Chapter 16
Blake found me later that evening as I was walking Maple around the farm.
Once Henry had left to book into the Birchbrook Arms, I’d asked Willow to let me take her dog out with me, wanting the company and needing the fresh evening air to help revive me.
I felt strange after the panic I’d experienced in my room, like my body had been put through the wringer.
I was tired but also wired. I hoped the walk would calm me down enough so I’d be able to sleep but I kept replaying what had happened over and over, the beautiful farm scenery not able to banish my turbulent thoughts.
‘Mind if I come along? I could use the company,’ Blake said as he fell into step with me.
‘I don’t think I’ll be very good company, but sure,’ I replied. I watched as Maple tore across the farm, looking joyful in a way that I wish humans could.
‘I’m all talked out from earlier, so same,’ Blake replied.
We walked for a couple of minutes in silence.
We headed towards the strawberry fields without discussing it.
I thought about all the props I’d bought earlier with Willow – that felt like such a long time ago.
We hadn’t even got them out of her car before Henry and Sarah turned up and the whole day turned into something completely different to how it had begun.
‘Henry is staying in town,’ I said, finally able to say something.
I looked up at the sky, which was turning a dusty pink as the sun slipped down below the horizon.
Out here, it felt like the sky went on forever.
I couldn’t see an end to it. It made me feel small.
A tiny piece in the universe. Somehow, that made me feel a bit better, though.
Problems seemed so large sometimes but really they, and we, were all so small.
‘I couldn’t tell him to go,’ I admitted as I looked across at Blake, his face lit up by the golden hour in a way that made him look even more handsome.
‘I’m scared to let go. Is that pathetic? ’
‘No, Daisy. It’s hard. Sarah cheated on me but we have the app together; I feel like I can’t just tell her to go away for good. But at least she’s given me some breathing space now.’
‘I don’t know what happened with Henry. I’m confused. He didn’t even want to entertain the idea of us,’ I said, pointing between me and Blake.
‘Sarah thought I was with you to punish her. Maybe that’s why I told the lie. To get her back for what she did? I don’t know.’ Blake sighed. ‘Shall I tell her the truth? I mean, if you want to get back with Henry then we can’t keep pretending we’re seeing each other, can we?’
‘I don’t want to get back with him,’ I said quickly.
‘I’m just finding it hard to think about what the future looks like without him.
’ I hated what I was saying. What if I ended up spending my life with someone just to avoid being alone?
I’d never feel that kind of love that my mum had talked about having with my dad.
Or that Willow seemed to have with Dylan.
Or what my uncle had had with my aunt. ‘Am I weak, Blake?’ I blurted out.
‘The thought of Henry going, of being alone, made me panic and I just…’ I gulped in the fresh air quickly, scared of what happened earlier happening again.
Blake stopped walking so I did too. He faced me and touched my shoulder just once.
‘I don’t know you well, Daisy. At all even.
But someone who walks away from something that wasn’t making them happy isn’t weak, okay?
You are strong. I can see that. Everything is up in the air for you right now.
For both of us. But you can follow your heart, and it will lead you right. I believe that.’
‘And you?’ I asked him softly. ‘Will yours lead you right too?’
‘I hope so. I want to stay for the two weeks I planned to here. And then I’ll see how I feel.’
‘That’s a good plan. I need a plan.’
‘Maybe if you can’t let him go, Henry is your future.’ Blake avoided my eyes and said Henry’s name tightly.
‘You think that would be a mistake, though?’
‘I didn’t like the way he talked to you, or acted with you, no,’ Blake said carefully. ‘I just hope that whatever decisions you make, they are your choices, Daisy.’
‘Me too,’ I whispered.
Maple barked, looking back at us like we were ruining her vibe. We continued to walk after her.
‘If I do leave Sarah, I have no idea what we’d do with our business. And you work with Henry’s dad, you said?’ Blake asked after a minute.
‘Yes, I’m his PA. I never planned to have an office job, or to be someone’s assistant,’ I confided as we passed the strawberry crops rapidly springing up, the fruit growing and ripening before our very eyes.
It was amazing to think Willow had planted all this as seeds and soon people would be picking them and taking them home to have with yogurt or whipped cream.
‘What did you want to be when you were younger?’ Blake asked.
I smiled as I remembered. ‘A florist. My mum was a florist. She had a flower shop in the village we lived in. It wasn’t a million miles from here.
That’s why I spent so much time with Willow growing up.
God, Mum loved flowers. She knew the history, and the meaning of them all.
Hence my name.’ My smile faded. ‘She wanted us to work together one day. I thought that’s what would happen.
But when she died, the shop was sold and I never could bring myself to do it without her. ’
‘Do you enjoy the office work?’
The question took me off guard. Neither Henry nor his father, nor anyone actually, over the past five years had asked me that.
I shook my head. ‘No, not really. I’m good at it but I don’t enjoy it.
It’s just work.’ I shrugged, wondering how many people really enjoyed their jobs.
I knew Willow did but the farm was a vocation, a way of life, for her. It was different.
‘That’s a shame. I know how you feel, though. I never quite got into my stride working with Sarah. Maybe I will; it’s early days. I mean, if we carry on. But I always thought I’d work with my father.’
‘In the antiques shop?’ I asked, wondering if he realised that his eyes had lit up from just mentioning it.
Blake nodded. ‘My dad is so passionate about it, it rubbed off on me and I liked helping him out when I was younger and then after university, I sort of looked for other jobs but I enjoyed working with him too much to pursue them. He was upset when I left to work with Sarah, although he tried not to show it. My sister, on the other hand, was furious with me.’
‘She doesn’t work there too?’
‘No. She and her husband run a riding school, hence why they have my horse right now. They have two kids so they are super busy. They still live in my family home with my dad, though, so they help him when he needs it. I feel far away from them even though geographically here on the farm, I’m really not. ’
‘You didn’t want to stay with them after what happened with Sarah?’
‘I upset them so much a year ago when I left them to be with Sarah. I’m not sure they want to see me. We speak on the phone sometimes but it hasn’t been the same since. I don’t know what to do.’
‘They are your family, you don’t want to lose them; believe me, I know,’ I said softly.
‘I’m sorry, Daisy; that must sound terrible when you have lost so much.’
‘Families are tricky, I get that, but just don’t do something you might regret one day.’
‘You must miss your parents so much,’ Blake said.
‘I’ll never be the same,’ I said simply.
He nodded. ‘Of course not.’
‘Don’t be too proud to go home, Blake. Yes, maybe it was a mistake with Sarah – you’re not sure yet about that – but either way, you need them.
And they need you.’ He had no idea how lucky he was that they were out there for him to go home to if he wanted.
I could never go home again. I was so grateful to my uncle and cousin right now but this had never been my home.
I had no idea where I belonged any more.
‘You’re right. I’m being a coward avoiding them.
I have been for the past year. It’s been easier not to go home, especially as Sarah was never keen on visiting them after that first time.
’ He sighed. ‘What if they were right about us? I have been careful and cautious my whole life; for once, I took a chance with my heart. Now I feel like I shouldn’t take chances ever again. ’
‘Well, you can’t think that way,’ I said.
‘If this doesn’t end up working out then at least you tried, you went for it and followed your heart.
You shouldn’t feel bad about that at all.
So many people don’t take any chances in life and regret it.
I wish I was more like you. I used to be but I don’t think I can be now.
’ I once was fearless; now I tried to play it safe.
To avoid what had happened to my parents happening to me maybe.
They’d lived life to the full. But their lives had been cut short.
Maybe I thought living smaller would mean living longer.
‘Are you happy with the woman you are now?’
Blake’s question hung between us for a long time as we turned back towards the farmhouse.
The sun had faded fully now and the sky was turning darker by the minute.
I could see the stars starting to show up.
I found the North star, glowing brighter than the others, and remembered something my dad had told me once.
See that star, Daisy? That one used to guide people home. We’ve forgotten to let the stars guide us nowadays. But it can still give you hope in dark times. If you find that star in the sky, you will know that you can find your way back home.
I willed it to guide me home.
‘No, Blake, I’m not. But I’m not sure how to change who I am.’
‘Maybe it’s not about changing who you are. But accepting it. And knowing that even if you are different to who you used to be, you still love yourself.’ He sighed. ‘I’m working on that too.’
We paused as we reached the path that would lead Blake into his cottage, and me onward to the farmhouse. Maple was already heading towards the door, eager for her bed.
‘Maybe we can work on that together,’ I suggested.
‘Maybe. Goodnight, Daisy.’
I lifted my hand in a wave then followed Maple inside, feeling just a tiny bit less alone in the universe now.