Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Rolling down the windows two inches, Claire allowed the tangy salt air from the ocean breeze to filter through the car. Driving down the two-lane highway hugging the Pacific Ocean, the tension between her shoulder blades loosened with each passing mile. Los Angeles drew further and further away, and Pismo came closer. Going home, her real home, if only for the weekend, made her smile.
Pulling Alexis out of school at lunch, they beat most of the Friday gridlock traffic from Los Angeles past Santa Barbara. With their current cruising rate, Alexis was going to be on time for her orthodontist appointment.
David.
She sighed.
Her lungs burned and skin itched at the thought of seeing him again. In her mind, she practiced her best neutral responses and vowed to not reveal how she was still hung up on him.
Glancing out her window, the rhythmic crashing of the waves pushed back at whatever was bubbling up. Her mind drifted to Mom. Claire turned down the radio, clearing her throat. “I think we should make time to go by Mom’s grave tomorrow, they finally have the headstone on, and I want to see it before we leave.”
Alexis stopped fiddling with her phone. Her fingers froze on the screen, peering over at her. “I agree, I think I’m ready to go by the gas station too,” replied Alexis.
Gripping the steering wheel tighter, Claire’s chest pinched tight. Her pulse thundered in her veins and with her free hand she swiped at her slick brow. Stealing a glance at Alexis, she asked, “Do you think you’re really ready?”
Claire wasn’t ready, but then again, she doubted she’d ever be.
“We can’t avoid the place forever.” Alexis stared out her passenger side window, rolling down the window completely to let her arm hang out the side. She widened her fingers, letting the air pass between them. “There are only a handful of gas stations,” Alexis spoke loudly over the vibrating sound of the humming engine and fresh flowing air, “it’s starting to get annoying to drive a mile out of the way to get gas.” Her voice trailed off.
Claire found it hard to breathe. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. The air plowed through the car taking with it her last bit of self-preservation. Could she finally return to the place where Mom took her last breath? Was Claire strong enough to replace a horrible memory with good ones? Alexis was ready, Claire was the older sister after all, which meant she needed to follow her lead even if it proved to be painful.
Gritting her teeth, Claire forced herself to respond. “You might be right.” She glanced once more out the window, then concentrated her attention on the upcoming curve in the road. One side of the car hugged chiseled mountain rock while the other side gave way to the ocean. “We’ll see. Maybe we can drive by on our way out of town on Sunday.”
“Sunday,” repeated Alexis. Like it was final.
Alexis pulled her arm back into the car. Claire pressed the window button, closing the windows tight. With the car quiet once more, it gave Claire a moment to clear her head.
“Saturday, Juliet has the entire day planned out for me,” continued Alexis. Her voice oozing with excitement. “She arranged for us to hang out with all my friends at the usual places we love. It’s going to be awesome.”
“And where might that be?” asked Claire, grateful for a change in subject.
Alexis scoffed. “You know, bowling alley, pier, yogurt shop, the caves I love.”
“Did you need me to drive you around? I don’t mind one bit,” said Claire.
Saturday, Claire needed something to make herself scarce. Kelly and Stephen were nice enough to let them stay at their house for free this weekend, but they certainly didn’t need her hanging around their house the entire time. Claire promised she’d be busy the entire weekend, and only needed a place to crash at night.
“No,” said Alexis firmly. “Juliet’s taken care of it. You only need to drop me off at her house in the morning. Her mom will bring me by late in the evening.” She glanced up from her phone, tilting her head toward her. “We can visit Mom’s grave on Sunday. The gas station too. I’ll make time for it.”
“Then it’s settled.” Claire reached out, cranking up the radio. The soothing sounds of Adele blasted back at them. Claire sang loudly along with the music, hoping to forget about whatever hard parts she might have to face during the weekend.
“I still don’t understand why you are so obsessed with Adele.” Alexis rolled her eyes. “She’s only okay .”
Claire laughed. “Oh honey, sit back while I educate you on how completely awesome Adele is.”
Shifting around in her seat, Alexis crossed her arms. “Fine,” she gave her a pointed look. “Go ahead, I’m ready.”
Then Claire and Alexis held a healthy debate on singers the entire rest of the way to Pismo. By the time she took the exit, Claire managed to push away her anxiety for the weekend. But as David’s office came into view, her heart picked up to a steady staccato. Palms clammy, sweat smattered across her forehead, pouring down her back.
Pulling into the parking lot, Claire forced herself to sound cheerful and upbeat when she said, “We’re here.” She parked the car, turning off the ignition. Glancing at the clock on the dashboard, she continued, “We even managed to get here right on time.”
Alexis unlocked her seatbelt. “I can’t wait to tell David about my new dance studio.”
“He might be busy with other patients.” Claire unbuckled her seatbelt too. Opening the visor mirror, she double checked her appearance in the small mirror. She hated how much she cared. “I wouldn’t get your hopes up if he can’t talk to you for a long time.”
“He’ll have time,” replied Alexis. “He told me he made sure we were his last appointment of the day.”
Perfect. Claire gritted her teeth. With a shaky hand, she dug out her lip gloss from her purse.
Alexis opened her car door. Shifting, she gazed over at Claire reapplying her lip gloss in the visor mirror. “Don’t worry, you look gorgeous as always. He’ll totally regret ending things with you.”
Claire stopped mid swipe, turning to eye Alexis. “I’m not worried about that.” But even she knew how ridiculous she sounded. Here she was reapplying her lip gloss and smoothing out her hair. “My lips were chapped so I figured lip gloss would do the trick.”
Alexis laughed, climbing out. “Liar.” Shaking her head, she closed the car door.
Wandering across the parking lot, Alexis entered the office. With a huff, Claire slammed the visor mirror shut and tossed her lip gloss back into her purse. What did her sister know? Nothing. Getting out of the car, Claire remembered to straighten her back and pull back her shoulders.
A chime on the door announced her arrival. Sarah glanced over from her seat at the reception desk. Brightly, Sarah smiled. “You’ve made it. Our last appointment of the day, and only one more appointment for Ms. Alexis.”
Sarah’s smile was contagious, making her anxiety slowly wither away. Claire crossed the room toward Sarah.
“Yes,” Claire stopped in front of the reception desk. “Alexis has been reminding me constantly.” Readjusting her purse strap, Claire asked, “Should I schedule her last appointment right now?”
Sarah moved herself closer to her desk, wiggling her mouse, the schedule popped up on the screen. “Yes, let’s see what we have available. Dr. Clark knows I need to leave as soon as I checked you two in.” Then Sarah paused, grinning she added, “I have a big date tonight.” Her eyes sparkled with anticipation.
Claire smiled. “Good luck. I hope you have a fantastic time.”
“Thanks, he’s something special,” replied Sarah. “I’m excited.” Then she waved it off.
The conversation went back to scheduling Alexis’s final appointment. Once on the calendar for four weeks from then, on another Friday afternoon, Sarah left, leaving Claire in the empty waiting room.
Awkwardly, Claire took a seat, grabbing a magazine off the stack on the coffee table. Legs bobbing back and forth, she forced herself to read an article on how to look ten years younger. If only , she scoffed. Halfway through reading the long explanation of skin care regimens, a shuffling of footsteps into the waiting room interrupted her attention. She snapped her head in the direction of the sound. Alexis appeared. And then there David was in all his rugged, perfectly handsome glory.
With wobbly knees, Claire stood, tossing the magazine down on the coffee table. “Are you done already?” asked Claire. The words came out shaky and overly high.
Alexis beamed. “Yep,” Alexis glanced over at David. “David says next time I come I get to have them taken off.” She did a little dancing jig.
Claire couldn’t help but chuckle, helping to release the pent-up tension in between her shoulder blades. “I’m glad you’re so thrilled. I’ve already made the follow up appointment to get your braces off, are you ready to go?” She skillfully avoided eye contact with David, knowing a look from him would make her stomach do all sorts of weird things.
“Yes.” Alexis stepped toward her. “Can you drop me off at Juliet’s?”
Taking a few steps toward the door, Claire said, “I thought you were meeting up with her tomorrow and spending the entire day together. I thought we had tonight together.”
David strode in front of them, opening the door. He held it open for them.
Alexis stopped on the threshold. “I’m meeting her tomorrow too, but Juliet said she’s free tonight as well. I know you have nothing important planned.” With pleading eyes, Alexis dragged her feet, and continued, “I only have this weekend to hang out with my friends. You must let me go. Please.”
Claire shook her head, passing through the door. Skillfully, she avoided locking eyes with David. “I understand.” Digging into her purse, Claire located her keys and pressed the unlock button. “I’ll drop you off at Juliet’s house.”
In her na?ve state, Claire had thought they’d go eat something down by the pier then maybe take a walk along the beach together. But then she remembered she was Alexis’s sister, not her friend. Alexis was a teenager, who wanted to spend every possible minute with the friends she missed.
Smiling, Alexis replied, “You’re the best.” Alexis ran ahead across the parking lot toward the car.
“Don’t you know it!” shouted Claire toward Alexis. “I want that in writing!”
Opening the car door, Alexis slid inside and shut the door. Shifting a bit, Claire’s gaze flickered to David.
David grinned, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I take it you and Alexis are getting along better.”
Claire shrugged, trying her best to act undeterred in his presence. “I guess when you give someone exactly what they want, then it’s easy to get along.”
Chuckling, David replied, “True.”
Being there with David, exchanging their familiar banter, made her remember how much Claire enjoyed his company. Claire lingered longer than needed.
After a few beats of silence, Claire cleared her throat. She couldn’t stall any longer. “I—I should go.” She pulled out her sunglasses and put them on.
“Do you have any big plans for the weekend?” asked David.
Fidgeting with her purse, Claire hiked it back on her shoulder. “Apparently not anymore,” Claire gestured toward her car. Then sped on, not wanting to appear desperate. “But I’ve plenty to keep me occupied. I’ve a few loose ends to tie up with Mom’s estate.”
“My parents told me you’re staying at their house,” replied David.
Swiping her hair over her shoulder, Claire said, “Yes. I’m very grateful. It took the worry of how I was going to pay for a hotel off my list.” She studied him, wondering what he thought of the entire situation.
“My parents are good people,” David glanced toward the car with Alexis in the passenger seat. “I’m glad they could help you both.”
Everything clicked into place. This whole thing was about helping Alexis. Claire took a step away from him, widening the gap. “Thanks again. We’ll see you in a month for her last appointment.” She walked briskly toward her car without glancing back.
A commotion in her chest made her ultra-aware of what she couldn’t hide. With shaky hands, Claire reached for the car door handle. The quicker she left, the less of a fool she’d be.
“Wait!” called out David.
Her heart skipped a beat. Claire let go of the car door handle, shifting to face him.
Jogging across the parking lot, David stopped in front of her. Out of breath, his words sputtered out, “I was going to walk to Splash Café tonight to get clam chowder for dinner. I thought I’d take some to my parents too. Would you like to join me?”
Her gaze skidded across his face, and Claire remembered the feeling of his stubble under her thumb, the intoxicating scent of his cologne, how being with him made the loneliness disappear. Claire still wanted him. Don’t even think about it. Say no. This isn’t smart and you know it. You are going back to Los Angeles. No need to go back heartbroken, again.
If only she would listen to herself.
With a small shrug, Claire shyly smiled. “Sure, why not.”
David grinned brightly, making her middle pool with warmth. “Wonderful. I’ll meet you at the pier in an hour.”
Opening the door, Claire gave a small wave. “See you in an hour.” Then she climbed in and shut the door.
Through the rear-view mirror, she watched as David made his way back across the parking lot and went into his office. Claire started the car, pulling out of the parking lot.
Mockingly, Alexis repeated, “See you in an hour.”
Claire whipped her face toward her sister, wide eyed. When she didn’t say anything right away, Alexis cackled.
“Oh dear…” Alexis wagged a finger at her. “I knew it. You’re right back on track.”
“On track for what?” asked Claire.
“For you and David to realize you belong together.” Alexis turned her attention back to her phone. Her fingers tapped rapidly, and she didn’t look up when she added, “David’s going to realize he’s falling completely in love with you.”
“Nobody’s falling in love.” Claire continued through town. “We’re only going to get something to eat. If you don’t remember you ditched me for an evening with your friends.”
“Whoops. Sorry about that,” replied Alexis. “But you can’t blame me. I need to stay connected with my friends especially if we move back by Christmas.”
“We’re not moving back!” Claire practically screamed.
Then Alexis burst out laughing. “Oh boy, you’re in trouble.” She laughed so hard; tears ran down her cheeks. She swiped at the corners of her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “I love seeing you like this—frazzled.”
Gripping the steering wheel tighter, Claire saw her knuckles turning white. “I’m not frazzled. I’m chill as a cucumber.”
Still laughing, Alexis said, “Please don’t ever say chill as a cucumber again.”
Claire rolled her eyes, but the tension in her shoulders disappeared.
“I’m sorry,” said Alexis. “I like teasing you. Because you’re easy to tease. I know it isn’t funny, but you and David were distracting me from remembering things…” Her voice faded off, and she stared out the passenger side window.
Claire slowed the car down, not wanting to arrive at Juliet’s house before Alexis divulged everything. Instead, Claire made a right turn, taking the longer way along the ocean.
Flipping the music playing from the radio off, Claire asked, “What things?”
Alexis exhaled. “Things like how being here makes me think of Mom at every turn.” Alexis kept her gaze out the passenger side window. Claire didn’t interrupt but waited for her to finish. “Sometimes I wonder if this ache in my chest will ever go away. Or how I’ll ever find a way to forgive the person who did this to her—to us.”
Her words pushed out every ounce of oxygen left in Claire’s chest. Pulling the car to the side of the road, Claire put the car in park. Moisture tickled the corners of her eyes, Claire glanced up, blinking rapidly. Wringing her hands together, Claire tried to find the words to make everything okay. But then she knew no words would ever heal the broken parts in each of them.
“It was an accident.” Claire voice came out almost in a whisper. Shifting, Claire reached out and gripped Alexis’s shoulder. “The guy had a heart attack and died too.”
Alexis swiped at the tears running rampant down her cheeks, seeping into her sweatshirt. “I…” Her voice cracked. “I’m still so angry Mom was taken from us.” Alexis cried into her palmed hands.
Claire wrapped her arms around Alexis bringing her closer. Alexis cried some more on her shoulder.
Once Alexis’s chest stopped heaving, Claire loosened their embrace a tad. “I think someday it’ll get easier.” She stared out the windshield, wondering what easier even meant. “I mean I pray every day for it to get better. Someday in the future, I don’t know when, but we’ll be able to talk about Mom without this debilitating pain in our chests. And someday you’ll find a way to forgive too.”
“I don’t think it’s possible for me.” Alexis broke their embrace, swiping at her eyes with the back of her wrist. Opening the glovebox, Alexis dug out the travel pack of tissues. Pulling a tissue out of the package, she blew her nose. Tightly, Alexis grasped the tissue into a ball. “I’m so angry. I don’t think I can ever stop being this mad.”
Claire leaned back in her seat, gripping the steering wheel with one hand. She didn’t have an answer, at least not one which quickly resolved everything. “I think it’s possible.” She exhaled. “I must trust someday with God’s help, I can find a way to be free from this level of pain. I hold out hope, and it’s hope that keeps me hanging on and moving forward.”
Alexis sat rigidly in her seat, staring out her passenger side window. Silence permeated the car. Claire turned back on the ignition, pulling back onto the road. The familiar streets of her childhood passed by in a blur. If she didn’t make the next right, Claire would be too late to avoid the gas station where it happened. She hesitated, wondering if it was too much too soon, but it had been over five months. Accelerating the car, Claire passed her last possible exit route before the gas station.
“Wait,” said Alexis, peering over at Claire then back out the passenger window. “You’re not turning…” Her voice trailed off.
Her heartbeat tripled its speed, making sweat form on her brow. “It was your idea,” replied Claire. “You’re pushing me to do hard things.”
Alexis slouched. “I know…” She clasped and unclasped her hands in her lap. “I thought I was ready, now I’m not so sure.”
A drip of moisture ran down her back as the gas station came into full view on the right. With shaky hands, Claire drove past the gas station without stopping.
A hand flew to Alexis’s chest, her breathing labored. But Alexis didn’t say anything more. The light up ahead turned red, and Claire brought the car to a stop.
From the rear-view mirror, she saw the edge of the gas station. Slowly, thump by thump her heart rate returned to normal, making her stronger with each beat. “Sunday, we’ll stop and go inside the convenience store.”
Alexis peered over her shoulder, out the back window, taking in the remaining view of the gas station. “Okay. Sunday. I’ll be ready then,” stated Alexis.
“Me too,” replied Claire. “Me too.”