Chapter 42
Forty-Two
ROMAN
I'm not sure Declan, Felix, or Jared have noticed that Blue's exhaustion isn't normal anymore. It's been about five days since we got home. Eight since we found Blue.
I can still feel the mud sinking beneath my knees as I crash to the ground beside her lifeless body. At night I wake to the bang of gunfire behind me. I've begun to use the memory of her heartbeat to calm down by patting the rhythm on my chest.
Waking up with cold sweats because I can't tell what's real and what isn't hasn't been fun. Eventually, I realize that it was, in fact, real that we found Blue. That she's safe at home.
I would feel better if I were near her. Sleep seems to be my biggest issue, and I'm starting to wonder if she's struggling more than she's letting on as well.
We just got home from having another day at her apartment. Today we had to share her with Janine and Dakota, which is fine, but I would have liked to have started some of the conversations we need to have.
Firstly, we need to discuss her mental health. The need to check in on her emotions and PTSD is strong, but it's hard when Felix still encourages her to talk as little as possible.
While I can appreciate his focus on her physical health, I'm starting to stress about what's going on inside her head.
I'm not the only one who has had to say her name a few times to get her attention when she's zoned out. Sometimes she goes pale randomly. I've even noticed her flinch away when someone comes up behind her too fast.
There are plenty of signs of her trauma affecting her day-to-day life.
Then there's the matter of talking about what happened. I know she's curious about what we did to get her back, but she's holding her questions back. Fear of what it could mean is my best guess about why she hasn't said anything.
If I know Blue like I think I do, she needs all the information before making a choice. She needs a level of control in all situations to feel secure and confident, so why the hell is she allowing Felix to silence her?
Unless that is her control. I've heard her talk with her friends when Felix isn't there, but as soon as we're around she's quiet. Her body shows us how comfortable she's becoming, but there's still a big fucking wall up.
Blue Bennett is studiously choosing not to seek information because she doesn't want to deal with making an educated decision about us. I'd bet my fucking ass that woman knows her heart will call out for us once her mind is allowed to be involved.
The Blue she's giving us is a shell, and annoyingly enough, we're enabling this avoidant behavior.
"We need to talk," I shout, slamming our back door closed. Felix was a few paces ahead of me, so he's the first one I grab and drag to the living room.
He grunts and shoves me off of him once we're in front of the couches. "What the hell is your problem?"
Jared's already sprawled out on the cushions, and Declan exits the bathroom with a frown.
"What's with the yelling?" my brother asks, eyeing me and his boyfriend like a fight is about to break out.
I won't fight even if I am acting uncharacteristically, but my patience is gone. "I have some things I need to say. Please sit so we can actually talk about all this shit."
"All what shit?" Felix growls, crossing his arms.
This is what I mean by avoidance. It's unhealthy as fuck, and I can't take it anymore. "Everything. We went through some horrible shit, Felix. So did Blue. We're not helping anyone by acting like nothing happened."
"Excuse—Believe me, I haven't fucking forgotten," Felix snaps. "Every time I look at her pretty face, I see her scarred eyebrow, her fading bruises, and the handprints around her damn neck!"
"Hey, Felix." Declan reaches for Felix, who tries to brush him off, but my little brother is having none of it. "Don't fucking do that. Sit down and stop being an ass."
Yeah.
"Don't look smug," Dec accuses me with a glare. "You might be right that we need to talk about everything, but you started it poorly."
Who made my little brother all smart and—
Jared sits up and fiddles with his hands while staring at the floor. "I think we need to ask Blue how she's doing."
"What? We always ask her that," Felix defends.
Jared shakes his head. "No, not really. We ask situationally if she's okay. I'm talking about her brain. Her feelings. She's not giving us much beyond just hanging out with us and cuddling."
Felix opens his mouth, but Declan beats him and says, "What if she gets upset? Or makes us leave?"
I've thought about that, and it's the main reason I've avoided this topic for as long as I have. Some of her fire and independence is coming back, so it's possible she'll push back really damn hard if we try getting closer to her.
Felix stuns me by jumping in and being agreeable, but what he suggests doesn't surprise me. "Even if she pushes us away, we're not fucking going anywhere. She can fight all she wants, but we're here to stay. I've already bent more than I'm comfortable with when it comes to us leaving at night."
My mouth curls up in a grateful smile. This is why we need to figure it out together. We each have our own strengths, and Felix's is being an overbearing alphahole.
"So," Jared starts, looking around at all of us, "we'll let her talk tomorrow?"
Felix stiffens. I glare at him and answer Jared before Felix can. "Yes. We won't be shushing her any longer unless it's obvious she's overdoing it. She's healing great."
I can practically feel my best friend struggling with this plan, but he stays silent and nods. We've held back because of her physical health. Now I fear we're neglecting her mental and emotional health.
"Since we all agree on that," I begin and sit on the far side of the couch now too. "How are you guys doing?"
Felix frowns and leans back as if to get away from this next part. Declan shifts uncomfortably, and Jared raises his hand as if to ask for permission to speak.
I laugh and look at Felix, waiting for him to say something. "What?" Felix growls.
"Do I have permission to speak, or might you give me a kiss if I open my mouth?" Jared teases, offering levity to the situation.
"Fuck off."
I laugh at Felix's response along with Jared and Declan.
Jared actually sobers first and answers my initial question.
"I'm alright, but I would feel better if she would let us sleep over or we could bring her here.
I was thinking we should get the primary suite set up for her to move in to when she's ready. "
I raise a brow thinking to myself about how that sounds really damn hopeful. "Let's do it," my brother and I say at the same time. Felix nods, agreeing silently. That's okay. These kinds of talks are hard for him.
"My anxiety has been pretty bad," Declan mumbles. "I reached out to Levi, and he sent me in the right direction to get a therapist. I'm just not sure how to calm my thoughts sometimes."
Shit, I should have been paying more attention to him. "Have you—"
"No. I haven't had the urge to drink since we found Blue. I'm worried it could get to that point, so I'm trying to be proactive."
"Good," I praise. "Can you send me the information for the office you're setting up with?"
Declan studies me for a long moment. "Yeah, I can. How are you doing?"
I sigh. They all know I've struggled heavily with depression in the past. Since then, it's just kind of lingered around me all my life. "I'm having a really hard time sleeping. Sometimes my memory is pretty vivid, and I swear I can hear the gun going off again."
Felix curses and sits forward, looking me right in the eye. "I'm sorry, man. I should have thought to check on you."
"I think the same could be said for all of us, Felix. It's alright." I really don't want him to carry the guilt of not checking on me because I've been a shit friend too and haven't asked them until now either.
Felix rubs a hand down his face. "I just don't know what to do. How to help. Maybe I got a little too focused on making sure she didn't hurt her throat, but it was a clear instruction from my uncle that she shouldn't use her voice too much for the first four days."
"It's been eight," I say gently, so as not to piss him off by stating the obvious, but I think it's an important thing to note. "You ready to move on from that and talk about feelings?"
I'm not teasing him, and he knows it. There is an underlying challenge there that I'm hoping helps him shift gears, though.
He takes a moment to think and settle himself. "Yeah, I am."
"Good." I clap a hand on his shoulder. "Tomorrow then."
I really hope we're actually ready for this.