Chapter 38
Thirty-Eight
BLUE
I'm fucking out of here!
If I could squeal without hurting myself or Felix pinching my lips together, I would. Christ, it feels good to think about something other than imminent death.
"You okay, Blue?" Roman murmurs, leaning into me. He's careful not to touch me, which I've noticed the other three have gotten over pretty quickly.
Roman is gentle and maybe a little too worried about pressing on a random bruise, so I grab his hand then nestle it between mine and my cold thigh. The leggings Dakota brought for me are comfortable, but I'm struggling to stay warm.
It's the third morning after waking up in the hospital. The one I've been waiting for. Doctor Jim, who I learned is Felix's uncle, suggested I stay an extra twenty-four hours to ensure the trajectory of my recovery. I was slightly peeved about everyone agreeing, but relented in the end.
My head still hurts, as does my throat. I have to move slowly for quite a few different reasons, but I'm hopeful that by the end of the week, I'll start to feel better. Jim told me two or three weeks might be more realistic for my ribs, concussion, and sore throat, but I'm ignoring him.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm going home, so that means I'm already better.
"Blue?"
Looking up at Roman, I realize I had been zoning out on his hand. I know they're worried about how much I've been staring off into space, but I can't help it. There's so much to think about now that I know I have a future again.
"I asked if you were okay," Rome murmurs, turning towards me a little more. Felix and Declan are in the front seats and Jared is in one of the middle seats. All three have turned to look at me.
In the far back of the big SUV, I'm comfortable and surrounded. I feel safe, so I nod as my answer. Even smile for them all the while my forehead pounds.
The worst part about all the shit my body has been through is how tired I am.
I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep on the drive back to Chicago, but we'll see.
Visitors, pain, and bad dreams have broken the rest I've gotten.
Honestly, I'd rather have memory dreams again than the nightmares I've been experiencing.
Jared reaches back and brushes his fingers along my calf. "You sure, Bee?"
I bite the inside of my cheek when he touches a particularly deep scrape and nod. "Good," I whisper, avoiding Felix's narrowed gaze. "H-home, please."
Felix turns around and shifts the gear into drive. A breath of relief immediately whooshes out of me. The total happiness of leaving the godforsaken place in the rearview mirror is heady and keeps me awake for the first hour of the drive.
I continue looking out all the windows, partly out of anxiousness, even though I know Clarence is dead. Also, because I wasn't sure I'd see the world again. Really, I thought I would die in that shed. Then I thought I'd die in a puddle of mud with sunflowers bowing their heads above me.
The guys carry on quiet conversations about work and what their week will look like. I learn they took time off to search for me, and for some reason, that feels hard to comprehend. It doesn't fit with the anger I have toward them.
My friends, Jared's parents, and Violet have all mentioned something about the effort the men put into finding me. They must have agreed I wasn't ready to hear them all gush about the amazingness that is the four of them, because it was only quick comments.
Giving my statement to the officers the other morning was incredibly odd. It made me realize how much I don't know about what happened to me. Unnerved was how I felt when I couldn't remember anything about being transported from the theater to the middle of fucking nowhere.
These missing pockets of time are what keep me up at night. It's like my mind is trying to fill the empty spaces with the worst possible options. I even asked the guys to leave so I could request a vaginal exam.
My results came back clear; no sign of sexual abuse or trauma. Doesn't mean he didn’t touch me, though...
The police said they combed through the area and dug into Clarence's background.
It turned out he was a groundskeeper for the garden and stayed in a rundown cabin on the outskirts of the large property.
Thankfully, his domain wasn't near the hiking trails, but the officers ensured they checked his home thoroughly for other people he may have harmed.
All they found were a few computers and notebooks of passwords and usernames for different social media profiles. At that point, fury embedded itself in my bones—he organized how he harassed my kid!
The few pictures they found of me around his cabin appeared to be screenshots from Violet's videos. I'll never tell her that. I'm not a fool. She'll get more information than I want her to have, I know that, but protecting her from this is a priority of mine.
I couldn't protect the guys from the gory details since they were there when I wrote my statement.
When Felix asked if Clarence was the guy who shoved me into the wall, I said yes.
Watching him crumple was hard, but it was the truth.
Clarence was the reason I texted Felix eleven years ago just to be dismissed.
Then, the true fuckery came when Felix demanded to see a picture of my captor. He gasped and flipped it around to show the others. I watched them like a hawk, trying to figure out what was going on when Declan ran to throw up in the bathroom.
Imagine my fucking surprise when Jared shared Clarence was the guy he punched when we were in high school. I didn't even fucking know Clarence was around Linda enough to talk shit about me at that point.
Apparently, the four of them ran into Clarence in the grocery store parking lot right before I moved away from them. The nasty old man said some disgusting things about their girlfriend, and Jared threw a fist.
I guess the other three pulled Jared away and drove off before shit could get worse.
Honestly, I'm still digesting this new connection.
I didn't know Clarence was obsessed with me before we even moved in, and I vaguely remember Jared's swollen knuckles and angry attitude during one of my last weeks with them.
I just thought he was upset with me. Which later checked out when I was fucking ghosted. That piece of the puzzle was Clarence all along.
Chills slither up my spine and my mouth fills with saliva just thinking about that vile fucking man.
"We'll be at the townhouse in forty minutes," Felix announces. Shock makes me frown. I haven't slept a wink on this drive. I do need to pee.
My frown turns into one of confusion once his words register. "No," I say, though it sounds a bit like a groan that slips right into a cough.
"Stop talking, Blue. You're hurting yourself," Felix scolds while Roman tickles my thigh so gently. It's nice, and his touch would put me right to sleep if I weren't so keyed up thinking about everything.
I shake my head, annoyed with my inability to argue with Felix properly. "Hooome," I breathe. "Please, I want to g-go to mine."
"You're coming home with us so we can help you, Blue," Declan explains like that's not the opposite of what I just said.
I narrow my gaze and clear my throat, determined to stand my ground. "Take me to my a-apartment."
"Fucking hell. Stop, sweetheart. Your voice is so damn raspy, and it must hurt like a bitch." Felix genuinely sounds concerned, but I'm annoyed. I don't want to stay with them.
He's not wrong because this does hurt like a bitch, but if he would just agree to take me home, I would be fine. "I'm not staaaying with you."
I feel the eyes of the others on me, but I don't look. I'm sure they're a little offended, but just because I'm hurt and I've let them in these past few days doesn't mean I'm ready for this. Forgiving them happened before I was taken, but giving them a whole ass chance is something else entirely.
"Please, Felix," I rasp. "I want to go home." Tears blur my vision. I really do just want to go home. I'm not completely comfortable with them, especially overnight. We aren't there yet. "I'm not ready."
Felix curses and hangs his head before quickly looking back up at the road. Declan murmurs something to him while Jared and Roman continue holding my right leg.
I'm just really not ready. There's still more I need to see from them before I can dive right into staying with them. I have things I need to work on for myself too.
"Okay, Blue," Felix says with a sigh. "I'll bring you home, and we'll get you settled. But only if you rest your throat now."
I nod, smiling at him even when he glances at me in the rearview mirror with a look of sadness and guilt. He knows why I'm standing strong on this. We aren't ready for the next step.
I'm not pushing them away. If anything, I've pulled them in. Now it's time to see if I can embrace their proximity to my heart.