Chapter 31
Sebastian
“There you are, birthday boy. I know you said no presents, but it’s not wrapped so it doesn’t count,” Lily says, hugging me tightly before shoving a box into my hands. A look confirms that it’s from my favorite bakery.
Despite hating presents, with the exception of the one Aliena gave me, my chest warms at the sight. The bakery is across town so I rarely go, but my mom used to take me there a lot as a child, knowing the owner and all that, so it holds some sentimental value.
I lean down to kiss Lily’s cheek before she can saunter deeper into the private room to greet her best friend.
“Damn, Babe, you look fantastic,” I hear her tell Aly, who’s waiting on the couch. I don’t have to turn around to know she’s right. The memory of her coming down the steps to meet me in the living room before the party started is burned onto the back of my eyelids.
I thought green was my favorite color but after seeing her in that midnight blue, I might have a change of heart. The dress, while beautiful, is risky as hell. The slits on the outside of her thighs up to her waist make me wonder where the hell her panties are, and her low back makes me know with certainty that she’s not wearing a bra .
To say that I got hard just thinking about it would be the unfortunate truth. She drives me crazy. Even more so because my attraction to her is now clouded with a mess of conflicting feelings.
Despite her brushing me off whenever I tried to mention it, I feel like absolute shit for having let her down after she let me tie her up. She might say she doesn’t care, but it’s clear I broke something vital between us in the way she’s been distant.
I miss her. I miss waking up with her in my arms and most of all, I miss seeing the trust in her stunning eyes.
With her breaking the news that she no longer wants to sleep in our room anymore before I could say everything I needed on my fuck up, it then slipped my mind. Now, things are still strained, and unspoken words hang in the air between us. I don’t know how to fix it.
Even less so because as much as I try to understand that it’s my fault we’re in such a strained place, I’m still fed up with her for what she said. She refuses to communicate, insists we’re all good but still creates new rules that neither of us wants. No more sleeping in our bed? Her insistence of calling me a friend. It helps neither one of us.
“What got you scowling like that, Will?” Andrew teases me, clasping my shoulder in a way of greeting. From behind us, I can hear Aly ask about my nickname.
“Will? What’s that all about?”
“That, dear Aly, is Sebastian’s favorite nickname of all time,” my best friend provides.
“Oh? How come I’ve never heard it?” she asks, intrigued.
“Sebastian hates it. His middle name is William, you see, which is also his father’s name. Andrew likes to tease him with it,” Mattheo explains, waking past me with a pat on my shoulder before leaning down to kiss Aliena’s cheek. “Hey, Amo. Long time no see,” he adds, a sultry note to his voice that wasn’t there a second ago. I grit my teeth against my growing irritation and look away before anyone can notice it, getting myself a drink.
When I come back, my friends are all happily conversing. For once, at least, I see that Aliena and Mattheo aren’t touching.
By the end of the hour, the private room has filled with a few selected outsiders. One of them is the red-haired girl Mattheo chewed my ear off about at school one day, Miriam or something. Once she arrived, I felt the tension ease out of my body.
It’s clear that he’s head over heels for her. He hasn’t taken his gaze off her since she settled on the couch between him and Aliena. Or his hands, for that matter.
Aliena is mostly catching up with Lily and I’m glad to see that they seem fine again, no strain in their talks.
At one point, my best friend grows sick of me and gets to his feet, reaching out to take Lily’s hand. “You guys, it’s been a pleasure but I feel like dancing with my girl for a bit. See you later,” Andrew announces, already dragging a giggling Lily behind him.
Right on cue, Mattheo shoots his date a questioning glance and the pair gets to their feet too. “Well, I think we’ll join them downstairs,” Mattheo says, looking at Aliena sheepishly.
Realizing that he probably feels weird or guilty for ditching his old dance partner, Aly smiles comfortingly. “Have fun,” she assures him subtly. Seeming relieved, Mattheo leaves with his new girl, leaving my roommate and me alone with a few near-strangers .
“So,” she starts awkwardly. “I’m guessing you don’t care to dance?”
“You’re guessing correctly. All our friends are downstairs, and I don’t feel like answering their million questions,” I confirm more harshly than intended.
It occurs to me that I should pick my words with more care but it seems our earlier talk is bothering me more than I thought. Suddenly alone with her now, my frustration and the sting of her rejection make me sound angrier than I am. All I really want is for things to just be easy between us, but I don’t have a single clue where I’d have to start to get there.
She huffs and gets to her feet, clearly fed up with my tone. “Right. Have fun up here, then.” She tries to head to the door but as she passes me, I reach out to gently grab her wrist.
“Where are you going?” I ask, trying and failing to soften my voice so she knows I’m not trying to be a jerk.
“To dance.” Her eyes narrow on me, the defiance I thought we’d gotten past rising in those honey eyes. “I’m not going to stop doing what I love just because you refuse to do it with me.”
“Mattheo is dancing with Miriam,” I try to reason with her. Dammit, we talked about exclusivity just this afternoon.
“Then I’ll just have to find someone else to dance with,” she retorts, the challenge thick in her words. All my thoughts of keeping the peace go flying out the nearest window as my blood pressure rises. I’m losing her.
“I told you what happens when you let another guy touch you, Aly. I wasn’t kidding,” I say like a controlling, violent bastard I never thought I’d be. Just like your father. The first hint of trouble and you’re turning into the man you despise. My heart pinches painfully in my chest, blood rushing in my ears .
I always thought my need to be respectful with women at all times was ingrained into my very last cell, so why am I losing my temper now when I want to make things better.
It’s like I’m a bystander, watching myself from outside of my body. I know what I should do, and yet I lack the control to make myself comply.
“Then grow some balls and join me,” Aliena fires back, her words more cutting than I ever heard her.
For a second, I gape at her. Stay calm. Fix this. But a much louder voice in my head bursts at the seams with indignation. Where the hell is this coming from? It’s like she has to prove a point again, same as when she refused to sleep in my bed anymore.
“You’re the one that doesn’t want to tell our friends where you live!” I remind her.
“Yes, I know. But you not dancing with me has nothing to do with that. That’s all you and your stupid fear of damaging your fucking image. I thought we were done with this after we shook on being friends. I guess what you meant was that we’d be friends in private. What a shame it would be if the great Sebastian, grinch of Hartford U would be seen dancing and having fun with the same girl twice in a row,” she spits.
I lose my temper entirely, my grip slipping. “Oh, you’re talking about stupid fears now? Never mind that your fear of being dependent on anyone but yourself is full-on self-destructive,” I snap right back.
She huffs and crosses her arms. “You know what, I don’t feel like arguing with you right now. I’m going dancing.” This time when she turns, I don’t stop her, glaring at her back until she slams the door shut behind her. If anyone in the room wasn’t staring at me before, they sure are now.
Fantastic.
I brood in the room for about twenty minutes before I can no longer stand it. My mental clarity is still lacking and maybe it would be best to wait until I’m feeling more rational, but I can’t sit still anymore. Not even sure what my intentions or next steps should be, I walk down the hall and gaze upon the dancefloor. My eyes look for a certain golden-haired woman on their own accord.
Quicker than should be possible, I find her swaying figure. My rage dims, my thoughts come to a stop, and my breath catches. I almost forgot how mesmerizing she is when she dances.
So much has happened since I last saw her like this.
The short moment of admiration is interrupted when she turns to look over her shoulder, her features lighting up with a megawatt smile as she faces the guy behind her. The guy, who I now realize has his hands all over her as she pushes her body up against his.
The kindle of good feelings snuffs out in my chest.
I can’t believe this. Of course, I can understand that she went dancing without me, but is it so hard to just do it by herself for once? To be surrounded by strangers and not dry hump one of them?
I grip the railing with both hands, my knuckles turning white as I try to think of what to do. I want to stop them, but she was right about my worries about my reputation. As dumb as it is since most students don’t care about me enough to even look my way, I can’t shake it .
Besides, Aliena said she wanted space and if I went down right now to dance with her, I know the night would end with her in my bed. And I’m not sure I’d be willing to let her leave it again to sleep down the hall like a meaningless one-night stand.
Finally, I see Aliena’s movements falter as she leans in to whisper something to the guy behind her. She starts walking away in the direction of the bathrooms and for a second, I think she invited him to join her somewhere more private.
Luckily, he stays where he is, turns in his place, and carries on dancing. I lose a sigh of relief, no matter that I’m still fuming, and follow Aliena down the stairs and into the nearly deserted hallway.
I wait there like a creep for a few minutes until my roommate finally reappears, stopping in her tracks as she sees me.
“What are you doing here?” she demands, her mood clearly souring.
“I saw you with that guy, Aliena.”
“So? I told you I was going to have to find someone to dance with since the stick up your ass doesn’t allow you to entertain me.”
Entertain her? God, I’m not a fucking clown. “And I told you not to let anyone touch you,” I say through gritted teeth.
She huffs. “You’re the one that told me that we are nothing serious and never will be!” she snaps. “Guess what, maybe I don’t want to be your toy forever, Seb. You can’t demand the privilege of my fidelity without the commitment. ”
“My toy? Seriously? When have I treated you with anything other than respect?” I demand, only to keep talking before she can reply. “I told you from the start that we could never be serious, and I warned you that once I had you, I didn’t want to see you with anyone else, and still you climbed into my bed every fucking night!” I yell, my blood heating. After everything, I can’t believe this is what we’re arguing about.
It never occurred to me that Aliena might want a relationship. She never gave me that impression and right now, I’m entirely too angry to question it. “Is what I give you really not enough? Is it that hard for you to be happy without constant access to any random dick?” I snap instead.
“Oh, my god! you’re acting like I fucked him! We were just dancing!” she protests, her hands flying wide and her face turning red.
”Just dancing! Your ass was all over his dick, Aliena! Trust me, he had a lot more in mind than just dancing.” My voice lowers dangerously and while a reasonable voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me to shut up now, I can’t keep my next words from slipping past my reckless lips.
“I’ll tell you something, if you pull the same shit you did with Mattheo again, I won’t just sit by idly and feel bad about it. If you go and fuck another guy, I’m done. And you better believe that I won’t go back to being celibate out of respect for you.”
For the fraction of a second, she looks taken aback at my promise. Then, she steels her expression, squares her shoulders, and pushes past me without another word. A second later, I move too, heading back up the stairs to go to my room since I’m officially done with this party .
Despite knowing better, my treacherous eyes search the crowd one last time once I reach the second floor. When I see just who Aliena picked to dance with now, my anger doubles. Great, not only is she dry-humping another stranger, but she had to pick the biggest fucking jerk in my school to do it with.
Whatever, he’s a slime bag. They deserve each other.
It takes fifteen pages to calm me down. Sure, I barely soak up any of the words and it took me way too long to read them, but once I reach the end of the chapter, I’m no longer angry.
Truth be told, I just feel shitty about how things went down between Aliena and me and all I want to do is find her and talk it out so we can be on good terms again. It seems we have a lot to discuss, considering all the things she said about not wanting to be my toy but needing actual commitment.
I don’t know how to feel about that. I care about Aliena a lot, more than what’s usual for a friend, and I do think of her as mine, in a sense. Still, the downsides and risks haven’t changed. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I have no idea what the fuck is happening here or what I’m supposed to do. And we’re both so busy and with everything going on with her family, I can’t imagine we’d have time to date and whatever else you do in a relationship...
Thinking about all that is just giving me a headache. I need to talk to Aliena so we can figure it out together. Maybe she has the answers to some of the questions I don’t. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to lose her .
I set my book down carefully on my bedside table and with a centering breath, I remind myself to stay calm no matter what happens. I am not my father. I want to talk to Aliena like an adult rather than snap at her when things aren’t going my way. It’s the only way we could possibly resolve things.
I return to the top of the stairs, searching the crowd for my roommate with my heart beating in my throat. The dancefloor isn’t as packed as earlier, the students either catching their breaths on the chairs lining the wall and bar or gone by now. Still, I can’t seem to find the one person I’m looking for.
Deciding she probably retired to her own room, I head there next, only to find the door locked when I quietly try to open it. I tell my racing heart to calm down as the déjà vu hits me, assuring myself that she’s probably asleep and didn’t want any partygoers to stumble inside.
I’m ready to leave when a muffled sound reaches my ear through the wood. I freeze on the spot, my heart dropping to my stomach as I wait for confirmation. And then it comes, another silent moan that I recognize as Aliena’s.
My spine straightens, my hands balling to fists as acceptance mingles with rage and resolution. Fine, she really took someone into her room with her? I warned her what would happen if she did that. Fuck considering a relationship with her. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid.