Chapter 21
Pike
What is she doing? What is she trying to do to me? She’s making me insane. She’s making me think, and I don’t like it. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel, and I sure as hell don’t want to fuck her. I’ll hurt her, and I know I will. So I pull back, pushing her away from me. Her small frame bounces off the tile of the shower before she flinches. Fuck. What am I doing to her? The only thing I know how to do. That’s what.
“Get out,” I order as I shut off the water and climb out. I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist as I stand in front of the mirror, looking at myself. What the fuck did they do to me? I let this happen. I should have stopped it. I should have taken his place. There are too many thoughts running through my head right now, and I can’t stop them. I reach up and pound my palm against my forehead when her hand comes to rest on mine.
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“You’ll hurt yourself, Pike.”
“I deserve it,” I growl as I do it again, over and over, before balling up my fist and punching the mirror. Feather screams as blood drips down my knuckles. It was loud enough for the guys to come rushing back in to see what happened. They don’t say shit. Free looks at my hand, then the mirror, before shaking his head and turning and walking back out. The rest of them follow. They know I don’t need their shit right now.
“I want you outta here, Feather.”
“Don’t you get it? I don’t want to leave, Pike. I want to be here with you. For you.”
“And I want you gone.”
“What did I do?” she asks, her voice sounding broken. She didn’t do anything. Not a damn thing, but breathe. This is just all too much having her in my space right now.
“You didn’t do anything, Feather. I just … fuck I don’t know what I need right now.”
“Okay. Okay. I’ll go. But I’m not leaving, Pike. I’ll still be here for you.”
“Do you know what the hell I just went through?” I ask, turning to look at her now. “My friend, one of my best friends, stepped in and took it. They fuckin’ killed him, Feather. Beat him, stomped his fuckin’ head in while I was forced to watch! They killed him, Feather. And while I’m no stranger to death, this was different. This was personal. They wanted me to see what they could do, what they were capable of. And I fuckin’ watched every goddamn second of it!” I yell. Tears fall down her cheeks, and I’m torn. I want to grab her and hold her. I don’t want her to cry. I don’t want her to worry, but I know she is. The other part of me wants to push her away, shove her out of my mind so I can deal with the destruction the RRMC has caused. A fucking tear leaks down my cheek as her lips part.
“I won’t say I’m sorry, Pike. It means nothing. I’m here though. You can talk to me.”
“Talk? You think I wanna talk, Feather? I wanna talk to Rooster! I want him to walk through that fuckin’ door and tell me this was all a nightmare. That he didn’t really die tonight.”
“I know you do,” she says softly as she wipes the tears from her eyes. “But that’s not possible. Not anymore. You need to see who’s here, Pike. Who is still right in front of you.”
“It could have been you.”
“What?”
“They could have taken you, and then what, Feather? What the fuck would I have done then? Huh? I fuckin’ love you. I would have died right there on the spot if anything would have happened to you.”
“You’re worried about me?” she asks softly.
“Fuck yeah, I’m worried about you! Don’t you get it? They saw me leave the house, Feather. They could have gotten their hands on you.”
“But they didn’t.”
“No, they didn’t, but I still have to live with what they did to him. I still have to see that shit replay in my mind. I’m so fucked up right now, Feather. I don’t know what to do,” I admit to her. She walks closer, and the thought of pushing her away hits me hard, but I want to see what she does. I want to see how she handles this, handles me. Her hand rests on my chest, and that familiar fire burns through me. Maybe, just maybe, if anyone can save me from this hell, it’s her.
“You heal. You grow. You mourn the loss of your friend. You take advantage of those who care about you and use their strength to get through this, Pike. You lean on your friends, your brothers. You hold onto what you have because this will serve as a reminder you never know when things will change, and you might lose someone. You cherish every moment you have with them.”
“And that includes you?” I ask, needing to hear her say it. I need her words now more than ever.
“Including me.” I nod my head as I reach for her, wrapping my hand around the back of her neck and pulling her toward me. Her body collides with mine and everything seems to calm. Maybe she is what I need. Maybe she is the strength I need.
I hold her close for a long time, just breathing her in. She doesn’t make a move to pull away, so I don’t let go.
When I finally release her, she presses her lips to my chest. I sigh and grab her hand in mine, leading her over to the bed where we sit.
“It was like somethin’ out of a movie. Somethin’ you see on TV. I couldn’t believe it was real.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Pike. I wish there were more I could do for you.”
“You stood your ground, Feather. You aren’t goin’ anywhere. I appreciate that. I need that right now. I’m sorry, but there’s gonna be times I push you,” I tell her. I know how I work. I know how healing goes for me. I’ve lost brothers before but nothing like this. Nothing I had to see like this.
“And I’ll be here. I don’t plan on going anywhere.”
“Do you love me?” I need to hear the answer to that question. I need to know what I’m feeling for her isn’t crazy.
“I do love you, Pike.” I nod my head. I should kiss her, I should take her right now, but my mind isn’t letting go, and I can’t. Instead, I pull her into my arms and hold her before laying us down on the bed. I hold her until the Doc comes, and even then, I don’t want to let her go. She’s grounding me, and I don’t know how.
I let the Doc check me over and clean me up. That doesn’t change what’s going on in my mind. He said he could give me medicine, and I let him. Now I feel like a fucking zombie, but the memories are fading.
“You look like shit,” Free announces when he walks into the room. It’s all hazy.
“I don’t feel a goddamn thing,” I tell him. He chuckles and shakes his head before slapping a hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t get used to it, yeah? We need you full force.”
“You got me, Free.”
“I know we do. Just don’t start lovin’ them pills, brother.” I know what he’s saying, and I get it.
“I got this, Free. I just need to be a little numb right now.” He nods as Mask walks in and takes me in. Feather is sleeping soundly on the bed next to me. She’s worn out, and I understand that.
“You good?”
“I am now.” I glance over at her and smile. I’m glad she’s here, even if I am pushing her away.
“She okay?”
“Just tired. She needs sleep.”
“So do you, Pike,” Mask tells me.
“I’m headin’ that way, Prez.”
“Good. Get some rest, and we’ll talk in the mornin’.” I nod as I watch the guys leave the room. Then I lay down and pull Feather’s body into mine, spooning around her. And that’s how I fall asleep.