10. I Still Remember It
I STILL REMEMBER IT
WILL
When I asked Annie to meet me today, I had no idea what answers to expect from her. Since her dad left, she’s kept her emotions pretty well hidden. But hearing her say that she left because she loved me too much definitely wasn’t on my bingo card.
I don’t know how to process that. Our last few months together had been some of the hardest in my life. Until then, anyway. The months and years after were definitely worse. I would have given anything to go back to those days, because at least she was still with me.
We reach the end of the walk, and she stops next to her car.
“I still want to stay in touch,” I blurt out.
She stares at me for a moment. “You do?”
I don’t know who is more surprised by my words. I hadn’t expected to say anything. I’d pretty much decided, in the twenty minutes of silence between us, that I was done with it all. With her. With us. With holding on to the memories and the idea of the perfect woman .
But obviously my mouth didn’t get the memo.
“Yeah. I don’t really know why. But I just can’t handle the idea that this is it.” I realise how pathetic I sound, but I’ve never been able to keep my feelings in check around this woman.
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Will… Seven years is a long time. We’re both different people now.”
“Please, Annie? If for no other reason than it’s going to make things incredibly weird if we run into each other again, like we did last night?”
For the last seven years, all I’ve wanted was to see her again.
To get answers. But I was fooling myself.
I wanted her back in my life. Because life without her has felt so wrong.
I’ve been living on auto-pilot for seven years, and in the space of twenty-four hours, I’ve woken up.
I’m not sure how I’d cope if this is it.
She waivers a little, running a hand through her hair. “Okay. How about I give you my number and we can message for a bit? Maybe chat on the phone? See how we’re both feeling about this all in a few weeks?”
Knowing that this is the best I can ask for at this stage, I nod, and she gives me her number.
“Do you need mine?” I ask as I type hers into my phone.
“No… I still remember it,” she whispers.
The words crash into me, like a punch to the chest.
I let out a long breath, holding back the words that I want to say. To point out that if she still remembered my number, why couldn’t she have reached out, even once, in seven years?
We say an awkward goodbye, and she gets in her car, driving away while I get Alfie settled in his cage. After she’s gone, I get in the cab of the ute and rest my head on the steering wheel for a moment, just needing a moment to process everything that was just said. And everything that wasn’t .
Unable to face the idea of staying in my empty house, I drop Alfie off and head straight for Chris and Morgan’s. Still not quite ready to forgive Morgan for the way last night went down, I collect Chris and drive to the local pub, messaging Jake to meet us there while he’s still in town.
“So… do you want to talk about it?” Chris had allowed me to sit in silence through most of the car drive, and now sets the first round of beers down in front of me.
Jake slides into the seat beside me a moment later, dropping his keys and phone on the table beside mine.
“To be honest, I don’t even know what to say… We talked, but I don’t know if I got any answers that I wasn’t expecting. Although, can you believe she actually told me she left because she loved me too much?” Even saying it out loud doesn’t help me believe it any more than I did when she’d told me.
The guys exchange a glance.
“Well, that wasn’t what I expected her to say…” Chris says, his eyebrows raised.
“You don’t seem surprised by that statement, though. Am I right?” I take a swig of his beer while I wait for him to consider his response.
“Well, when you look back, pretty much from the moment her father left, she relied on you for everything. It wasn’t normal how everything went down between the two of you.
I know you all used to joke about how co-dependent Morgan and I were, but you guys were just as bad.
Granted, we didn’t have the traumatic experiences that tied us together like you guys did, but you pretty much moved into her house in the months after her dad left…
I think she avoided dealing with a lot of stuff until it all just became too much. ”
Jake whistles. “Jeez man, that was deep.”
I squint at Chris for a moment, wondering how long he’d been thinking along those lines .
“How much of that was you, and how much was Morgan talking just now?” I ask after a moment.
Chris laughs. “True, some of that was Morgan. I know I’m talking a bit like a shrink right now, but maybe that’s a good thing?” He shrugs.
I sigh. “I’ve been so angry with her for the past seven years, but thinking of it that way…
I don’t know… I’m still incredibly angry about how she went about it all.
I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get past that.
But, let’s be honest, I’ve clearly not been able to put it behind me, judging by my stellar relationship successes in recent years.
I think I need to get past it so that I can move on.
Being able to talk to her about it all more might help me with that. ” I shake my head.
The idea of rehashing everything with Annie doesn’t exactly fill me with excitement, but the notion of finally being able to put it all behind me is a welcome relief. I just wonder what she could possibly say that would finally give me the peace I need.
“Would you believe, she just told me she still remembers my number? That hurt like hell to hear. To know that she could have called me at any time and she chose not to…”
My words are met with silence, as the guys look at me with pity. I think I hate that most of all. Knowing that everyone has been pitying me all this time.
Eventually, Chris claps a hand on my shoulder, startling me from my thoughts. “Mate, I do not envy you right now. How about we have a game of darts, and try to take a break from all of this?”
“Sounds like a great idea. I’ve done enough soul searching for one day.”
With that, we change the subject and head towards the dartboard in the corner, both of them doing their best to distract me from the thoughts rolling around in my head.
I’ve waited seven years. Another few days won’t hurt me .
The next day, I’m ripped from sleep in the early hours of the morning by the sound of my phone ringing. It’s the ringtone for a video call, and I know of only one person who would be calling me this early on a Monday.
I fumble for my phone and accept the call, running a hand over my face as Kylie appears on the screen.
“You are aware it’s five in the morning, right?” I say, yawning.
“Is there something you want to tell me, brother?” Kylie asks, not even bothering to acknowledge the ridiculous hour she’s calling at.
I squint as I try to focus on the pissed off look on her face. “Um… Why does this feel like some sort of trap?”
“Think real hard, William.” I flinch at the use of my full name. “Whose return could I possibly be referring to?”
Oh right. She must have heard about Annie. “Right… Well, you obviously already know about it, so I didn’t need to tell you.”
“Don’t be a dick, Will. What happened? Bri just mentioned that she saw her the other night, and it turns out Tara has been keeping this massive secret.”
I sigh. “Don’t be mad at Tara, Bug. She was just respecting Annie’s wishes.”
Kylie gives me a disgusted look. “I can’t believe you’re fine with this. She’s been back for a month and didn’t even bother to tell anyone? Who does that?”
The urge to defend Annie is strong, and I sit up, forcing aside the last remnants of sleep. “I’ve told you before, there is so much more to it all than what everyone knows.”
“Well, maybe if you guys just told us what actually happened, we would understand. Do I need to come back early? Are you okay?”
She and her husband, Seth, are due to fly back in a few weeks with their sons, once the Stanley Cup finals are done.
Seth is the captain of the Calgary Mounties, the NHL team that my father’s family is obsessed with in Canada, and they are in the playoffs right now, for the first time in four years.
“I’m fine. We talked yesterday.”
She stares at me, waving her hand in the air. “And? What happened?”
I sigh again. This is all far too much emotional talk for five in the morning for me. “We went for a walk and talked things out a little bit.”
“What does that even mean?” She glares at me before something behind her screen distracts her, and a moment later, one of the twins comes crashing into view.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful to a toddler in my life when little Harvey lets out a high-pitched scream and Kylie declares she has to go, slamming the laptop shut to deal with whatever crisis the twins have gotten into.
I flop back against my pillow and glare up at the ceiling. I have absolutely no chance of getting back to sleep now that I’ve been forced to think about Annie again. Yesterday’s conversation with her played on repeat in my head all night, and it took me hours to fall asleep.
Dragging myself out of bed, I let Alfie out and start getting ready for work. I guess I might as well get to site early and try to distract myself with work. Because nothing good can come from dredging up even more of the past.