15 | Samaj #2
“Still back in New York. To this day, I don’t know how that woman had connections everywhere the way she did, but she offered to do me a favor.”
“What kind of favor?” I asked, already not liking where this conversation was going.
“What I’m about to tell you stays between us.”
My stomach dropped.
My dad got up from his seat and started pacing back and forth.
“I took her up on her offer. I wanted her to scare him. Make him admit to what he did and maybe even hurt him a little just so he could feel some of the pain that your mom and I had been carrying, but things went left.”
His eyes filled with regret.
His jaw tightened. For a moment I thought he’d shut down the way he usually does, but then he sighed and took back his seat on the couch.
“So far left. I thought she’d scare him, hurt him even but not…”
My heart was now in my stomach. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? If someone else would have told me this I wouldn’t have believed them. My dad was a lot of things, but I couldn’t imagine that he would get himself involved in something like this.
“Wait. You’re telling me…” I ran a hand over my face, trying to process what I just heard. “You had somebody killed?”
“It was never supposed to go that far, but Moriah is deeper into things than I thought. She told me not to say anything to anyone, so I didn’t, but I made the choice to relocate.
I didn’t want her dirty deeds to come back and get us in trouble, or even worse get us hurt because someone found out and decided to retaliate. ”
I needed a shot of liquor and I didn’t even drink. This was more than I could’ve fathomed.
“I was going to move us to North Carolina where my cousin lived but, I got a really good opportunity that would help your mother and I financially that I couldn’t pass up so instead of moving up there, I found a place only a few hours away.”
Everything went still. It was my turn to stand up and start pacing the floor.
“I can’t believe this.” I said, shaking my head.
“I was young. I was angry. Someone violated your mom, my best friend, she was everything to me. I’m not trying to justify what I did and honestly I wanted to take it to the grave with me but…”
“You told mom?”
He just nodded his head.
“Did anyone else know besides Mom and Simone’s Aunt?”
“No, but things changed. Everything changed between all of us, but you know what didn’t?”
“What?”
“How much I loved and cared about her and about you. I think back on that decision and wish I would have done things differently.”
I studied him. This was the man who I grew up respecting. The man who taught us wrong from right. He wasn’t a saint. I knew he had his flaws like anyone else, but I would’ve never guessed his past looked like this.
I didn’t blame him though. I don’t know what I’d do if I were in his shoes, so I wasn’t going to judge his choices or crucify him like I had a Heaven or Hell to put him in.
“Once I finished school I started to work on building my own business. By the time you were five I had established a pretty good life for us. I figured enough time had passed and chose to move us back down here into our last home, and we got pregnant with Shiloh.”
A small smile formed on his face. I smiled too. I remember when Shiloh began walking and talking. I’d offer to help my parents with him or try to teach him different things. I loved everything about being his big brother.
My dad’s voice softened. “I can’t tell your mom’s side of the story.
She has to do that on her own time, but I need you to know that making the choice not to do a DNA test wasn’t hard for me because it really didn’t matter in the sense that regardless of what the results were you would always be my son and although I know you might want us to get one now, I can promise you that still won’t change,” he pulled a box out of his duffle bag and placed it on the coffee table.
“I even brought an at home DNA test with me so we could take it before I leave if you want.”
That last statement completely caught me off guard.
The way he looked me in my eyes made me realize just how hard this must be for him as it was for me.
I took a deep breath before answering, “let me think about it.”
Did I really want to know? Would it just make things more complicated, or would it give me a sense of identity? This was all so much to process.
Then he continued: “I didn’t want you moving out here to Union Heights.” He held up a hand before I could respond.
“It wasn’t because I didn’t support your dreams. I was just scared to lose you completely. I knew how rough things had gotten between us after Shiloh passed and I thought if I could keep you close physically then maybe I’d have more time to fix things.”
My throat got tight. “But now,” he said, leaning back, “I’m happy you came. This is going to be a good change for you. I can see it already. And I want you to know something.”
He looked me dead in my eyes. “I got your back. No matter where you go. Union Heights, New York, China, Mars— I’m your father. And I’m always here.”
“Thanks.” Lord knows I needed that.
Later, that night he pulled out his laptop and we watched old family videos.
Me and Shiloh building a pillow fort. My mom yelling at us for tracking mud in the living room.
Shiloh showing off some Lego creation like it was a world masterpiece.
Me clowning him in the background. We laughed.
We paused the screen sometimes just to stare at my mom’s face. We sat in silence when the sadness hit.
But the whole time I felt this peace settle in me.
A reminder that even though I was far from home, I wasn’t lost. Maybe this was the first step toward becoming the man I was meant to be.