23. Feeling A Bit Disconnected
FEELING A BIT DISCONNECTED
WILL
As Chris and Seth return to discussing the outcomes of the Stanley Cup, Jake flicks a look my way before glancing back towards where Annie is staring at her food across the fire.
“You okay, mate?” he asks, keeping his voice low.
I roll my shoulders. “I’m fine,” I reply, purposely avoiding Taylor’s gaze from beside Morgan while she studies me.
Jake doesn’t look like he believes me, but lets it go when it becomes obvious I don’t want to talk about it.
Hearing Taylor so casually mention that one of Annie’s last books was about an accidental pregnancy is jarring. When I noticed Annie’s face go pale, I knew that she’d hoped I’d never find out.
I’d purposely avoided following anything to do with her books after she’d left, not wanting to put myself through any unnecessary pain. But I hadn’t realised she’d stopped writing under the pen name that had made her famous.
I’m pulled from my musings when Morgan produces a bag of marshmallows and all the children converge on her with their little sticks at the ready.
The adults assist in the process of roasting the marshmallows over the fire, and making sure that no one burns themselves, and I’m grateful for the distraction.
Eventually, the parents amongst us move off to get the kids ready for bed.
Bri and Jake only have the one child, so Jake stays at my side while Bri gets Ashton sorted.
The last thing I need is to be left alone at the fire with my two exes, so I’m very grateful for his presence.
I’ve noticed that Taylor has been watching every move that Annie and I both make, and I know she’s jealous.
Somehow, the four of us fall into a semi-comfortable conversation when Jake asks Taylor how work is going and she entertains us with stories about some of the quirky characters that have come into the gym lately.
She’d just started working on reception at one of the fancy gyms in the city when we broke up, and I know I’ve been guilty of not checking in to see how it’s been.
As amicable as the break-up was, I’ve been a pretty crappy ex, needing to keep her at arm’s length so that she didn’t hope for anything more eventuating between us.
It can’t be easy for her, knowing some of the history between Annie and me.
I’m sure she’s worked out that Annie is the reason why I wasn’t as invested in the relationship as I should have been.
But I can’t be responsible for her feelings right now. Not when my own are a complicated mess.
Once all the kids are asleep, their parents rejoin us, and I watch with amusement as Annie gets to work on roasting several marshmallows at once for herself and Morgan.
It brings back memories of our first camping trip as a group.
Kylie and I were the only ones who’d ever camped with our family, and we’d had a great time teaching the others all the things we’d learned over the years.
Including how to make the perfect s’mores.
Not realising s’mores weren’t a common thing in most Aussie families, we’d brought everything except the marshmallows, leaving that up to the others when they were gathering their supplies.
So when Annie and Morgan had pulled out a packet of the biggest marshmallows I’d ever seen, it had turned into a very messy, but delicious, experience.
It has now become a tradition to find the big marshmallows and stuff ourselves with the sticky treats.
Annie looks up while I watch her put her s’more together. Despite the weirdness between us, she grins at me and takes a bite, the white goo oozing out the sides of the biscuit sandwich as she giggles.
From Morgan’s other side, Taylor looks first at Annie, then me, before glaring down at her fruit salad.
She’d not been particularly interested in s’mores when she joined us last year, preferring to stick with her healthier snacks.
Just another reminder that we’d not been the right fit for each other.
Kylie has been watching everything going on and shoots me a look before shoving her own s’more into her mouth.
I’m sure she’s worried about Annie and me, but we’ve come to an agreement that she is to be on her best behaviour on this trip and not make Annie uncomfortable.
At least she wasn’t all that big of a fan of Taylor either, otherwise I’m pretty sure she’d be devising ways to get us back together right now.
If she tries anything, though, I’ll get Seth to deal with her.
If anyone can manage my wayward sister, it’s her husband. He balances out her impulsive side.
Eventually, people begin to drift off towards their sleeping areas. Getting to my feet, I whistle for Alfie, who lifts his head from where he’s curled up next to my swag, his tail thumping against the ground.
“Come on, boy. Time to do your business.”
He follows me off towards the beach, and I let him sniff around for a while before he finally relieves himself. I can see our campsite in the distance, but can’t make out who’s still sitting there.
Deciding to take the long way back, we wander through the campsite, and Alfie happily accepts pats from other campers as they walk by.
When we near the amenities block, Alfie stops to sniff the ground, distracted by some fascinating smell that takes all his attention.
I stand with my arms crossed while I wait, keeping a close eye on him while he walks in a circle with his nose to the ground.
When he finally gets bored, he walks past me, and I turn, running straight into Annie as I walk around the corner.
She bounces off me, and I reach out automatically to grip her shoulders, keeping her from falling backwards.
“Sorry! I didn’t see you in the dark,” she says, holding her hand to her chest.
“No problem,” I reply, letting my hands drop to my sides.
“I was just going to the bathroom before heading to bed,” she says, holding up her toothbrush.
I nod. “I can wait for you and walk you back, if you want?” I ask.
She was always nervous when walking around in the dark when we camped years ago, and from the grimace on her face, I can tell that’s still the case.
She looks back towards the campsite a few hundred meters away, and I follow her gaze to see Taylor heading our way, her expression darkening with each step.
“Might not be the best idea,” Annie mutters.
I guess she’s worked out my history with Taylor.
An overwhelming need to reassure her that there are no feelings on my side surfaces and I step forward. “I’m sorry if Taylor has made you feel uncomfortable. I didn’t know Morgan had invited her. She seems to be taking the breakup harder than I thought, but we weren’t right for each other.”
Annie’s eyes widen slightly, and she studies my face. “Why are you telling me this?” she asks after a moment.
Good question.
I hesitate before shrugging. “I don’t really know… Just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea, I guess. ”
She nods, then looks past me towards the amenities block. “I should go…”
I step aside. “Yeah, sure. See you in the morning.”
She runs her eyes over my face again before brushing past me. I watch her walk away, her hips swaying with each step, and have to remind myself that I shouldn’t be watching her with this much interest.
Not anymore.
Alfie has finally decided he’s had enough sniffing and we head back towards camp. As I go to pass Taylor, I nod, intending to keep on going without saying anything.
She stops and reaches out to grab my arm. “Hey. Can we talk?”
I glance down at her hand before meeting her gaze. “Can it wait? I’m tired and not in the best mood.”
She lets go of my arm and sighs. “Fine.”
Glad to have avoided whatever dramatic moment she had planned, I keep going, once again cursing Morgan for making my life unnecessarily difficult, while simultaneously feeling like the biggest dick for not being able to offer Taylor more.
Early the next morning, I stare out at the surf while I wait outside Kylie and Seth’s tent as she gets into her wetsuit.
The short distance from our campsite to the beach was what drew our group here from the very beginning, and over the years, the others have made noise about wanting to learn to surf.
But after a few failed attempts, it just remains myself and Kylie who share this passion.
I keep her board and wetsuit at my place so that whenever she returns from Canada, we can spend as much time on the water as possible.
“Ready to go?” Kylie asks, crawling out of the tent.
Inside, I can hear one of the boys mumbling something, and Seth’s sleepy voice responds, telling him to go back to sleep.
Knowing the chances of that are fairly unlikely, I know we won’t be able to spend all morning out on the water like we used to.
So much has changed over the last few years, and while I’m happy for everyone that they’ve settled down with kids, it just serves as a constant reminder of how much my life hasn’t changed.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
She takes her board from where I’d propped it up against the tree next to their tent, giving it a loving stroke before putting it under her arm. I do the same with mine and we head towards the water in companionable silence.
“How long has it been since you were last on the water?” she asks as we near the shoreline.
“Too long. Probably about three months. Work has just been so busy. Dad and I were meant to go a few weeks ago, but then he caught a cold and that nixed that idea.”
She pats my arm. “Well, let’s make sure we get plenty of time in while I’m here. Maybe Seth and I can rent a house up the beach for a few weeks, rather than hang out at Mum and Dad’s.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know that I’ll be able to get up there much, but at least you’ll get some wave time in while you’re here.”
She turns to face me, her eyes full of concern. “Will… Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve just seemed really… I don’t know, I guess flat is the best word. Is it because of Annelisa?”
I sigh. “Honestly, Bug, not every issue is my life is related to Annie. Yeah, her coming back has stirred up some feelings, but I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected for a while.”
She cocks her head to the side. “I get that… It’s kind of how I felt just before I moved to Calgary. Maybe you just need a change in scenery? I was only half joking when I suggested you move there.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s it.
I guess… My life isn’t where I thought it would be by the time I was in my thirties.
The business has become more successful than I’d ever imagined, and basically runs itself now, so I can’t even use that as a distraction.
It’s getting hard being the last single one in the group, but I can’t se em to connect with any of the women I’ve dated.
And I don’t even know if I want the whole family package…
I don’t know. I’ll work it out, eventually. ”
Kylie’s gaze flicks behind me, focusing on something over my shoulder, and I turn to see Annie running in our direction, further up the shoreline.
She doesn’t seem to have noticed us yet.
Her eyes are trained on the ground in front of her as she runs barefoot along the wet sand.
I try not to notice how good she looks in her crop top and shorts.
My body still hasn’t got the memo that things have changed between us, though, and I have to force myself to look away when I feel a fluttering sensation deep in my belly.
“Since when does Annelisa run?” Kylie asks, her eyebrows raised.
“Apparently she started running after she left. She said it helps her sort through her thoughts when she’s stressed,” I reply.
Kylie gives me a knowing look. “I guess she’s got a lot to be stressed about at the moment. I noticed Taylor’s jealous looks last night.”
I sigh again, looking out towards the water. “How about we just go for this surf? I need a break from thinking about all of this.”
She nods, and we head into the waves, the freezing water doing wonders to pull me out of my head and just enjoy the chance to be on the water once again.