Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
BLUE
It's scary how drastically an attitude can change. Such a short time ago, I wished for death to take me while I was unconscious. My anger was real each time I opened my eyes.
Living seemed hard. There was so much unknown, and most of it was terrifying. Not to mention, so many other things matter in life. More so than I do.
I truly thought for a while there that giving up would be better for everyone. That way, they could focus their efforts on moving on and growing.
Was I wrong? I'm not sure, and I fear I'll never find out.
In the end, I fought to survive. But is it the end? How will I know?
As the world slips away from me and everything ceases to exist, my brain rapid fires in every awful direction it can muster up. I figured—always hoped—when I died, I'd see all the good memories.
I fear that's not true.
Time stretches and warps, elongating as what I'm sure are seconds turn into years as I see every single moment I'll miss. In some horrible twist of fate, images of Violet visiting my grave assault my mind.
"Hi, Mama..." Violet whispers. She's blurry as I watch from a bird's eye view as she settles on the grass. I would know my V even if her hair is cropped to her shoulders and wrinkles line her eyes. "I've brought someone for you to meet."
I feel like I don't really exist, as if I am literally watching from beyond the grave. Chills run through my form, but I half wonder if I always feel them. Am I cold?
Violet wiggles around, and my perception zooms in on the small bundle in her arms. "This is Serena...your granddaughter."
Those words, they hurt me. I have no idea how I can feel so much visceral pain if I'm already dead, yet I do. She made me a grandma. Violet named her daughter after my mom.
"I miss you, Ma. I know, wherever you are, that you'll watch over Serena like you always did for me. Just..." She wipes a tear away with the baby's blanket. "Wish you were here."
My sweet girl.
"I'm sorry I haven't come to visit for a while." Violet sighs, sounding tired, making me wonder if she's all alone in the world. But that couldn't be because I ensured my support system was hers too.
"Everyone told me how awful the baby blues are, but—ugh I can't stop crying. The guilt is real, and it's eating me alive." What I wouldn't give to hold her. "Sometimes I wonder if you would have had kids. Then you could have actually prepared me. Bethany sugarcoated it..."
Beth has a kid? How much have I missed?!
"I know Declan and Roman still visit you weekly. Felix and Jared obviously come too, so I'm glad you haven't been lonely. Or are you? I hope you're okay...happy even."
How I wish I could tell her I'm happy, but I'm not. This isn't what I wanted. The sheer yearning I feel to make Violet some meals and clean her home is growing by the second. Why does my kid look so miserable? Where is Serena's father?
As I think her name, Violet's baby coos and begins to fuss. Breaking my heart once again, V tilts her head back and looks to the sky. Looks at me. I swear our eyes lock as my vision clears just enough to see her tears trailing down her cheeks.
My God. I'm in hell. There's no other explanation.
"I love you, Mom. Rest easy...One of us has to," she adds with a slight giggle that strikes me hard.
If that is what awaits me if I slip too far from life, then I don't fucking want it.
I will be there to clean Violet's house, make her food, and sleep over so she can sleep.
No way in hell will I allow her to cry in front of my grave before she's seventy.
Fingers crossed. I just have to wake up first.