Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
R alph had to get Karen home to relieve the babysitter, who was pulling double duty with both Cary and Kyle, so Gary and I volunteered to stay behind and help Janet and Jack clean up.
As I was helping Gary fold the map, I glimpsed Janet and Jack out of the corner of my eye. They were across the bookstore near the information desk, laughing and talking. The sight of the two of them so happy and content made me sick to my stomach.
As I was sweeping Cheetos crumbs into a dustpan, Gary pulled me aside. “Maybe he isn’t so bad after all? Maybe we were wrong?”
I took another chug of jalapeno lager, then opened my mouth as wide as possible to let the air cool my tongue. “Maybe.”
Jack’s game had been flawless, always two steps ahead. He was like Bill Belichek with a camcorder. It was as if he knew what play we were going to call as soon as we broke the huddle. As much as I hated to admit it, Gary was right. Jack had made all the right moves. He was kind, he was thoughtful, he was generous. Sir Jack the Badass. Perhaps the name suited him after all. “He was kind of … perfect.”
“They do seem happy together,” said Gary. The sound of Janet and Jack’s laughter carried across the shelves like nails on a chalkboard.
“You okay?” Gary asked.
I wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay any more. It took every ounce of my being not to scream.
Gently, Gary pried the jalapeno lager cup from my grip. “Janet promised Mike we would let him know what we thought,” I explained. “It’s my scientific duty to use proper size sampling.”
“I think, maybe, you’ve sampled enough.”
Gary set aside the cup and took my hands in his. The touch of his fingertips sent a sizzle down my center. “Maybe you should sit down for a minute.” A soothing warmth radiated from Gary’s hands into my hands. Up my arms. Into my head. I caught myself studying the curves of his shoulders like there was going to be a pop quiz later. “Mary?”
I had to close my eyes to keep the world from spinning. Too much jalapeno lager. Way too much. How scientific of me.
“Mary, look at me.” I didn’t want to look at Gary, but my eyes opened anyway. I could feel my hands still wrapped inside his hands. And for some reason, I still hadn’t pulled away. “If Janet sees us like this, she might get the wrong idea. You’ll blow your chances.”
“I don’t want to be with Janet,” said Gary. “I want to be with you.” His eyes sparked, little fireworks blasting off inside the whirlpools.
It was like watching one of those romance movies on the big screen, munching on popcorn and sipping a Coke. Look up there. This is the big declaration. Where the hero declares his feelings for the heroine. And oh, hey look, the heroine is me.
Or maybe it wasn’t a romance movie, it was a horror movie. Or a comedy movie. Maybe a mutant combination of all three.
For several seconds, or minutes, or decades, neither one of us blinked. “Mary?” Gary was still standing in front of me. And this wasn’t a movie. It was very much real life. “Say something.”
“I have to go to the bathroom.” Spinning away from him, I hurried away as fast as my feet could carry me. I was moving so fast I didn’t see the cart with all the books that still needed to be put away. I crashed into it and the cart toppled over, spilling paperbacks all over the floor. I didn’t stop though, I just kept moving.
When I reached the back of the bookstore, I stumbled into the bathroom and slammed the door, grabbing onto the sides of the sink with both hands to steady myself. I hadn’t lied to Gary. I really had to get to the bathroom. But it wasn’t because I needed to pee. I had to get to the bathroom so Gary wouldn’t see me come apart. I had to get to the bathroom so Gary wouldn’t see me shatter into a million pieces like a stupid, blubbering fool right in front of him. Staring into the mirror, my cheeks were red and my eyes glazed over like wet asphalt after a monsoon.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted into the mirror. It took all of my willpower to keep my hands at my sides so I didn’t punch my reflection in the face.
You probably think I was upset because the plan to expose Jack had crumbled. You’re most likely thinking that I was on the verge of tears because I finally realized I would never have Jack for myself. But that wasn’t why I was upset. I wasn’t upset about Janet and Jack. I was upset about Gary.
Staring into the mirror, I wondered how I could have let it happen. I was too busy obsessing about Jack and Janet to see what was happening right in front of my face. He had fallen for me, and I had ignored all the signs and let it happen. True, Gary and I had more in common than I first thought, but there was still no way that Gary and I could ever work. Honestly, he deserved better than anything I could ever give him, anyway.
I wiped away the tears on my cheek with the back of my hand, then stared myself in the eye. Gary and me. Me and Gary. It could never work. Could it? I blew my nose with a big wad of toilet paper. I couldn’t even believe that I was contemplating the possibility.
Gary and I had fun together for now, sure, but life isn’t all fun and games. Life is hard. Life is complicated. It’s hard enough to survive on your own. Surviving together, with someone else, your partnership, your union, better be air tight. No room for doubts. No foothold for division. Because once that first crack forms, no matter how small, it grows, and it grows. And it keeps growing and growing until everything falls apart.
Better not to risk it at all.
When I came out of the bathroom, Gary was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t see Jack or Janet either. I assumed Gary was embarrassed by his momentary lack of sanity, and was now hiding alone by himself in a closet. Jack and Janet were probably in another closet. Making out. All of which was fine by me. The last thing in the world I wanted at that moment was to see, hear, or talk to anyone else.
I returned to the cart I knocked over and began picking up the books. It was a pleasant distraction. But a completely useless one. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Gary said. The entire plan, the entire time, was to get Janet to realize she belonged with Gary. How the hell could that possibly happen if Gary was really interested in me? No wonder all our efforts had crashed and burned. No wonder the past few weeks had been one disaster after the next.
One of the books I picked up off the floor was a contemporary romance. The front cover was a pastel colored drawing of a handsome man and a beautiful woman looking dreamily into each other’s eyes. They were happy. They were smiling. The look of true and everlasting love sparkled on their stupid faces.
What a joke. Like that actually ever happened. If any of those books were actually anything close to the truth, they would have to be shelved in the horror section.
As I finished stacking the books back on the cart, I told myself it was all for the best. Now that we had officially failed to break Jack and Janet apart, Gary and I could each go our separate ways. It was better for everyone. Safer for certain. Besides, I didn’t even care about Janet being with Jack anymore. Turned out, Jack wasn’t such a bad guy after all. He really had changed. Janet was lucky to have someone like him. I was wrong to interfere.
I finished picking up the books and began weaving the cart through the shelves. When I heard Gary and Janet talking, I turned around and went back the other way. I couldn’t face either of them. I picked up one of the books to put away in the Self-Help section. Making Better Choices . I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
Janet was a big girl capable of making her own choices. Right or wrong, they were her choices to make. Just like it was my choice to decide what I wanted in my life. And if the choice I made was to live my life as a hermit in Antarctica, then that was my choice to make.
It was better, before, I decided, when I put all my time and my energy into work. Buying houses. Fixing houses. Selling houses. At least then you can see the actual fruits of your labor. At least with real estate, all your investments of time and emotion and hard work actually paid off.
When I looked back up at the shelf, the Dr. Ruth bobblehead was staring at me again, shaking her head in pity. Fuck you Dr. Ruth. So what if Gary had feelings for me? So what if I had feelings for him?
Feelings are temporary. Feelings fade. The kind of relationship that I wanted, the kind that doesn’t end up in misery and suffering and tears, needed more than just feelings to survive. A solid relationship needed iron clad unity. A solid relationship needed both people to always be on the same page. A solid relationship required two people who were perfect for each other, so nothing could ever rip them apart.
I could still hear Gary’s voice coming from somewhere across the rows of shelves. He was still talking to Janet. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could hear his voice. I decided I had to stop running. I had to go back and confront him and tell him the truth. Gary and I would never work. No matter how he felt about me. No matter how I felt about him.
I had to tell Gary that what he thought he was feeling for me wasn’t real. The last thing either of us would want to see happen is for us to get together and then break apart. Like his ex-wife, Anne. Like me and Greg. Or my parents. The world was already cruel enough as it was.
I paused at the end of the Dr. Ruth aisle, resting my hand on the shelf so I could gather my strength. Taking a deep breath, I rehearsed what I was going to say. I would tell Gary that now that we knew Jack and Janet were truly happy together, it might be best if we just went our separate ways. Now that we knew Jack had changed, and that he was a decent human being, there was no reason for us to continue playing games. We had to separate before things could get any more awkward. Turn around now, well before the point of no return. That way, no one would get hurt.
“Good choice.” His voice came from behind me, a whisper in my ear.
When I turned around, Jack and I were standing face to face. “Good choice?” Could Jack read my mind?
“That one there.” Jack pointed to the book where my hand was resting. The Kama Sutra. Because of course it was.
“Are you okay?” Jack asked.
“What makes you think I’m not okay?” I said.
“It’s looks like you’ve been crying.” Jack was looking at me, just as curious as I was looking at him. Had I been crying? It was only then that I realized I had been.
I considered Jack’s question. Turning it over and over in my mind. “I’m fine,” I said, after realizing, really, that I was. “I’m good. Actually, I’m great.”
“Good.” His eyes never wavered. “That’s great that you’re great.”
“I am.”
Jack nodded. “I’m doing pretty great too.” When he spoke, the now familiar scents of vanilla and oak rolled off his tongue. I had lost count of how many Blue Hawaiians he had. Just like I had lost count of how many jalapeno lagers I had myself.
Jack’s eyes shifted back to the spine of the Kama Sutra, the devil dancing on his lips. “You know…” Jack started saying.
I held up my hand to stop him. “Let me guess. You traveled to India. Learned to master every technique.”
Jack’s smile was like a shark's smile. All gleaming white flesh rending teeth. “Actually, it was the city of Patna in Bihar. Me and some buddies from med school went backpacking across Asia.” He shrugged it off like hiking an entire continent was nothing more than a walk in the park. “It’s not all about the positions, you know. It’s also about love and family.”
I looked up at him. Although he was much taller, I met him eye to eye. For the first time, I noticed he must have broken his nose at some point, because it listed a bit to the side. And his eyes weren’t entirely blue. There were flecks of brown and grey. Was he wearing contact lenses? There were faint pock marks on his skin, almost hidden beneath the stubble on his cheeks. Old scars from what must have been a lingering case of acne. Jack Thompson. Football stud. Homecoming King. Zit face. Probably all the steroids.
“So that’s what you learned from the Kama Sutra, Jack? How to love? Raise a family?”
There was that shark smile again. Shark eyes too. All black and treacherous. “Among other things.” Jack leaned in as my back pressed against the edge of the shelf, his hand coming to rest right next to mine. “Mostly, I learned about the art of living a fulfilled and harmonious life.”
“Fulfillment and harmony?” I snorted out loud. What a crock of B.S. “Please Jack, enlighten me. What’s the secret to a harmonious and fulfilled life?”
Jack shifted his stance, his hips now pointed toward mine. “Well, first, live every day to the fullest. Don’t be afraid to take risks.” It was like his crotch was shooting off an electromagnetic pulse. Activating all of my nerve endings. Lighting up my whole body from inside.
I tried to back away further, but I was trapped against the shelf. Like a swimmer in the ocean, the shark coming under the water, jaws open wide.
Jack reached up and brushed away the clump of hair that had fallen down into my eyes. The gentle touch of his fingertips made every square inch of my skin break out in goosebumps. “To live in harmony, you can’t be frightened of the consequences. To be truly fulfilled, you have to seize opportunity when it comes.” I didn’t realize I was staring at my feet until Jack’s hand gently lifted my chin. “You were always one of those shy girls, Mary. Timid. Afraid. I’m not being critical. Just stating facts.”
I wish I could have summoned the outrage to refute him. I wish I could have looked him dead in the eye and told him he was wrong. But he wasn’t wrong. Jack was right. When it came to love. When it came to being honest with myself. When it came to allowing myself to feel genuine feelings, I was a coward. I had been one my entire life.
Somehow, Jack was even closer now. The shark coming in for the kill. “But here’s the thing, Mary. You’re not that same little girl anymore. Are you? No, I can tell that you’re not. You’re a big girl now. Ready. Willing. Able. To go after what you truly want.”
It was like I had gone to get my teeth checked and the dentist had shot up my entire body with Novocain. I thought my knees were going to buckle. It felt like my head was swimming in an ocean of jalapeno flavored beer. My mouth was surely dripping drool. One more second and Jack was going to have to scoop me up off the floor and give me mouth to mouth. “You learned all that from a book?”
“I didn’t learn that from a book.”
“No?”
“Nope.”
“How did you learn it, then?” My heart was beating so loud and so fast I could barely hear the words coming out of my mouth.
“Practice.”
I wasn’t sure which one of us moved forward first. Did Jack step toward me? Or did I step toward him? Before I knew what was happening, his face was right in front of mine. Our lips touched. Then pressed together tight. Like we both had a mouth full of magnets, pulling us together against our wills.
I was vaguely aware of my hands on his shoulders, his muscles tense and stiff underneath. I was vaguely aware of his hands moving down my lower back, pulling my body against his.
I didn’t know which one of us started it.
What I did know was that neither one of us pulled away.
At first.
Somehow, a sliver of logic and reason wormed its way into my brain. What the hell are you doing? I was kissing Jack. Jack was with Janet. I was kissing the man who was with my best friend. I lifted my hands to his chest and nudged him away for separation. It seemed like he had to battle his own demons to break away, too.
“Jack, oh my God, I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t believe what I had done.
If Jack was even one millionth as sorry about what happened as I was, it was hard to tell. In fact, he almost seemed … amused.
“Whoops,” said Jack. “Sorry about that. I forgot. You’re with Gary.”
Shark eyes. Shark mouth. Shark soul.
The laugh erupted out of my body like an air horn at a foot race. “Gary?” I laughed again, this time even louder. “You thought I was with Gary? Gary and me? Please. Gary and I are complete opposites. He loves floral print wallpaper for God’s sake. Burns dinners. Terrible at sports. He even likes Patrick Swayze movies. Gary and I would never work.”
On the outside, I was talking to Jack. But on the inside, I was talking to myself. I wasn’t trying to convince Jack I didn’t have feelings for Gary. I was trying to convince myself.
Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew I was the single worst human being in the entire history of humanity. If there had been an award they gave out for the most despicable person on the entire planet, they would have engraved my face on the trophy.
But as if that wasn’t bad enough, I kept going. “If Gary and I were together, it would be a disaster. Clearly I’m not serious relationship material. The first and last time I made the mistake of letting myself get close to someone, it blew up in my face. And obviously Gary doesn’t belong in a serious relationship because his wife, Ann, divorced him.”
Yeah.
That.
I actually said that .
If I could go back in time, I would have materialized out of the space-time continuum, run over to myself, grabbed the Kama Sutra off the shelf, and crammed it down my throat just to keep myself quiet. But despite the Michael J. Fox figurine standing on the shelf next to the Delorean above me, there was no going back.
I knew what I had done was bad. But I didn’t realize how bad until I saw Jack’s eyes widen in surprise. The moment I realized he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking past me.
Behind me.
Slowly, I turned.
Janet and Gary were standing at the end of the aisle, staring at us in shock. For a long time, no one said anything. We all just stood there in silence. Plenty of time for the entirety of the betrayal to fully sink in.
Gary was the one who eventually broke the silence. “Ann didn’t divorce me, Mary. She was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer after Kyle was born. She didn’t leave me. She died.” Gary’s voice was little more than a whisper. He looked as if all the life had been sucked right out of him. All the happiness. All the joy. Sucked right out of him. By me.
I think I remember opening my mouth, intending to say something, but I couldn’t even form a single word.
It’s not like it would have mattered, anyway.