Chapter 37
Thirty-Seven
VIOLET
My face hurts and my eyes burn, but I won't complain. What I'm experiencing is nothing compared to the pain Blue is in.
Nobody told me the extent of her injuries, so seeing her lying in the hospital bed with all those bandages and bruises was shocking. I know Roman told me she had bruising around her throat, but it's worse than I thought.
Waking up beside Mama and immediately seeing the fingerprints around her neck was something out of a nightmare. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished it was just a bad dream. Anything is better than the truth of what she went through because of me.
I have no clue what really happened. Blue told me to leave the room while she and the guys made their statement with the police, so I doubt I'll ever know the full truth.
She's shielding me, like she always has.
Throwing a fit and getting mad at her for all the shit she's hidden from me isn't appropriate right now. And it might never be.
But my god...Mama has been through so much I didn't know about until I overheard Bethany.
Similar to right now as I eavesdrop on Derrick, Clara, and Blue's doctor. The list of her injuries is extensive, and I'm hearing the gory details from around the corner where I stay hidden.
Every new thing the doctor says is another stain on my soul.
Each kind word in Mama's texts to me super early this morning begins to fade away. I won't ever delete those messages because they might be the only things to pull me from the edge.
I've cried all my tears and stolen enough attention from Blue's recovery, so I keep my sniffles quiet. Tiptoeing back to the cafeteria, I'm stopped almost immediately by a woman with a raised eyebrow.
"What are you doing, V?"
I gulp, knowing there's no way in hell I can lie to Janine. She's a hardass with awesome hair and a killer attitude. Love her, but damn, why did she have to find me sneaking around?
Pulling on all the sass I can muster up, I cock my hip and fold my arms. I need to figure out how Mama created such a perfect mask to hide her turmoil because I need to do the same for the foreseeable future.
"Going to get a coffee and maybe some yogurt for Mom." That's the truth, but not the whole truth.
Janine matches my pose. "And eavesdropping."
"That too," I admit, tone matter-of-fact. Holding in my feelings is really hard. I'm not built for this. Bubbly and bright, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but everyone needs to focus on Blue. Not me. I'm fine.
Janine hums, softens her posture, and swoops me into a tight hug before I can stop her. "Learn from your mama, Violet. Hiding behind expectations and ignoring your needs isn't healthy."
I tense even while wrapping my arms around her. I'm not one to turn down a hug or a pep talk, but Janine's words hit home. Applying them is different.
Unfortunately, I might already be learning that it's easier to just attempt to hide rather than feel.
She squeezes me tighter before releasing me.
What she says next turns my blood cold. "Don't forget Blue has lived her life raising you, loving you.
She knows you better than you might know yourself.
So this," she gestures to my narrowed red eyes, "won't fool her.
Nor will she let you try to hide your feelings. "
"She needs to focus on healing," I argue.
Janine nods. "Right. So don't distract her by shutting down and ignoring your feelings. All you'll do is scare her and shift her focus."
What she says makes sense, but... "The last thing Blue needs is for me to cry all over her. She's in pain because of me, Janine."
"I know for a fact that Blue doesn't think that."
I slam my fist against my chest. "But I do. That's how I feel because it's my perspective. How do I show my feelings when all I can do is insist it's my fault? I could tell she was getting frustrated with me earlier!"
"You talk about it and stay true to yourself, Violet Bennett."
"That's not my name..." I whisper, tears blurring my vision again.
Bennett isn't my last name. She's not my mom by blood, nor do we share the same dad. I've always wondered why she hasn't adopted me. I know it's more complicated than just filling out some forms, especially with Linda involved.
"Well," Janine smiles and grabs my hand, pulling me toward the cafeteria. "What a wonderful thing it would be if you shared the same name as your mama, huh?"
Would Blue want that?
"That would be the highlight of Blue's entire life, you know? She'd adopt you without hesitation if you asked."
Would she?
"Violet," Janine says softly. "We're all here. We're watching and will monitor you too. You also went through something incredibly traumatic. Don't think you can hide from us."
Silently cursing, I feel some of my crappy walls begin to disintegrate as tears spill over my eyelashes.
I really thought I had cried all my tears, and I never thought Janine would be the one to pull them out again.
She's not one for feelings, yet she saw right through my terrible masking abilities.
I'm worried she might be right. With all the people in my life who care about me, there's no way I'll be able to get away with stuffing my feelings in a box and tossing them in a lake.
After hearing about how Blue did that, and just kept pushing through, I was mad. How could she do that to herself?
I should be mad at myself too. And I am, but I also understand it now. It sounds appealing to ignore the negative ick inside and just be what everyone needs me to be.
How do I do that without drawing attention? Can I do that is the real question.
I'm a happy person. Someone who embraces the wild unpredictability of life. I don't think I can be like Blue.
I'll need to find another way to shield her from the guilt that's wrapping around my soul.