16 | Simone #3
The third night, I had the property manager light the fire pit outside and roasted marshmallows, something I haven’t done since I was a kid.
It was a nice change from the busy and fast paced life back home.
The stars in the sky seemed to shine even brighter out here, but when it got too dark, I took my scary butt back inside, took a nice warm shower and got in bed.
But then the fourth night came.
Something shifted. Maybe it was the silence.
Maybe it was the loneliness finally catching up to me.
Maybe it was the realization that I was out here doing all this self-work while still feeling that empty space where Samaj used to be.
I missed him. More than I wanted to admit.
I kept trying to distract myself by drinking tea, reading, and journaling but the thoughts of Samaj still found their way in.
And that night… my thoughts drifted places they shouldn’t have.
Thoughts of our dates, our conversations, our hugs, our kisses.
Missing him turned into longing for him.
Thinking about him turned into longing for the comfort of him.
I found myself slipping into thoughts I knew how to escape but not always resist.
My abstinence journey has never been as hard as it has been for me these past few months.
It wasn’t new to me. I struggled with self-pleasure before…
and even though I told myself it wasn’t the same as having sex, it left me conflicted because I knew it was still going against my purity.
What felt good in the moment was always followed by guilt that I couldn’t easily shake off.
Those couple of minutes of gratifying my flesh wasn’t worth it. I felt ashamed and like a failure.
I was determined to keep my phone on DND, but a few of the girls from Faith and Femininity started an accountability group chat specifically for us who were struggling in this area where we could reach out whenever we were having a moment of weakness and get some support, so instead of trying to fight off the urge alone I decided to send a text.
Me: Hey ya’ll, I really use some help right now before I do something I don’t have no business doing
Tasha: Don’t do it sis!
Noelle: Lock that kitty up and throw away the key!
Me: OMG! LOL
Tasha: But seriously though, I’m glad you reached out. That in of itself is a huge step and we got your back!
Vanessa: There is no temptation too great that you can’t resist with the help of the Holy Spirit. In your time of weakness remember that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses according to 2 Corinthians 12:9
Tasha: Amen! Come through with the scriptures Vanessa!
Noelle: The last time I fell into temptation I had to really pray and ask God to remove that lustful desire because I realized I was entertaining it and not fighting it.
I knew it was wrong but would do it and then just repent afterwards.
I say all that to say—your deliverance may not mean an immediate removal of the desire or God may choose not to remove it at all but if you make the conscious effort to bring the temptation to the Lord every time it will have no power over you because who the Son set free is free indeed.
Tasha: I pray we all begin to hate this sin as much as God does.
Noelle: Amen! Here’s another scripture to meditate on Galatians 5:16
Me: Thanks ladies! I’m so grateful for each one of you.
Noelle: Cobweb coochies unite!
Me: Noelle, please LOL
Tasha: We should all go get purity rings together!
Vanessa: Ohh lets go next weekend
Me: Next weekend works
After chatting with the girls, I sat on the edge of the bed and said a quick little prayer, “God, I’m surrendering my thoughts and my desires for instant gratification over to You.
I’m really trying but I know this isn’t something I can do on my own.
Please help me to resist temptation and honor my commitment to walk in purity. ”
Before I knew it, I was knocked out getting the best sleep of my life.
The next morning, the fifth and final day, I went on a dry fast. No food.
No music. No distractions. I hadn’t been on a fast in forever, but I felt led to go on one even if just for one day.
I needed the time to really lock in. Just me and God.
I walked the trail again, this time slower, carrying a heaviness I desperately wanted to release.
And somewhere in that quiet, I felt Him nudge me.
You need to give yourself more grace. Stop carrying what I’ve already lifted from you.
It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t forceful. It was like a soft truth settled into my heart. Everyone falls short. Everyone stumbles. But God wasn’t asking me to be perfect. He was asking me to be honest, to have a repentant heart, and to keep trying. To stop beating myself up for being human.
These last few days alone didn’t solve everything. But it reminded me of something important: I may not be exactly where I wanted to be in my faith walk, but I was nowhere close to where I used to be and that was OK. This wasn’t a race, it was a journey that I was learning to embrace.