15 | Samaj
I spent both Christmas and New Years alone.
Even when my parents or friends from back home would hit me up I wouldn’t respond.
I stayed in my room or in the gym and ordered Doordash every day.
I’m not going to lie. I was lonely, especially at night.
I was sad, I was angry and I was heartbroken but disconnecting from everyone was a coping mechanism for me.
Once I finally moved into my new place and started working I hoped that things would get better. That I would find my rhythm, but so far things just weren’t going according to plan. I was hardly feeling any better than when I first got here.
Every morning, I’d wake up, and stare at the city below with incredible views and it’s quite energetic and I’d have this moment of, “Bro… you really live here now.”
It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good. It was just…
quiet. Too quiet. Lifeless even. I found myself laying around letting my thoughts run wild.
What if my dad wasn’t my biological father?
Did I even really want to find out? Would things ever go back to a place of normalcy?
So many questions and not enough answers.
Working as a Junior Architect. The firm was dope.
Open floor plan, huge windows, plants everywhere.
The kind of place that made you feel smarter just walking inside.
They put me on a mixed-use development project, and it helped me focus on something other than my personal issues.
My coworkers were all pretty down to earth and willing to help me adjust.
Sketching blueprints. Sitting in on design reviews. Running models with the senior architects. But even in the middle of doing what I loved, homesickness hit in weird ways.
Small things would remind me of back home, like grabbing a snack out of my pantry would have my mind automatically go to Kadeem.
I just knew he would be clowning me right now if he knew I was shopping at Trader Joes.
I missed his crazy behind and then if I saw anything to do with sea turtles or the beach I would think about Simone.
I told Kadeem and Emon to look out for her, but not bring her up or give me any updates.
I thought about blocking her phone number and social media page, but that felt too extreme and too permanent. I’ll admit I even missed my parents although I was still upset and not ready to speak with them.
My mom called almost every day, and my dad reached out as well, but other than letting them know I was alive and had made it safely to California I ignored every call and text.
My life had changed in a matter of weeks, and I didn’t know if I was coming or going most days. I’d sit in my apartment eating take out or something simple that I threw together and the quiet would turn into this heavy feeling in my chest.
The Union Heights area of Cali was beautiful, but it wasn’t mine yet. A month after moving I finally reached my breaking point and answered my dad’s phone call. It was brief. He said he wanted to fly out and spend a weekend with me, I was unsure, but I agreed.
That following weekend, true to his word he showed up with his duffel bag, wearing a half zip polo knit sweater and shades like he was trying too hard to look like he belonged here.
“Hey Maj.” he said, clapping my shoulder.
“Who dressed you this morning?”
He sucked his teeth. “Boy, I look good. You better hope you have this much swag when you get to my age.”
“Yeah alright.” I said taking his bag and tossing it in my trunk.
We spent the day walking around downtown grabbing food and making small talk about everything except what needed to be addressed. The moment we stepped into my apartment, I knew I couldn’t waste any more time beating around the bush.
“We need to talk.”
He nodded his head slowly, like he’d been expecting those words all day.
So, we sat on my couch, the expensive one I’d spent several days debating whether to purchase.
Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because it reminded me how my mom had been the one to furnish and decorate my last place.
She loved interior design and possessed the gift to turn empty spaces into art that you could live in.
I was no doubt still angry, but I can admit, I really missed her.
The silence stretched between us until I finally spoke up.
“I’ll start. You want to tell me why I had to hear from Simone that you may not be my biological father?”
His shoulders stiffened. “I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Your mom and I both discussed it a few times until I got tired of talking about it. I told her we shouldn’t say anything.”
A bitter laugh escaped me. “So, what was the plan? Let me go my entire life without knowing who I really am?”
“You know who you are.” He snapped back.
“No, I actually don’t.” I countered.
His head snapped up. “Samaj—”
“You don’t get to do that.”
He stood abruptly.
“I did what I thought was best!”
I was up on my feet before I realized it. “You made the wrong choice!”
The words echoed through the room. We stared at one another. Both of our chests rising and falling. For several tense seconds neither of us moved but then I gave in and dropped back onto the couch first. The anger was still there, but underneath it was something worse. Something harder to admit.
Hurt.
I rubbed both hands over my face. “I lived a lie. I don’t even know who the hell I am and you think that was best. Best for who?”
When I looked back up, I found him staring back at me with tears in his eyes.
“Do you have any idea what this feels like? For 24 years I built my identity around something that might not be true.”
His shoulders dropped.
“I thought my love for you would be enough. That the truth wouldn’t matter.
I was terrified Samaj.” His voice cracked.
“I was terrified of what would happen if you found out. If you’d look at me differently or if anything I ever did or every lesson I ever taught you would somehow mean less because we might not share the same blood. ”
A tear fell down his cheek. “I was scared to lose my son. I didn’t want things to change between you and me.
I didn’t want things to change between you and your mom or you and Shiloh.
I knew the truth would come with follow-up questions and I didn’t want to share the background story… I still don’t.”
I sat quietly fighting back my own tears. “Maybe you don’t need to give me every detail, but you got to give me something man.”
He sat back down rubbing his beard like I’ve seen him do many times whenever something weighed heavy on his mind. For a long moment he just stared at the floor. Then he sighed.
“You know,” he started, “your mom and I were really young when she was pregnant with you. Initially, when we found out we were scared. We were broke and didn’t have any family or support, but then we had that first ultrasound, the fear I felt before was replaced with this courage and drive to create the best possible life I could for us. ” His voice dipped.
“You always had a way of making me want to be a better man even before you were born. Your mom dealt with postpartum depression after she gave birth. I had no idea what that was at the time, but I just knew things were hard for her. I stepped up as much as I could, but we needed help. Thankfully we met Mia.”
That name immediately caught my attention.
“Simone’s mom?”
He nodded. “Your mom had met her one day randomly at a community health event their church was having. They became friends overnight.” As he continued speaking it felt like pieces of a puzzle were being put in place.
“While your mom was pregnant, I was in school during the day, but I needed money so I would do odd jobs here and there. One of those jobs was at a warehouse in deep side. Most of the guys there were just trying to keep their heads down, work and go home but some weren’t.
They were involved in illegal things. At first, I kept my distance and looked the other way.
Then I started to do little favors for extra money. ”
His expression darkened.
“I wasn’t a criminal, but I was getting too comfortable around people who were.”
“Did mom know?”
“No, but Destiny’s sister Moriah, found out.
” I’m not even sure how she was connected with any of those guys, but she told me to stay away from them before I ended up dead or in prison.
She got me an interview with a construction company.
Legit work. Better environment, better pay.
I quit the warehouse job without thinking twice. ”
Then I asked the question that had been sitting in the back of my mind.
“Why did ya’ll stop coming around? Simone said that GiGi told her ya'll just stopped coming around when I was almost two.”
His expression shifted. He leaned back in his chair, exhaling slowly like he already knew this part would change everything.
“We didn’t stop coming around. I left.” The words landed heavily between us.
I frowned. “What do you mean you left?”
“At the time, I found out that you may not be mine.” The words hit me like a punch in the gut. Although I already knew. Hearing him say it out loud made it feel real in a different way.
“I was devastated. Hurt. Angry. We argued. A lot. We didn’t stop coming around. I left and she stayed with Destiny and her husband. I didn’t leave because I stopped loving her or you. I left because I wasn’t man enough to face everything.” He looked away.
“And then Moriah hit me up one day. She told me she got down to the bottom of things with your mom. The man who might’ve been your biological father wasn’t some guy she dated or messed around with like I had automatically assumed. He was someone who hurt her and took advantage of her one night.”
The air left my lungs “What?”
A knot formed in my throat and the tears I had tried to hold back were now falling without permission. Every bit of anger I'd been feeling towards her evaporated.
“Moriah did some digging and eventually tracked him down.”
“Where was he?”