Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
T he dragon stretched across the width of the road, munching on a bone poking up from the dirt. It lifted its head and blinked, its yellow eyes blazing. It never stopped chewing.
“Look.” Gwain, the bard, pointed, his voice a frantic whisper.
Periwinkle, the halfling, and Gronk, the half-orc barbarian, had stopped about twenty yards back. That was on purpose. If the dragon attacked, Gwain would be incinerated first.
Gwain held up his hands in a gesture of peace, then called back to his fellow adventurers. “It looks wild.”
“Of course it’s wild,” Gronk hissed, tightening her grip on her magic purple shield. “It’s a dragon.”
“What do we do?” Gwain averted his gaze, as if making eye contact would set the beast off.
“Turn around and run,” said Periwinkle, her half sized frame dwarfed by the towering presence of the dragon.
“We’re not going home.” Gronk pointed past the dragon. “We’re almost there.”
Just down the road, the thatched roofs of Serenity Vale could be seen on the horizon. According to the rumors, it was once a peaceful place, where elves, dwarves, and humans lived together in harmony. But now, raiding bands of goblins and ogres terrorized the countryside after the notorious Witch Queen overtook the local castle. It would take a band of brave and hardy adventurers to explore the dungeons, defeat the monsters, and liberate the castle from the Witch Queen’s grasp.
Gwain pulled the lute from his back, prepared to strum an enchanted tune to calm the beast’s nerves. Periwinkle removed the magic ring from her pouch, ready to slip it on and turn invisible. Gronk backed further away from the dragon, figuring that the time it would take to eat both Gwain and then Periwinkle would give her more time to escape.
“Never fear, I, Sir Jack, the Badass, shall smite the dragon,” Sir Jack stepped forward, his gleaming silver armor sparkling in the sun. Sir Jack was a new companion they had met, along with the forest elf, Caryn, renown for her knowledge of the wilderness and her ability to take really long, boring hikes without complaining.
“Your name is Sir Jack the Badass?” Gwain the bard rolled his eyes.
“Yes!” Sir Jack proclaimed proudly, as he raised his sword and advanced toward the dragon.
Periwinkle, the halfling, stepped in front of Sir Jack and raised her fur covered palms. “Whoa, wait a second Sir Jack.”
“The Badass.”
“Fine, wait a second Sir Jack the Badass. What do you think you’re doing?”
Sir Jack lowered his sword. “Smiting the dragon?”
“You’re going to kill the poor dragon? It’s just sitting there minding its own business. What did the dragon ever do to you?” Periwinkle was one of those annoying, self righteous vegan halflings. The kind that only ate turnips and refused to let her fellow compatriots attack the monsters to collect treasure, even if the monsters wouldn’t think twice about eating them.
“But it’s a dragon.” Sir Jack looked confused.
Blink
“And I’m a knight.”
Blink
“Knights slay dragons.”
Blink
“Don’t they?”
“Maybe we should just shoo it,” Gwain made a shooing motion with his lute to demonstrate the technique.
“You want to shoo a dragon?” Caryn’s pointy Elven ears twitched.
“Then I’ll sing it to sleep,” Gwain offered.
“No!” the rest of the party all answered together as one.
* * *
We had been sitting at one of the gaming tables in Belle’s Books for almost an hour, but our Dungeons and Dragons game was barely getting started. We got a late start because, before we could do anything, Gary had to explain the rules to Jack and Karen, making sure they understood how to play. Then, Janet helped Jack create his knight character, and Ralph helped Karen create her Elven druid. My job was to place the figurines on the map Gary had custom drawn by hand.
“I thought the whole point of this thing was to kill the monsters and take all their gold and stuff,” said Jack.
“There’s more than one way to win,” Gary explained.
“Like we could make friends with the dragon and then he might give us all dragon rides,” Janet offered.
“Or I can sing my magic song.” Ralph suggested for about the thousandth time already. Bards, the type of character Ralph used, were known for singing songs of enchantment, so Ralph had brought his ukulele with him, just in case. He’d been dying to show off the new Hootie and the Blowfish song he learned.
“No!” we all said again.
As dungeon master, Gary had the seat at the head of the table. From the smug look on his face, he seemed to enjoy his position of authority. And if I’m being honest, I was kind of enjoying it too. Something about a man in power, I guess. Even if that power is only dungeon mastering.
Gary looked down the table toward Jack, who was sitting right beside me. When we were first getting situated, Jack had pulled the chair out for Janet. A true gentleman. Seizing the opportunity, I slipped in and sat down instead. Somewhat less gentle, I admit. Janet ended up taking the last open seat. The one right next to Gary.
“You see, Jack, the cool thing about Dungeons and Dragons is that it’s a roleplaying game, so you get to choose whatever actions you want to take. You’re in control.”
“Sure thing Gare. That is super cool.” Jack’s face got very serious, and he nodded solemnly. I think if I would have opened a dictionary in that moment and flipped to the word “patronizing”, Jack’s picture would have been right there under the verb tenses.
“Well, if we get to choose our own adventure,” Karen announced, “the action I choose is to grab another beer. Do I have to roll the dice for that?”
“Only if you’re trying the growler of jalapeno lager, Mike asked us to taste test,” I said. Judging by the look on her face, Karen liked that idea about as much as when Janet suggested she look through the prop bin for a pair of Elven ears.
Ralph got up to help Karen. “Anybody else want a beer?” We all raised our hands.
“Jalapeno lager?” We all lowered them.
While Ralph and Karen went to fetch another round from the cooler, I moved my half orc figurine back another space, away from the dragon. By my calculation, I was now out of the range of its fire breath. Just to be sure, I nudged the bard figurine a tad bit closer.
Wanting to support Gary’s efforts, I said to Jack, “That’s what makes D&D so interesting. It’s all fantasy, of course, but the choices you make as your character often reveal the real you.”
Gary and I exchanged a knowing look. Because that was our master plan. To get Jack to reveal his true self to Janet, through the actions of his character in the game. Gary had meticulously planned the entire thing. Would he ravish the woodland nymph when she lured him into the forest? Would he abandon his fellow adventurers to save himself during the Minotaur ambush? And in the ultimate battle, would he sacrifice himself to save Periwinkle, the halfling? Or take the bait and go after the magic sword. Even though it had been Gary’s plan, I had to admit it was quite brilliant.
Jack humored me with an amused smile, then took another sip of his colorful Blue Hawaiian drink. Somehow, I got the impression that my Dungeons and Dragons philosophy was not the thing that was amusing him, however. I couldn’t help but notice the way his teeth scraped over his bottom lip when his eyes flashed to my lips. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was ogling me like I was the woodland nymph.
Pulling his eyes away from me, Jack surveyed the hand-drawn map stretched across the gaming table, then turned his attention to the assortment of miniature figurines representing the positions of each of our characters. “Tally ho, ye fellow adventurers. Let us hasten to vanquish yonder dragon forthwith.”
“Why are you talking like that?” Ralph wrinkled his nose.
Jack shrugged. “I thought we were supposed to use voices?”
“No.” Ralph and Gary both answered immediately. I forgot to mention that the entire time we had been playing, Jack had been using a British accent. Like a knight. It was kind of cute. And I thought sexy. But also very annoying to some people, based on Gary and Ralph’s response.
“Can I though? Use my knight voice?” Jack asked, using the British accent once again.
“Yes,” said Janet, Karen, and I all together.
Jack was like a sexy James Bond. Except instead of a shaken, not stirred martini, he was throwing back his third Blue Hawaiian, the blue hue from the Curacao stained on his jutting upper lip.
“What’s this over here?” Jack pointed to the section of the map to the left of the road.
“That’s the swamp,” I explained. While Gary was drawing the mountain range and coloring in the river on the other side of the map, he had let me draw the swamp lands with green and brown-colored pencils. To be honest, I was kind of proud of it. I had put in a bunch of creepy looking gnarled trees and colored in little bubbles in the swamp water to suggest something lurking beneath the surface. Gary said it was good. No, wait, I think his exact words had been, “really good.” And he would know because Gary was a legitimate artist.
As Karen and Ralph returned with our beers, I asked, “Hey, does anybody here know why the swamp water is colored brown?”
Karen raised an eyebrow. “Dragon poop?”
I pointed at her with my plastic dagger and winked. “Bingo.”
Jack picked up his knight figure and put it next to the swamp. “Fine, if we can’t kill the dragon,” He gave Janet a sideward glance. “We’ll sneak around through the swamp. Can we do that?”
“You can try to do whatever you want,” Gary explained. “But whether you succeed is up to the dice.” Gary handed Jack one of the fancy dice, the one with twenty different sides.
Jack looked around the table. “What do you all think?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know Jack. You’re the leader. It’s up to you. Everything that happens tonight is all on you.”
The day before the Dungeon and Dragon’s event at Janet’s book store, Gary had come over to Aunt Catherine’s house bright and early. While Kyle went swimming and tried to groom Purrfect with my hairbrush, Gary and I hunkered down at my rented kitchen table and planned it all out. At the beginning of the game, I would suggest that Jack lead the party, a role which he would readily accept. With the responsibility of making the ultimate choices, the ultimate outcome of our adventure would fall on him. And for every wrong move Jack made, Janet would have a front-row seat to bear witness.
“I think we should go through the swamp,” agreed Janet. “Just as long as you don’t hurt the dragon.”
After playing with Janet all those years in high school, Gary and I knew her tendencies and preferences. She couldn’t stand the idea of hurting an animal. Even an imaginary one that was trying to kill us imaginarily. So while most D&D adventures involved swords and sorcery, monster maiming and creature killing, Gary’s dungeon mastering games were always more evolved. In order to win the quests in Gary’s games, the characters would have to solve riddles, or navigate mazes, or outwit complex traps. There was always a peaceful solution to every problem, if you were creative enough to look for it.
“I’m not so sure about the swamp idea,” said Karen, pointing to my swamp drawing. “Look at those bubbles. They look ominous.” I high-fived myself in my head. “If Serenity Vale is anything like Florida, there’s going to be all kinds of alligators and snakes in there. Maybe worse.” Karen seemed to enjoy playing in character, drawing on Caryn, the forest elf’s wilderness expertise. Not to mention the fact that Karen herself was a veteran of S.U.K.C.’d.
“Definitely worse.” I pointed again to the green bubbles.
Ralph traced his finger along the penciled road, to the right of where the dragon figurine was looming on the map. “What if we go around it, along this wall?”
“Or we turn around and go back. Leave the poor dragon in peace. What if it has little baby dragons back in its lair or something?” Janet patted the tiny dragon figurine on its pewter head.
“What do you think, Mary?” Jack asked. Sitting right beside him, I could smell the rum on his breath. His cheeks were flushed red and his eyes flashed fire. Like a dragon. I hadn’t realized we sat that close. Had I subconsciously scooted my chair closer toward him? Or was his chair somehow closer to me? The expression on Jack’s face made me think of a steel trap. Once you stepped inside, you could never get back out. At least not without gnawing off your own ankle first.
“Keep going,” I said, picking up my Gronk figure and setting it down at the far edge of the map. “Too late to turn back now. No risk, no reward, right?”
“If you say so,” said Gary. His face was as unreadable as a dragon scroll written in algebra equations.
* * *
“Onward then, brave adventurers, tally forth to the right!” Sir Jack the Badass stepped away from the gurgling swamp and headed for the cobblestone wall to the right of the dragon’s position. A sign posted a warning, “Thou Shalt Not Trespass, Lest Yee Be Shot!”, with a scrawled etching of a bow and arrow.
In the distance, a herd of horned beasts grazed in the pasture. The strange creatures emitted a long, low, guttural sound, as if in mocking, but otherwise left the adventurers alone. The dragon also left them alone, thanks to some magical lute playing by Gwain, the bard, who sang to the dragon that “I only want to be with you.”
Once Sir Jack, Gwain, Periwinkle, Caryn, and Gronk were safely past the dragon, there were a series of other trials and tribulations to overcome.
There was the lost goblin whelp, who could have been used to force the goblin tribe to help defeat the Witch Queen, but, per Sir Jack’s suggestion, was returned to his family after Periwinkle’s plea for mercy.
There was the magic potion that could have been used to make Sir Jack invincible, but was used to heal the wounded village elder who had given Periwinkle his last turnip.
And of course the climactic scene where Periwinkle was bewitched by the Witch Queen, made to believe that friends were enemies and enemies were friends, and the witch queen’s henchmen trapped Gronk in the dungeon. It was up to Sir Jack to choose which one he would save. But instead of choosing one of his companions over the other, Sir Jack sacrificed himself to save them both, surprising the Witch Queen so completely that she just gave up and left the castle on her own and the adventure was over rather suddenly.
Gary had created the Serenity Vale adventure as one big test. Each step in the adventure was supposed to be more difficult than the last, testing Jack’s morals and character. The entire night had been carefully orchestrated to reveal all of Jack’s flaws. Expose his true nature for everyone to see. But if the Dungeons and Dragons game was a test, Jack passed it with flying colors. An A+.
When the game was over, the town of Serenity Vale had been saved, the Witch Queen had been vanquished, and Sir Jack the Badass was hailed as a hero. And then when the town leaders tried to give Sir Jack his reward, the real Jack asked Gary if his character could just donate the treasure to the goblin orphanage. Things could not have gone any worse.