Chapter 15
I talked to Alex for twenty minutes last night, but we needed to hang up so that we could get some rest. He was a diligent worker with his project, but he somehow made time to talk to me and show me attention.
He was kind and loving toward me, and quite honestly, I felt like I wanted to give all of myself to him.
I thought about the note he wrote and how he mentioned getting married. It seemed silly, but I felt that, too.
I went to bed feeling utterly in love, and somehow in my sleep that feeling turned to fear and dread. Was it my dreams? I did have bad dreams. Was it God telling me this was wrong?
I was overcome with a feeling of anxiety.
I couldn't let myself feel this much this fast.
I had gone to sleep feeling like we might live happily ever after.
I thought it was an actual possibility that I would stay here and not go back to Colorado.
I knew my niece would benefit from me being there, and then I started having feelings for Alex.
It was easy to talk myself into thinking it was all meant to be.
I had gone to bed with a euphoric feeling, like I could have a new life with him, and I woke up feeling like it had all been such a bad idea.
I even regretted being in that movie and felt like I had probably done something to embarrass myself while I was there.
I started remembering the moments when I had been awkward and forgot all about the moments with Alex.
I couldn't stay here.
What was I supposed to say to my sister?
'I found somebody, I'm in love, and I'm moving here?
' That would be ludicrous and so out of character for me.
Plus, it would hurt her. And then what? He finishes the project in a few weeks, and I'm stuck in Montana while he's in California?
I didn't want to face my sister for a situation that was going to eventually end in heartbreak.
I was tired from having Luna for a year while I studied for my master's degree.
My parents had been a financial support, but they were impatient with my choice to go to grad school, and my choice to care for Luna only added to that.
They wanted me to live with my decisions, so they let me do a lot of hard things for the last year that they probably could have helped with.
They helped some with Luna, but they had left a lot of it to me, and I was exhausted from the effort.
My schooling had just finished, and now Luna was back with her mom. I just needed a second to rest.
But I was worrying myself sick over a situation that was uncertain at best. I was mad at myself for having feelings about falling in love.
I was mad at myself for giving pieces of myself to this guy that I had never given to anyone before.
I had plans to meet him that morning, and I dreaded it.
I didn't dread it because I didn't like him.
I dreaded it because I liked him too much.
It wasn't like me to sit on laps and kiss guys in trailers and almost get caught.
I was blinded by the lights and cameras, and I was disappointed in myself for it.
I wanted to run back to Colorado and forget it all.
Dealing with my sister and Luna was already too mind-consuming to add dealing with my feelings for Alex. Dropping it all seemed like the most logical choice to make.
I went through the motions of getting Luna fed, dressed, and packed for her stay at her grandparents' house. They showed up at nine fifteen, and they talked to me for about thirty minutes.
I had already told Alex I was coming, and I numbly left for the ranch in Deer Lodge when they left my sister's house. I was running late, and my sister had no idea I was going back out there.
I had no idea why I was driving there.
I wasn't acting like myself.
I was blinded by love, and it was too much too soon. Even as I drove down the interstate, I knew I was going to turn around and go back to Missoula.
I called Alex, and he picked up on the first ring.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey. Are you almost here?"
My heart ached at the sound of his voice. He seemed eager to see me, and I had way too much of a bodily reaction to it.
"Noo," I said, regretfully. I hesitated because I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't coming. "I'm on my way right now," I said. "But it's late, they stayed forever talking to me. By the time I get there, we're basically going to have no time."
"Oh, no! I still have like two hours before I need to go to work."
"And I still have like one hour until I get there. I had to stop for gas, and I just got on the interstate."
"Okay. Well, I hate that. I wanted to see you. What about tomorrow morning?"
My heart felt shattered at his words. I could imagine what he looked like by the sound of his voice, and selfishly, I wanted to do whatever it took to be next to him.
But he didn't need that. He was at the busiest time of his life, and he needed to focus. I saw an exit from the interstate, and I took it so that I could turn around.
"I'm uh, heading back to Colorado soon. And, honestly, I'm having trouble with how to tell my sister that… I'm not telling my sister that I like you or anything like that, so that makes it hard because I haven't told her where I'm going this morning. I just took off."
"Why didn't you tell her you like me?" It was an innocent question, and the sound of it made my heart ache.
I didn't know how to answer. "She expects me to come eat breakfast at the restaurant right now…
and she thinks I'm going to hang out with her afterward.
I haven't told her we have plans. It's not that I feel like she's jealous or competitive with me.
But she's still hurting from Kai, and it's…
I'm trying to help her be happy and help her focus on taking care of Luna.
" There was silence after I made that statement.
It went on for a few seconds, and finally I said, "Alex? "
"Yeah, I'm here. I, uh, think you're saying you don't want to see me anymore."
"More like I can't."
"Yeah, well, I'd be lying if I said I was indifferent about it. That's sad for me, Josie. I wish there were something I could do to change it." His words were direct and sincere, and they caused a physical pang in my chest.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"So, you're not coming?"
"No. I mean, I was, but I turned around now. I hadn't even told my sister. I was just… not acting like myself."
Not acting like a coward, I thought. That was the truth. Going back to my solid life in Colorado seemed like the most Josie option.
"Are you saying that the Josie I'm getting to know isn't you acting like yourself?" He was being sincere, and my heart felt broken.
"Kind of," I said. "I mean, you know I do things with you that I don't normally do with other guys…"
I trailed off, and he said, "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
He was so sweet that I ached.
"No, you… if anything, you make me too… I'm really comfortable with you. It's other things in my life. It's just me. I'm the problem."
He let out a humorless laugh. "It's not you, it's me?" he said. "Josie, just turn around and come right now. Or come tomorrow. Please just reconsider. Come see me while you're still here."
I felt gut-wrenched. He was saying the exact thing I wanted him to say, and yet I still couldn’t go to him.
"Thank you," I said simply.
"I'll call you later if you want me to," he said. "Text me if you decide you want to talk, and I'll call you on my break later today."
"Okay," I said. "Thank you, Alex."
"All right, I'll talk to you soon."
I hung up with him, and I cried.
It was the middle of the morning on a beautiful, sunny day, and I could not stop crying.
I had to blink and wipe away tears to be able to see to drive.
I was crying from being sad about losing Alex.
I thought it might be a giant mistake to walk away from him, and yet I couldn’t muster up the courage to walk toward him.
I went back to Audrey's to take a cold shower and get myself together.
I had to think rationally. I left Colorado days ago, thinking my life was on one track—the track where Luna is back with her mom and I start my new life, looking for a job back home.
I would be near my parents with my built-in group of friends.
Then I ran into one guy, and I started making all these other plans that would be gigantic life changes.
I was ashamed of myself for being so back and forth.
I had now changed my mind twice. I felt like a horrible person.
I felt like I needed to resolve some of my guilt, and without thinking, I called Marcus.
I had a three-minute conversation with him that was half-hatched and awkward.
I spoke in code, so a simple statement took forever for me to spit out.
At the end of it, he said, "So, you're saying you want to still apply for the job at the school, but that other thing with us is off?
You want that to be just finished? You called me to tell me that? "
He was in his office, and I dreaded someone overhearing.
"I think that's better, yes."
There was a pause.
"Wh-that makes things weird," he said in a choppy tone.
"I should have talked to you in person. I'm sorry. I'm in Montana, and—"
"No. I don't care that you called. It would've been even more awkward to say in person. I'm saying it weird for you to come work here. Or church, actually. Jess and Abigail, you know, they found new church homes or whatever." (He was referring to women he had dated in the past.)
"Yeah, but I thought since no one knew about it, then…"
"I don't know," he said. "It might be better if you just…"
We were both trailing off—not finishing our sentences.
It was painful, but Marcus was telling me to find a new church. I don't know what I expected him to say when I told him I didn't want to go on another date.
I didn't go see my sister at the restaurant.
I called and told her I wasn't feeling my best, which was the truth. She came home later with food for me.
"Heyy, I brought you some orange juice and breakfast food," she said from the living room.
I heard her from my bedroom, and I came out.
"Why are you crying?" she said.
"What? I'm not," I answered in a neutral-to-cheery tone.
I had stopped crying a while ago, so I was telling the truth. My ears were still stopped up from it, though, and so was my nose.
"Yes, you are. What's the matter? Was that guy mean to you?"
"Wh-no."
"What's going on then?" she asked, staring at me.
"Nothing, seriously."
"Now I'm really worried because I know you're lying."
"No, I'm just mad at myself," I said.
"About what?"
I shrugged and looked downward. "I don't know. For being scared, I guess. I'm sorry. I don't want to put this on you. I didn't think you were coming home till later."
"We slowed down by ten-thirty, and Cal took over. What are you so scared of?"
"Nothing this breakfast can't fix," I said, making a happy face and using a genuine tone. I was a good actress when I thought hiding my feelings helped others.
"Josie, you are the least dramatic person I know.
I can't remember the last time I saw you cry.
You didn't cry when I slammed your hand in the car door last summer.
Not even when Pa-Paw died. You never cry.
If you're crying, that means you're actually letting yourself feel something, which is great. "
"No, I wouldn't say that," I said, feeling like I wanted to cry again at the thought of what made me cry in the first place.
"What is it?" she said, moving in front of me and trying to make eye contact. She was genuinely concerned.
"I guess it's the guy."
"Did he hurt you?" she said protectively.
"No."
"What did he do?" she asked impatiently.
"Nothing. That's the point. I want to like him, and nothing's going to come of it."
"Why not? If you like him, pursue him. You can make something come of it. He seemed to like you back, Jo. He took you in his trailer. He gave you gas money. He didn't do that with the other extras. I certainly didn't get called into his trailer."
"I've never liked a guy like that."
"Oh, my gosh, Josie, then what's the problem? What are you doing in here crying?"
"Because I'm not going to do anything about it." I took a deep breath and gave her a smile. "I've talked to him and everything. I don't even live here. It makes no sense. I had a good cry, and now I'm good. You just caught me before my face cleared up."
I was being a really good actress, if I did say so myself. I sounded casual and convincing, and I started eating the food my sister brought to show how fine I was.
"It's because of me," she said.
The truth of those words felt like a shot to the gut.
"No."
"Yes, it is. You're scared of being happy in front of me."
"No, I just don't live here," I said. "And he lives in California. It's just one of those hopeless relationships in life. It's not you at all."
"Because I can see that you think I'm jealous."
"I never thought you were jealous," I said. "You can get any guy you want."
"That's not true," she said in a sincere tone. "And maybe you're too nice to break it to me. Maybe that's what this is all about."
"It's not about me being nice," I said. "I'm not nice. At this point, I feel mean. I feel horrible. I told Alex that I was going there this morning, and then I called and canceled. I also called Marcus from the church and told him we can't date. He basically said 'don't come back'."
"Don’t come back where?" She made a face. "To Colorado?"
"To church."
"Oh, so what? I didn't even know you were dating someone from there."
"We were only kind of dating. I'm just saying, I don't feel nice at this point."
"How long is Alex going to be here doing that movie?"
"Five or six more weeks," I said.
"Just stay with us a little longer," she said.
"You're obviously not settled about it. Just stay.
You live cheaper than anyone I've ever met, and we can use you at the restaurant, anyway.
You don't need to turn around and go home.
Especially if you got kicked out of church.
It seems like the best medicine for that is to start a fling with a hotshot director.
You go back to Colorado… he goes back to California…
Luna and me get more time with JoJo. Everyone wins. "
I might have been nudged out of the church, but I still wasn't in the mindset to have what anyone would call a fling. I did, however, feel excited at the thought of staying, and I felt happy that my sister could get behind a plan for me to see Alex again. I was relieved to have her blessing.
"I will think about that," I said. "It's not a terrible idea."