inconceivable miracle that someone might like you. I like you. Sonya likes you. It’s not out of this world that Henry might like you too. I know you think you’re some black hole of sadness and you hate your job, but having your shit together is not a prerequisite for love.”
Having your shit together is not a prerequisite for love.
Wow.
“And you clearly like him. I’m not putting pressure on you, but you invited him to a wedding across the country when you easily could’ve just brought Sonya or someone else. You need to listen to yourself here. You deserve love, Bennet. You deserve to be happy. Don’t keep punishing yourself.”
“Good lord.” My jaw hangs open at the way Jamie just laid into me. “Sonya, you have the dopest girlfriend ever.”
“I know.” She leans over and plants a kiss on Jamie’s lips.
Warmth prickles into my fingertips. “I love you guys.”
They respond almost in unison, in the sweet syrupy way that couples do. “We love you too.”
I sink back into my beach chair and slide my sunglasses up the bridge of my nose as I take in the view over our little slice of Harlem. I can see the roof of Yankee Stadium, the top of my bodega, and some taller buildings across the Bronx River. But I always find myself wishing I could be higher, wishing I could see more. If I saw everything, if I took in the whole view of this city, maybe it wouldn’t feel so big, like it’s swallowing me whole.
An idea bubbles to the surface as the sun blankets me in warmth. I know where I want to take Henry next.