Chapter 14
Fourteen
There’s Only Now
The moment our hotel room door swings shut, I shove Eris back against it, kissing zim like I need zim to breathe.
Zis tongue against mine tastes of champagne and coffee and chocolate cake and raspberry drizzle as we devour each other.
Our kiss is dizzying, both of us breathing through quick gasps and moans as our hips roll together.
Eris’s hands fist at my shirt, pulling it from my slacks. Zis nails scrape my bare skin to pull me closer, making me shiver from how eager ze is for me, how desperate we are for each other. “Bambi,” ze hisses when I nibble zis lower lip.
“Eris,” I murmur, moving to zis neck.
“Fuck, you’re…” ze trails off. “God damn it, Blake. Wait.”
That’s not what I like to hear when I’m leaving a hickey, especially not in such a serious tone. I pull away. “What, what’s wrong?”
“We shouldn’t do this.”
My heart drops, and I step back. “What?”
Eris slumps back against the door, looking at zis feet.
I wait, burning with mortification. Perhaps I’ve misread something, and Eris actually is mad at me. But ze stays silent. “Talk to me Eris. If I did something wrong, I’m sorry. But can I at least know what I did?”
“It’s not you. Allie said—”
“What the fuck did Allie say?” I snap.
“Nothing!” Eris shakes zis head, raking a hand through zis long hair.
It’s been thoroughly messed up from me already, and seeing zim smooth out the snarls I made hurts.
“I just…” Ze groans. “God damn it, I have to talk about feelings and shit! I hate this.” Ze pushes off the door and stalks past me, kicking off zis heels.
Dress swishing with every stomp, Eris paces around the bed we slept in last night, zis bed technically.
Giving zim space, I sit on the end of the other bed, the one we fucked in, waiting.
“Okay, so here’s the deal.” Eris bunches zis skirt in zis fists. “I have kind of had a little—well, no not little, but whatever—little thing for you for a while.”
I blink, more than confused, because Eris has always been pretty condescending and rude to me. Then again, ze is condescending and rude to everyone. I’ve always admired how ze can be so enviably unapologetic about it. “How long is a while?”
Eris winces. “Like, since we met.”
I choke on my surprise. “Two years?!”
“Yeah. I know. Stella and Dream give me shit for it constantly.” Eris sits on the bed we slept in, too far away.
“At first, I thought it was just, you know, attraction or whatever. But then you never let me get away with shit like you do with everyone else. Like, you were so nice and sweet to everyone but me, and I thought that was funny.”
“You liked that I was a dick to you?” I ask skeptically, not daring to look up, instead staring at the snake tattooed around zis ankle.
Eris scoffs. “Like you’re one to talk.”
“Fair.” I nod for zim to continue, burying my hands under my thighs.
“I never expected you to let me be your plus-one to begin with, and I never expected us to get along so well, or see what you’re really like when we’re alone, or anything that happened last night,” Eris digs a toe into the carpet.
“You always seemed so lonely back home. But you have these wonderful, weird, straight people who love you so much, and you’re letting me see the you that they see, and I am honored that you’re letting me in like this.
” Zis fingers tighten around the duvet cover.
“But what if it doesn’t last past this weekend?
What if we go back to how it was, and you pull away and shut me out?
” Ze groans again. “I just… I dunno. My heart’s in it now, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to fool around again when it’s one-sided. ”
My head snaps up to look Eris in the eyes, but ze is staring at zis feet. “Who says it’s one-sided?”
Eris huffs. “Blake, you literally could not stand to be around me before yesterday. How is it not one-sided? You might like me here and now, but this isn’t real.
If we were back in Chicago, would you be holding my hand or whispering sweet shit in my ear?
No, and I can’t let myself forget that. Going back to normal after getting in so deep with you is already gonna suck hard, and I don’t want to make it worse. ”
I sigh, quietly gathering my courage to admit, “You scared me.”
Eyes shining, Eris looks at me, confused.
“It’s not that I couldn’t stand you. You were so confident, and outspoken, and interesting, and yes, attractive.
” I shake my head, laughing at the memories of how confused and hurt and lost I was two years ago.
“But I was just coming out of an eight-year relationship where I knew my ex and the woman I was in love with would get together as soon as I was gone. I didn’t have any friends, and I was in a new city after living in the same podunk town my whole life and just starting law school.
” I wrap my arms around myself. “I couldn’t let myself see you as anything other than an annoying acquaintance. You would have derailed my whole plan.”
Eris shakes zis head, hair hiding zis face. “And you’re about to start a demanding career, so I still don’t fit into your plan.”
“I don’t have a plan anymore!” I fall back on my bed with a frustrated groan.
“I take the bar next month, and I’m so overprepared because I haven’t let myself do anything but study for two fucking years!
My whole life, spite has kept me going, but since moving to Chicago, I’ve just been lonely and anxious and sad.
I want to live more, Eris, but I don’t know how.
” My voice cracks, but I fight the crushing wave of vulnerability.
“You said you were gonna drag me out of my head and make me hang out with everyone, and I want that! I want to spend time with you, to get to know you better. Not just as a friend, but in any way you let me.”
I roll onto my side, propping my head up on my elbow.
I will Eris to look at me, so ze knows how much I mean it.
But ze won’t meet my burning eyes. My voice softens as I say, “This can be real, if you want that. I want to hold your hand and tell you how gorgeous you are, and get to know Stella so I can tease you with them. So don’t say this is one-sided.
I want so much for myself, Eris, and you’re at the heart of everything. ”
Eris sits silently, looking hard at the floor before whispering, “You say that, but what happens when we get back, and it doesn’t work out?
” Ze runs a hand through zis hair, still not meeting my eyes.
“I act confident, but you heard how my mom talks to me, how only my grandma cares if I’m alive, and she doesn’t even remember me.
That shit cuts deep. I believe that you mean what you’re saying now, but how can you know what you’ll want later?
Letting myself feel more, only to have you reject me when we’re back to reality…
I’m scared shitless by how hard I’ve fallen for you in a fucking day!
” Eris glances at me, just for a moment, eyes wide and earnest, before ze looks back at the floor with a muttered, “Fuck!”
I sit in silence, searching for the right words to make Eris believe me.
But I don’t know that I can. The pain in zis voice won’t be solved with a conversation, not a hundred conversations.
Nothing I say or do tonight will change zis mind.
Only trust, slowly built moment by moment, will.
My chest aches with the echo of Matt breaking up with me; his mind was made up, too.
But with Eris, it’s not about me. This time, instead of Matt ending things for my own good, Eris is keeping me away for zis.
I have to respect that.
“Fine,” I say, sitting up to pull my stuffy formalwear off. I set my lighter and the tube leftover from my conversation with Matt onto the nightstand, chucking my suit towards the suitcase. Nothing hits the mark, but I can’t be bothered to pick any of it up.
In my binder and boxers, I crawl up the bed—my bed now, instead of the bed we fuck in—and flop onto my stomach. I wish it was still filthy with us, but the linens are fresh, as if last night never really happened. Eyes burning, I open my laptop to my bar study guide.
“Blake,” Eris sighs. “I didn’t mean to piss you off—”
“You didn’t,” I shoot zim a half-hearted smile over my shoulder, hoping my eyes aren’t red. “I like you, Eris, and I want to see where this goes. If you can’t believe that tonight, then I won’t pressure you. Trust me, I will show you I mean it when we’re back home, if that’s what you need.
“But,” I roll on my side to face zim, “Regardless of what happens, nothing will change how I feel about you right now. So if you want another night together before we return to reality, I am willing and eager to fulfill anything you want from me. Because last night was glorious, you’re glorious, and I want more.
” I shrug and turn back to my laptop as my voice wavers.
“But that’s your call. I’ll entertain myself by studying, if that’s not what you want. ”
Eris sits silently for a long time, zis deep breaths the only sound in the room.
I’m about halfway through the case study (which I’m not paying attention to at all, because my head is swirling and my heart aches) when Eris stands. Made delusional by my own desperation, I half expect zim to join me on the bed. To tell me ze changed zis mind and needs me as much as I need zim.
Instead, Eris shuffles around the room. Unzipping the dress I wanted to take off of zim. Brushing zis teeth in the bathroom, instead of kissing me.
Staring blankly at the laptop, I’m overwhelmed by embarrassment and confusion as the minutes tick by. The hot tears welling in my eyes make my screen impossible to read.
“Bambi,” Eris murmurs, the bed we slept in—no, zis bed—creaking as ze sits on the edge. Too close now, zis gravelly voice too gentle. “Come here.”
I shake my head, refusing to look over so ze won’t see my hurt. “You wanted space.”
“Blake, please.”