17
Penny
By the time I reach the duck pond, I’m no less pissed. If anything, I’m more pissed. Which really irritates me, because this is where I come to calm down and now it’s ruined!
You can’t blame someone for leaving you if you push them out the door.
Evie’s words run through my head over and over.
How is this my fault?
I didn’t push him out the damn door, I just…
Shit. Did I? I mean, technically, I walked out of his door…
Beckett’s words quickly replace Evie’s. “Our relationship came with a rule book, Penny. First, I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about us, then, when they all eventually found out we were sleeping together, I wasn’t allowed to tell them how serious we were.”
Was he right? Did I destroy us before he did?
No.
Fuck that.
I didn’t force him to go to his place of work, get trashed, and then have his ex-fiancé give him a private show.
Without thinking twice, I pull my phone from my pocket, scroll through my contacts and hit call, ignoring the fact that even after everything, dialling the number feels so completely natural.
“Pen?” Beckett answers after two rings. “You okay?”
“You’re the one who messed everything up!” I cry into the phone, pressing it firmly against my ear. “Not me!
I hear a sharp inhale of breath and then a deep sigh before he speaks again. “Yeah, Love. I know.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
I called for an argument. For a bit of back and forth. But instead he’s got to be all mature and cool headed.
The wanker.
“Well,” I start, looking around to make sure no one else is nearby as I continue down the concrete path that runs the entire length of the pond. “Good.”
When the silence between us lingers a little too long, I take my phone away from my ear and check the screen to make sure he hasn’t hung up on me. “Where are you?” he asks, just as I place the device back against my face.
“Why?”
“You sound upset.”
I scoff and throw myself down on a wooden bench facing the water, needing to sit for this conversation. “I’m not upset, I’m…” I take a moment, close my eyes, tilt my head back so that the sun can warm my skin, and I think of the correct word to describe how I’m feeling in this moment. “I’m frustrated.”
“With me?” The sound of a door closing follows his question.
“Yes, with you! With everyone.” I pause and take a breath before asking, “Why would you go to Molly’s house before I had a chance to tell her? Was it to purposely fuck me over? To get her on your side?”
“No,” he replies. “I just…”
“You just ?”
He sighs. “I went home after our appointment, and I don’t know, Pen. The house was all dark and quiet. There was no smell of freshly baked muffins, no shoes sitting by the door for me to trip over, and no overly loud music playing. I was lonely , so I got a beer, and sat on the right-hand side of the couch, ‘cos the left is yours, but that only made me feel worse, so I moved to the dining table, and the first thing I saw was that photo of the two of us at Brewery Lane , you know the one we hung above that old school telephone table you found on the side of the road?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, my frustration simmering down.
“So, I was looking at that, and I just… I started thinking about you taking photos like that with some other guy. About you falling for some other guy. Then I pictured you raising our son with someone else. Becoming a family with him, and not me. I freaked. I needed someone to talk to. I needed some advice, and before I knew what I was doing, I was knocking on Molly’s door.”
“And what did she tell you do to?”
“She told me to be there. To be patient.”
I huff and nod, even though he can’t see me. “She thinks I should forgive you,” I say. “Her and Evie both do. I can tell.”
He hums into the phone. “And what do you think, Pen?” he asks, his voice low and deep. “That’s sure as shit all I care about.”
A beautiful brunette, walking alongside the water, pushing a dark grey stroller with a radiant smile on her face, catches my attention, and I watch her for a moment as she gets closer. She looks so blissfully happy. So unbothered by the world.
“I don’t want things to be this hard,” I whisper into the phone, my eyes still on the stranger.
“Me either.”
I scoff as my frustration reignites. “You’re the one making this hard.”
Why did I even call him?
“Not my intention, but I’m not going to apologise for fighting for you. For us . I’m not going to give up, no matter how messy this gets.”
I snort, because really? As if him doing exactly that isn’t the reason we’re in this situation.
But that’s not entirely true, is it?
You can’t blame someone for leaving you if you push them out the door.
I practically moved in with the man and made him keep it a secret. Honestly, I didn’t want anyone to know that he got to me. That he made me fall in love with him.
Fuck sakes.
“So, what do we do then?” I ask, watching the woman pause to lean over her stroller and smile at her baby.
“What do you want to do?”
“I think we need to learn how to communicate better…”
Ironic of me to say, considering I just called him and started yelling without so much as a ‘hello’, but still true.
“I agree.”
“And maybe… maybe we need to try to be friends.” I cringe at the thought. “Or friends-ly. I guess. For him, you know? For the baby.”
I may have turned out like my mum; a jaded single mother. But I sure as shit don’t want to be the reason my son hates his father the way I do mine.
Beckett isn’t a bad guy.
Or he wasn’t.
Fuck, did I make him a bad guy?
The line is silent for a moment as my mind continues to race, and then he says, “No.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I’ve never lied to you before, Penny, and I’m not about to start. I have no intention of being your friend, so I’m not going to agree to doing so, just to appease you. You’re pissed at me. I deserve it. I can carry that, but you also love me, even if you refuse to accept the fact. So, no. We can’t be friends.”
“Why do you have to be so goddamn difficult?” I ask loud enough to startle the brunette. She looks over at me, and I avert my gaze, pretending as if she’s not there. When Beckett doesn’t respond, I pull the phone back from my ear and look down. “You infuriating bastard,” I grumble when I realise he ended the call.
I drop my phone onto the bench beside me, and then, just to top off a really shitty start to the day, it starts vibrating, and my mother’s face lights up the screen.
I watch the phone ring, until eventually it stops, and the missed call notification replaces my mother’s photo. I contemplate calling her back, but then the perfect distraction arrives.
“Aunty P!”
I turn my head to see Emma sprinting at me, the skirt of her blue and white stripped dress blowing in the wind, and Ryan following closely behind. The concern on his face as he chases after her makes it impossible to not smile at the sight.
Immediately, I stand, ready to catch her, and the second she makes impact, I wrap her in my arms. “Hi, baby,” I whisper as I lift her, and she nuzzles her face into the crook of my neck.
Oh man, I needed an Emma cuddle today.
“We going to feed da duckies!” she cheers, pushing at my chest until she has enough room to look up at me.
“Oh, you are?” I ask, just as Ryan reaches my side.
“Mhmm,” she replies, nodding enthusiastically before lowering her voice to a whisper. “Daddy said we aren’t awowed to feed dem bweads, so we bwaught dem peas.”
“Well, aren’t they some lucky ducks?”
She giggles and wriggles in my hold until I put her down. Quickly, she dashes over to Ryan, who is standing back, looking hesitant to approach any further, and grabs the bag of frozen peas from his hand.
As she runs toward the edge of the pond, he jerks forward as if to chase her. “She’s fine,” I say, stopping him. “She’s been feeding the ducks since before she could walk. She knows not to go too far.”
He watches as she stops four steps back from the edge, like I taught her, and shoves her little fist into the open bag in her hand. Ryan visibly relaxes, and after a moment, he turns his head to me and gives me an unsure smile. “You alright?”
I shrug. “Sure.”
He clears his throat and says, “Congratulations. On the, um, the baby.”
I snort as he squirms in his spot. “Thanks.”
We stand there in silence for a moment, listening to Emma giggle and talk to the ducks as they all dive for the peas she’s scattered across the water’s surface before we both move back to the bench and take a seat.
“I’m assuming there isn’t much you don’t know about what’s going on?” I ask, keeping my eyes on Em.
“I know enough,” he replies gruffly. “I also know Beckett. Really fucking well.”
Something about the way he says it sounds almost accusatory, but I try to keep my cool, not wanting Emma to witness me snapping at her new favourite person. “Oh, yeah?”
He sighs and leans back, resting against the wooden planks of the bench. “Yep. He’s the best man I know, hands down. Do anything for you once he loves you. I also know he can be a real dickhead when he wants to be.” I huff at the comment and then turn my head to look at him, only to find his eyes already on me. “Not going to tell you what to do, Penny. We aint that close. But if you’re willing to listen to my two cents, I’ll give ‘em.”
I look at Emma, then at Ryan, just long enough to nod my head before returning my gaze to the little girl now sitting on the grass and telling her duck friends a story.
“Beckett knows he fucked up. You should have seen him the night he stumbled back into the shop after… well, after everything that went down. I’ve seen him a lotta ways over the years; Pissed, happy, sad, drunk, sober, irritated. Never seen him so fucking disappointed in himself as he was then. As he is now. Never seen him grieve the way he is, either.” He pauses, and I try to interject, but the expression on his face as he turns to me stops me. “His ex is the worst kind of woman. Did a number on him; not the relationship ending, but the way she treated him. Never seen him look at anyone the way he does you, though, in all the years I’ve known him.” I nod and he adds, “I know a little about your father and your opinion of men.” I grit my teeth to prevent myself from saying something I’ll regret. “Despite your beliefs, we aint all the same.” I bite my tongue to stop myself from pointing out what he did to Molly, and what Beckett’s done to me. “He is the best man I know,” he says slowly. “He’s going to be one hell of a dad, and he loves you.” My entire body goes rigid, but before I can say anything, he raises his hands in surrender. “That’s all I’ll say on the matter.”
“Noted,” I mutter, as he turns back to watch his little girl, and I let his words roll around in my head for a second before doing the same. “Hate to admit it, but I can see why Molly likes you,” I mumble.
He chuckles from beside me and dips his chin in agreement. “Yeah. Back at ya.”