Chapter 43 ALEX #3
He leans back in his chair and drags his hands down his face, sighing heavily.
“I’m just having a hard time acknowledging that she might be right about some of it.
It’s all so fucking different from how I feel, but that’s the big problem, right?
I’m painfully aware that I’m not the most in touch with reality when it comes to you or this relationship.
I’m really worried that it is bad for you, but I have no fucking idea.
She seems to think it’s not good for me, but that’s because she’s a fucking idiot. ” He laughs bitterly.
I look out at the river, considering what he's saying. I’ve been trying to focus on myself – what I want, what I need, how I feel, and if this is right for me – but I’ve never even considered that us dating might be bad for Theo.
My heart catches in my throat and I swallow it down, trying not to panic.
“Well, what do you think about what she’s saying? Would it be better for you if we didn’t keep doing this? Is that what you want?”
Theo goes very still, staring at me intensely.
“I want to prioritize what’s right for you,” he says slowly, his voice apprehensive but warm. Something loosens inside of me, and a rush of affection for him passes through me.
“I appreciate that, but I care about you, and I want to know what you want.” Everything about Theo’s demeanor sharpens and his gaze becomes deadly serious as he leans forward towards me.
“Alex, I want you.” My stomach flips and my breath catches at the intensity behind his words.
“I want everything from you, and I want it right fucking now. I hate this dating bullshit we’re doing.
I can’t stand being away from you for a second and I miss you all the fucking time.
I try not to think about you, but it’s all I do.
I can’t even go an hour without thinking about you, and that’s on a good day.
Dr. Mills says I’m supposed to do things for myself, but I’d rather do everything for you.
Fuck, I’m only even working on myself in therapy because you want me to.
I want to give you everything you want, but I want you to want this.
I want you to wa-” He clears his throat and looks away from me, staring at his feet, and I can feel tears pricking behind my eyes.
“Listen, I think Dr. Mills might have a point that it’s a bad idea for you to be with me, but I’m too fucking selfish to walk away from you. I can’t do it. I don’t deserve you, but you’re all I want, so I’ll take whatever you’re offering me.”
I look away from him, blinking quickly to keep my tears from falling.
I sit back in my chair, pulling my hair up into a ponytail and taking it out repeatedly just to have something to do with my hands as I watch the cargo ships drift slowly up and down the river, working through my feelings and trying to keep from crying.
I wasn’t ready to have this conversation with him, but it’s already happening, so I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, bracing myself.
“Theo, I think your therapist is right that I shouldn’t be seeing you.
” I hear him stop breathing, but I can’t look at him.
“I can see that you’re trying hard to be better, and whether you’re doing it for me or not doesn’t matter, because it’s good for you either way.
No matter how much work you do, though, you still fucking stalked me and forced me into a relationship.
You took over my whole life, a life I had just started to build after escaping Danny, and that sucked.
I mean, it sucked so badly that I pushed you to get you to kill me, just so I could get away from you. ”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him place his head in his hands, his knees jumping so hard that his whole body shakes.
“Oh, my fucking god,” he mutters under his breath over and over, his voice panicky, and I feel a slight pang of guilt. He apparently hadn’t put that together, and this was the wrong time to tell him. I give him a minute to calm down before I take a deep breath and continue.
“It’s my choice what to do here, Theo, and I’m trying to make sure that if I choose this for myself, it’s something I do completely outside of how you’re feeling.
Part of why I’m going slow with you is to give myself every opportunity to walk away from you, which I know I should.
” I can see him watching me closely out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t look at him or I’ll start sobbing.
I look upwards at the porch roof instead, trying to keep it together.
“I’m not stupid enough to think dating my former stalker is a good idea.
I know that I shouldn’t be with you. I’ve weighed out all the pros and cons and you lose every time, by a huge fucking margin.
I know the right move, the smart move, is to walk away from you, and I’m trying so hard to be smart about this.
” I take a shaking breath and finally look over at his shocked and devastated face.
“It’s not working, Theo, it’s just not.” His face goes blank and his whole body starts to shake, and I can’t help laughing a little.
“Teddy, I’ve thought about this so much, and I’m done giving a shit about what I should do.
” His eyes widen as his face shifts from devastation to confusion.
“I should have left you in Yachats, but I didn’t.
I shouldn’t have given you a chance, but I did.
I should get up and walk away from you right now, but I’m not going to.
I only care about what I want to do, and I want you.
” Theo looks like he’s going to cry, and I can feel my eyes start to water too.
“I have all the choices in my life back, and now I get to choose you.”
Theo stares at me for a long minute, and I can see he’s trying to figure out whether this is real.
“Alex, are you fucking serious?” His voice is soft and disbelieving. I laugh a little and shrug, wiping away the tears forming on my lash line.
“Of course. I meant it when I told you I’d choose you if I had the option.” His expression softens into something completely vulnerable and hopeful, and his eyes roam over me, landing on my lips, and he starts leaning towards me, slowly crossing from his space to mine.
Fear lances through me as he leans forward, and I jerk away from him, standing up and stumbling back a few steps. He looks confused and hurt, and I shake my head, wrapping my arms around myself to attempt to contain how I’m feeling.
This is exactly what I want, but I know everything is going to change the second he touches me. We’re about to be together, really together, and I don’t know if I’m ready.
I’ve never been in love before.
It’s fucking terrifying.
I stare at him, trying to explain. “Theo, I want this, but it’s…it’s so much, all at once, and things…I don’t…I wasn’t ready…I want you, I’m just…I need…” I drag in a harsh breath and trail off, unsure I can explain my feelings.
Theo’s frozen, leaning forward in his chair, scrutinizing my face, and I’m glued to the spot under the weight of his gaze.
He finally gives me a knowing smile and gets to his feet, walking towards me slowly and stopping in front of me, so close we’re almost touching.
His eyes are fixed on mine and he’s so focused, so intense, so overwhelming.
I missed this.
“You don’t have to be scared, sweetheart,” he says quietly. I stare up at him, my arms tightening around my waist to keep from grabbing him.
“We’re taking this slowly,” I breathe out unconvincingly. Theo raises one eyebrow at me in amusement as he bends toward me, bringing his face close to mine.
“Oh, I can take you slowly,” he teases, grinning when I laugh a little. I look down at my feet and shake my head.
“I should leave,” I say, my voice shaky. Theo places two fingers under my chin and tips it back until I’m looking at him again, and he searches my face intently. I can feel myself blushing under the intensity of his gaze, and a small, crooked smile appears on his face.
“You don’t want to leave, do you?” I shake my head a little, and his face becomes satisfied and smug. He’s entirely himself again in this moment, and I love him like this. “That’s my fucking girl,” he whispers, and my heart skips a beat. “Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.”
I can’t keep myself from reaching for him, and his body tenses as my hands drift up his chest and wind in the hair at the nape of his neck.
It’s even longer now, which I like, and I focus on the feeling of his hair in my fingers as I figure out how to tell him what I want.
He looks down at me, barely blinking as we stare at each other, and any defenses I had left crumble as I look up at him.
“Theo, I want to go home,” I whisper. He looks at me intently for a moment before his eyes widen, and his smile softens from smug to something surprised and tender. He winds his arms around my waist and drags me against him as he hovers his lips over mine, his words almost inaudible.
“Welcome home.” I melt into him, tilting my face up a fraction of an inch and grazing my lips against his.
My entire body is a live wire the second I kiss him, and the kiss immediately deepens to something frantic and hungry.
His hands come to my ass as he bends down to pick me up, groaning as he pulls my body flush against his.
My legs lock around his hips, and my arms wind around my neck as I kiss him.
I grip his hair and the back of his shirt and his neck as I pull him closer.