Chapter 54 THEO #2
“You’re still delusional,” she mutters quietly, and I watch her closely, trying to figure out what she’s saying.
“I’m so fucking angry with you, but that doesn’t mean I hate you.
I mean, I do hate you a little bit right now, but not really.
The only reason I even get to be mad at you is because of you and your stupid stalker bullshit, and I’m so grateful for that.
” She glances down at her hands quickly, drawing in a sharp breath before looking up at me with wide, teary eyes.
“I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for saving my life,” she says, her voice quiet and warm, and the numbness is suddenly replaced by sharp, painful longing.
Her breath hitches and she wraps her arms around herself, and I wish I could touch her one last time.
“Theo, I…I knew I was dying, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to live. I was…I think I was almost gone before you showed up.” She lets out a sharp exhale and shakes her head.
“I didn’t think you were going to find me, but you did.
I hate to admit it, but your stupid lie saved my life.
” A small, dangerous amount of hope starts to blossom in the center of my chest, and I raise my eyebrows in surprise. She shrugs, turning away from me.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me you put that fucking thing in me.
You had so many chances.” I cringe and she takes a deep breath, still not looking at me.
“Nothing would have changed for me if you’d told me about the tracker, Theo.
Nothing. I still would have given you a chance.
You should have believed me when I told you I wanted to love you. ”
The hope withers away as she looks back at me, quickly brushing tears from her cheeks.
“I hate that you lied to me, but what broke my heart was that you didn’t love me enough to trust me.
I wanted you so badly, and I spent weeks and weeks trying to talk myself out of it, but you were all I wanted the whole time.
Why couldn’t you have just trusted me?” I look down at my hands as I start to feel numb again.
“I don’t…I just…” I trail off, trying to swallow down the guilt lodged in my throat.
“I’m so sorry for hurting you,” I whisper.
I can’t think of anything else to say. She’s quiet for a minute before she lets out a long, loose exhale.
In my periphery, I see her lean further across the table towards me, but I can’t look at her anymore.
I’m tired of seeing how much I’ve hurt her.
“I forgive you.”
What the fuck did she just say?
My eyes snap up to hers, and I’m deeply confused when I see her soft, adoring expression. “I’m going to yell at you the next time we talk, though. I think I’ve earned that,” she says, the corner of her mouth quirking up.
I stare at her, my mind skipping. “What?”
She smiles at me a little. “You know I can be angry at you and still want you, right?” I stare at her mouth in confusion.
I know that’s a lie, so I must have missed her teeth on her lip.
She studies my face as I struggle to smother the hope I’m starting to feel again, and she gives me a small, warm smile.
“I don’t hate you, Teddy. I love you.” Her teeth don’t touch her lip as she speaks, and my brain shuts down entirely.
Alex looks almost amused as I stare at her.
There’s no way this is happening.
This is fucking impossible.
“This is real,” she whispers, and I shake my head slowly.
I don’t think it’s real. I think it’s a dream, or another delusion, but I’ll take it no matter what it is.
I lean over the table and reach for her, gently cupping her face in my hands as I kiss her.
It’s fragile and tentative, barely even a kiss, but my entire body feels like it’s on fire when our lips meet.
It’s like the feeling I had the first time I kissed her, but infinitely stronger, resonating in every nerve.
The only thing that permeates the feeling of our connection is the overwhelming certainty that it’s real.
Alex’s hands come up to mine, her thumbs brushing softly over the skin on the inside of my wrists, and there’s no black hole inside of me anymore, there’s only this, there’s only her.
She makes a soft, content noise and I lean farther into her, deepening the kiss as I chase after that small sign of her happiness.
Someone whistles and a guard yells at me, telling me to let her go, but I can’t.
I’m not letting go of her ever again.
Alex gently pulls my hands away and breaks the kiss, pouting just a little as she looks at the guard.
I’m so shocked that I can’t say anything, so I just stare at her as I sit back down.
She stares back, her light brown eyes brimming with tears, and I can feel our connection humming between us, deeper and more complete than it’s ever been.
She smiles at me again, tapping my foot with hers, and I trap one of her ankles between mine, desperate to hold her in any way that I can. She huffs out a soft laugh and I have no idea how to react besides grinning at her like a fucking idiot, which is precisely what I do.
She reaches up to wipe tears from her face and I can see scars from the handcuffs peeking out from her sleeve, which instantly grounds me.
This might be real, but I still fucked everything up.
I’m in jail, I’m probably headed back to prison, Alex has been through something unimaginable, and it’s all my fault.
Wait, why the fuck does she still love me?
“Visitors, time to go!” I stand up quickly to help Alex up.
I don’t know how much pain she’s in, so I keep my touch light as I pull her close as gently as I can, every point of contact between us burning.
Alex leans into me, her hands coming up to the sides of my face and her thumbs grazing over my temples as she pulls me down towards her.
“I love you,” she whispers against my lips. “You’re mine.” I feel dizzy when she kisses me. The guard snaps at us and I reluctantly let her go, holding on to any part of her as long as I can before she leaves.
***
I call Elise the second I’m allowed to use the phone and start talking rapidly, letting her know that I refuse to take the ten year plea deal she’s been negotiating, that under no circumstances can I go back to prison, that she needs to do whatever she can to get me the fuck out of here immediately, and that they can take me off suicide watch now.
Elise is quiet for a second, then laughs softly. “Would you be surprised if I told you I had a similar conversation with Alex about an hour and a half ago?” I can’t help the manic laughter that spills out of me.
“Surprised is a fucking understatement. I don’t care what you have to do, who you have to hire, or what hoops I have to jump through, but I need to go home. Now.”
Elise hums. “I’ll be there Monday to discuss our options, but you cannot make a snap decision.
Trial is the only way you get out of serving time, but if you’re found guilty, your best case scenario is ten years.
Judge Ramstead isn’t known for lenient sentencing.
” I groan. “And no matter what we do, Alex needs to submit a statement or testify.” I shake my head even though Elise can’t see me.
“Absolutely not. I’m not making her talk about what happened.”
“You realize she’s your entire case, right?”
“You have no idea what happened to her.”
“I’ve read the hospital reports and I’ve spoken to you, so I know that I’ll need to hire a trauma therapist to help me prepare her for whatever we need from her.”
“No.”
“Take it up with her. She told me she’ll do it, whether you like it or not.
” I laugh a little, shaking my head. She’s so fucking stubborn.
Elise is quiet for a long moment, then sighs again.
“Theo, you know that if we go to trial, you won’t be able to speak to her until the trial is over, right? ” I stop smiling instantly.
“Why the fuck not?”
“It could be seen as witness tampering.”
“For how long?”
“It could take months,” she says slowly, “maybe even a year.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” The guard snaps at me for yelling so loudly.
***
“You seem different today.” I shrug, not saying anything, and Dr. Mills waits patiently for a minute before trying again. “Your lawyer’s put in a request to have you taken off suicide watch. What’s changed?” I raise my eyebrows at her.
“I don’t want to die anymore,” I say slowly, enunciating every syllable and giving her a tight, condescending smile. Dr. Mills closes her eyes briefly, exhaling what sounds like a laugh.
“Thank you, Theodore, I’d gathered that,” she says, sounding slightly amused. “Would you care to tell me why not?”
“Are you seriously this stupid?” Her eyebrows shoot up in reproach.
“Excuse me?” Her tone is sharp and no longer amused, and I smile a little.
“I asked you if you’re fucking stupid,” I say slowly, and the corners of her mouth tighten.
“May I ask why?”
“Because you’re a shitty fucking therapist,” I snap, and she looks at me curiously.
“I’ve been saddled with you for almost a year, and you’ve spent every minute trying to make me feel like some insane, damaged fuck up.
The only reason I’ve ever participated is because of Alex, and you used that to get in my fucking head.
I even believed you for a minute, honestly, and it made me miserable.
” Dr. Mills considers me for a long moment, nodding faintly.
“You’re fucking wrong about me, by the way.
” She sighs, looking down at the notepad in her lap, and I look over her head at the clock behind her.
Time seems to pass so slowly whenever I’m around her.
“I think there’s a lot to unpack there,” she says gently. “I’d like to come back to it in a minute, but I’m going to hazard a guess and say you’ve spoken to Alex recently?”
“No shit.”
“How do you think it went?” My eyes snap back to hers, and I can’t help but smile.