Chapter 24
Aliena
Sebastian is staring at me weirdly throughout all of dinner but says nothing. It’s enough to set me on edge.
I know I’ve been acting like a bitch for the past few days and as much as I’d like to blame it on my period, that’s no excuse. Especially since I’ve been in uncharacteristically little pain. Usually, I get excruciating cramps, and my back aches badly enough that I’ve called in sick at work because of it, unable to move. Not this month, though.
And it’s a fucking good thing too. I don’t think I could have handled that on top of everything else. Most of all today, when I visited my parents only to learn my mother was out and my dad was pissed.
I just dropped off some groceries and cleaned a little, but the atmosphere was strained enough to drain whatever small bit of energy I had left after work. When I finally announced I’d leave, my father yelled at me, mad at me for not making dinner. Mad at my mom for being a screwup, and mad at the world because he’s lost everything.
He didn’t say all that, of course. I know him well enough that he didn’t have to .
When I’m done cleaning the kitchen, I wordlessly get onto the couch next to Seb, taking my place under his welcoming arm and watching the show he put on tonight.
We stay in silence for a few minutes, both watching the screen before a squeeze on my shoulder has me turning my head to face him. Seb’s eyes flick over my face, taking in what I know are signs of my exhaustion. I look like shit, no doubt, and his scrutiny makes me want to hide from him all the more.
“How was your day, Sweetheart?” he finally asks, his voice unbearably soft. I grit my teeth against my flood of emotions and look back at the screen. I really can’t wait for my period to be over. I hate being so sensitive.
“Fine, yours?” I reply unconvincingly.
“Boring enough. It seems that nothing is able to hold my attention when the alternative is thinking about you,” he says, bumping his shoulder against me to make us sway. It’s enough to drag a laugh out of me. God, he’s an idiot.
I tell him just that.
“I’m serious. I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he admits. I refuse to acknowledge what those words do to my heart. This isn’t some love confession, not that I would want that, anyway. We’ve both made it clear where we stood. No, this is him trying to initiate something sexual, I’m not stupid.
“What did you think about?” I go along, innuendo thick in my voice. I mean, it’s not far-fetched that he thought about me in connection to what I did just this morning. All these orgasms are bound to get to his head at one point.
Only that when I turn my head, I don’t see the expected smirk of his face. No, he looks thoughtful. Nervous, even. It’s enough to set me on edge and pull out of his embrace .
Just when I think the worst would happen and he truly was about to confess his undying love for me, he says, “It’s about what we did this morning. And all the others.” So my hunch is confirmed. Only that he still doesn’t look like the conversation is about to go where I thought it would.
“Okay,” I trail off, waiting for him to go on and bracing myself for the worst. God, is this where he tells me I should stop? That he doesn’t want me to touch him like that anymore?
No doubt sensing my unease, he softens his voice even more as he asks, “Why do you do it, Aliena?”
To say that I wasn’t expecting that question would be an understatement. If his face wasn’t so earnest, I would have laughed. As it is, it feels like my insecurities are tightening a noose around my throat, making it hard for me to answer as I try to think of why he’s talking about this.
“Because I want to,” I tell him unsurely, despite it being the truth. I’ve been wanting to touch Sebastian since the day that I met him. Wanted to hear him moan my name and come because of me. Still, my voice is unable to convey my surety of that.
Sebastian doesn’t look convinced but nods to himself. I can tell he has more to say before he opens his mouth. “Why won’t you let me touch you?” he asks slowly.
Oh, I guess he noticed that. I didn’t think he’d pay so much attention.
Truth be told, I’m scared to let him touch me. Not because I’m scared he’ll hurt me. I know he would never do that. No chance. But I’m afraid of things changing. I’m afraid that it’ll be too good and that I’ll want more, again and again.
I’ve never done that. One-night stands, yes, easy. But I live with Sebastian, for fuck’s sake. I can’t sneak out on him before he wakes up. Worse, I wouldn’t want to sneak out. Not when I sleep best in his arms.
So yeah, my reply would be that I’m a coward. What I end up saying is the same shitty excuse I sprouted every other time. “I’m on my period, Seb.” My voice sounds more defensive than it should be which only makes me less credible. I know he notices too.
“So what happens when that’s over?” he asks, no anger or impatience in his voice. Just curiosity and maybe a little concern. I don’t say anything, averting my gaze when his big hand comes to settle on top of my own.
“I’m not trying to pressure you,” he says.
“I know,” I interrupt him quickly.
“If you never want me to touch or kiss you, I won’t blame you for it. I’d just like to understand what we’re doing.” He pauses, sighing as his thumb caresses my cool skin. I don’t dare raise my eyes to his. “I’ve just been wondering.” He hesitates some more.
Finally, his free hand finds my chin to tilt it up, making me look at him. “You know you don’t have to do anything for me, right? I appreciate the cooking and everything else you do, of course, but those aren’t requirements for you to stay here. You don’t owe me anything.”
His words hit me in the chest like shards of broken glass and I can’t hide the puff of breath that swooshes out of me. His unspoken meaning is more than clear to me, no matter that he’s too polite to spell it out for me.
I’ve been acting like a live-in hooker. He thinks I’ve been doing those things to him as a way to make up for not paying rent. While I’ve been looking forward to waking up and being close to him again, knowing I’ll get just as much pleasure from it as him, he’s been worried that I had some demeaning ulterior motive.
I swallow, feeling sick. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I don’t know why I’m even taking this so badly. I guess it’s just harsh to have something you thought was good turn into something so ugly.
I keep my emotions off my face, determined not to make myself seem even more pathetic. If Sebastian truly thinks I’d go so far to feel like less of a burden, he doesn’t know me how I thought he did. He doesn’t have to deal with my sentimentalities.
I smile weakly, acting like I found this misunderstanding amusing. I take his hand atop mine with my free one, patting it twice before I push it off my other. “I know that, Seb. That’s not why I’ve been sucking you off every morning. That has everything to do with wanting to feel you shudder and writhe beneath me. Nothing else,” I tell him, ignoring his slight flinch at my vulgar words. Then, I get to my feet, no matter how that may betray my act.
“I’m beat, I’ll just take a shower and go to bed.” Before I can walk away, his hand is on my wrist, holding me in place. He’s frowning slightly.
“I didn’t mean to offend you or imply anything,” he tries to assure me. I gently free myself of his grip.
“I know. I’m just really tired.” He doesn’t look convinced.
“Are you okay? Did something happen at your parents’? You seemed a little shaken when you returned.”
“Same old,” I reply honestly, knowing that he doesn’t know what that even means. We haven’t talked about my parents since I spilled half my secrets after Lily’s party.
Resigned, Seb concedes, “Right. I’ll be up later. ”
By the time Sebastian’s birthday rolls around, nothing has changed between us. I still wake him up with an orgasm whenever we have the time, but I still haven’t let him touch me. I know he wants to. The desire to reach out, maybe flip us around and finally kiss me is written all over his face whenever our eyes meet.
The only difference is my withering restraint. Whenever I’m cooking something and he steps up behind me, bracing his hands left and right of me as he leans over my shoulder to see what I’m preparing, I fight the urge to step back against him. To beg him to touch me too.
Even worse, so much worse, was the time I was completely drained after a full day at work and a long visit at my parents’. I came home that night, barely able to stay on my feet and Seb stepped up to me without hesitation, lifting me in his arms and carrying me upstairs. He prepared the tub for me, helped me strip with my consent, and then took charge of getting me clean.
I will never forget how gentle his fingers were in my hair and on my skin as he leathered me up with soap. During all of that, we didn’t talk. I just closed my eyes and soaked it up, trusting him completely. He didn’t so much as try to make it sexual, and I have no inhibition about him having seen me naked.
That night, I feel asleep in his arms as usual. The next morning, after I made him come once, I took a quick shower before getting back into his bed and teasing him until he was ready for another round.
It’s bad enough that my reasons against it are being erased from my mind. There are times where I don’t remember why I’m so stubborn at all. The only reason why I haven’t caved yet is because I know that at some point, before my hormones took over, I had very valid arguments against letting him touch me like that.
Honestly though, this morning after Seb came down my throat, never taking his eyes from mine, he caressed my face tenderly and I nearly jumped his bones right then.
Instead, I dragged myself out of the house, saying I was going shopping. Which I am, though shopping seems less fitting than just longingly looking through the shops’ windows as I wander through the mall. No matter how tempting it is, I can’t let myself enter a store. I barely have any money saved even without having to pay my own rent, and spending that on shopping would be idiotic.
That remains my firm belief until I pass a lingerie store and spot a matching set of lace underwear in the most stunning dark green teal. My steps falter and I allow myself to envision myself in it. Envision Sebastian’s reaction to me wearing it.
He told me once that his favorite color was dark green because it reminded him of his runs in the forest. It doesn’t take a genius to realize those runs are his save haven, a time where he can let go and relax, even as he pushes himself to the limit.
Seeing that matching set, I can’t help but think it’s a sign. I mean, really, how often do you stumble across that color in clothing items?
Before I can overthink it, I walk inside the store, pick my size, and try it on. It’s love at first sight. I haven’t felt like myself in a while but here, standing in front of that mirror wearing perfectly-fitted lingerie, I recognize myself. The party girl that enjoyed the attention of strangers so much. Enjoyed the attention of anyone, really, as long as it was good- natured.
I don’t let myself dwell on it. Not when my heart is still racing excitedly. I buy the matching set and walk out of the store with new-found anticipation for this evening. Sebastian’s not throwing a party. He said he doesn’t like his birthday that much and it’s a Tuesday, after all. He has school to attend the next morning.
That means I have him to myself tonight. And yes, I shouldn’t, but I know exactly what I signed up for when I bought that set.
So what if I give in and let him touch me? The tension between us has been building for long enough. More than that, I know he cares about me, and I’m not so scared he’ll ditch me once he’s had me anymore. I doubt things would be weird between us if we slept together. I don’t think there’s a reason to panic about the possible change.
We’re both adults. It’ll be fine. At least I know where we both stand. He told me he has no interest in something serious so if I let us take the step, nothing will change. We’ll remain friends with benefits.
I repeat that to myself all the way home, trying to quell my lingering worry.
When I get home, I’m relieved that Sebastian isn’t here yet. I put my new clothes into the washer and then take a shower, do my hair, and dress in my new, clean underwear, throwing on a tight dress over that.
I’m just finishing up my makeup when Sebastian comes into the bathroom. He startles when he sees me, and I meet his eyes in the mirror, smiling. “Hey. How was your day?” I ask, happy to be the one to ask it first this time.
He doesn’t reply for a second, too busy ogling me in the black dress to speak. I watch him in the mirror, shifting on my feet when I feel myself getting turned on under his heated gaze. Shit, he’s on the other side of the room and my skin is burning up. If I didn’t already plan on finally giving in tonight, I sure would be considering it now.
“Sebastian,” I prod slightly, unable to hide my satisfied smirk. His eyes snap to mine, letting me see all his lust before blinking it away.
“Sorry.” He clears his throat. “Yeah, it was good. Though, the others gave me shit when I told them I was busy tonight.”
I set down my mascara and turn to face him. “If you want to see them or ask them to tag along, that’s fine. I totally understand.” I hate to think that I’m the reason he can’t spend his birthday with his best friends. I know he’s been seeing them a lot less than usual since I moved in and while I feel guilty, I don’t know what to do about it. I never asked him to stop throwing parties or inviting his friends over.
Sebastian smiles softly and steps closer, shaking his head. “We have a reservation for a table for two and I have no intention of changing that. I told you, I’m not a fan of my birthday. Besides, I’m throwing a party this Saturday, they can stop being up my ass then.”
I chuckle at his assessment and nod my agreement. It’s his day. If he wants to spend a quiet evening with me, that’s more than fine.
“All right, then, I see you have a head start when it comes to getting ready. I have to take a shower, do you mind?” he asks.
I shake my head, smiling wider. “Please, go ahead. I do remember the offer of a show if I’m not mistaken,” I tell him.
The second he realizes what I’m referring to and that I’m proposing to stay right here while he takes a shower behind that glass door, he blushes. “Right.” He chuckles, getting over the shock. Then, I have the pleasure of watching him strip, revealing more and more of his fair golden skin peppered with ink and those carved muscles of his.
Yeah, that’s a sight for sore eyes. I don’t even try to conceal my ogling when he pulls down his boxers and discards them. Without looking at me, he walks to the shower and turns on the water, giving me a great view of his defined backside.
I’m tempted to discard my plan for tonight and just join him right now. I just barely manage to restrain myself.
Sebastian groans and my eyes flick to his, realizing he’s staring at me now as he steps under the steaming water. “Fuck, stop looking at me like that. Especially now that I know exactly what that look means.” he tells me, seeming almost anguished. I smile innocently.
“How?”
“Like you damn well want me to get a boner without even touching me. Wicked troublemaker.”
My eyes flick to the apex of his legs, and I nearly laugh when I spot his semi. It’s good to know that my attention has the same effect on him as his has on me.
“It’s a shame we don’t have time to take care of that now, I guess. Well, better hurry up or we’ll be late for dinner,” I tell him, my voice sickly sweet. He has the heart to laugh with me, shaking his head as he turns around to get clean.