Chapter 54 THEO
THEO
I don’t know what day it is when I’m called to the visitation room, but I saw Dr. Mills two days ago, so it’s probably Elise coming to ask about the plea deal.
When I’m led to the public visitation room instead of the private one, I assume it’s Catherine or Bailey, who both visited when I first arrived.
I freeze the second I enter the room, and everything else disappears instantly.
It’s Alex.
It’s been two and a half months since I’ve seen her, and she’s so fucking beautiful, but she looks terrible.
She’s in a dark green dress with long sleeves, but it’s too loose on her.
She’s noticeably thinner and worryingly pale with dark circles under her eyes.
Her nose is slightly crooked now, and the scar across the bridge is still a swollen dark pink.
Her roots have grown out and her nails are all bitten to the quick, and she looks beyond exhausted.
I don’t know why she’s here, but she’s here.
She tenses up the second she sees me, but I can’t understand her expression at all. Her face is blank, but her gaze is sharp and exacting as I walk towards her slowly. We sit there, staring at each other for a long time, and hopeless longing churns in my stomach.
I know what I want to say to her if she gives me the chance, but she probably won’t.
I have no idea what she wants to say to me, but I know it won’t be good.
I don’t think either of us know how to start, so I wait for her to talk first, mostly so I can enjoy the last few minutes I get in her presence before she destroys me.
“You’re not a shitty liar after all,” she says finally, her voice as flat and indecipherable as her expression.
I wince. “I didn’t know how to tell you about the tracker.” She looks at me blankly, cocking her head to the side slightly.
“You lied in the car,” she says slowly, and I go cold.
“You said if I stayed with you, everything would be okay.” Her voice breaks on the last word and her mask cracks, leaving her looking miserable.
She swallows hard, her eyes tearing up as she looks away from me.
“Nothing’s okay,” she whispers. She’s trying hard not to cry, and I sit there speechless, what’s left of my heart breaking as I watch her try to hide her feelings from me.
I’m dying to comfort her, but I know I can’t.
It’s painful to see her like this, to know I let this happen to her, but at least I get to see her one last time.
She’s miserable now, but she won’t be forever.
I might have fucked up her life, but I killed Danny, and I’ll leave her everything after I kill myself, so now she’ll have a real chance to start over.
She’ll build something new for herself and be happy again someday, and she’ll find someone who loves her.
Whoever she chooses will be so fucking lucky to be loved by her.
It just won’t be me.
“Your lawyer wants me to testify on your behalf,” Alex says in a hard voice, and I shake my head quickly.
“I don’t expect you to do that.” She stares at me, raising one eyebrow slightly. “I mean it. You don’t owe me anything, Alex. I’m just so fucking glad you’re alive, and I’m so grateful that you’re even here. Thank you for coming.” She frowns at me.
“Theo, I-” The guard cuts her off by telling the visitors they have thirty minutes, and she sighs and shakes her head before taking a deep breath.
I know what’s coming, and I can’t handle it.
I think it might kill me.
“Theo, I’m -”
“Don’t.” She closes her mouth, her brows knitting together as she frowns at me.
“Will you just listen to me first, please?” She narrows her eyes and stares at me for a long moment before she nods, and relief washes through me.
She’s giving me one last chance to be honest with her, so I start talking quickly.
“There’s no way you would have given me a chance if I told you about the tracker, but I was way too fucking selfish to give up a chance with you, so I lied.
I didn’t know what the fuck else to do. I felt bad that I was lying to you, but you would have left me if you knew I’d lied to you, and I didn’t want you to leave me.
I promise that I was going to take it out and tell you about it, I fucking swear I was, but I’m glad I lied about it.
You would have made me take it out, and then you wouldn’t be sitting here.
” Alex’s face slides back into that blank mask, but her eyes are sharp and focused on mine, so I drag in a breath and keep going.
“I’m sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry that I failed you and didn’t protect you from Danny, and I’m sorry that you’re in pain, and I’m so fucking sorry that I hurt you, but I’m not sorry about anything else I’ve done, not a single fucking thing.
We’re connected, and I knew that, and I was right to do what I did.
I was right to stalk you, I was right to start our relationship when I did, how I did, I was right to put that fucking tracker in you, and I was right to lie about it.
You’re alive because I did all of that, so I’m not sorry about any of it.
” She scoffs and raises her eyebrows a little bit, and I lean forward slightly and lower my voice to a whisper, looking into her eyes.
“I’m especially not sorry about killing Danny.
You should know I was going to do it anyway, after I got off parole.
He deserved to die for what he did to you as a kid, much less every other fucking thing he ever did to you, and I’m so fucking happy I got to make him suffer.
” Her eyes widen in surprise, and I drag in a ragged breath, terrified she’s about to walk away after hearing that.
“Sweetheart, I thought you were fucking dead. I saw you lying there, and my entire world ended. I have nightmares about you dying every night.” I can feel the tears starting, and I try to fight them off.
“I thought us being connected meant we were supposed to be together, but if the only reason we’re connected is because I was supposed to get rid of Danny for you and get you to that fucking hospital, I’m okay with that.
It’s honestly the only thing I’ve ever done right in my life, besides loving you.
I’m glad I got to do something good for you, at least.” I can’t stop the tears at this point, and I wipe them away quickly before I keep talking.
“I know you hate me, but I’m grateful you’re here anyway, and I’m so grateful you’re even listening to me right now. I know you’re going to walk out that door and I’m never going to see you again, so I need you to know how much I fucking love you.” Her lips purse slightly, and I wince.
She definitely hates me.
“I know I fucked everything up from the start, but loving you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I tried to give you the option to love me the way you wanted, I really did.
I know you never got to love me back, not really, but for that brief moment you thought you did, it was so fucking amazing.
You’re so good at loving people, Alex, and you’re going to be the best part of someone’s life.
You were the best part of mine.” I look away from her quickly, wiping my eyes again before looking back at her blank, unfeeling face.
“I’m so fucking glad you’re alive, Alex, and all I want is for you to be happy.
You deserve all the love and happiness in the fucking world, and I hope you get it.
” Her eyes widen and I watch as she cocks her head to the side a little, frowning at me, saying nothing.
I wipe my face and try to breathe, grateful that she let me say all that to her face instead of the uncertainty of knowing whether she’d read the letter I wrote to her.
I memorize her as she contemplates me intently, and we sit there for a few long, uncomfortably silent minutes before she closes her eyes and sighs, shaking her head slightly and letting out a huff of air that might be a laugh in a different situation.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?” Her voice is quiet and shaky, and for just a second, she sounds almost exasperated. I can’t help but smile at her a little bit.
“You just figured that out?” It slips out of my mouth before I can stop myself, and her face flushes as she looks at me, blinking once before her eyes narrow.
She takes a deep breath, exhaling hard as she leans across the table towards me, and my faint smile slides off my face as she gets ready to fucking obliterate me.
“No, Theodore, I figured it out when the doctors pulled a fucking tracker out of me,” she snaps.
“You’re not sorry for that, right? Well, I’m not sorry for shutting you out.
I’m sure you’ve been a fucking wreck, but I don’t give a shit.
I needed space to figure out how I felt about everything that happened, how I felt about you, and you know what?
I’m so fucking furious with you and all your bullshit.
Against my better judgment, I chose to trust you, to love you, and what did you do?
You lied to me constantly and broke my fucking heart.
” Her voice cracks on the last word, and I stop breathing.
The black hole inside of me starts pulling in everything that’s left of me, leaving only cold, bitter numbness.
I’m going to kill myself the second I leave this room.
“Please just try to remember that I loved you, okay?” I beg quietly. She looks, for one second, almost concerned before she rolls her eyes at me and passes her hands over her face, letting out an irritated sigh.
God, she really fucking hates me.
“What do you think is real right now?” I stare at her, numb but slightly confused.
“Alex, I’m not delusional anymore. I know what’s real. I know I fucked everything up, I know you hate me, and I know this is the last time I’ll ever see you.” I don’t think there’s a point in me telling her that I love her again, so I don’t.
She stares at me for a long moment before her face softens a little.