Chapter 30
Aliena
I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, which only made me despise myself more. I can lie to myself all I want but I know that as I tossed and turned, the thing missing to make me fall asleep was the comforting warmth and weight of Sebastian at my back.
Which means I’ve grown dependent on someone.
I finally accept defeat and drag myself out of bed shortly before dawn, deciding that if I have to look like shit and feel like the dead at work all day, I might as well evade a confrontation with Sebastian first. No need for him to know how much last night wrecked me.
His departure was followed by one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in years, during which I freaked out enough to get out of my restraints, at least. Not without chafing the skin around my wrists raw, though. No, the angry red marks still adorning them are proof of that.
I’m still not sure how I managed to get out. All I know is that I felt like a caged animal and eventually started acting like one, biting and tearing at the restraints like something rabid.
I’m glad Sebastian didn’t return last night to witness it. The humiliation of the whole situation, the panic attack and the fact that I almost wet myself, would have been too horrifying to bear.
I’m dragging my feet at work, barely managing to reply to the simplest questions of my patients. On my lunch break, I have nothing better to do than just pass out for a minute. I take my phone out of my pocket only for a second to set an alarm, ignoring Sebastian’s texts and missed calls like I’ve been doing all day.
I don’t care if he wants to see me or talk. I’m afraid that if he confronted me now, I’d be an open book and just spill all my secrets and feelings without any thought or restraint. If that happened, I’d have to change my name and leave the country, and I really don’t have the money for that.
All too soon, my alarm goes off, ripping me from the brief, sweet relief of unconsciousness. As I get up and go back to work, I quickly realize that sleeping only made me more exhausted and by the time my shift is over, I’m barely seeing straight.
I just have enough active brain cells to text my dad that I won’t make it to their place tonight. I’m not a glutton for punishment and no amount of responsibility could get me to make that detour.
I take an excruciatingly long bus ride home, the only thing keeping me going the prospect of making it to my bed.
My hope that I’ll get to my room without meeting Sebastian is crushed as soon as the elevator doors open to reveal him pacing the living room. He stops in his tracks when I step inside the living room, a whole lot of different emotions that I don’t care to analyze crossing his face. Finally, he smiles at me and steps closer.
“You’re home,” he says in a way of greeting, reaching out to hold me on both arms as he studies me. I don’t even have it in me to fight his scrutiny, and realizing that, he frowns. “Tough day at work?” he asks softly.
I brace my hands on his chest and push him away to get past. “Yeah. I’m exhausted. I think I’ll just sleep now,” I slur, nearly toppling over as the living room tilts on its axis. Fuck, I’m dizzy.
Suddenly, the hands are back on my shoulders, turning me around to face Sebastian once more. “Sweetheart, you’re looking a little pale there. Are you sure you’re all right?” he pushes, and I hate the way my chest reacts to his term of endearment or his concern. I don’t need him to take care of me.
“Yeah, fine. I just forgot to eat today. I’ll do that after I slept,” I say, trying to walk away once more.
“Wait, as in, you haven’t eaten at all today? Come on, sit down. I’ll get you something,” he insists, trying to steer me toward the dining table.
Fighting his propelling grip is the last thing I want to spend my empty strength reserve on. It’s my my voice is sharper than I thought possible when I snap at him.
“I said I’m fine. Let go of me. I just want to sleep.” That, at least, finally gets his attention. Still frowning and with a crease marring the skin between his brows, he nods.
“Okay. Sure. Let me help you get upstairs, then,” he says, his voice still so horribly soft. This time, I don’t protest as he steers me to the stairs and steadies me on the way up. I don’t have a death wish, and I doubt I could make it to the second floor by myself in one piece.
When Sebastian tries to drag me down the hall and past my room, I stop him again. “I think I’ll stay in my room tonight,” I tell him, even as a part of me screams at the prospect of not having him to cuddle up to again. Not when I feel this shitty .
But I’d hate myself in the morning if I caved now. I need to prove to myself that I don’t need Sebastian. I’ll get by just fine without him.
Looking up at his face, my stomach twists at the thought that I’m the one who put that sad look on his face. “Aly,” he starts softly, and I know that’s his way of trying to introduce a talk I know we’ll have to have eventually.
Eventually isn’t now. Not when I can barely keep myself upright. I shake my head. “Not now, Seb. I’m too tired. Just know that I’m not mad at you for leaving when someone you care about needed you.”
“Then why won’t you come to our room?” he asks. Yeah, Aly, why? Because I’m a fucking coward, that’s why.
“I really need sleep tonight. No distractions,” I tell him instead, feeling just a bit of petty satisfaction when I see my words hitting their mark as Sebastian winces just slightly.
“You think I can’t keep my hands to myself when I know you’re feeling bad?” he asks, clearly hurt by my lack of faith. I don’t tell him that I don’t think that. A tired shrug is my only reply.
He presses his mouth in a thin line, nodding curtly before steering me back to my room. I manage to take the last few steps to the bed by myself, collapsing onto the soft mattress without another thought of the man that led me here.
Only when he pushes me further into the middle of the bed and tucks me in do I open my eyes. “I’m really sorry for last night, Aly. As horrible as it is, I forgot about the ties when I read my mom’s text. I never would have left you like that on purpose,” he says softly, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb .
“It’s fine,” I mumble when it really isn’t. It’s not my problem now, though. I just close my eyes.
Distantly, I feel his thumb come closer to my chafed wrist. He pulls the sleeve of my sweatshirt back just enough to reveal the irritated skin, no doubt, and his answering gasp is enough to make me pull back my arm to get it out of his view. Then, I blissfully let exhaustion drag me under.
When I come home from my morning shift the next day, Seb is preparing the apartment for the party tonight. I see the bar was already restocked, the couch is gone, and other valuables are currently being stowed away by the host.
“Hey,” I greet him, my voice sounding a lot more like my own than it did yesterday. It’s a good thing too. I hate how pathetic I was. “Is there anything I can help you with?” I offer.
He looks up, wiping the back of his hand over his sweat-slicked forehead, and gives me a dazzling smile. “Hi there. No, that’s okay. I’m fine here, almost done.” He observes me for a beat. “You look better today.”
My cheeks heat involuntarily. I cringe at the vivid reminder that he remembers last night probably better than I did, tired as I was. The only good thing is that I was able to sleep despite being alone. That does wonders to soothe my lingering fear of co-dependence.
“Right, if you’re sure. I’ll get ready for tonight, then.” It’s the first party I’ll attend since Lily’s catastrophic birthday but despite my nerves, I’m looking forward to it. Not only am I eager to dance again, but I can’t wait to get ready. There’s little I enjoy as much as dressing up and looking great. Or at least that’s how I know I used to feel .
I have to get that version of myself back even though I barely feel the ghost of her these days. She had her shit together, and I’m a hot mess of unresolved feelings and reoccurring issues.
Since it’s still hours until the party starts, I head straight for the last door down the hall. I might’ve been avoiding Sebastian since the night he ditched me but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy his dreamy bathtub.
As the water runs, I take a quick shower to wash the grime of the day off me. Since I was too tired to take one yesterday and was in a hurry this morning, I feel dirty and I’d rather not stain the bath with that.
Ten minutes later, I’m soaking in the warm water, absently playing with the bubbles as I try to think of what to wear tonight. I’m considering a midnight blue mini dress with an open back and slits from the bottom up to my waist on both sides when the door opens.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were in here. I’ll wait until you’re done,” Sebastian bursts, turning around as if he had never seen me naked. Something about that gesture sits very wrong with me.
Sure I was the one to distance myself from him last night but I’d hate to think that he no longer wants me. Maybe that’s why I chuckle coolly, telling him to turn around.
“No need to feign modesty now,” I tease him.
He smiles a little, doesn’t tease me back, though. Instead, he asks, “How are your wrists?”
“Fine. A bit sensitive in the warm water but it’s okay.”
Looking almost uncomfortable, he asks, “I know it doesn’t change anything now, but I truly am sorry. Can we please talk about it? ”
“I already told you yesterday, there’s not much to talk about. I believe that it slipped your mind and that you didn’t mean to leave me like that. As I said, I’m happy that you helped your mom when she needed you.”
“I think your exact words were, that someone I care about needed me. You know I care about you too, right? And I hate to think that I left you when you needed me.” The knot in my stomach tightens, my defenses rising.
“Don’t worry about me. I managed just fine,” I lie.
He gives me a pointed look, seeing right through me like he always does. “The bruises on your wrists say something different.”
My stomach hollows out, and my default defense mechanism is to resort to anger. I straighten up, steeling my voice as I demand, “Why are you pushing this? What’s done is done. Nothing we say can do anything about it now, so it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me. I messed up but I can’t make it up to you if you give me the cold shoulder instead of communicating. Why is it so difficult for you to just talk to me?”
“What do you want me to talk to you about? Do you want to hear that yes, I needed you too, that night? That I broke down as soon as you left and spiraled until I had a fucking panic attack since you left me tied up like a sacrificial animal? Does it help you to know that?” I snap, my hands balled tightly beneath the water and my chest heaving with deep breaths that do little to calm my frenzy.
Instead of yelling back at me like I thought and maybe secretly hoped, Sebastian frowns and takes a step closer. I can already tell he’s about to apologize again, his emotions are written all over his face. “I know you’re sorry. I’m not mad, Seb. That night just made me realize a few things. ”
He stops in his tracks. “What things?” he asks cautiously.
“I think I should stay in my room from now on,” I say first.
“I thought you had trouble falling asleep?” he interrupts me.
“I slept just fine yesterday.” Whether that was just an exception because I was dead on my feet or not has yet to be determined, but I don’t mention it.
“You could’ve slept anywhere yesterday,” he protests.
“Either way, I can’t stay dependent on you forever. Especially not when it comes to something as vital as sleep. I’m a big girl. I can stay in my own bed.”
His frown deepens. “So where does that leave us?”
“Nothing has to change. We’re still friends, and I’m not opposed to the whole physical thing we got going on. The only difference is that I’ll go to my room once we’re done,” I say, trying to soften my tone when a shadow of hurt crosses his eyes. I’m the first one who gets how rejection can sting, and I don’t mean to hurt him after everything he’s done for me.
Slowly, he asks, “And what if I don’t want that?”
“Don’t want what?” What if he doesn’t want me anymore? Is that what he’s about to tell me? The tables turn and already, the rejection churns in my gut. I grit my teeth, steeling myself against the full force of it.
“I’ve learned that I’m quite fond of having someone to hold at night. What if I don’t want to give that up and act like a simple one-night stand?” he challenges.
Despite the fuzzy feeling that replaces the fear of rejection inside of me, I force myself to say a string of words that leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Interesting how he’s opposed to being a one-night stand but doesn’t want to be something serious either. “Then I guess you better start looking for a new person to do that with.”
His eyes narrow. “No.”
“No?” I repeat, dumbfounded. What does he mean, no?
“No. You said nothing changes, so we’re still exclusive. I told you a long time ago that I don’t share and that goes both ways. Besides, you know I want no one else.”
I sigh, equal parts content to let the soothing words wash over me and panicked. “You can’t say stuff like that. That’s boyfriend talk,” I protest. Finally, Seb shuts his mouth firmly, looking like he agrees with me and doesn’t like it one bit.
“Fine. We’re just friends who mess around, but I’m serious about the no-sharing part. Another guy touches you and I break his hand.” With that, he turns around and flees the bathroom, leaving me alone with my conflicted feelings.