21 | Samaj #3
I sank into the chair waiting for him to pick it up and read it, but he didn’t, instead he told me to read it out loud.
So, I did. My voice wavered on parts, steady on others.
But I got through every word. The stuff I’d been carrying wasn’t mine.
The wounds I’d been pretending didn’t matter anymore.
Where I felt God tugging at me to surrender control.
When I finished, Dr. Thomas took a slow breath.
“That took a lot of courage Samaj. Thank you for sharing that with me,” he said, “Is there anything else you would like to share? Anything you’ve been dealing with that I could help you navigate?”
I gave him a look, one that questioned how he knew I still had something I hadn’t shared yet.
He must have sensed it because he added, “I rely heavily on the Holy Spirit to do my job, and right now, I feel like He’s telling me there’s more you need to get off your chest. Talk to me.”
“I don’t know… it’s kind of dumb.”
“Let me be the judge of that.”
“Sometimes, when there’s a rainstorm back home I’d get so anxious and worried about my loved ones.
I have to make sure they’re not out on the road.
It always brings me back to that day, when my brother and his friend lost their life.
I’ve been trying my best to control it. I think it’s gotten better.
I’ve avoided checking the weather back home. ”
He nodded slowly. “Samaj, what you’re describing doesn’t sound dumb at all.”
“It makes me feel like I’m losing my mind though.”
“Because part of you knows your loved ones can drive in the rain and make it home safely. The logical part of your brain understands that every rainstorm doesn’t end in tragedy. But trauma isn’t stored in the logical part of the brain. It’s stored in the emotional and survival centers.”
I sat back in my chair.
“Every time there’s a rainstorm, your nervous system responds as if the threat is happening again.”
“Makes sense.”
“Tell me what happens physically when you’re worried.” Dr. Thomas continued.
“My chest gets tight. I can’t focus and my thoughts start racing.” I rubbed my palms together. “I started checking the weather and calling people.”
“That’s hypervigilance.”
“It’s when your mind stays on high alert because it believes it’s protecting you.”
That’s exactly what it felt like.
“Dr. Thomas folded his hands on his desk. “Here’s the thing though. Hypervigilance creates the illusion of control.”
My jaw tightened.
“If you know where everyone is, if you know they’re not driving you feel safer.”
Silence lingered between us for a few minutes before he asked the question I already knew was coming.
“Has any of that actually prevented something bad from happening?”
“It helps me.”
“Temporarily. When Shiloh died you felt helpless. You couldn’t save him or control the outcome.”
A heavy weight settled onto my chest.
“Your mind tries to regain control now by believing if you’re vigilant enough, careful enough, worried enough, maybe no one else will be taken from you.” Dr. Thomas softened his voice. “But Samaj, worrying isn’t protection.”
“I know, but I don’t know what else to do.”
He reached for his notebook. “The first thing I want you to work on is learning the difference between concern and responsibility. Concern says, ‘I love you. Please drive safely.’ While responsibility says, ‘it’s my job to make sure nothing happens to you.’”
I nodded.
“You mentioned avoiding the weather reports. That isn’t healing. That’s avoidance.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“The next time you see or hear about a storm back home,” he said, “instead of immediately calling everyone and trying to regain control, I want you to stop.”
“Stop?”
“Pause and Pray.”
That surprised me.
“I want you to acknowledge the fear, but then give it to God.”
My eyes dropped to the floor.
“Pray for their safety and trust God loves and cares for them even more than you do.”
Tears filled my eyes. I tried blinking them away, but his next words landed directly on my heart.
“Samaj, your brother’s death was tragic, but God didn’t stop being God that day.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“He was with Shiloh. He was with your family and guess what?”
I wiped the tears to look at him.
“He’s with you right now.”
We took a brief intermission before continuing our session. After all of the emotional unpacking we did I definitely needed the break.
“Let’s talk about healing and what that looks like. You’ve been fighting to heal on your own for a long time. But healing is both spiritual and emotional. God works through prayer, yes. But He also works through processes. Therapy. Deliverance. Transformation.” He leaned back, hands folded.
“I’m an advocate for God and therapy,” he said.
“There’s power in both. Prayer deals with the spirit.
Therapy deals with the mind. And fasting?
Fasting opens the heart. It allows you to have a deeper intimacy with God and experience breakthrough in your life that you may not otherwise be able to without it. ”
I blinked at that. “Fasting?”
He nodded. “Fasting is sacrifice with purpose. It sharpens your discernment. Helps you release things you’re gripping too tightly and helps you hear God.
Matthew 17:21 tells us, ‘Some things can only come out by prayer and fasting’, which lets us know that some battles we fight we won’t see a breakthrough in unless we pair prayer with fasting. Have you ever fasted before?”
“No,” I admitted. “Never.”
“That’s Okay. I want you to try. Start simple. One day or three days from Sunrise to Sunset. Water only if your health allows. But the key is intention. Remove distractions and pair them with prayer. You’ll be surprised how much clarity comes when the body is quiet.”
“Hold up. Isn’t fasting for people that are really saved? I just started reading my bible for real last week.”
He gave me a reassuring smile.
“Prayer and fasting is for everyone. The Bible says in Matthew 6:16 “And when you fast not if you fast…which lets us know that God expects us all to fast at some point or another.” He pulled out a book and handed it to me.
“Here, take this book with you. It will be a great resource during your fast. It teaches you how to biblically do a fast and some powerful prayers you can pray while you’re having quiet time with the Lord. That’s your homework.”
I took the book and looked at the title Fasting for Breakthrough and Deliverance by John Eckhardt.
I didn’t know what made me say yes, maybe the exhaustion, maybe the conviction in his voice, but by the end of the session, I agreed.
I underestimated how challenging it would be to go on my first fast. After giving it some thought and praying on it I felt led to do three days. Man… day one humbled me!
By 11 a.m., my stomach was loud enough to file a noise complaint. I was at work fighting for my life trying to keep busy while keeping my mind on God.
I had my headphones on anytime I was working alone so I could listen to sermons. Jaiden’s last YouTube video had led me to a Pastor in Atlanta that I gravitated towards, and I was binge-watching one of his church’s latest sermon series.
By 1 p.m., I was irritable. I smelled food from the break room and decided to take my lunch break in my car so I could lock in and read my bible.
It was crazy because I swear any other day, I could go without eating all day and it would not be an issue, but as soon as I made the decision to fast it was like my mind and body wanted to fight against me.
By dinner time, I was close to giving up.
As soon as 5:30 p.m. hit, I had a smoothie and a grilled chicken wrap already ordered through Doordash so it could arrive by 6pm in time for me to break my fast. But if I’m honest somewhere in that struggle…
I felt something shifting. Not a huge noticeable shift that I could pinpoint but something under the surface that I felt deep in my spirit.
Before the night ended, I sat down and prayed for my family, direction and of course for Simone.
“God… restore what’s broken. Heal the parts of us that never learned how to love right.
Cover my father and Lord… cover my mother.
I don’t know what she’s fighting… but meet her there.
Direct my steps. I’m tired of running in survival mode.
Show me where you want me. What purpose am I supposed to walk in?
Lead me, even when I’m stubborn. Cover Simone…
keep her safe. Protect her heart. Let her feel joy every morning.
Let her be surrounded by love and peace.
And if she’s hurting… comfort her in ways I can’t right now.
Even if we’re not together now or ever… bless her beyond measure and give her the desires of her heart. ”
Day two was worse physically, but better mentally, my spiritual senses seemed to be more heightened.
As I drove to work, it felt like things I’d never paid much attention to before were being highlighted, like God was speaking through nature, billboard signs and when I got off the expressway there was a man on the side of the road with a sign asking for spare change.
The traffic rushed past him, everyone in a hurry to get somewhere else. I've driven this route plenty of times and have seen plenty of people just like him. Usually, if I had cash on me, I’d hand over a few dollars and go about my day but this time I decided to pull over in a nearby parking lot.
I waved him over to where I was. He approached cautiously, like he wasn’t sure if this was about to be a blessing or a setup.
“Hey man, good morning, you ate breakfast yet?” I asked.
He shook his head slowly. “Nah. I ain’t really in the mood to eat yet.
Got this bad toothache. I’m just tryna get a few dollars so I can grab some painkillers.
” I winced in sympathy. Tooth pain was no joke—it could make the strongest person fold.
“Ok how about this. There’s a CVS like two blocks away I’ll walk with you over there and buy it for you.” “For real?” He asked, appearing shocked. “Yeah. Come on, I said as I began walking.