Chapter 10
Jessie
I don’t dream about the man who stole my childhood every night; sometimes I can go weeks without a nightmare, but at least once or twice a month, he’ll appear. I’m always climbing that rainy hill, walking alone, and looking for Stanley. When my dragon eventually arrives, the back of my mind puts out a warning I never fully pay attention to, like it knows that if the fantastical symbol of my innocence arrives, this can’t be real. And if it isn’t real, this is yet another dream that’s going to turn into a nightmare that will have me screaming into the darkness. However, it’s not enough to fully convince me that what is about to happen isn’t real, that I don’t have to be scared.
“Hi, Stanley,” I smile at the timid looking beast as we hold hands for a while. I talk about my day while he remains silent, listening intently as I ramble on about nothing in particular. When I laugh, he laughs with me, when I shiver, he brings up his wing to shelter me, and when I sigh, he cuddles me against his soft belly. He’s comforting, caring, and something I want to hold onto forever. But I know I can’t.
Once at the top of the hill, we turn around to see my mother sitting in the window, reading her book or talking to someone on the phone. It’s warm in there because I can see the fire crackling through the window; the lamps are already switched on in the living room. She’s wearing one of her big fluffy jumpers while I stand out here in the rain, wearing only my gym uniform, getting wetter by the second. After long moments of staring at her, willing her to look at me, the grey sky above rumbles with thunder, and that’s when Stanley yelps with fear and flies away.
“Stanley!” I shout, feeling terrified of being by myself, but unable to move from the spot I’m standing in. “Mom!” I then shout, even louder than I did for Stanley, but she doesn’t even flinch; she can’t hear me. “Mom, please?!”
“Hey, Sweety!” His voice says to me from behind, making me freeze on the spot I’m now stuck on. “Come with Daddy and I’ll make you feel safe again.”
I try to call out for my mother one more time, but this time, I don’t even have a voice with which to shout. I watch her with tears streaming down my face as she continues to laugh and smile with someone on the phone. Meanwhile, ‘Daddy’ is walking up along the gravel behind, humming nursery rhymes to try and entice me.
“I’ve got chocolate in my car; you know how much you love chocolate, Sweety!” he says in such a sinister voice, I feel sick. “I’ll look after you, Sweety, not like your mommy who lets you walk all the way home in the rain. Look, she doesn’t even look at you when you call for her. Come home with me, Sweety, I will love you like a parent should.”
I manage to shake my head, but he pays no attention, and just as I take in a breath to shout out for her a final time, his arms wrap around my body and rip me away from the spot. He drags me back toward his car with the scented leather seats and hot air blowing through the vents. My breath feels like it’s being cut off just before I use the last of it to finally scream.
“Hey!” Someone whisper shouts to me from the direction of my bedroom door, but I’m so disorientated from the nightmare, I can’t make out who it is. “Hey, it’s me, Jessie, it’s Warren; remember?”
I feel his body slip inside the bed next to me, the mattress dipping below his furnace-like skin and his tattoos wrapping around his arms that are currently reaching out for mine. I can’t answer him, I can only nod my head while I try to take in deep breaths to calm myself. He lets me, and waits patiently until eventually, I am just staring at him.
“Nightmare?” he asks. He knows exactly how it feels to suffer from terrors in the dark, so I simply nod again. “You want me to stay or go?”
“Stay,” I reply without pause for thought.
He looks right into my eyes for a moment or two and with a slight smile gracing his lips before we both slip down onto the bed. I flinch when he cradles me inside of his arms, but I soon warm up with his perpetual body heat radiating out from him. It’s not long until I calm myself within his embrace; I even feel comforted…safe. It takes me back to when Jake would have to hold me in order to fall asleep. And soon, I do. I fall into blackness, sleeping until morning without him turning up inside of my dreams.
I wake to see Warren still lying next to me, stretched out with one arm tucked under his head and the other hovering over his bits and pieces. I smile to myself over the memory of Jake sleeping like this, almost every night. It’s strange because I always thought it was cute on Jake, but with Warren it stirs lustful thoughts within me, making me remember that one night we had together. My cheeks begin to heat up and I suddenly have an urge to move away from him, to get myself to the bathroom where I can hide any evidence of my embarrassment.
That night had been so alien for me, so out of character, I half wonder if I had been momentarily possessed by somebody else. But then, when I look at him, chewing on my nail in thought over it, I can’t see how any hot-blooded woman could resist the man lying before me. And, for that night, when he warmed me from the inside out, I did become a real, live, heart-beating woman. But then, when I woke up to find him gone, I returned to being cold, just as I always am.
“Mm,” he groans, making me jump on the spot in front of the bed where I have been staring. “Morning.”
“Er…hi,” I whisper before quickly grabbing one of his sister’s robes to cover up.
“Shit,” he says with a smile, “we need to get you some clothes. You can’t keep slumming it in Lou’s old stuff. What say I take you into town today? In fact, I could ask Lou to go with you. It may come as a surprise when I tell you I’m not very knowledgeable when it comes to women’s clothing.”
“That’s ok, I don’t mind,” I rush out, “I’m ok wearing your sister’s cast-offs if she no longer wants them.”
“Honestly, Jess, it’s on me,” he replies, getting out of bed and stretching up even taller than he normally is, rendering me completely speechless. I blame that on the small piece of heat I can still feel radiating off him. “I owe you, so I’ll pay for anything you want.”
“I said I’m fine!” I snap more harshly than I meant to, which only makes him look at me with suspicion. I try to shy away from it but the guy’s a big brother, and one who had to play the role of a mom too.
“Jess!” he demands when I turn around to try and escape back inside the bathroom; the authority in his voice makes me freeze on the spot. “Turn around.”
When I finally do as he instructed, I try to act nonchalant, to hide my fear. Though I needn’t have bothered because he’s now looking at me like he’s caught me sneaking in after curfew. I suddenly feel sorry for Louisa having to grow up under his watchful eyes; in fact, I suddenly have a curiosity to meet her.
“Talk to me, Jess,” he says both softly and reproachfully, all at the same time, and with his arms crossed and those damn tattoos flexing at me.
“I’m afraid, alright? Is that what you wanna hear?” I ask him in barely more than a whisper. “I don’t want to go outside in the open because that’s where he took me; it’s where I lost my life. I was ripped away from my home, my family, my childhood, everything I knew, and it all happened out there, Warren.”
“Jess, I understand, and I half as much guessed at that, but out there is a big place, and I will be with you every step of the way, I promise. I’ll even brave it around the underwear section.”
“I appreciate that, Warren, really, but please-”
“You can’t stay inside for the rest of your life, Jess,” he says softly, edging toward me with his hands held up in the air. “We’ll go on my bike, go to one store, and then come straight back again. Come on, Jess, trust me!”
“No, I really don’t want to-”
“Jess-”
“Don’t make me!” I shout, no longer able to argue with him because I don’t have the strength.
Thankfully, my raised voice, the trembling in my hands, and the heat in my cheeks is enough to make him stop. But it doesn’t wipe away that look of disappointment; I know that reaction well. I’ve seen it every day from my parents ever since I escaped back home. The longing for me to turn back into the daughter they remember, the little girl who is no longer there, no longer part of their ‘normal’ world. In fact, after a few moments of staring at each other, he shuffles back from the door, smiles tightly, then exits altogether.
_____
Phoenix
As I stare out toward the few men who choose to frequent this place in the day, a collection of die-hards with nothing better to do on a Tuesday lunchtime, I can’t help thinking about Jessie being stuck indoors for the rest of her life. I guess we’re like a mirror, her and I, with my tragedy taking place trapped inside of a house, and hers being out in the open with no one to see her being taken. I can’t bear the thought of being stuck inside forever more, to not be able to fly through the wind on my bike, or to forever be confined to four walls and a bed. Jess, on the other hand, can’t stomach the idea of not being hidden behind a shield.
If I really think about it, the air is my salvation; the clean, fresh air. Some people crave the ocean or the sand beneath their feet, but for me, it will always be the air rushing through my hair, over my skin, and in my lungs. It doesn’t take a genius to know where my need for fresh air comes from. First, the fire - the thick, black smoke infecting my mother’s pink lungs - then my father with nicotine gluing his together with black tar. My need to escape that has always had me running for my bike; to ride so fast, I can physically feel the air permeating my skin.
Before I decide to blow the bar and make a quick getaway on my bike, my phone springs to life, showcasing my sister’s name across the cracked screen. I could have replaced it but what’s the point when I frequently lose my shit with it. I’ve thrown these things across the room so many times I’ve now lost count.
“What?” I huff because I’m still pissed off about what she and Jake decided to do.
“Afternoon, brother, always a pleasure to hear your happy, friendly voice,” she says sarcastically, forcing me to smile because she’s my kid sister after all. “Listen, I know you’re pissed with me, Phoenix, but I was doing it for your own good. I’ll admit, Jake’s execution of getting you together left a lot to be desired, but what can I say? He’s a bit of an idiot and I’ve learned never to leave ‘details’ to him in the future.”
“What do you want, Lou?” I practically grunt because I refuse to have this conversation over the phone.
“I just wanted to check you’d be there today; it’s the first, remember?” she asks as I look over at the calendar on the wall, cursing under my breath when I see she’s right.
“Then I’ll be there,” I sigh.
“And Jess?” she asks, and I find myself clenching my jaw over her saying her name so casually. I also realize that I’m going to have to make her come out of hiding which is going to take a lot of work on my part.
“If I’m going, so is she,” I reply curtly, “see you later, Lou.”
I hang up before she can say goodbye, which she knows will mean I’m still annoyed with her. She’ll get over it; she has her suburban house and her fancy, wealthy husband, Daniel, to take care of her now. The trouble is, she thinks that means I’ve got no one, that I’m the one that now needs taking care of. I don’t know, maybe she’s right, but I’ll be damned if my wet-behind-the-ears cousin and baby sister will be the ones to ‘save me’.
“Phoenix?” Jake calls over to me.
When I turn around, I’m surprised to see not only him but Jessie too. She eyes the few locals drinking their beer while they do the same to her.
You don’t often get new faces in here, so when one as pretty as Jess’ comes in, it tends to draw attention. I watch her eyes darting about the place, desperately trying to take everything in, turning deathly pale in the process.
The fear emanating from her entire body is palpable; it has me feeling so angry on her behalf, my hands ball into large fists by my sides.
Jake can obviously feel it too, seeing as he is tightening his grip around her shoulders, just before he mutters a few reassuring words inside her ear.
She takes in a few gulps of air before nodding. Meanwhile, Harry, an old guy on the stool which he sits on every lunchtime and evening without fail, quirks his head to the side, as if studying her with curiosity.
I glare back at him with a grimace that has him averting his eyes and shuffling uncomfortably on top of his seat.
“Phoenix, Jess has agreed to let me take her out,” Jake explains, which does nothing to ease the pressure in my fists.
“No!” I reply forcefully, which has not only Jake and Jess looking back at me with concerned faces but also Harry. “If she’s going out, then I’m going with her. We can’t both leave the bar, so she comes with me.”
“Are you shitting me?!” Jake cries with incredulity in his voice. Jess chances a glance at me and almost looks relieved. Her small hint of trust in me has me strengthening my resolve to argue with the bubbling inferno before me, even if he is my cousin. “Phoenix, I took care of this girl for six damn years under the same roof as a psychopath!”
“I’m not arguing with you Jake,” I level with him, “but if you push, you and I both know I’ll say something we might both regret. She comes with me; you cover the bar!”
“Over my—"
“It’s ok, Jake,” Jess says in a small voice, placing one of her delicate hands on his chest. “I trust your cousin and I know he’ll protect me should he need to.”
“Jess, you sure? You didn’t want to before—"
“I know, but if you’re all going to force me to go out, I may as well go with a trained hitman,” she replies before walking over to stand next to me. I feel bad for Jake; her words have just made him feel inadequate, even if that wasn’t her intention.
“Fine!” he snaps before grabbing a few empties and stomping out back.
“What made you change your mind?” I ask her quietly, looking over at Harry so I can silently warn him to stop ogling. When I meet her gaze again, I lose all conscious thought for a moment. She looks different in the light, like a new day with the hope of it being a better one after a period of darkness.
“Sometimes my mind forces me to go outside, to distract me” she explains, swallowing hard and looking a little ashamed, “otherwise it has me thinking of…scarier times.”
“Right,” I reply, knowing full well how that feels because I experience the same thing on a daily basis. Flashes of my mother during that fire, my father dying, and even Lou in that hospital bed after she had been attacked, all frequently appear in my day-to-day life. That’s when I know I need to get out and clear it all away. “Let’s go.”
As soon as Jake returns, sporting a scowl and a generally pissed-off demeanor, I lead Jess toward the front door and throw out my hand for her to step outside. She takes a deep breath before eventually putting her foot over the threshold where a gust of wind kicks up the sand beneath her. She stares at it before looking up to see my outstretched hand, eyeing it with caution before she eventually accepts it inside of her own. I offer her a lopsided smile, but she merely expels another breath before nodding her head, and gesturing to the great outside space before us.
“Jess,” I whisper as I pull her further out, “you are safe with me. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Warren,” she utters, “someone should have told my parents that before they failed to keep me from being taken.”
I stare at her for a while, wondering how long she’s been bitter about what happened to her. She’s lost faith in everyone and everything, even herself. Had it not been for my dad, my sister, and Javier, perhaps I’d be exactly the same. I decide in the here and now, to become that crutch for her, and bring her back to life.