11. Hit Me With It
HIT ME WITH IT
ANNELISA
Early Monday morning, I drive to my sister’s house, not bothering to give her a heads-up that I’m coming. She’s become used to me coming and going since I’ve been back.
After climbing the stairs two at a time, I knock on the front door, not wanting to use my key without an invitation. Although I doubt I’ll be interrupting any romantic trysts while Brandie is awake.
“Hey!” Tara opens the door with a confused expression, already dressed for work in a form fitting corporate dress that accentuates her hour-glass figure.
Despite the emotions I’m feeling, it still brings a smile to my face when I see her dressing so confidently these days.
After spending most of her life hiding behind ill-fitting baggy clothes, she finally found herself around the same time she met Aiden.
I don’t know if it was because of him or their shared love of Latin dancing, but whatever did it, I’m just so grateful she’s tapped into those feminine wiles I always knew she possessed.
“Are you okay?” she asks, stepping aside to let me in while I shake my head.
In the lounge room, Aiden is sitting on the couch with his morning coffee, watching ABC Kids with Brandie, who is snuggled up beside him with her favourite stuffed toy. He waves at me, but Brandie doesn’t notice my sudden appearance, engrossed in the exploits of the cartoon dogs on the screen.
I follow Tara into the kitchen. “Have you spoken to Bri? Or Kylie?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No. I missed a call from Bri yesterday and we’ve been playing phone tag ever since. And I haven’t checked my phone since yesterday, but I haven’t seen anything from Kylie.”
Tara pours a tea for herself and a coffee for me before leading the way out to the balcony. I take a seat across from her on the outdoor couches, and she studies my face.
“Okay, what happened? Hit me with it,” she says, reaching out to hand me my drink.
I grab it and take a large mouthful. “Will was there on Saturday night.”
Tara freezes in the process of taking her own sip before slowly lowering the mug back down while she shakes her head. “Jesus. No wonder you look so pale. I guess I’m going to be getting a very pissed off phone call from Kylie at some point. How’d that go?”
I snort. “How do you think? It was awkward and full of guilt, as you can imagine.” I put the cup down and stare at my hands.
“Is there a particular reason you thought it would go any better?” Tara is obviously not going to allow me to wallow in self-pity.
But I knew this when I drove here. “No, hence why I have avoided everyone since I got off the plane.”
“Have you ever considered that if you’d actually spoken to him before now, things might have been easier? The longer you left it, the worse it became. ”
I wave her off. “I know, I know. But you also know that avoidance is kind of my thing.”
At least I’m self-aware enough to know that… Just not prepared to do anything to change it.
“Yes. I am very, very aware of that. So, what now?” Tara reaches over and produces two blankets from the blanket box beside her armchair and tosses one to me.
“Well, I had a rather draining conversation with him yesterday afternoon. I thought that would be it, but now he wants to stay in touch.” I pull the blanket up to cover my head. “I don’t know how to handle this, to be honest.”
Tara lets out a long breath. “Yeah, that sounds complicated. Although I’m not surprised.”
“Well, I am! I certainly wouldn’t want to stay in touch with me after what I did.” I push the blanket aside to grab my coffee again, necking the rest of it down in one gulp. “I’m concerned about his sudden need to punish himself by bringing me back into his life.”
“But you’re not Will,” Tara snaps, finally dropping the calm facade.
“Look, Lis. You fucked up, and I know you know that. You’re the one who walked away.
You weren’t the person who was left behind, so you don’t get to judge him for however he handles your reappearance.
He’s probably got a thousand questions. So many what-ifs.
Now that he’s got the chance to get some answers, of course he’s going to jump at it. ”
I shake my head. “He can’t still possibly want me around?! Honestly, his life is so much better without my mess in it.” Tara’s eyes widen. “What?” I ask, not sure why she’s surprised.
“You can’t seriously be thinking that? He was in love from the minute he laid eyes on you.
You’d been through so much together, and the relationship hadn’t run its course - for either of you.
I’m not the slightest bit surprised that he’s still holding a candle for you seven years later.
And you clearly do for him too. You’re kidding yourself if you think this is in the past,” Tara says, shaking her head .
I feel like I need something stronger than coffee right now.
I grit my teeth. “I didn’t say anything about wanting to get back together.”
She snorts. “You’re an idiot.”
She’s become rather blunt about how I handled things in recent years, and it’s not the first time I’ve wished I had someone else I could turn to for matters of the heart. Someone like Morgan. Although, I’m pretty sure Morgan would agree with Tara in this instance.
After a few moments of silence, Tara sighs.
“Lis, I’m going to be honest. You’ve gotten yourself into a real mess.
One that only you are going to be able to get yourself out of.
I think you have a lot of soul searching to do, and you need to work it out soon.
You’ve hurt so many people throughout the last seven years, and there is a possibility that you may end up causing more pain if you don’t start being honest with both yourself and everyone else.
Avoidance isn’t the answer now.” She fixes me with a glare. “Not that it ever was.”
“Thanks for the pep talk, sis,” I say, my tone clipped.
I don’t know who I’m more annoyed with, me or Tara.
I really hate it when my sister is right.
She sits back in her seat and crosses her arms, resting her drink in the crook of her elbow while she studies me with one eyebrow raised. “If you came here expecting me to be on your side, Lis, you were kidding yourself.”
I sigh. “I wasn’t expecting anyone to take my side. I know I don’t deserve any sympathy. But I was doing well just keeping to myself, and everyone was fine without me in their lives. I never should have gone to that party. It’s going to make it so much harder when I leave again.”
Tara continues to study me for a few moments, her finger tapping a steady beat against the side of her mug.
“I think you mean if you leave again.” I glare at her, aggravated that she still won’t let go of the idea that I’ll be sticking around when I don’t even know what I want.
She just smiles and shrugs. “I think this is a good thing. It’s time to start talking about what happened, rather than bottling it up. ”
I raise an eyebrow. “Is that your way of asking me again what happened?”
She throws her hands up. “Can you blame me? You’d be asking the same thing if I’d done what you did.”
I let out a puff of air and shake my head. “I just… If Will is also choosing not to say anything, I don’t feel right talking about it with anyone.”
Tara grimaces. “Well, if you won’t talk to your friends or family, maybe it’s time to speak to a professional.
You’ve been avoiding so much emotional stuff for a long time that I think it’s really affecting you.
While you prefer avoidance when it comes to problems, it’s not healthy, and I think you know that. ”
I grit my teeth again and pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache coming on.
I should have just stayed at home.
“Tara, I love you, and I’m really glad that therapy has worked well for you. But it’s just not for me, okay? I don’t want to talk to a stranger about my issues. I don’t want to be told what I already know - that I made a massive mistake seven years ago and there’s no way I can go back.”
Tara’s lips form a thin, straight line, but she just takes another sip of tea instead of replying. Thankfully, Brandie appears, asking what’s for breakfast, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for my niece’s constant need for food.