Chapter 43
Forty-Three
BLUE
“AHHH!" Fire burns my throat, stealing my breath and making it hard for my heart to settle. Sitting up so rapidly makes all my fading aches flare too.
This is the third time I've woken up tonight. I have no idea what's worse, a zombie eating my intestines, or a demon jumping out of my bathroom mirror while I'm getting a drink of water. Don't even get me started on the fuckery of the other one.
Sniffling, I rub my eyes and tuck the comforter closer to me.
What I wouldn't give for someone to hold me.
To take care of me for once. I've never had that.
The girl who had to grow up too soon begs for me to call the guys, my guys, but the woman who raised a young girl, made shit work on her own, and survived by herself is annoyed that I would want them right now.
Violet can only cuddle me so much. At some point, her arms are too pointy, and she prefers her bed, so she never stays long.
I've never had the comfort of a man I trust wrapping his arms around me in the middle of the night. Most of my nightmares go ignored as I force myself to ignore eerie shadows in my room.
These days it's harder to ignore my overactive imagination.
I want...I want Roman to hold me. I can imagine it.
Jared would keep Felix calm while they searched all the dark corners.
Declan would sit next to me, murmuring silly comments about how he bets Jared is driving Felix crazy.
Then maybe, once the apartment is cleared, they would all find a way to fit in my bed and keep me safe. Even from my own mind.
Leaning against my headboard, I take a sip of my water. The clock on my nightstand tells me the sun will probably be up in the next two hours. There's no reason for me to go back to bed.
Fuck knows I don't have anything going on today. Kevin forced me to take at least four weeks off. He's delusional, but we all lie to our friends, right? Yes, Kev. I hear you, Kev. I agree, Kev.
Ha.
Christ, I need to figure out how to get more sleep lest I actually lose my mind. I'm pretty sure a chunk of my brain runs away screaming after my truly messed up nightmares.
Laughing quietly, I imagine cartoon hunks of my brain running with flappy arms in the air. Their screams would be high-pitched, too. "Jeez," I huff, trying to get a little control of myself.
I know any second now, Violet is going to come in and ask me if I'm okay. The answer I've been giving her is vague because it feels complicated. I feel complicated.
Yes, I'm fine. Physically, I feel like I'm healing great, although Felix still has plenty of concerns. Mentally, I'm mostly stable. Sure, I zone out, and crying alone in bed has become a thing I do. I've never been much of a crier, but it seems as though the floodgates have opened.
I have no clue how to evaluate my emotional state. Everything that occurred seemed so fast but also like the longest three days of my life.
Had I known Violet was being harassed or stalked for more than five minutes before getting kidnapped, I could wrap my head around it better. I barely had time to accept the fact that there was even a fucking problem before I got punched in the face.
Christ.
I didn't know there was a safety concern. Would I have done anything differently? I'd like to think so. The guys would have known for sure because the more people keeping Violet safe, the better. I doubt they would have allowed me to walk inside by myself.
"Ma?"
Shit, I didn't hear her knock. "Come in," I call out, feeling like I'm losing my mind. I can't live in what-ifs.
Violet shuffles into my room, leaving the door cracked behind her. She looks exhausted, but before I can apologize again, she does. "Sorry it took me a bit to come. Our neighbor on the left was at the door. She expressed concern."
"Fuck," I groan, and toss my head back against the headboard. Now I'm waking up the goddamn neighbors with my nightmares.
Violet's silence gives me the time to run through what she said. I hate she feels the need to apologize for not coming to me fast enough. She's eighteen and does not need to feel responsible for me.
I'm way too fucking young for the tables to turn. When I'm old and withering, she can check on me, although we're only about eleven years apart. Yeah, no. My kid won't ever need to take care of me.
"I need to get this under control."
Violet watches me while I glare at the ceiling. She's thinking, and I'm preparing myself to listen to what she has to say. "Have you called Clara?"
Shit. "No. I don't know what I would say. No matter what, I feel like I'd be using her if I only talked to her about my issues."
We sit in silence for a few minutes, and in that time I can feel the tension rise in Violet. The last time we were in a similar position, she dropped the Clarence bomb on me.
"Ma, can I talk to you about something?"
My heart sinks, and my mind reminds me over and over again that Clarence is dead. Kevin shot him in the face. He's dead. He's dead.
"Bethany told the guys about your past..."
Just like that, my heart restarts then pounds in my chest. "What?! Why? When?"
Again my brain steps in and scolds me for freaking out. Bethany is the sweetest woman I have ever met. There's no way she would break my confidence without a good reason.
Violet wraps her arms around her knees and twists her lips. "A few nights after you went missing. She thought she might know something that could help them find you."
"How do you know this? Did she tell you too? What did she say?" Motherfucking hell. This is why I would rather have kept all that shit to myself. Nobody needs to know any of it. One moment of guilt had me spilling my guts to best friends, and now the guys know.
Of course, they knew some stuff in high school, but definitely not everything.
Violet fidgets, glancing at me as I stand to pace the length of my bed. "I eavesdropped when Clara and Derrick brought me to see the guys."
"You eavesdropped?!" Chill...Chill...Your voice is getting shrill.
In the time it takes for me to take a deep breath, Violet finds the words to break my heart. "Mom, why did you hide it from me?"
"I didn't hide anything from you, Violet. You were a child. There are things you didn't need to know." Internally, I cringe, knowing she won't appreciate those comments.
Except she doesn't push back on the thing I thought she would. "You were a kid too, Mom."
Mom. Twice now she's said that, and it feels like a hug.
I'm still standing, looking down at the sweet angel on my bed. Her blonde hair is in two braids down the sides of her head. They're messy from a night of sleep, but her eyes look clear and...hurt?
"V, what did Beth say?" I'm begging the universe for patience. I will not hold this against Bethany, but I really need to know what I'm dealing with. There was some fucked up shit I told my friends about.
"Violet," I say, voice tense with a tsunami of feelings rising to the surface.
Her bottom lip wobbles, making my hands shake. When her gaze collides with mine, my knees buckle a little. I know what she's about to say before she even opens her mouth, and it's really not what I’d like to hear. This changes things.
"Everything," Violet whispers, tears dripping from her lashes like this knowledge is too much to carry.
It is, which is why I never wanted her to know. This is too much. How do I manage this situation? Is there a parent handbook or some shit I can read?
Of course, what comes out is completely unhelpful. "You know eavesdropping is rude, Violet."
Eyes narrowing, she sits up taller as my hands land on my hips. We've squared off like this many times, but it's usually Violet on the defensive side. The tables really need to stop fucking moving.
"Why did you hide it from me? I thought we were closer than best friends or family? We're soul mates, remember?" Violet's volume rises steadily as she batters my bruised heart. "How could you hide yourself from me?!"
That stills me. "What did you just say?" I can't control the steel that has seeped into my voice. I can feel the protective walls building around me. There have been times when Violet hits a nerve or a trigger for me, but this?
"You hide who you really are! I don't even know you!"
That does it. The shutters slam closed, and I draw my shoulders back. My chin lifts. "I'll be back in a bit."
With that, I snag my oversized sweater from the ground, slip some sweatpants on over my sleep shorts, and avoid looking at my kid. I need to leave. The tears are building. The emotions are making it hard for me to think clearly. I can't be trusted not to say something I regret.
She doesn't know me?
I'm choking on so much sadness I can't respond when Violet asks me where I'm going. Blinded by endless uncertainty, I don't see her running after me with a flip phone up to her ear as the apartment door closes behind me.
I fought so hard, so fucking hard, to chisel out a space for myself in my life. Figuring out who I am took so much effort, and it came with horrible guilt.
Violet is my world. I've given her every piece of me.
Except for one, because I knew, I fucking knew, it would make her view me differently.
I don't even know you.
Anything else would have hurt less. Anything.
I really thought I did a good job.