Chapter 20
Olive
Iroll over in bed, sadness engulfing me.
Tucking my hands under my cheek, I stare out the window.
The bright, happy sun taunts me as it shines through my open blinds.
I would give anything to be able to stay in my bed for the next couple of days until I have to fly out again.
Unfortunately, not leaving my bed for days will inevitably not make me feel better.
It usually leaves me even more depressed.
The last forty-eight hours run on a loop in my head.
My nervous system has whiplash from the highs and lows it’s experienced.
When I think about the night with Nate, my core heats.
My legs rub together restlessly. Even just the thought of Nate has lust flooding my body.
It’s pathetic to think it was one of the best nights of my life.
It might be the only one I get with him, but I’ll forever be grateful for the memories he gave me.
Then there was the concert.
I’m not sure if I’m surprised he confronted me or not.
I thought he might just let it drop since he got what he wanted, but I was caught off guard by the fact that he seemed to genuinely not want us to just have one night.
Maybe it was his ego talking, and he prefers to be the one who breaks things off, not the other way around, but it did nothing to help my resolve.
You know that’s probably not correct.
The butterflies wake up with me as I remember him coming to my rescue with that drunk jerk.
I know Nate is the kind of guy who would step in for anyone in need, but it felt more than him just doing what’s second nature to him.
The look in his eyes. The way he brushed my hand with his.
All of it felt like…something. And my traitorous heart skips a beat thinking about it.
What if I’m wrong? What if Nate is different?
That thought stirs memories of my last relationship.
He seemed like a great guy. He was kind and thoughtful.
He made me feel so special. Benny was in a really good place with his sobriety when I finally allowed them to meet.
While it was slightly uncomfortable, overall, it went well.
Six months into dating, Benny relapsed, and that’s when the reality of my life hit him in the face.
He brought me home from dinner and was going to stay the night.
Instead, we walked in on Benny unconscious and covered in vomit.
About two minutes after the ambulance left with Benny, my ex said he needed to go home for an early appointment he had the next day that he conveniently forgot about.
I never heard from him again. I reached out a few times, but gave up because I couldn’t deal with that while also trying to care for Benny.
He didn’t even try.
And he wasn’t the only guy to pull the disappearing act when the situation with Benny regressed.
Not that I blamed them. I love my brother, but sometimes, I also wish I could run away.
I wouldn’t ever do it, but it’s draining to be on this side of addiction.
Nothing compared to what Benny is going through, but it’s difficult all the same.
And I feel a much stronger connection with Nate than I ever have with any of the other men I’ve dated.
Not even just sexually. There’s just something about him that calls to a deeper part of me.
It would hurt so much more if he walked away after I got attached.
Or more attached, since I can’t deny that I’m already well on my way.
With a sigh, I roll out of bed. Worrying about Nate is a problem for another time. I have a couple of days to dwell, but right now, I need to get ready and see Benny.
I’m freshly showered and pulling my shirt over my head when I hear my phone ringing from my bedroom. That has me rushing across the hall. Not recognizing the number, I hesitate to answer. But I’m glad I do when Benny’s voice hits my ear as I connect the call.
“Olive.” His voice tears at my heart. The tortured pain in it rips me to shreds.
“Benny, what’s going on?” I ask, swallowing the emotion rising in my chest.
“I don’t want to be here.”
My legs give out, and I drop onto the bed. “Benny, please. You need to be there. It hasn’t been very long.”
“This place is awful.” This isn’t the first time he’s pulled the sympathy card, making me believe the staff treat him poorly or the other patients threaten him. It’s never the truth, but I’ve caved, nonetheless.
“I’m going to come see you today. Let me get dressed. I’ll be there in about thirty, and we can talk about it.” Desperation drips from every word. “Please, just don’t do anything before I get there.”
Silence.
“Benny. Please,” I beg, my heart beginning to race.
“Fine,” he agrees petulantly.
My body slumps as I exhale, and relief tingles through my limbs. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”
“Love you, Oli.”
I pull my legs up into the oversized chair to get more comfortable. Benny is lounging on his bed, his back propped against the wall. His coloring looks good. He’s put on a little more weight. I would be happy if it wasn’t for the misery bleeding from every one of his pores.
“So…” I start cautiously. “What’s been going on?”
He picks at his cuticles, avoiding my gaze.
My teeth clench in frustration. It’s times like this that I forget he’s only five years younger than my thirty-three. He seems so much younger when he gets in these moods.
“Benny, you need to talk to me.” It takes everything in me to keep my frustration from my voice.
His hands drop to his lap. “I want to go home.”
I press my lips together, trying to navigate this conversation. “I know you do. But considering what happened, I think you need to stay. I talked to your doctor, and she said you’re doing really well with your individual therapy and with your group sessions.”
“But I could do that in outpatient,” he complains.
My chest tightens. “No, Benny, you can’t.
We’ve tried that.” I feel the control slipping when I bite out, “Hell, we’ve tried this.
But here we are again. I need you to stay here.
” My voice rises with every word, and Benny’s eyes widen in response.
“We can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this,” I add on a whisper as tears slip down my cheeks.
Neither of us says anything for a few breaths.
Benny sniffs, his chin quivering. “I’m sorry, Olive.”
I shuffle across the room and climb on the bed next to him.
Pulling him against me,, and his arms go around my waist, holding on tight.
“I just want you to be okay, Benny. For good this time.” I smooth down his hair.
“And I get scared because I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to help you.”
As if my fear for Benny’s sobriety isn’t enough, there’s the whole Marcus and drug dealing money issue.
But I know Benny isn’t in a mental state where I can bring that up.
Even a single question could send him spiraling.
All I can do is hold him and hope that this time, my love and support are enough to keep him sober.
I’ll deal with this other problem on my own and in silence.
“I don’t know how to do that either. But I want to try.” He sits up and looks me in the eyes. Our shared traumas swirl together. “For you. I want to try for you.”
I shake my head sadly. “No, Benny. I need you to try for you.”
Stepping out of the doors of the facility, I suck in a lungful of air.
The weight of that visit is suffocating me, along with the early summer humidity.
What isn’t weighing me down is the few thousand dollars I left behind for my next installment payment for his treatment.
I hike my purse higher over my shoulder as I cross the parking lot.
I already made a much smaller payment to Marcus before heading to see Benny.
Thank goodness, I have ramen noodles at home.
By the time I get back to my apartment, I’m ready to crawl back into bed for a nap.
My eyes feel like they’re crossing with from emotionally depleted I am.
It’s always like this in the weeks following a relapse.
There are just so many emotions running rampant through my system that they take a physical toll on me.
Add to that the feelings from the night with Nate, and very little sleep the last few nights, and I’m functioning on empty.
I don’t bother changing before I’m under the covers, letting my mind wander.
A small smile lingers on my lips as my time with Nate replays in my mind again. Me against the wall. Him between my legs. His sweet words and gentle caresses. Just as I’m getting to the best part, Marcus’s pitying smile intrudes, reminding me of my fucked-up life.
Turning over with a huff, I try to get Marcus and his boss out of my mind, but they stay there, looming until I slip into an unsettled sleep.
I suck in a startled breath when my ringing cell phone rips me from my nap. Disoriented by the setting sun casting shadows across my room, I dig my phone out from where it slipped between the covers while I slept.
When I see the name, I connect the call. “Hi, Cade,” I answer as cheerfully as I can muster.
“Hey, babe. Come out with me tonight. I want to get dinner and drinks.”
“Oh, I don’t think so.” I decide to be partially honest. “Money is a little tight right now. I should probably just stay home.”
“Absolutely not. It’s almost your birthday. It’s on me tonight. So, no excuse.”
“Cade, my birthday is in five months.”
“I said almost,” he answers matter of factly. “I’m not taking no for an answer. So you might as well start getting ready.”
I sigh and drop my chin to my chest. Cade can be very insistent, so I know there’s no winning this. “Fine, you win. I’ll go out.”
“Yay! Okay, I’m sending you a ride to pick you up so you can drink. Be ready in one hour.”
“Thanks, I owe you.”
“Yes, and you’re repaying me by not letting me be a loser who goes out by myself. Now, stop talking and go get ready! One hour, Olive. Do not be late!” And with those parting words, he disconnects.
I roll my eyes as I do as he demands.