Chapter 15
‘Are you okay?’ I asked when I walked out behind Blake.
He was pacing outside while I stood and watched, wondering why I was worried about a complete stranger. Maybe it was because his situation was so similar to my own. And now that we had lied to Sarah and Henry, we were in this together.
‘I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Everything moved so fast with me and Sarah.
We only met a year ago and now we live and work together, and I bought a ring…
and then I walked in and found her with another man in our apartment.
And now she’s here saying it didn’t mean anything and I should take her back. ’
‘Only a year?’ My eyes widened as that sank in. ‘You really changed your whole life so quickly for her? You must have been head over heels,’ I couldn’t help but say.
Blake stopped pacing and looked at me. ‘I did fall head over heels but everything happened so fast, I didn’t have a second to think about what I really wanted.
That’s why I came to stay here: to think.
But now Sarah has followed me and I’m feeling that same feeling all over again – like I’m on a rollercoaster that I’m not sure how to slow down.
’ He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry I blurted out that we knew each other but I didn’t like how Henry was talking to you.
And your face… I wondered if you also felt like you were on a rollercoaster.
I never lie. I feel terrible about lying.
But then Willow confirmed it, and I couldn’t take it back. ’
‘It’s okay. I know you, and Willow, just wanted to help me.
But I don’t think it’s worked. Henry seems unable to believe I’d consider another man.
I don’t think he buys that anything is going on between us.
’ I realised then that I wanted him to believe it.
That maybe it would stop me from going back to him.
‘Sarah believes it, but she thinks I’m only doing it to punish her for her betrayal, that it doesn’t mean anything in the same way she says that her fling with that man doesn’t.’ He said the words ‘that man’ with bitterness.
‘She thinks we’re… dating?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Blake said, thinking that annoyed me.
‘No, maybe she can persuade Henry that we really are,’ I said hopefully.
The farmhouse door opened and Sarah walked out, closely followed by Henry.
‘I can’t believe you two are sneaking off like this,’ Sarah said. ‘Blakey, I told you I made a mistake. Why won’t you let me fix this? Are you really choosing her over me?’
‘I don’t know,’ Blake said, looking from her back to me, sounding as confused as I felt. ‘I asked for space, time to think, but you just showed up and now I don’t know what to do.’
‘You want space?’ she repeated, confused.
‘Yes,’ Blake snapped. ‘I want some space to think!’
‘Fine. But whatever this is,’ she glared at me, ‘won’t last five minutes. You’re just a rebound. He belongs with me!’ She turned to Blake. ‘When you realise that, call me!’ Then she flounced off towards her car.
Hope rose inside my chest that Henry might also leave.
But he turned to me and said, ‘Daisy, can we finish our conversation, please?’
‘You don’t have to,’ Blake said quickly.
‘Daisy. I’ve come all this way. We almost got married. You owe me this, don’t you?’ he added to me.
‘Daisy—’
‘Seriously, can you leave us alone?’ Henry interrupted whatever Blake was about to say to me. His face was turning red again. I didn’t want things to escalate any further.
‘It’s okay,’ I told Blake. ‘Henry, let’s go up to my room and we can talk,’ I added. Although I was nervous to, I did feel like I owed him a conversation.
I hesitated before I followed Henry back inside. I glanced at Blake. He gave me a reassuring nod. It made me feel a tiny bit better. I nodded back. More understanding floated between us. We were connected now.
Inside, I led the way upstairs, Henry following close behind me.
It felt so strange to have him on the farm.
He seemed completely out of place. When I walked into my room, I could see him looking around and judging it.
It was very different to our bedroom back at his parents’ house; that was grand and plush and modern. And far less cosy.
Henry closed the door behind him. I went to sit in the armchair so Henry had to perch on the bed.
‘God, Daisy, I can’t believe you want to be here on this farm when you could come home with me to a mansion.’ He didn’t even say it in a snobbish way, just still matter-of-factly confident that my life with him was what every woman would want.
I now really was angry at his inability to listen to me and what I wanted.
Was it any wonder I had snapped at the last minute on our wedding day?
I took a breath and tried to be calm but firm.
‘I can stay on this farm. And I will. Because right now, that’s what I want to do.
You need to open your eyes and ears and hear that I’m not happy in our life together.
Why would I have left our wedding otherwise?
I’m sorry but I don’t think we’re right together.
I don’t think we should get married. Not now.
Or… ever.’ I said the last word softly. I didn’t want to hurt him.
But once the word was out of my mouth, I felt relieved.
He had turned up expecting that our wedding day had been just a blip. But I knew deep down, it wasn’t.
Henry stared at me for a long minute. I think finally, he had heard me.
He looked stunned. More so even than when I’d told him in my wedding dress that I had to get out of there.
He had been expecting to be able to talk me around, like he was able to do with pretty much everyone and everything in his entitled life.
Then he stood up and came to stand in front of me.
‘Daisy, I have spent five years loving you. I can’t, I won’t, just stop.
You need time, I get that now. But when you’re ready, I know you’ll realise you love me too, and our life is what you want. ’
‘Henry—’ I began, sure he couldn’t love me because he didn’t know me. I had made sure he didn’t.
‘I’m sorry I let the wedding get away from us,’ he talked over me.
‘That won’t happen again. You are my future.
And I’m yours. What will you do without me?
Can you picture not working with me and living with me?
Our home, our life: it’s everything. You will be completely alone if you don’t come home with me.
I know you want security and safety, a partner and a family; I can give you all that. ’
He’d taken what I said about not wanting to be alone as a positive thing.
I knew it had kept me with him when I didn’t love him.
I knew it had meant I let him dictate everything.
But he saw it as offering me security and safety.
And wanted to know what I was going to do without any of that.
What would happen if that safety was taken away from me?
Could I decide my future without him?
Panic swept over me.
I had no idea what to do next.
The future looked blurry, like a polaroid picture before you shook it into existence. What if I couldn’t shake the future I wanted into existence? What if I stayed forever stuck and uncertain, and… all alone?
I sucked in air desperately but now, I was struggling to breathe.
The room spun.
I felt light-headed and like I might pass out.
Yet somehow, I couldn’t take a proper breath.
This was something I’d been worried would happen ever since I fled our wedding. I had been keeping the panic at bay but now I couldn’t.
‘Daisy, what’s going on?’ Henry was on the floor then, crouching in front of me. His hands touched mine gently. ‘Breathe, Daisy. Breathe with me.’
Confused, I met his eyes and did what he instructed. He sucked in deep, calming breaths and I copied him. For a few seconds, the only sound in the room was us breathing in unison.
Henry squeezed my hands. ‘That’s it. You’ll be okay.’
‘Will I?’ I asked him – and the universe – feeling light-headed and dizzy. My pulse and heart rate were still rapid but I could take in air now.
‘Yes, I promise.’ Henry leaned in and kissed me once gently on the lips. ‘I’m not leaving you. Not now. You need me even if you can’t see it yet. Look at what’s just happened. The thought of leaving me made you panic.’
I felt confused. Did it?
‘I knew there was nothing serious going on between you and Blake. He can’t look after you like I can. He can’t help you like I can. You’re mine to take care of. You don’t want me to leave today, do you? You don’t want me to go home yet, do you?’
The thought of an unknown future was what made me panic but if I stayed with Henry, it would be known. That was suddenly appealing in this moment. I might sometimes feel lonely, but I wouldn’t be alone. Maybe that was enough. I felt myself shake my head.
Henry beamed. ‘That’s the right decision, Daisy. I’ll find somewhere in Birchbrook to stay for a couple of days. We can talk about things more, then you can come back home with me. Everything will be okay now I’m here with you. We belong together. I’ll be patient until you realise it too.’
I looked into his eyes. I was shaky and scared, but knowing I had someone who wanted to look after me helped.
That’s what Henry had done from the start.
He’d taken away the ache of loneliness in my heart that had been there since my parents had passed away.
Panic that I would be alone forever. That life would always seem dark.
Fear washed over me at the thought of letting that anchor go. I would be adrift if I did. Like a boat lost at sea. I had been lost for so long. What if I never found my way home?
‘You need me,’ Henry said, firmly then.
And in that weak moment, despite the fact I hated myself for it, I agreed with him.
‘Okay,’ I said. Because it was easier to let him stay.
To keep him close. To not finish things between us.
I took the coward’s way out again. I couldn’t tell him to leave me for good.
Even though there was that whisper again deep down in my heart that told me I would be ultimately happier if I did.
I pushed the whisper away.
Henry smiled. ‘That’s my Daisy.’
What had I done?