Chapter 20
Twenty
DECLAN
Ican't do this.
Slowly, as if it's painful, I push my chair out and stand. Still clutching the glass cup in my white-knuckled grip, I put one foot in front of the other.
I can't do this to them. We have more important things to focus on. Our attention needs to be focused on what matters most.
It's not as hard as I thought it would be to dump the alcohol down the sink. Felix might be a bit pissed if he finds out I wasted some of his expensive stuff, but I'd like to think he would be proud of me for pushing the desire away.
I couldn't do that to Blue. Had I taken even a sip of that bourbon, I would have taken multiple steps back from my goal of only social drinking.
Depression and anxiety hold way too much space in Roman's and my lives, making me wonder if it's genetic or something. It sucks, but what sucks even more is finding unhealthy ways to cope that actually just make it fucking worse.
The last time I drank to numb my feelings was the same night Blue was hurt at the bar. Fuck, that was a slap in the face. I was too inebriated to register that Blue was being attacked right in front of me.
Never again, I vow as I set the glass in the sink. The clink sound it makes is so final that it snaps me out of the haze I was stuck in for who knows how long.
Self-loathing settles around me. I should have stayed in bed. There was no way I would have been able to rest. For a while, just watching Felix settled my soul, then my mind took over and demanded attention. I couldn't deal, nor did I want to.
How weak am I?
What would Felix think if he saw me right now? Scratch that, what would Roman think? My big brother wants the best for me, and I just played with fucking fire.
"I'm so proud of you."
I jump, not having heard Felix come up behind me, but I relax as soon as heat engulfs my back. His arms wrap around me and tug me back into his large chest. "W-What?" I stutter, shame stealing my breath for a moment.
"I'm proud of you," Felix rumbles and dips his chin to nuzzle my neck. "You're so strong."
Again, I repeat, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Maybe I should just accept the praise, but I'm pissed at myself for getting so close to drowning my issues again.
A shudder zips through me when Felix bites me. I'm only slightly embarrassed to acknowledge the whimper that escapes me when he pulls back.
He hushes me then explains, "You decided all on your own to dump it, Declan. That takes some serious willpower. I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself."
His voice turns all scratchy and rumbly at the end of his statement, making me melt. I lean back into him and allow him to hold some of my weight suddenly exhausted. "I was weak, Felix."
"When I woke up alone in bed," he begins, his voice quiet and contemplative against my neck and shoulder. "I immediately felt lonely and anxious. Coming down to find you staring into a glass of bourbon broke my heart, but your brother said something super nerdy that struck a chord in me."
Fuck. "Roman saw me, too?"
"Shush," he hums and dips his fingers into the waistband of my sweatpants. "There was something about flowers and sunshine, but the comprehensible part of what he said was that having confidence in the people we love is more than enough sometimes."
"Did he smoke some of your weed?"
Felix snorts, still holding me tight. "I thought he might've been on something, too. You should have heard the rest of the shit he said."
I laugh, imagining how their strange conversation might have gone. "What, were you two creating poetry and staring at me while I was in the middle of a crisis?"
He bursts into rumbly laughter that absolutely lights up my insides and tents my pants. "Fuck, I love you. That's what I said to him, too."
I stiffen as his words sink in. He didn't just say that. I'm prepared for him to backtrack and freak out, but he doesn't so much as clench a muscle. "Felix—"
Once again, his stubble tickles me as he shifts my pants down. "I'm proud of you. I have confidence in you. And I love you, Declan."
Holy shit.
Before I can utter a single syllable, Felix spins me around in his arms and kisses me. The long swipes of his tongue through my mouth set me ablaze. Unable to hold in my moan, I let loose and give as good as I get.
My cock jerks against his when he shoves his hands down my pants and grabs my ass in a firm grip. I kind of wonder if he'll leave bruises. Following his lead but slightly more direct, I dip my right hand into the front of his sweats and grab his rock-solid dick.
Felix groans. I grin against his mouth because I love any power I can get over this dominant man. My smile shatters with a grunt when heat engulfs my cock. Felix pumps me without hesitation and even tugs on my ass as if telling me to fuck his fist. I have a better idea.
With my free hand, I push my pants down and do the same with his, so we can feel one another. As soon as our dicks rub against each other, I see motherfucking stars.
"Shit!" I whisper-shout and rip my mouth away from his. "This isn't exactly how I imagined saying it to you for the first time, but son of a bitch, I love you too, Felix."
His green eyes sparkle as he studies me. Then he licks his lips, pushes my hand away, grabs both of our cocks in one fucking hand, and grinds us together. "Good, baby. Now come all over me. Right fucking now."
"Jesus," I moan and buck my hips. Barely registering him hushing me, I sink into the kiss he uses to tongue fuck my mouth. The head of his cock adds a new kind of friction I've never felt before, and it isn't long before I lose myself in the heady domination that is Felix Monroe.
Pressure builds, sweat tickles, then cum paints Felix's abs and slickens his grip. My knees buckle as I feel his cock stiffen, and I allow myself to fall, separating our mouths before slamming to my knees in front of him.
Before he comes, I grab his thighs and dive in for a taste. Ropes of cum shoot into my mouth almost immediately, and while I enjoy the taste of him, the shocked roar he makes is even fucking better.
Maybe now I'll be able to sleep.