Chapter 16
I ate breakfast with my sister, and we sat there and talked for over an hour—longer than we had talked in years.
It wasn't that it was a deep, meaningful conversation, but it was easy and pleasant, and I felt like I was on better terms with her afterward.
We didn't talk about parenting, but based on things she said during that conversation, I felt like she was working on being a good mom.
My relationship with her felt a little more settled, but I still had unresolved emotions stirring around inside of me.
I had an icky feeling when I thought about Marcus, and I wished I had done things differently with him.
This whole morning had been a disorienting whirlwind.
I felt that I had been making good choices at the time, but now I regretted everything I had done.
It wasn't that I regretted breaking things off with Marcus…
it was just the way I had done it. I felt embarrassed at the memory of things I had said.
And in the middle of all this thinking about my sister and Luna and Marcus and Colorado, there was Alex. Somehow, my mind kept going back to him. I was scared to go toward him and felt sick at the thought of going away.
I went to the Bible.
I did a word search to look for the biblical word for what I was feeling, and I found it used once in the New Testament. It was the feeling of timidity and cowardice that I wanted to overcome, and the word was translated as 'fear'. That word for fear corresponded with one verse in the Bible.
It was 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear (timidity or cowardice) but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
It was 2pm that day when I found that verse. I was alone—my sister had gone to the store. I had read it before, many times. I read it last year when I came to Montana. I had read it other times when I needed bravery. But this time, the verse hit me differently.
I felt burning hot tears sting my eyes the moment the words entered my heart that day. I felt a weight off my chest when I realized that I could just live free and be happy and not give myself over to the feelings of fear.
In that moment, I knew that my confusion, my fear, my duplicity, they weren't from God.
I felt sudden freedom when I realized that I wasn't in bondage to being a coward.
With God in me, I could operate in power and strength and a sound mind.
It was a supernatural truth, a Biblical promise that sank in, and in an instant, I was changed.
My mind was changed.
I was changed.
I heard the words from another verse in my mind as my chest ached with conviction and assurance. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of soul and spirit…
It was like a heavy blanket had been lifted from me. I could shake away fear and dread, knowing they weren't from God. I could operate in power, love, and a sound mind.
I closed my Bible with a completely different perspective than when I opened it.
I marveled at the fact that I was a long-time Christian, and I still got basic truths revealed to me all the time.
I thanked God for His patience and supernatural power, and I went into the living room feeling like a new person.
I knew that if I went to see Alex again, I wouldn’t tell him about my fears.
I knew I wouldn't tell my sister about my fears.
The fear and confusion didn't exist anymore, honestly.
Those feelings weren't from God, and they weren't mine to bear.
I could be free from all that. I was free. And I was so thankful.
I still didn’t have a plan for my life. I still didn't know how long I would stay in Montana.
But now I was living for the moment. I was living right then, and there was so much joy and pleasure in that.
I truly felt like a physical weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like the sky was bluer than usual.
My phone rang within a minute after I had left that room.
I felt excitement when I saw Alex's name.
I started to feel nervous when I thought about how I had acted the last time we talked, but then I told myself not to let that fear in.
"Hello?" I said, a smile in my voice.
"Hey, how was your morning?"
"Good," I said. "I've been having a good day. What about you?"
"Yeah, we've been working on rehearsing a scene for tonight. I still have quite a few extras out here, so it's been busy."
"Is it in that same building?"
"No, we're outside, at the camp. We're working on some of the rehearsals in the building, though."
"I didn't know you had so many extras out there still."
"It's the ones we work with more often—the travelers. They're out here with us quite a bit, actually. Your boy, James, is here."
"Oh, that's cool."
"Would you want to come watch?"
"Yes," I said. I smiled because it felt so wonderfully uncomplicated to just respond with one word and leave it at that with no doubt or reservation.
"Great," he said. "When?"
"Anytime, really. My niece is staying the night with her grandparents. My sister has this pottery thing tonight, and she was telling me I could go to that with her if I didn't have anything else going on. But, no, I didn't tell her I'd go."
"Great, so why don't you come out here?" he said.
"Sure. I'd love to watch. I'll just be a fly on the wall. Or if I can help if you need it."
"Oh, don't let Judd or Cam hear you say that."
"They can put me to work. I'd love that."
"It's a bit of a drive," he said. "Why don't you stay the night? You could make the crew breakfast tomorrow."
"For how many?" I asked, hiding the instant panic I felt—choosing to ignore fear.
"Three? Ten? Whatever you can do. There could be thirty, but everyone's used to fending for themselves."
"I could handle breakfast for a few of you," I said as I thought about it. "We could serve everyone if my sister comes with me."
"Would your sister come out for that?"
"Yeah, I can ask. She does have tomorrow off. And Luna's with her grandparents."
"Would you both want to spend the night tonight? You could take my trailer."
"Where would you sleep?"
"In the barn. I mean, we call it the barn, but you saw it. It's nice in there. We have air mattresses. I can sleep anywhere."
"I can sleep anywhere, too," I said. "If Audrey comes, we can sleep in the barn," I said. "This is right up her alley. She used to travel around and go to festivals and things like that. She likes to cook on the go, too."
"This is a match made in heaven," he said.
"If she's willing to come, we can probably feed as many as you need."
***
Audrey went for it. She cancelled her plans for the evening.
We had to plan a menu, gather cooking supplies, and then shop for food and prep before making our way out to Deer Lodge.
We left Missoula at 7pm and arrived at the ranch at 8:30.
I knew they were busy and just starting to shoot some outdoor evening shots at the area known as 'the camp'.
It was in a location on the backside of the ranch where there were no buildings in sight.
We would have to park near the kitchen tent and walk there.
Alex had explained to me where everything was, and I went straight there when we arrived so that Audrey and I could put away our supplies for the morning. I saw Judd when I was on my way from the car to the kitchen with the last of the utensils.
"Hey, I heard you were making breakfast in the morning," he said. "I'm looking forward to that."
"Hey, thanks, it'll be fun," I said, acting confident even though I was nervous. I barely knew Judd. I had met him before, but only briefly.
"Do you need help with anything?" he asked.
"No, thank you, this is the last trip."
"I came back to get a couple of things," he said. "I'm about to take the golf cart back to the camp. It's a little bit of a trek over there if you want a ride."
"My sister's with me. Can we both fit?"
"Oh, of course, it carries six. I've got to pick up something for Ty, too. We have to stop by her trailer. But I'm leaving now if you're ready."
"Yeah, let me grab Audrey," I told him.
And within a minute, the two of us were on the golf cart with him. I sat in the front seat, and Audrey squeezed in next to me.
Judd went into an unmarked trailer and came out with a battery pack.
Then he parked beside Ty's trailer, and we waited outside while he went in.
It was dark out, so the string lights near the trailers were on.
Ty was one of the main actresses, and she shared a trailer with her sister, Ameila.
Both of their names were on a sign in front of their trailer.
"Hey, I'm in Ty's trailer. Where's that box?"
We could hear Judd's voice plain as day when he went inside. There was a curtain in front of an open window, so he couldn’t see us, but we could hear everything.
I turned and made a face at my sister. She made one back.
We could not hear the voice of whoever he was talking to on the other end, and after a pause, he spoke again.
"Can you put Ty on the phone?" he asked. A pause. "Yeah, I'll wait while you walk over there. I feel like that's still going to be faster than looking for that box. These girls are not minimalist in this trailer."
There was a long pause. Knowing he'd be able to hear us, Audrey and I stayed quiet. I made another face at her, and she made one back at me as we waited in silence.
"One of 'em has a note from a secret admirer.
" There was a pause, and we listened closely.
"Yes, I'm serious, and no, I'm not snooping.
It's just sitting out for anyone to see.
She knew I was coming in here." He paused.
"Because there's no name or signature." He paused again.
"It's a love note. There are two of them.
They're short, but whoever it is… she's got an admirer among us.
" He paused. "She told me to come in here!
" he said, defensively. "Thank you, I'll shut up.
Hey, Ty, I'm in your trailer, and I don't see that little box.
" He paused. "Yeah, I see that bag. Do you want me to just bring the whole bag?
" He paused. "No problem. I'm on my way. "
Judd came out of the trailer carrying a royal blue duffel bag with LA Dodgers branding. He set it in the back seat, and we took off, heading toward the location where they were filming.
"How did you and Alex meet?" he said, looking at me with a curious glance. The glance was so curious that I wondered what Alex had told him.
"I was working at my sister's restaurant, and he came in there to eat. He was with his grandfather."
"Oh, my goodness, were you cooking eggs for your sister?" he asked. He looked at me, and I stuck my thumb out toward my sister.
"Yes, Audrey, this is my sister. I was working in her restaurant."
He paused and sighed, shaking his head. "I forgot about that. I'm putting everything together with the egg scene," he said.
"What's that?" I asked.
"There's a scene. It wasn't in the original script.
Alex added it later." He shook his head and sighed again.
"It's one of the best scenes in the project.
Ty's character is cooking eggs, and she doesn't do it like her counterpart did.
She panics and is afraid that she's about to be found out, and Sam's character comes in and saves her, teaches her.
It's a great scene between them. I see what inspired him, now.
That's cool. I'm really glad he met you if it made him think of that.
We needed something more for Ty's character right after they've switched places, and it's going to be a key scene.
I was like, 'how did he think of making eggs', but it makes perfect sense now. That's great."