16 | Simone #2
I stared at his message for a few seconds. Just seeing his name on my screen made my stomach tighten. Almost immediately, another text appeared.
Kadeem: So, you are alive.
Emon: Someone in their feelings
Samaj: Aww. If you miss me Kadeem just say that.
Kadeem: I miss those oatmeal cookies
Samaj: God don’t like ugly
Kadeem: But he loves you though lol
Samaj responded by removing Kadeem from the group chat. I couldn’t help but laugh.
Samaj: How’s the shop?
Emon: Busy. Opening up my own shop is all work and no play.
Kadeem: Nobody told you to be a businessman. It’s all good though. I’m playing enough for the both of us. Especially since a certain someone in the chat likes playing hard to get.
Emaree: Don’t start with me Kadeem
Samaj: Smh this guy. Who added you back in the chat?
Emaree: Guilty… now I’m regretting it.
Kadeem: Queen where you been?
Emaree: Me? You’re the one that got missing.
Emon: Yea, for real where you been at Kadeem?
Kadeem: Classified.
Emaree: Boy bye!
I shook my head. Some things never change.
Kadeem: Let’s get back to the real topic of discussion and find out why Samaj all of a sudden popping up this weekend
Samaj: I can’t come see my family and friends?
Kadeem: That’s it? Sounds a little suspicious
Emon: Ignore him
Kadeem: Sounds like someone coming back for a woman
My smile disappeared. I stared at the screen waiting for his reply, but it seemed like he was at a loss for words.
Emon: Leave the man alone. See you this weekend bro.
I locked my phone no longer interested in what he’d possibly say next. I wasn’t ready to see him. Not because I was upset. Not because I didn’t care, but because I wasn’t ready to find out whether seeing him again would heal something or break my heart all over again.
Not even a minute later I had an incoming call from Emaree.
“Girl, you know he’s trying to be slick right? He could’ve easily told the guys he was coming, but he chose to put it in the group chat to make sure you saw it.”
I rolled my eyes. “I really don’t have time to figure out what he has going on.”
“I feel you. Luckily you’re going on your trip tomorrow.”
“Yeah. Speaking of my trip, I actually need to finish packing, so I’ll call you later.”
“Ok, later.”
There were nights I missed Samaj so intensely that I would replay all of our good memories before throwing myself a pity party.
But then there were days I woke up honestly excited about my life my internship, my classes, my club meetings, my meals, the ones I didn’t burn.
I was learning and loving myself in a way I had never done before.
I realized I wasn’t just adjusting to life without Samaj. I was rediscovering Simone.
A few weeks ago, I came across a video on social media.
It was a girl sharing how to create a ‘Solo Date Jar’ filled with different solo date ideas.
Prior to this I had never gone out alone.
If I wanted to go out to eat, go shopping or catch a movie I would find someone to go with me.
Not because I couldn’t enjoy my own company, but more so because it was the normal thing to do.
Surprisingly after doing it a few times it started to become something I really enjoyed.
One of my favorite solo dates consisted of grabbing a cup of tea early in the morning before class at this small bakery. I’d find a table outside and a journal and sometimes people watch. I would even talk to God out loud like He was right beside me without a care in the world.
Sometimes it was deep things like:
“Lord, remove anything in me that’s not like You.”
Other times it was:
“God, I know you see me struggling. Please help me out before I start embarrassing us both.”
Both were valid.
Being with God felt like being held even when the rest of my life felt uncertain.
After months of taking myself on little solo dates, movies, picnics at the beach, art galleries, the zoo, I finally felt ready for the next level: my first real solo trip. Nothing fancy, no passport-stamps, just a three-hour drive into the woods to spend five quiet days glamping under the stars.
Leaving GiGi for a whole week was new for me and it wasn’t easy.
“You don’t have any Dr. appointments this week, and we’ve already gone grocery shopping. I’ll be back early Sunday so we can go to church. If something comes up and you need me, I’ll just come back early.”
“Simone, baby nothing is going to come up and you’re not coming back early. I keep telling you not to worry about me. I appreciate you taking care of me, but you have to live your life too.”
Logically, I knew she was right, but it was easier said than done.
GiGi was still independent but the older she got the more I worried about her and wanted to be around to make sure she was OK.
It was one of the reasons I chose not to go away for college and opted to attend a university only an hour away from home.
“Well, Emaree’s going to be checking on you while I’m away. Don’t fight me on it. It’s the only way I was able to have some peace of mind about booking this trip.”
She shook her head laughing. “What am I going to do with you, little girl?”
“Love me forever,” I replied, kissing her on the cheek.
“Forever and ever and even the day after that,” she added.
My cabin couldn’t have been more than 150 square feet, but it felt perfect.
Cozy. Intentional. There was a queen bed pressed against a huge window that looked straight out into the forest, a tiny kitchenette with a mini stove and fridge, a two-seater table, and a bathroom that somehow didn’t feel cramped.
It had everything I needed and nothing extra to distract me.
I hiked a small trail that was wrapped around the property and prayed out loud the whole way.
I sat outside in one of the wooden chairs and read a new book I picked up titled Fervent by Priscilla Shrier until the sun dipped low.
I cooked simple little meals on the stove and ate slowly, listening to the birds instead of scrolling on social media.
I journaled about everything, the ways I’d changed, the things I still needed to work on, the heaviness I’d been carrying since Samaj left and the feelings I had about losing a friend I thought would be in my life for the long haul.