14 | Simone
The day after Christmas felt quieter, similar to how it felt after a hurricane had passed, the streets were calm and everyone’s done processing what happened and assessed all the damage that took place.
Samaj was officially in Union Heights now.
Not going. Not about to leave. He was gone.
And somehow, knowing there was no more “before” left made everything hit harder.
I tried to stay busy cleaning up the house that didn’t need to be cleaned, reorganizing drawers that were already neat, scrolling past pictures I didn’t want to see.
None of it worked. My heart felt bruised, like I’d been carrying something fragile and dropped it by accident.
A text from Emaree saved me from my thoughts.
Emaree: Get your best pajamas and come to my house in an hour. Let’s have a girls night!
So that night, the two of us plus Nikki were lounging around Emaree’s living room, containers from one of the best seafood spots in the city covering the coffee table.
Crab legs, shrimp, corn, potatoes, sausage, the works.
Our gloves and bibs on and butter sauce everywhere.
Music low in the background a mix of SZA, Coco Jones and Ella Mai playing.
That familiar, safe energy of being with people who knew me well enough not to force me to explain myself, but to talk when I was ready.
Girl talk flowed easily at first. Lighthearted conversation around random social media drama, upcoming plans for the new year etc.
Unexpectedly, there was a loud knock at the door.
Emaree rolled her eyes. “I bet that’s Kadeem. He’s coming to get Emon. They’re going out to some comedy club.”
Sure enough, it was Kadeem. He walked in like he owned the place, dressed in a stylish Bordeaux Cropped Chore Jacket and black, tapered pants. He took off his black shades and didn’t even try to hide the way his eyes lingered on Emaree.
“Well damn,” he said slowly, looking her up and down. “Christmas must’ve been real good to you.”
“Relax,” she shot back, trying not to smile. “You’re here for Emon, not me.”
“Eventually,” he said, still looking at her. “I like to appreciate the scenery first.”
Nikki gagged dramatically. “Hey Kadeem.”
“What’s up Nikki.” Then his eyes landed on me, and his expression shifted softer, and more serious.
“Hey Simone, you good?” I forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You sure? Cause your voice already snitched on you. Sounds like you about to start singing one of Mary J Blige’s songs. You know that woman stayed with a broken heart.”
I snorted. “Too soon Kadeem… too soon.”
He tilted his head, studying me like he could see straight through the lie. “But for real though it’s alright to not be okay, you know that, right?” I nodded. The words caught in my chest.
“Also,” he added, reaching in his jacket packet, he pulled out a gift box and handed it to me “Samaj asked me to give you this.”
I stared at the box like it might bite me.
“Ohh open it!” Nikki said, scooting closer to me. Slowly, I opened it. Inside was a delicate gold necklace Simple. Elegant. Beautiful. Hanging in the center was a heart pendant. I flipped it over and found that it was engraved with Luke 1:45.
It was my favorite scripture. The one I’d shared with him the night we sat in the car eating McDonalds on the first day we hung out. How did he even remember that? I swallowed hard, blinking fast.
“Thoughtful bastard,” Nikki muttered under her breath.
“Take care of yourself, aight?” Kadeem said gently before Emon came walking downstairs.
“Yo!” He said dapping up Kadeem. “Twin we out.” He turned towards Emaree kissing her on the forehead like I’ve often seen him do.
“Ya’ll be safe out there.” She replied.
The door closed and the room went quiet again. I slipped the necklace back into its box and whispered a silent prayer. I wasn't sure God was ready to answer yet.
Help me let go… or help me wait without falling apart.
Emaree rubbed my arm gently. “I know that wasn’t easy. This is just one of those things that take time.”
“I told you; you shouldn’t have told him. I just knew it would ruin everything.” Nikki said going back to her seafood boil. I was too stunned to speak.
Emaree’s head drew back quickly. “Are you serious right now?”
“Guys are all the same. He probably broke up with you because he wants to see what them Union Heights girls are like.” She cracked her snow crab and continued.
“Is that other guy you were talking to still in town? You know what they say…the quickest way to get over someone is to get up under someone else.”
“It’s fine,” I repeated, way too quickly. “I’m fine. Seriously, y’all. I’m good.”
“No, it’s not fine. Nikki, you’re being hella rude and I’m really getting sick and tired of the little slick comments you like to make at Simone’s expense. She may let it slide, but I don’t have to, especially not in my own house. Either you apologize to her, or you can leave.”
Nikki sucked her teeth. “If Simone has a problem, she can speak for herself.” I felt her eyes on me, but I was at a loss for words. I sat there frozen in shock by everything that had just happened in the last ten minutes.
“You know what, I really don’t have time for this.”
I didn’t expect Nikki to start packing up her things or for her to leave. I wasn’t sure if anything I said would have stopped her or if I wanted her to stay at that point.
“Bye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” Emaree yelled behind her.
“I never liked that girl. I only invited her to be nice.” Emaree said after locking the front door.
“Not trying to tell you what to do but I think you need to seriously evaluate that friendship. I don’t care how long ya’ll have known each other.
She’s not a real friend and people who are miserable like that don’t want to see anyone else happy for real. ”
Staring down at my hands. “Yeah, I could sense that too, but I don’t know— I just chose to always only see that good in her.
She has her flaws, but she’s not a completely horrible person.
I honestly think she's still a little upset that I didn't lend her money the other day.
She's so used to me helping her out. Can you believe she even had the nerve to question why I wouldn't lend her money this time?”
E shook her head. “That’s crazy. I once heard someone say ‘if they don't ask you to explain your 'yes', then they shouldn't ask you to explain your 'no'.”
“That's so real.” I replied.
Nikki and I met back in middle school and were close, but once we both went to different high schools, we lost contact and reconnected our freshman year of college after bumping into each other at the campus bookstore.
She was a lot different from the girl I was once close to, but going into college it was nice seeing a familiar face.
Emaree was never a fan of her, but over time accepted her into our tiny circle.
Emaree leaned in, eyes soft. “Anyway, Samaj is carrying a lot, but him walking away doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. If anything, I can respect the fact that he’s telling you straight up that he has to get himself together.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. I knew I had to focus on my last semester, my internship, and my plans. My life doesn’t stop because Samaj’s is in a season of transition.
Silence settled between us, not heavy, more like supportive stillness. Then Emaree added. “But if you do feel like going to slash his tires or bust a few windows I’m down.”
I burst out laughing so suddenly that I startled her. It felt good and needed.
“My bad. Thank you, girl. I needed that laugh.”
“You’re welcome,” Emaree said proudly. “I take my comedic relief role very seriously.”
We finished our food and decided to end our night watching one of our all-time favorite Christmas movies The Polar Express.
When I got back home, sleep was hard to come by. As I lay in bed the jewelry box containing the necklace Samaj had gifted me sat on my nightstand. My cell phone plugged into the charger lay beside it.
I turned onto my side and pulled the covers over my head trying to shut everything out. It didn’t work and before I knew it tears were falling down my face soaking into my pillow.
My mind began to think of everyone I had lost including Samaj, Nikki, and my parents. The people I cared about, and thought would always be there in some way. All gone.
And the worse part of it all… I didn’t get a say in any of it.
I didn’t get to fight for it. Fix it or get any closure. There were moments like this—late at night—when missing my parents felt unbearable. When I just wanted to hear their voices, to be reminded that I was still their baby, their pride and joy.
“God…” My voice cracked as I whispered His name.
For a moment, I just laid there, letting the silence sit.
Because if I was honest… I didn’t even know what to pray.
All I had were my tears but in the stillness of the night I felt like God met me there and he interpreted my tears and spoke back to me in a way I really needed.
The scripture 2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10 dropped in my spirit.
“Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now, I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
I had heard this scripture many times, but what I’ve come to realize now in this very moment is how often I knew the word of God but failed to actually apply it to my life.
I’ve grown so accustomed to being “strong” all of the time that I looked down on being weak when being weak was in fact nothing to look down upon.
It was an opportunity for God to step in and be the strength that I needed.
I vowed from that moment forward I wouldn’t just know what the word said, but I would trust it fully and apply it to my life even when it came to the matters of my heart.